lifes not easy..
...and its so hard to fucking pretend its not.
Tonight i went to joelton to see my dad, whom i haven't seen in almost 4 months. It was nice and sad, as it always seems to be. I'm pretty sure i have the greatest daddy in the whole entire world, though. And i kinda love him with my whole entire heart. No joke. My dad has probably always been my most sensitive subject. Everytime i even think about him, i get this sinking feeling in my stomach and almost start crying. I don't know why. Probably cause i care that much.
But it seriously breaks my heart when i see my little sister and brother who live with him and their relationship they have with him. Its so amazing. I grew up with him being a million miles away. But i can't blame him, he would have been there if it was his choice. I just feel like i got the shitty end of the deal. But go figure, when do i not. But anyways, i seriously have never seen a man care so much in his life. And i feel so awful for not making more of an effort to see him. I think thats what kills me the most. I wonder what my life might have been if my parents were still together. Sure we wouldn't be as finacially stable as we are now, and we might still be in joelton. But give a big goddamn. I wouldn't find love like that anywhere else.
(Attention: please if you get married and have a kids, don't ever get a divorce! you'll never truly understand the affect it will have on your kids. It really is just that bad.)
Ah. I'm looking around this apartment and my room, and its going to be a big 'ol mess when we have to move out in a short two months. I've been so extremely excited about getting out of this shithole, but lately i can't get over how different its going to be. Where are we all going? What are we all going to do? It's a little bittersweet. So many memories. And my loves were no more than 4 steps away. Now, it could be thirty miles or millions of miles from here.They all seem to have a plan, unlike me. I just hope they don't forget me. I love them too much.
I don't mean to be depressing, really.
Life just does it to me.
<3.
Tonight i went to joelton to see my dad, whom i haven't seen in almost 4 months. It was nice and sad, as it always seems to be. I'm pretty sure i have the greatest daddy in the whole entire world, though. And i kinda love him with my whole entire heart. No joke. My dad has probably always been my most sensitive subject. Everytime i even think about him, i get this sinking feeling in my stomach and almost start crying. I don't know why. Probably cause i care that much.
But it seriously breaks my heart when i see my little sister and brother who live with him and their relationship they have with him. Its so amazing. I grew up with him being a million miles away. But i can't blame him, he would have been there if it was his choice. I just feel like i got the shitty end of the deal. But go figure, when do i not. But anyways, i seriously have never seen a man care so much in his life. And i feel so awful for not making more of an effort to see him. I think thats what kills me the most. I wonder what my life might have been if my parents were still together. Sure we wouldn't be as finacially stable as we are now, and we might still be in joelton. But give a big goddamn. I wouldn't find love like that anywhere else.
(Attention: please if you get married and have a kids, don't ever get a divorce! you'll never truly understand the affect it will have on your kids. It really is just that bad.)
Ah. I'm looking around this apartment and my room, and its going to be a big 'ol mess when we have to move out in a short two months. I've been so extremely excited about getting out of this shithole, but lately i can't get over how different its going to be. Where are we all going? What are we all going to do? It's a little bittersweet. So many memories. And my loves were no more than 4 steps away. Now, it could be thirty miles or millions of miles from here.They all seem to have a plan, unlike me. I just hope they don't forget me. I love them too much.
I don't mean to be depressing, really.
Life just does it to me.
<3.