wow.
i havent written something in forever. and i was bored and just started reading back to all my old entries and omg. i feel like such a different person. like i was talking to ricky about it awhile ago, but seriously. I was so depressed for so much of these entries and yea i was "in love" but its nothing like what i have now. Ricky is so amazing and i seriously couldnt ask for anything to be different. Its been so long since ive been in a state so depressed as i was back then. i cant even remember whats it like. and that feeling, is amazing.
everything feels so different.
i mean, im still the same person- just more grown up and mature i guess. i still have my insecurities and i still battle myself with my weight everyday and i still feel unworthy of what i have. but- i no longer dwell on what is wrong with me. i feel i am dealing with my disorder with great success. yes, still learning to deal, but nonetheless- dealing. i am no longer makeing excuses for and somewhat clinging on to the person who hurt me and disrespected me in the ultimate way. ive come to respect sex and ive come to cherish it and i love sharing it only with the one person i love. i love what comes from it and i love that i can share that with him and only him. i learned that my true love was yet to come and i didnt need to be settling. i learned that my thoughts of what would be the perfect life, was completely wrong. i quickly found out that the person i thought was the perfect guy, was not. the person i thought was flawless and the person i set as my standard of what i looked for in a guy, ended up disappointing me. but, i learned from it and now i have been able to move on. more importantly, ive learned to love what ive become as a person.
im in such a better place in my life now and im glad i came out of all that the way i did. things could have turned out so differently and im so lucky im where i am now. and a lot of that is thanks to ricky. he makes my life so wonderful and worth while and exciting and happy. he makes me feel loved like ive never been loved before and i know that noone could ever love me as much as he does. hes the one. for sure. i know that there will never ever be anyone like him ever again and i just pray that i dont fuck this up. I love him so much and i want a future with him so bad. hes my reason for everything. i need him and i dont know how i lived so long without him. if i lost him, id die. i seriously think i would. without his love, i couldnt go on. he is my life and i cant wait to spend the rest of my life with him. god i love him. and i love what we are together. I love what we have become and i cant wait to see what we will be in the future.
everything feels so different.
i mean, im still the same person- just more grown up and mature i guess. i still have my insecurities and i still battle myself with my weight everyday and i still feel unworthy of what i have. but- i no longer dwell on what is wrong with me. i feel i am dealing with my disorder with great success. yes, still learning to deal, but nonetheless- dealing. i am no longer makeing excuses for and somewhat clinging on to the person who hurt me and disrespected me in the ultimate way. ive come to respect sex and ive come to cherish it and i love sharing it only with the one person i love. i love what comes from it and i love that i can share that with him and only him. i learned that my true love was yet to come and i didnt need to be settling. i learned that my thoughts of what would be the perfect life, was completely wrong. i quickly found out that the person i thought was the perfect guy, was not. the person i thought was flawless and the person i set as my standard of what i looked for in a guy, ended up disappointing me. but, i learned from it and now i have been able to move on. more importantly, ive learned to love what ive become as a person.
im in such a better place in my life now and im glad i came out of all that the way i did. things could have turned out so differently and im so lucky im where i am now. and a lot of that is thanks to ricky. he makes my life so wonderful and worth while and exciting and happy. he makes me feel loved like ive never been loved before and i know that noone could ever love me as much as he does. hes the one. for sure. i know that there will never ever be anyone like him ever again and i just pray that i dont fuck this up. I love him so much and i want a future with him so bad. hes my reason for everything. i need him and i dont know how i lived so long without him. if i lost him, id die. i seriously think i would. without his love, i couldnt go on. he is my life and i cant wait to spend the rest of my life with him. god i love him. and i love what we are together. I love what we have become and i cant wait to see what we will be in the future.