(no subject)
"If you-the consciously empowered, self-authoritative, and free human being-won’t decide what you really want, how can you expect to attain it?"
Too true. I have been surprised and frightened by my ability to call down the things I want. "What will this cost?" I'm a magic miser.
I've already stated several times how I've generally gotten what I wanted-- and who I wanted, dating-wise. Perhaps too easily.
Consequently, it feels like I haven't been single in years. I've lacked resolve to be alone. It wouldn't be fair to others. How would they ever get by without me.
Perhaps I ought to go on a magic binge, after starving myself for so long, manifesting money and love and resources and creativity and fulfillment. That would be a good change of pace. And by that I mean creating good things of my own, not just enjoying the abundance of life.
And there's this depression. Part of me likes being kind of depressed. I ought to just hide under a blanket with some books until the warm weather returns. But there is work to do. I would bite my nails bloody, then destroy something. No, I need work.
The good kind of depression is where I don't want anything. Not even to be in bed all day. I wake up a blank slate, and decide I might as well brush, floss, eat only what I need, go to work. It's cleansing.
So. This is the part where I lose my place because I am typing through a keyhole.
So I need work. Manifest results. To get up early enough that my day is so long, I can accomplish all my personal things before 10:00 am, then dedicate the better part of daylight to outward things.
Well. Today I'm finishing a cabinet, possibly starting another, finding screwdrivers, and going to life drawing in the evening. No beer. It gets me down. It's important to write these things somewhere.
I need to buy groceries. Bacon pancakes, roast chicken and veggies, beef n barley soup...
This started out thinking about relationships, with an article about healthy and unhealthy ones and deciding what to pursue. I am notoriously indecisive. Today I ran into a high school acquaintance, who was warm and friendly toward me, but I gave him a cold hello and went to catch my bus. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's feelings. I really do just want to be alone most of the time. But one must deal with people, sometimes. They are good for things.
Seeing people from high school is a bit too much. How can one make reparations after so much time has passed?
Anyway. Boyfriend is out in the world, doing his thing. I had a bit of a freak-out, because he'd asked if I'd told my sister that we had broken up. I said no.... and when I hung up I wondered if he meant that we had broken up and whether I'd told her so. What the SHIT? I didn't trust myself to drive until he picked up the damn phone to clarify.
I'm a mess. Just. So much bullshit from people. Enduring it for so long. Nobody wanting to work it out. Like it's all in my head. Everyone else is fine. So what if I've been torn to pieces? Stop being hysterical.
http://www.jspowerhour.com/comics/120
...Dad just toasted a rice cake. He and Mom are doing a cleanse thing. Oh, man.
So yeah I guess J walking out and not coming back or contacting me for a week or so wasn't him "breaking up" with me in his book. So the world isn't entirely insane. We can actually talk about breaking up, then do it. I hope. This might actually be a first.
Too true. I have been surprised and frightened by my ability to call down the things I want. "What will this cost?" I'm a magic miser.
I've already stated several times how I've generally gotten what I wanted-- and who I wanted, dating-wise. Perhaps too easily.
Consequently, it feels like I haven't been single in years. I've lacked resolve to be alone. It wouldn't be fair to others. How would they ever get by without me.
Perhaps I ought to go on a magic binge, after starving myself for so long, manifesting money and love and resources and creativity and fulfillment. That would be a good change of pace. And by that I mean creating good things of my own, not just enjoying the abundance of life.
And there's this depression. Part of me likes being kind of depressed. I ought to just hide under a blanket with some books until the warm weather returns. But there is work to do. I would bite my nails bloody, then destroy something. No, I need work.
The good kind of depression is where I don't want anything. Not even to be in bed all day. I wake up a blank slate, and decide I might as well brush, floss, eat only what I need, go to work. It's cleansing.
So. This is the part where I lose my place because I am typing through a keyhole.
So I need work. Manifest results. To get up early enough that my day is so long, I can accomplish all my personal things before 10:00 am, then dedicate the better part of daylight to outward things.
Well. Today I'm finishing a cabinet, possibly starting another, finding screwdrivers, and going to life drawing in the evening. No beer. It gets me down. It's important to write these things somewhere.
I need to buy groceries. Bacon pancakes, roast chicken and veggies, beef n barley soup...
This started out thinking about relationships, with an article about healthy and unhealthy ones and deciding what to pursue. I am notoriously indecisive. Today I ran into a high school acquaintance, who was warm and friendly toward me, but I gave him a cold hello and went to catch my bus. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's feelings. I really do just want to be alone most of the time. But one must deal with people, sometimes. They are good for things.
Seeing people from high school is a bit too much. How can one make reparations after so much time has passed?
Anyway. Boyfriend is out in the world, doing his thing. I had a bit of a freak-out, because he'd asked if I'd told my sister that we had broken up. I said no.... and when I hung up I wondered if he meant that we had broken up and whether I'd told her so. What the SHIT? I didn't trust myself to drive until he picked up the damn phone to clarify.
I'm a mess. Just. So much bullshit from people. Enduring it for so long. Nobody wanting to work it out. Like it's all in my head. Everyone else is fine. So what if I've been torn to pieces? Stop being hysterical.
http://www.jspowerhour.com/comics/120
...Dad just toasted a rice cake. He and Mom are doing a cleanse thing. Oh, man.
So yeah I guess J walking out and not coming back or contacting me for a week or so wasn't him "breaking up" with me in his book. So the world isn't entirely insane. We can actually talk about breaking up, then do it. I hope. This might actually be a first.