Surreal
Title: Surreal (1/1)
Series: Something that starts with "S", part eleven.
Characters: Jack & Ianto, Martha, Gwen
Rating: PG-13 (ish)
Genre: 110% total grade A Crack.
Summary: Its a beautiful day down on the farm?
A/N: for horizonssing day 21. If yesterday was Smut Sunday, today is Crack Monday!
It was going to be a nice day. Ianto looked up at the sky and felt the the sun beat down on him as the breeze cooled the sweat from his forehead. He was enjoying the clean scent of grass and blue skies when he was startled by a voice off to his side.
"Ianto love, will you be a dear and milk me already? I'm really starting to get tender; and Rhys, Andy and Banana Boat are waiting for me- we're going over to the far pasture to eat the grass on the other side. You know it's always greener over there." Ianto just stared blankly at the bland brown cow smiling at him with a pronounced gap in its teeth and eerily familiar eyes. The cow spoke again with an all too familiar hint of condescension, "Ianto, would you please get a move on. I really am fit to burst here!" The cow turned its head to stare forlornly at its swollen udder before it spoke again, "Rhys keeps saying 'its alright Gwen, we don't need to have kids' and I have to remind him that at best we might have a lamb or a calf. Ianto, please hurry it up!"
Ianto just blinked his eyes over and over before he noticed the pail in one hand and the small stool in the other. He wondered why it didn't seem odd that he was standing in a field talking to Gwen- who was heifer- in his finest three piece suit preparing to milk her. Ianto was about to speak when a dark mocha cow came trotting along. "Oh thank goodness you're here Ianto! I was beginning to worry about you. You're usually so prompt and its not like you to miss a milking. Get a move on Mister Jones, we don't have all day to stand around here. Tom and I are going to check out the new salt lick by the rear barn; it just might be the perfect place for us to..." The distinctive London accent issuing forth from the cow was finished with a small head wobble that would require a large dose of retcon to remove from Ianto's memory. Gathering his wits, Ianto stumbled over his words.
"Yes, well; sorry about that. Don't know where my mind was- it won't happen again." Ianto looked between the two impatient bovine's before asking, "so whose first? I seem to have forgotten the rota."
Martha-cow made ready to say something, but Gwen-cow in typical fashion stepped forward while still working the cud in her mouth and began, "Ianto, I really need to go first, I mean its important that I keep my life outside work- and Rhys, he really loves me, and I just can't make him wait any longer." She tried giving him her best toothy smile, which didn't work as well with a large lump of partially chewed grass stuck in the gap of her teeth. Ianto smiled weakly before looking over to Martha who rolled her rather large cow eyes and turned to wander off a distance but first made a point of accidentally swatting Gwen soundly in the face with her tail.
"Oops, sorry Gwen; pesky little flies were just getting to be too much." Martha said, barely containing her bovine laughter.
Ianto took a deep breath and sank onto the stool, placing the pail under Gwen's obscenely swollen udder. Gwen looked around at him with a mouthful of grass and smiled again before he carefully reached down and began to slowly pull the teats so they'd release their milk. "Oh that's lovely Ianto, you always have such soft hands. But could you warm them up a bit dear? They're so cold we could end up with ice cream." The giggle that erupted from her throat made Ianto mentally add another 3 milligrams to his planned retcon dose. Ianto methodically worked the udder until it had deflated and the pail was to the brim with milk. Gwen was so relieved she quickly trotted away but left a large pile of cow dung in her wake. If it was possible for a cow, she blushed slightly before looking back at Ianto, "oh, sorry about that sweetie, but you clean up our shit no questions asked, just how we like, right?" And she trotted off to join the three sheep that were slowly circling each other while shooting daggers with their blank little sheep eyes bleating about which rugby team should win. Ianto just stared as Gwen-cow walked between them and they followed behind her like- well, like sheep- and disappeared over the rise.
"She is such a cow! Sometimes it amazes me that you don't take her down and have her made into choice cuts and hide glue." Martha-cow snarked as she walk back to Ianto's side. "But I guess if she wasn't around, one of us would be stuck dealing with those damn sheep. Whenever you're ready Ianto, I'd really appreciate it." Martha stood still as Ianto came around with his stool and set down the pail (which somehow was now completely empty.) "Oi, and no chocolate milk remarks this time mister!" Ianto just sat there momentarily stunned before carefully beginning the slow process of relieving Martha of her milk. "Gwen's right about one thing though, you really do have amazing hands." Ianto was working away when his fingers pressed a little too hard which caused Martha to buck and accidently swat him across the face with her tail. "Oh, Ianto I'm so sorry! I guess I'm just too ticklish. Oh dear, all of that high quality milk down the drain." Ianto and Martha looked down at the pail that had been tipped over in the excitement. "Oh well, I guess there's no point crying over spilt milk," Martha said as she started walking away to where a lighter colored bull was waiting for her.
Ianto just remained sitting on his stool, worrying his lower lip as he stared at the knocked over pail. After several deep breaths, he picked up the pail and stood up, lifting the stool.
"You're not going to forget to milk me now are you Mister Jones?" A distinctly lecherous voice drawled behind him. "After all- work to do." Ianto spun around to face a large white and tan bull, its dimpled chin pronounced and its gleaming white teeth shining in the sunlight. Jack-bull swaggered over to Ianto and placed his rather large bovine head on Ianto's shoulder and whispered, "how about you get me a nice trough of coffee Ianto, and then you can milk me? Hmm, I do love you in red. I'll make it worth your while." And Jack-bull dragged his enormous cow-tongue over the side of Ianto's neck and face.
"AAARRRGH!" Ianto's eyes flew open as he startled awake, only to fall to the hard cold ground. He shook his head furiously and looked around. Jack (thankfully bipedal, very human and in his requisite great coat) was sitting on the pedestal opposite the stone bench Ianto had just fallen from with his chin resting on his fists. Ianto gasped in relief and then quickly noticed he was still shirtless from his early romp with Jack. "Yes, well; um. That was... Different." Ianto quickly pulled his wayward jumper over his head and went back to looking at Jack. "Jack? Is there something wrong?" Jack was still looking at Ianto with a puzzled expression.
"Why don't you tell me Ianto? You did remember to take your suppressor shot this morning, didn't you?" Jack still felt Ianto's mouth and teeth all over his body from earlier.
"Of course I did. As soon as I got to the hub in fact. Why?" Ianto was still trying to carefully push his dream out of his mind.
"I think Martha might need to tweak her formula a bit, you may be having some side effects. Did you know you talk in your sleep?" Jack was smirking as the blush crept from Ianto's ears to his face. Jack finally took pity on him and came over and pulled Ianto up into a full body hug which Ianto sunk into and rested his forehead against Jack's shoulder. "But if you want to play dairy maid anytime, just ask."
Ianto could only groan.
The story continues in Salted
Series: Something that starts with "S", part eleven.
Characters: Jack & Ianto, Martha, Gwen
Rating: PG-13 (ish)
Genre: 110% total grade A Crack.
Summary: Its a beautiful day down on the farm?
A/N: for horizonssing day 21. If yesterday was Smut Sunday, today is Crack Monday!
It was going to be a nice day. Ianto looked up at the sky and felt the the sun beat down on him as the breeze cooled the sweat from his forehead. He was enjoying the clean scent of grass and blue skies when he was startled by a voice off to his side.
"Ianto love, will you be a dear and milk me already? I'm really starting to get tender; and Rhys, Andy and Banana Boat are waiting for me- we're going over to the far pasture to eat the grass on the other side. You know it's always greener over there." Ianto just stared blankly at the bland brown cow smiling at him with a pronounced gap in its teeth and eerily familiar eyes. The cow spoke again with an all too familiar hint of condescension, "Ianto, would you please get a move on. I really am fit to burst here!" The cow turned its head to stare forlornly at its swollen udder before it spoke again, "Rhys keeps saying 'its alright Gwen, we don't need to have kids' and I have to remind him that at best we might have a lamb or a calf. Ianto, please hurry it up!"
Ianto just blinked his eyes over and over before he noticed the pail in one hand and the small stool in the other. He wondered why it didn't seem odd that he was standing in a field talking to Gwen- who was heifer- in his finest three piece suit preparing to milk her. Ianto was about to speak when a dark mocha cow came trotting along. "Oh thank goodness you're here Ianto! I was beginning to worry about you. You're usually so prompt and its not like you to miss a milking. Get a move on Mister Jones, we don't have all day to stand around here. Tom and I are going to check out the new salt lick by the rear barn; it just might be the perfect place for us to..." The distinctive London accent issuing forth from the cow was finished with a small head wobble that would require a large dose of retcon to remove from Ianto's memory. Gathering his wits, Ianto stumbled over his words.
"Yes, well; sorry about that. Don't know where my mind was- it won't happen again." Ianto looked between the two impatient bovine's before asking, "so whose first? I seem to have forgotten the rota."
Martha-cow made ready to say something, but Gwen-cow in typical fashion stepped forward while still working the cud in her mouth and began, "Ianto, I really need to go first, I mean its important that I keep my life outside work- and Rhys, he really loves me, and I just can't make him wait any longer." She tried giving him her best toothy smile, which didn't work as well with a large lump of partially chewed grass stuck in the gap of her teeth. Ianto smiled weakly before looking over to Martha who rolled her rather large cow eyes and turned to wander off a distance but first made a point of accidentally swatting Gwen soundly in the face with her tail.
"Oops, sorry Gwen; pesky little flies were just getting to be too much." Martha said, barely containing her bovine laughter.
Ianto took a deep breath and sank onto the stool, placing the pail under Gwen's obscenely swollen udder. Gwen looked around at him with a mouthful of grass and smiled again before he carefully reached down and began to slowly pull the teats so they'd release their milk. "Oh that's lovely Ianto, you always have such soft hands. But could you warm them up a bit dear? They're so cold we could end up with ice cream." The giggle that erupted from her throat made Ianto mentally add another 3 milligrams to his planned retcon dose. Ianto methodically worked the udder until it had deflated and the pail was to the brim with milk. Gwen was so relieved she quickly trotted away but left a large pile of cow dung in her wake. If it was possible for a cow, she blushed slightly before looking back at Ianto, "oh, sorry about that sweetie, but you clean up our shit no questions asked, just how we like, right?" And she trotted off to join the three sheep that were slowly circling each other while shooting daggers with their blank little sheep eyes bleating about which rugby team should win. Ianto just stared as Gwen-cow walked between them and they followed behind her like- well, like sheep- and disappeared over the rise.
"She is such a cow! Sometimes it amazes me that you don't take her down and have her made into choice cuts and hide glue." Martha-cow snarked as she walk back to Ianto's side. "But I guess if she wasn't around, one of us would be stuck dealing with those damn sheep. Whenever you're ready Ianto, I'd really appreciate it." Martha stood still as Ianto came around with his stool and set down the pail (which somehow was now completely empty.) "Oi, and no chocolate milk remarks this time mister!" Ianto just sat there momentarily stunned before carefully beginning the slow process of relieving Martha of her milk. "Gwen's right about one thing though, you really do have amazing hands." Ianto was working away when his fingers pressed a little too hard which caused Martha to buck and accidently swat him across the face with her tail. "Oh, Ianto I'm so sorry! I guess I'm just too ticklish. Oh dear, all of that high quality milk down the drain." Ianto and Martha looked down at the pail that had been tipped over in the excitement. "Oh well, I guess there's no point crying over spilt milk," Martha said as she started walking away to where a lighter colored bull was waiting for her.
Ianto just remained sitting on his stool, worrying his lower lip as he stared at the knocked over pail. After several deep breaths, he picked up the pail and stood up, lifting the stool.
"You're not going to forget to milk me now are you Mister Jones?" A distinctly lecherous voice drawled behind him. "After all- work to do." Ianto spun around to face a large white and tan bull, its dimpled chin pronounced and its gleaming white teeth shining in the sunlight. Jack-bull swaggered over to Ianto and placed his rather large bovine head on Ianto's shoulder and whispered, "how about you get me a nice trough of coffee Ianto, and then you can milk me? Hmm, I do love you in red. I'll make it worth your while." And Jack-bull dragged his enormous cow-tongue over the side of Ianto's neck and face.
"AAARRRGH!" Ianto's eyes flew open as he startled awake, only to fall to the hard cold ground. He shook his head furiously and looked around. Jack (thankfully bipedal, very human and in his requisite great coat) was sitting on the pedestal opposite the stone bench Ianto had just fallen from with his chin resting on his fists. Ianto gasped in relief and then quickly noticed he was still shirtless from his early romp with Jack. "Yes, well; um. That was... Different." Ianto quickly pulled his wayward jumper over his head and went back to looking at Jack. "Jack? Is there something wrong?" Jack was still looking at Ianto with a puzzled expression.
"Why don't you tell me Ianto? You did remember to take your suppressor shot this morning, didn't you?" Jack still felt Ianto's mouth and teeth all over his body from earlier.
"Of course I did. As soon as I got to the hub in fact. Why?" Ianto was still trying to carefully push his dream out of his mind.
"I think Martha might need to tweak her formula a bit, you may be having some side effects. Did you know you talk in your sleep?" Jack was smirking as the blush crept from Ianto's ears to his face. Jack finally took pity on him and came over and pulled Ianto up into a full body hug which Ianto sunk into and rested his forehead against Jack's shoulder. "But if you want to play dairy maid anytime, just ask."
Ianto could only groan.
The story continues in Salted