OH MY FUCKING LORD
This was taken from http://community.livejournal.com/bad_sex/1057544.html?page=2#comments
Okay, so a little preface to the body of my first ever post. Every so often this chick I don't know sends me a message via AIM. She always asks the same questions ("Who are you?", "Why are you on my buddy list?", etc) and it gets annoying because I always respond with the same answers, and you would think she would learn that I have no idea who she is, nor do I want to talk to her.
But tonight, oh tonight, she messages me and asks if I want to cyber, and I'm bored so I say yes hoping that this might turn out to be good and actually turn me on. But alas, she turned out to be just as inept at cyber as she is at forming complete sentences. So this is the rest of the conversation from the point that I decided I might as well just be absurd and see what she would do.
My IM conversation with her is under the cut, I hope you find it funny. And if you don't, please ... please ... don't flame me I beg!
Her: ride me like a horse
Her: yes
Her: yes
Her: give it to me
Her: yes
Her: i like it come on
Her: harder
Her: say somthin
Me: Midgets are scary.
Her: tell me how it fells
Her: now let me on top so i can give u pleasure
Me: Ever met a dwarf? Their arms are stubby and weird.
Her: no
Her: it fells good for me
Me: You fell? Oh shit, let me pick you up.
Her: come on baby let me give u pleasure now
Me: Chill, if you keep moving around you'll fall again.
Her: you like ot hard and fast or the other way
Me: Whatever will keep you safe from a concussion.
Her: ok here i go
Her: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Me: vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Me: wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Me: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Me: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Her: want more
Me: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Her: i can give more
Me: Only if you ask for more like Oliver Twist.
Her: yes
Her: yes
Me: No
Me: No
Me: "Please sir, can I have some more."
Me: That's what you say.
Me: I'm into very literary sex.
Her: please baby give it to me ur the best yes yes yes
Me: Whoa, now you're just stroking my ego. My cock is down that way.
Her: do u know oral
Me: No, but I hear he's a great guy.
Her: no oral sx
Me: Oral six?
Her: yes
Me: Is that a new soft drink?
Her: no its where u lick my pussy or i lick ur ding
Me: I don't have any bells. But I love cats.
Me: Hey! Will you pretend you're a cat?
Her: come u fster hurry i like it ooooooo baby ur my truelove
Her: no
Her: just let me ride
Me: Whoa? True love. That's a little much.
Her: for now
Me: But I want you to be a cat!
Her: whatever i ned handcuffs
Me: Okay, I'll handcuff you if you'll be a cat. Have you ever heard a cat have sex?
Her: no
Me: They scream really loud, it sounds horrible.
Her: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Me: sssssssssssss
Her: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Me: pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
Her: baby slow down now getin tired jut kiss me all over
Me: I dunno, you smell like you haven't had a bath for a while.
Her: i justbtook 1
Her: there
Me: Wow, you're not very good at typing with one hand. Most guys can get 80, 90 words per minute without correction when sex is at stake.
Me: Are you done?
Her: no
Me: Oh, is this a bad time to tell you I have the clap?
Her: more give it to me harder
Me: I dunno if you want more of the clap.
Her: the wut
Me: The clap. Oh, and herpes.
Her: dont maqtter
Her: just come on harder
Me: But now you're all infected and icky.
Her: so
Me: Hey, do you think you can get herpes in your eye if I cum in it?
Her: no
Me: Okay, cause I want to cum in your eye.
Her: slowdown
Her: now just telll me how my body feels
Her: and suck onmy tits
Me: Eww, no! Your body feels and smells like a rotten hamburger!
Her: bitch
Me: I'm not putting my mouth on that..
Me: No, thats what I call you when we're done.
Her signed off at 2:17:32 AM.
Post script:
Her: i turned down a b/f to have cpu sx w/u
Me: That was dumb.
Her: well g2g
Her: have real sex with my b/f
Me: Okay, I hope you aren't as retarded in bed as you are over the internet.
Her: yeah thtas why men like my ass
Me: Because you're retarded?
Her: no cause im fuckin good lookin and felling
Me: You keep falling.
Her: whatever
Omg my fucking god. I laughed so so so hard when I read this.
Okay, so a little preface to the body of my first ever post. Every so often this chick I don't know sends me a message via AIM. She always asks the same questions ("Who are you?", "Why are you on my buddy list?", etc) and it gets annoying because I always respond with the same answers, and you would think she would learn that I have no idea who she is, nor do I want to talk to her.
But tonight, oh tonight, she messages me and asks if I want to cyber, and I'm bored so I say yes hoping that this might turn out to be good and actually turn me on. But alas, she turned out to be just as inept at cyber as she is at forming complete sentences. So this is the rest of the conversation from the point that I decided I might as well just be absurd and see what she would do.
My IM conversation with her is under the cut, I hope you find it funny. And if you don't, please ... please ... don't flame me I beg!
Her: ride me like a horse
Her: yes
Her: yes
Her: give it to me
Her: yes
Her: i like it come on
Her: harder
Her: say somthin
Me: Midgets are scary.
Her: tell me how it fells
Her: now let me on top so i can give u pleasure
Me: Ever met a dwarf? Their arms are stubby and weird.
Her: no
Her: it fells good for me
Me: You fell? Oh shit, let me pick you up.
Her: come on baby let me give u pleasure now
Me: Chill, if you keep moving around you'll fall again.
Her: you like ot hard and fast or the other way
Me: Whatever will keep you safe from a concussion.
Her: ok here i go
Her: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Me: vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Me: wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Me: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Me: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Her: want more
Me: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Her: i can give more
Me: Only if you ask for more like Oliver Twist.
Her: yes
Her: yes
Me: No
Me: No
Me: "Please sir, can I have some more."
Me: That's what you say.
Me: I'm into very literary sex.
Her: please baby give it to me ur the best yes yes yes
Me: Whoa, now you're just stroking my ego. My cock is down that way.
Her: do u know oral
Me: No, but I hear he's a great guy.
Her: no oral sx
Me: Oral six?
Her: yes
Me: Is that a new soft drink?
Her: no its where u lick my pussy or i lick ur ding
Me: I don't have any bells. But I love cats.
Me: Hey! Will you pretend you're a cat?
Her: come u fster hurry i like it ooooooo baby ur my truelove
Her: no
Her: just let me ride
Me: Whoa? True love. That's a little much.
Her: for now
Me: But I want you to be a cat!
Her: whatever i ned handcuffs
Me: Okay, I'll handcuff you if you'll be a cat. Have you ever heard a cat have sex?
Her: no
Me: They scream really loud, it sounds horrible.
Her: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Me: sssssssssssss
Her: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Me: pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
Her: baby slow down now getin tired jut kiss me all over
Me: I dunno, you smell like you haven't had a bath for a while.
Her: i justbtook 1
Her: there
Me: Wow, you're not very good at typing with one hand. Most guys can get 80, 90 words per minute without correction when sex is at stake.
Me: Are you done?
Her: no
Me: Oh, is this a bad time to tell you I have the clap?
Her: more give it to me harder
Me: I dunno if you want more of the clap.
Her: the wut
Me: The clap. Oh, and herpes.
Her: dont maqtter
Her: just come on harder
Me: But now you're all infected and icky.
Her: so
Me: Hey, do you think you can get herpes in your eye if I cum in it?
Her: no
Me: Okay, cause I want to cum in your eye.
Her: slowdown
Her: now just telll me how my body feels
Her: and suck onmy tits
Me: Eww, no! Your body feels and smells like a rotten hamburger!
Her: bitch
Me: I'm not putting my mouth on that..
Me: No, thats what I call you when we're done.
Her signed off at 2:17:32 AM.
Post script:
Her: i turned down a b/f to have cpu sx w/u
Me: That was dumb.
Her: well g2g
Her: have real sex with my b/f
Me: Okay, I hope you aren't as retarded in bed as you are over the internet.
Her: yeah thtas why men like my ass
Me: Because you're retarded?
Her: no cause im fuckin good lookin and felling
Me: You keep falling.
Her: whatever
Omg my fucking god. I laughed so so so hard when I read this.