(no subject)
[pointless babbling.. I couldn't stay on one subject or make the words come out correct]
I feel so out of place. I knew my birthday was going to bring too many realiziations. And it has.
See, I don't see Crissy as being twenty two years old. In my head, she's the same age as me. Just has the ability to buy booze. Which doesn't affect me in any way, shape, or form. She not a girl, or a twenty two year old woman.. in my head. She's my Crissy... my.... Crissy. This human being. This wonderful human being that I'm lucky enough to hold onto. There's no age, gender, weight, shape.. when I look at her. Just this person that I've wrapped my whole goddamn world around [bad habit of mine].
Anyway, about being left out. I realized today.. that I'm adult. That a whole part of my life is over. That now.. is when I should be getting things together. Now or never for me.
I was scanning through the TV a few hours ago.. and passed by some high school movie. I watched it for a split second. And realized I didn't have that. I'm never going to have that. High school is important. If not for your future job and what not... for your future people skills, social skills, conversation skills... etc. I never learned those. I don't know how to handle being around a massive group of people. I also don't know how to study. I don't know what it's like to be asked to a prom. I don't have a high school ring. Or high school friends. Or all those memories that I've missed out on. Yes.. I have memories of those years. But basically none have anything to do with a school.. a high school.
I feel left out. Left behind in a sense.
Crissy and I went out to eat tonight.. at unos [don't go there ever]. Crissy called Chrissy [notice the spelling].. and Chrissy came to join us. And she's sitting there talking about her kids, her two jobs, her piece of shit car, her house.. etc. Then Kenneth comes in [and I think he feels just as out of place as I do].. and then Daniel comes in. And there's this whole conversation that I can't be a part of. Because I have reached that part of my life yet. The full time jobs.. the owning your own car [I own half of mine].. the owning your own place.. the kids. I'm not there yet.
Sometimes I hate that all my friends are so much older then I am. Because we can't connect on the same level. However, I think I've gotten pretty good at making it seem as though I know what I'm talking about.
At least none of this is like Jenipher. When I met Jenipher was I 12 / 13.. she was 15 / 16.. and that's how I'll always remember her. When I see her now, all grown up.. I can't.. see her. She's got a husband, a job, a place, a car, a baby. A normal life. The type of life I wanted. She married her first love, had a baby.. even though everybody told her she couldn't.. got a good job right out of high school. She's a hard worker, a good wife, and a good mother.
But that isn't my Jenipher. My Jenipher.. is sixteen.. driving this early mid 80s.. hatch back baby blue car.. ... Driving nowhere really.. just.. everywhere. I'm in the seat beside her.. my hair is blowing around.. and we've got manson or something playing on the radio. We're bull shitting about people we use to know. Making plans for the night.. who's house we're going to go get fucked up. Which one of our parents is gonna find us first. We're joking about how our mothers are lesbian lovers. I can see this beautiful smile across her face, and hear this youthful laugh... I can picture how the sun use to glimmer off of her strawberry blond hair... how many freckles she got in the summer.
I can remember getting off my school bus... 7th grade.. [first year I think]. Jenipher and I were found drunk by both of our parents outside of Corey's house a few nights ago.. and her mother took her car keys away.. but.. the second I step off that bus.. here she comes flying around the corner in that car we loved so much. She screams "hey bitch! get in!." I fly towards the car and I'm free. Nothing could stop us.
I remember.. that Lisa and Jenipher [twin sisters] shared the car. But Jenipher and I hated Lisa.. and we'd take the car when it was supposed to be Lisa's turn. Lisa use to be in color gaurd.. yanno.. those people that wave the huge flags at football games and shit. Well one day.. Jenipher and I took the car .. and Lisa was getting ready to go somewhere with it. Jenipher and I ran out of their house and jumpped in the car, locking the doors. And here comes Lisa.. with her color gaurd pole. Jenipher starts the car and throws it into reverse.. and we start going backwards out of the drive way. About that moment.. Lisa slams the color gaurd pole into the hood of the car.. an inch away from the windsheld.. that's what she was aiming for.
Jeniphers grown up.. Lisa hasn't.
Hollow
I feel so out of place. I knew my birthday was going to bring too many realiziations. And it has.
See, I don't see Crissy as being twenty two years old. In my head, she's the same age as me. Just has the ability to buy booze. Which doesn't affect me in any way, shape, or form. She not a girl, or a twenty two year old woman.. in my head. She's my Crissy... my.... Crissy. This human being. This wonderful human being that I'm lucky enough to hold onto. There's no age, gender, weight, shape.. when I look at her. Just this person that I've wrapped my whole goddamn world around [bad habit of mine].
Anyway, about being left out. I realized today.. that I'm adult. That a whole part of my life is over. That now.. is when I should be getting things together. Now or never for me.
I was scanning through the TV a few hours ago.. and passed by some high school movie. I watched it for a split second. And realized I didn't have that. I'm never going to have that. High school is important. If not for your future job and what not... for your future people skills, social skills, conversation skills... etc. I never learned those. I don't know how to handle being around a massive group of people. I also don't know how to study. I don't know what it's like to be asked to a prom. I don't have a high school ring. Or high school friends. Or all those memories that I've missed out on. Yes.. I have memories of those years. But basically none have anything to do with a school.. a high school.
I feel left out. Left behind in a sense.
Crissy and I went out to eat tonight.. at unos [don't go there ever]. Crissy called Chrissy [notice the spelling].. and Chrissy came to join us. And she's sitting there talking about her kids, her two jobs, her piece of shit car, her house.. etc. Then Kenneth comes in [and I think he feels just as out of place as I do].. and then Daniel comes in. And there's this whole conversation that I can't be a part of. Because I have reached that part of my life yet. The full time jobs.. the owning your own car [I own half of mine].. the owning your own place.. the kids. I'm not there yet.
Sometimes I hate that all my friends are so much older then I am. Because we can't connect on the same level. However, I think I've gotten pretty good at making it seem as though I know what I'm talking about.
At least none of this is like Jenipher. When I met Jenipher was I 12 / 13.. she was 15 / 16.. and that's how I'll always remember her. When I see her now, all grown up.. I can't.. see her. She's got a husband, a job, a place, a car, a baby. A normal life. The type of life I wanted. She married her first love, had a baby.. even though everybody told her she couldn't.. got a good job right out of high school. She's a hard worker, a good wife, and a good mother.
But that isn't my Jenipher. My Jenipher.. is sixteen.. driving this early mid 80s.. hatch back baby blue car.. ... Driving nowhere really.. just.. everywhere. I'm in the seat beside her.. my hair is blowing around.. and we've got manson or something playing on the radio. We're bull shitting about people we use to know. Making plans for the night.. who's house we're going to go get fucked up. Which one of our parents is gonna find us first. We're joking about how our mothers are lesbian lovers. I can see this beautiful smile across her face, and hear this youthful laugh... I can picture how the sun use to glimmer off of her strawberry blond hair... how many freckles she got in the summer.
I can remember getting off my school bus... 7th grade.. [first year I think]. Jenipher and I were found drunk by both of our parents outside of Corey's house a few nights ago.. and her mother took her car keys away.. but.. the second I step off that bus.. here she comes flying around the corner in that car we loved so much. She screams "hey bitch! get in!." I fly towards the car and I'm free. Nothing could stop us.
I remember.. that Lisa and Jenipher [twin sisters] shared the car. But Jenipher and I hated Lisa.. and we'd take the car when it was supposed to be Lisa's turn. Lisa use to be in color gaurd.. yanno.. those people that wave the huge flags at football games and shit. Well one day.. Jenipher and I took the car .. and Lisa was getting ready to go somewhere with it. Jenipher and I ran out of their house and jumpped in the car, locking the doors. And here comes Lisa.. with her color gaurd pole. Jenipher starts the car and throws it into reverse.. and we start going backwards out of the drive way. About that moment.. Lisa slams the color gaurd pole into the hood of the car.. an inch away from the windsheld.. that's what she was aiming for.
Jeniphers grown up.. Lisa hasn't.
Hollow