Accident
First of all, I'm perfectly okay and fine. No lasting damage. (Gill, I hope this doesn't trigger bad memories for you. Again, I'm totally fine).
Yesterday morning, I was doing what I usually do when I'm walking along by myself - daydreaming. I think it's the reason I'm so good at maths, as half the time that's what I'm thinking about. Much of the rest is blushworthy *ahem*. So I'm strolling along the pavement, then I suddenly and quickly became aware of a looming mass filling my vision and I was hit by a truck. I didn't really get a good look at it, just a peripheral sight as it came upon me from the side, but you could say it left an impression.
The next thing I know I'm waking up in the A&E, and JJ is next to me, with the last expression I ever want to see her with. Concern, worry and clearly having had the absolute crap scared out of her. JJ and Emmy are my emergency contacts, and JJ got the call first. All they'd tell her was that I'd been hit by a truck and I was currently unconscious. Can you imagine getting that call about a loved one? They wouldn't tell her I was pretty much fine; I think it's some insurance thing, just in case I wasn't. So until she got to me she was totally freaking out. I can't say how bad I feel about that, it's the worst part of it all.
I'd been walking along slightly distracted, like the ditz I am, so it was partially my fault, because even though I was walking where I was supposed to and everything, you still have to be aware and vigilant. But then when you're driving a truck, you shouldn't dart out of one of those little alleyways, way too fast to stop before you knockdown a pedestrian. So mostly the drivers fault, I say. Thankfully, he wasn't going really fast but he hit me flush and I banged my head and got knocked out. It was a case of perfectly bad timing: me stepping across just as the truck zipped out.
They said I could press charges but he was apparently pretty remorseful about it, and I'm ok in the end, so I said no. I have a really bad bruise on the side of my head though, as the worst of it. It's JJ I feel awful about, that I put her through that. Luckily Emmy heard it first from JJ, after she'd seen me.
The whole thing has really crystallised something for me. It's mostly likely the way I grew up, but I'm not used to being responsible to anyone. Not much family, no parents. I've felt I could do what I liked, I was a free agent. And I kinda enjoyed that. It's simple. The last few years, however, I've realised that by falling in love and being loved in return, and by finally finding an adult who is like a parent to me, my fate has been tied to other people. It's an incredible sense of belonging, something I've missed most of my life, yet at the same time it's such a responsibility. I think it's natural for most people, to know they're responsible to the other people in their life, but it hasn't been for me. I've had to learn it.
Seeing Julia like that... I mean, I've known, we've been together over five years now, so I know all this, how much we could devastate each other, how tied we are, but it very much hit me right at the core, emotionally. I need to take care of myself. I just have to. I can't be reckless. It's... a powerful feeling. Wonderful and terrible.
I'm just not alone anymore in my life.
Yeah, it's mostly wonderful.
Yesterday morning, I was doing what I usually do when I'm walking along by myself - daydreaming. I think it's the reason I'm so good at maths, as half the time that's what I'm thinking about. Much of the rest is blushworthy *ahem*. So I'm strolling along the pavement, then I suddenly and quickly became aware of a looming mass filling my vision and I was hit by a truck. I didn't really get a good look at it, just a peripheral sight as it came upon me from the side, but you could say it left an impression.
The next thing I know I'm waking up in the A&E, and JJ is next to me, with the last expression I ever want to see her with. Concern, worry and clearly having had the absolute crap scared out of her. JJ and Emmy are my emergency contacts, and JJ got the call first. All they'd tell her was that I'd been hit by a truck and I was currently unconscious. Can you imagine getting that call about a loved one? They wouldn't tell her I was pretty much fine; I think it's some insurance thing, just in case I wasn't. So until she got to me she was totally freaking out. I can't say how bad I feel about that, it's the worst part of it all.
I'd been walking along slightly distracted, like the ditz I am, so it was partially my fault, because even though I was walking where I was supposed to and everything, you still have to be aware and vigilant. But then when you're driving a truck, you shouldn't dart out of one of those little alleyways, way too fast to stop before you knockdown a pedestrian. So mostly the drivers fault, I say. Thankfully, he wasn't going really fast but he hit me flush and I banged my head and got knocked out. It was a case of perfectly bad timing: me stepping across just as the truck zipped out.
They said I could press charges but he was apparently pretty remorseful about it, and I'm ok in the end, so I said no. I have a really bad bruise on the side of my head though, as the worst of it. It's JJ I feel awful about, that I put her through that. Luckily Emmy heard it first from JJ, after she'd seen me.
The whole thing has really crystallised something for me. It's mostly likely the way I grew up, but I'm not used to being responsible to anyone. Not much family, no parents. I've felt I could do what I liked, I was a free agent. And I kinda enjoyed that. It's simple. The last few years, however, I've realised that by falling in love and being loved in return, and by finally finding an adult who is like a parent to me, my fate has been tied to other people. It's an incredible sense of belonging, something I've missed most of my life, yet at the same time it's such a responsibility. I think it's natural for most people, to know they're responsible to the other people in their life, but it hasn't been for me. I've had to learn it.
Seeing Julia like that... I mean, I've known, we've been together over five years now, so I know all this, how much we could devastate each other, how tied we are, but it very much hit me right at the core, emotionally. I need to take care of myself. I just have to. I can't be reckless. It's... a powerful feeling. Wonderful and terrible.
I'm just not alone anymore in my life.
Yeah, it's mostly wonderful.