(no subject)
Beautiful Brad: Brad Richards
Radiant Rayzor: Andrew Raycroft
Super Rookie: Brad Boyes
Amazing Alicia: Alicia
Lady Lizi: Lizi Misner
Vivacious Vinny: Vinny Lecavalier
Naked Nick: Nick Boynton
Marty Mouse: Martin St. Louis
Super Sammy: Sergei Samsonov
Magnificent Marco: Marco Sturm
Brilliant Bergy: Patrice Bergeron
Overtime Johnny: John Grahame
Sir Pavel: Pavel Kubina
Beauty: Hannu Toivonen
the Beast: Evgeny Artyukhin
Terrible Timmy: Tim Thomas
the Red Terror: Alexander Ovechkin
Killer Kovalchuk: Ilya Kovalchuk
Overrated Boy: Sidney Crosby
the Biggest Bitch of All: Mike Ribeiro
the Fucker: Darcy Tucker
Laughable Lindros: Eric Lindros
[opening scene, Super Rookie is thrown into a tower, landing next to Beautiful Brad and Radiant Rayzor]
Super Rookie: [looks around, confused] Where in the hell are we?
Beautiful Brad: [sits up in excietment, but slumps down when he sees person isn't Vinny] Trapped. Waiting to be rescued by our men. Who are late. Average time of rescue predicted an escape 2 hours and 13 minutes ago. And as you were brought here against your will may I ask who is your champion?
Radiant Rayzor: [puts hand on BB's shoulder and whispers] BB? This is Super Rookie, also known as Poor Celibate Brad. He may be your name-buddy, but he's straight as the day is long, and he never gets laid. So...[turns attention to Super Rookie] come, sit, Super Rookie. Join us and wallow in our misery.
Beautiful Brad: [stares at RR in amazement and glances at Celibate Brad sceptically] If he's celibate how can he attest that he prefers the female species? [addressing CB] How did you come to be here, if you weren't procured as bait?
Super Rookie: Oh, [shrugs] I'm competition to the Red Terror and Overrated Boy. They decided that I had to go.
Radiant Rayzor: How did YOU wind up in here, Beautiful Brad? None of them hate you, do they?
Beautiful Brad: [sighs dramatically and makes himself presentable to tell his tale] You are aware that The Red Terror was enlisted into the ranks of Killer Kovalchuk? [sneering] Their members can be identified by disgusting yellow footwear that will never be fashionable any season. Well, Kovalchuk has a vendetta against Pavel, recently bequeathed Sir Perseverance and as I went to visit the good knight I was mistaken for his own Overtime Johnny and brought here.
Super Rookie: [whispering to Radiant Rayzor] Since when was this a Knight's Tale?
Radiant Rayzor: [whispering, too] Since now, apparently. I'm sorry to hear that. That must suck.
Beautiful Brad: [pulls out a mouthguard to suck on and rolls his eyes at his younger companions] He's not a "Knight" in the strictest sense, but rather was inducted into the Order of The Diving Defensmen.
Radiant Rayzor: [looks from Super Rookie to Beautiful Brad] Does anyone wanna know why I'm here?
Beautiful Brad: [looks abashed] Of course. Why are you here? You aren't listed as an enemy of the Red Army, so what brought your imprisonment?
Radiant Rayzor: My story starts a long time ago, really...[sighs and things back to the middle of the hockey season] I was just finding my groove, getting to the point where I remembered what I was here for, but then Terrible Timmy came along, and took the limelight. [sighs sadly] Not like I didn't deserve it. But he took it. So, I let him take over for a little bit. And when I tried to take my spot back, every night, he'd take me out for dinner before a game...and...I think he was poisoning me. [looks at the floor] But, it stopped working. And I got into my groove again...so he decided that it was too much. So, he threw me in here.
Super Rookie: OH, that's TERRIBLE!
Radiant Rayzor: Hence, Terrible Timmy. [frowns]
Beautiful Brad: [drops back to his vernacular] That is terrible. Eh? Am I the only one here because of whom I'm fucking? I only went to Pavel's because he's been acting odd on the ice with Vinny. I thought I could get an answer straight from an honest source. But, am I surprised that I'm here? No. Vinny makes so many enemies in and out of the rink that I've spent 437,953 mintues kidnapped.
Super Rookie: Damn. To the minute...[shocked]
[meanwhile, in the Enchanted Forest of Impending Death, Doom and Destruction]
Naked Nick who is Only Half-Naked: So, why did they put yello shoelaces on all these trees? [looks at the trees in confusion]
Magnificent Marco: Because, my friend, [looks at Nick's naked chest and licks his lips] that is the symbol of the Red Army. It is sad and unfortunate. But they need to symbolize their togetherness by using yellow laces.
Brilliant Bergy: [smacks MM for staring at NNwhOHN] So, rather than pee on trees, they mark them with yellow laces. Creative.
Lady Lizi: Pee is yellow, too, though.
Amazing Alicia who is rather angry: [waves her hands into the air ranting] Brad. Brad. Of all the people they could take. Do you know what he does for our team? How are we expected to defeat the steroid infested Cats without Brad? Power plays, penalty kills, he logs more minutes than anyone else on our team. They're robbing us of our overworked Brad.
Vivacious Vinny: [grumbles to himself and looks intermittently depressed and furious]
Lady Lizi: [puts hands on AA's shoulders and starts massaging] Relax, baby. You know we'll get him back. And make them pay.
Super Sammy: [looks back at cage] NOT YET, EVGENY!
Lady Lizi: Is he still acting like a caged animal? [looks back]
Wants to be Naked Nick: Well, [looks at cage, with a tarp over it] Well, he kinda is...
Sir Perseverance a.k.a. Pavel: [ignores everyone and looks interestedly at Johnny. Runs his hands through longish goalie hair and slides his tongue between his lips, blocking the path] Polib mě, miláčku. Miluju tě.
Lady Lizi: [looks at SP and Overtime Johnny with indignance] Don't they know how rude that is?
Wants to be Naked Nick: [looks down at LL, then over to AA] I don't think she minds. [points at AA]
Amazing Alicia: [nods, dumbfounded]
Vivacious Vinny: [pulls rank and breaks up his teammates] Brad? You know 6’0”, sweetest ass in existence, important member of your team, mine, kidnapped. Nick help me out here. You want Rayzor back too.
Sir Pavel: [falls in line, but continues to whisper in Czech to Johnny]
Lady Lizi: All right, guys...do we have a trail here? Any clues whatsoever? [looks at Marty Mouse] You know, you and Super Sammy are the two smart ones here. Help us out!
Marty Mouse: [weaves in between all the people towering over him comes forward] So to recap, Super Rookie, Brad the Beautiful, and Radiant Rayzor have disappeared. It could be coincidence and if that's the case Brad, our Brad, could have been taken my anyone. [smiling at SS] So your boys have any enemies?
Super Sammy: There's Terrible Timmy. And the Annoying League of Overrated Rookies. That's all I can think of...[pauses and looks at Lady Lizi]
Lady Lizi: No, you're forgetting Biggest Bitch of All, the Fucker and Laughable Lindros. [shudders and falls into AA's arms]
Amazing Alicia: [catches LL, then drags out a pad of paper and a pen and hands them to her] Write in a clue.
Lady Lizi: [scribbles down information on a piece of paper and has Magnificent Marco read it]
Magnificent Marco: [skims paper and nods] AH HA! Elementary, my dear Watsons! There's a tower...over the river and through the woods. I heard it from my friend...Fernando? Lizi, I don't know anyone named Fernando.
Lady Lizi: YOU DO NOW! [snaps]
Magnificent Marco: [pauses, shocked] Oh, THAT Fernando...[scared] But, yes. He told me that there's a tower run by Terrible Timmy and his clan over the river and through the woods!
Brilliant Bergy: Isn't that where your grandmother's house is?
The Beast: [shakes the bars of his cage, snarling at TT's name]
Marty Mouse: [daringly sticks a hand inside and calms him] It's okay. You can have at him later I promise. [turning to his Super Sammy] Your russian. Can't you do anything?
More Angry than Amazing Alicia: Alright, mount up crew. We're going to kick ass, take names, and win us a cup. [backpedaling] Well the kick ass part at least. [glaring at SP and Overtime Johnny, who is thrust up against a tree, moaning into Pavel's mouth, with his hands wandering into interesting places] One, I don't have recording equipment. Two, we have people to rescue. Three, no video camero. Four, NO CAMERA.
Lady Lizi: Okay, so...[ponders]
Wants to be Naked Nick: [singing] OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS, TO GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE WE GO! [leading the charge, yanks Pavel by the shirt and beckons him to follow along]
Magnificent Marco: [to Bergy] I'm still wondering who I know named Fernando...
Amazing Alicia: [speaks quietly to Lizi] So do we have a game plan? First line, defence, anything? Or we just going to go up to the tower, knock on the door, and ask for two sexy gay men and a celibate straight boy who needs to get laid?
Lady Lizi: I was hoping for part two of that statement, but...[remembers how evil Terrible Timmy and his crew are] yeah, not likely.
Now totally Naked Nick: We could always just...Unleash Artyukhin? [runs hands through hair, which Lizi has magically written back to beginning of season length]
Amazing Alicia: [sees NtnN and loses verbal functions] Nngh. [tries to think] But we have to get in to unleash him. What you think we're going to call up to Brad the Beautiful, or Radiant Rayzor and ask "Hockey boys, hockey boys, let down your long hair?"
Vivacious Vinny: [eyes NtnN appreciatively and tosses him a puck with his number scribbled on it] In case you want a threesome, or foursome, or twosome.
Lady Lizi: [staring at NTNN in shock] Uh...nake--fuck. Um...nak--um...SHIT! [STILL STARING] HOLY FUCK YOU'RE HOT AND YOU, ALICIA AND I SHOULD TOTALLY HAVE A THREESOME! Okay, with that out of the way...[still staring] No...we need someone to use as bait. Some pretty. Some REALLY pretty...like...
Now Totally Naked Nick: HANNU!
Overtime Johnny: [disengages his tongue from Pavel and speaks for the first time] Hannu would be the perfect. I know first hand that it was me vs. you guys during the games with Hannu in net. [swats away Pavel's hands that are working their way under his shirt] He has the geisha effect. They'll be too stunned to react.
Lady Lizi: [writes something down on another piece of paper...Hannu appears]
Now Totally Naked Nick: [walks into wall]
Vivacious Vinny: [stumbles over his feet and lands on his ass]
Sir Pavel: [drops OTJ's hand that he was sucking on and stares in wonder]
Marty Mouse: [falls to his knees, whimpering]
The Beast: [Sees beauty and falls in love]
Beauty: [peeks through tarp and makes his way into the cage]
Lady Lizi: [squees] BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!
Amazing Alicia: [squees as well] Damn that's cute and kind of hot.
The Beast: [reaches out to trace Beauty's face]
Overtime Johnny: [storms away from Pavel after his reaction to Hannu]
Sir Pavel: [pleads with OTJ] Láska, Janecek, Nemužu bez tebe žít. You know that.
Vivacious Vinny: [annoyed, picks himself off the ground] Can we find Brad now?
Lady Lizi: [to VV] Yes, O Impatient One. That needs to be your new superhero name. [writes in that they quickly pass over the river and through the woods, and Marco's grandma's house, and come out with cookies]
Brilliant Bergy: Damn, Marco, your grandma makes good cookies! [eats chocolate chip cookie]
Marty Mouse: [bites into a cookie happily] Mmmm. [mumbling through bites of cookie] You want some Sammy?
Amazing Alicia: [nods to LL] Agreed. [snapping at Vinny] Just because you haven't screwed in almost 24 hours doesn't mean you have to be snippy. Besides whining what are you contributing exactly?
Lady Lizi: He does contribute some of the pretty... [nods at VV]
Super Sammy: Mmm, cookie! [kisses Marty and comes out with cookie in his mouth] MmmMarty! I love you, co-short fry.
Lady Lizi: OMGSQUEE!
Amazing Alicia: [beams at the short fries] Okay. Yeah, he does do that. And it's not his fault that he can't function without Brad. Together they make up a whole brain.
Marty Mouse: Not as much as I love you, my littlest Russian.
Overtime Johnny: [ever observant] Where did Now Totally Naked Nick go?
Naked Nick: [waves at everyone from in front of a large stone structure] I'm the only one doing my job. [points at structure] The tower? Over the river and through the woods? Who wants to try plan b? And politely ask them to let us in? [ponders, rephrases] Or, better yet, who is nice and sweet enough to con them into letting us in?
Marty Mouse: [shakes his head] No one trusts me after I shafted them in '04.
Overtime Johnny: [conspiring with Lizi] If we aren't using Hannu [sees Beauty and the Beast curled up together] who do you have in mind? [shares a silent communication with Sir Pavel, both try not to look at AA]
Lady Lizi: [glares at the boys] You are not talking me into turning on my baby. But...we could have her bitchy streak come out. And if all else fails...we could distract them with Beauty, and then when the Beast gets pissed off, we can Unleash Artyukhin...
Amazing Alicia: Whoa. Slow down there. You're going to send me, by my lonesome, into the cesspool that's Killer Kovalchuk, Fucker, the Biggest Bitch of all, the Red Terror, Terrible Timmy, and Overrated Boy? And you expect me to what? Go in there and tell them what cheap shotting ninny fakers of impending doom they are?
Lady Lizi: I DIDN'T SAY THAT! [looks down] See what you did to me, boys?
Overtime Johnny: [leans against a tree, chilling, with no cares in the world] So we made it here we know the guys are inside, we've got no idea how to get them out, but it's all good. Hey man, does anyone want to list our assests? Or you know, divide and conquer? Who wants shots at who?
Lady Lizi: We can pick who is gonna kill who, and...you know what? [grabs paper and pen] Once we pick, I can write us inside. Use my mad skillz. Alls I know is I want the Biggest Bitch of All.
Naked Nick: Hey! I want to get him! Revenge factor! [snarls at thought of BBoA]
O Impatient One: [shrugs] I'm snagging my man and I'm out of there. We have things we need to do.
Amazing Alicia: [bares her teeth and growls Evgeny-like] Kovalchuk is mine. The bastard's going down. [rolls up her sleeves] You don't mess with a girl's hockey husband.
Sir Pavel: [protesting] Alicia, you can't. [backs away from her angry glare] Well, not alone you can't. I come too.
Overtime Johnny: I have battled with Ovechkininny and Overrated Boy many times. I'll keep them occupied.
Lady Lizi: That leaves Terrible Timmy and Fucker...[thinks about those two and shudders]
Marty Mouse: [jacked up on a sugar high, pips in] I knew Timmy before his turn to the dark side. Maybe he can be reasoned with?
Lady Lizi: I'm sorry, Marty...[frowns] He took Rayzor.
Naked Nick: HE NEEDS TO PAY! [bares teeth]
Super Sammy: Not by yourself, you ain't! [gets all angry Russian] No one is touching my man.
Lady Lizi: OMG, THEY ARE SO CUTE! [squees]
Magnificent Marco: We'll take Laughable Lindros...[looks at Brilliant Bergy]
Brilliant Bergy: God yes. He makes my skin crawl. [nods firmly]
Lady Lizi: All right then...[takes out pen and paper and writes us into the tower]
Super Rookie: ABOUT DAMNED TIME! [huffs]
Brad the Beautiful: [flings himself at Vinny, grabbing his face and playing a quick game of tonsil hockey] You're late. [hands Vinny back his mouthguard and shoves him against the rough stone walls, dropping to his knees]
Amazing Alicia: [fans herself and coughs] Boys, you might want to go home, and you know, do that there.
Lady Lizi: Damn...[watches in awe] But do they HAVE to?
Radiant Rayzor: [stands up] Jesus! I thought you'd NEVER fucking get here! [stands up and goes to stand by Nick's side...looks at nakedness and blinks] Nngh...you're too fucking hot to be mad at.
[Super Rookie, Brilliant Bergy and Magnificent Marco join hands and become the SUPER MAGIC TOP LINE TRIO!]
Lady Lizi: [whispers to AA] Did you know they could do that?
Amazing Alicia: [whispers back] No, but it reminds me of the Power of V's. Makes sense that your top line has special abilities too.
Lady Lizi: [grins at all the whispering and grabs AA and totally kisses/gropes] Ahem...
Amazing Alicia: [finds an unused piece of wall, not occupied by Brinny or Sir Pavel and OTJ who have lost sight of the mission and makes out with LL] Just yeah...
Lady Lizi: Nngh...damn...[loses brain function]
Terrible Timmy: RAH! I AM A GOALIE GOD! FEAR ME! [throws things]
Lady Lizi: [glares at TT] 'Scuse me...having a MOMENT here!
Angry Alicia: [goes off on a tirade] Look buddy, you come out of nowhere, take Radiant Rayzor's spot, poison the poor guy's confidence, trick everyone into beiliving your some kind of goalie god, which I'm not buying, weasel your way into a three year contract, and make my woman's life hell. And NOW you want to interupt our moment? Not going to happen Providence Boy.
Lady Lizi: [giggles] She called 'im Providence Boy...
Radiant Rayzor: [looks at AA] Yep, so glad to be part of an OT6 with her...
Lady Lizi: [staring at AA] Damn, that is hot...
Terrible Timmy: Please. I'm supposed to be scared of you? [steps forward and stares AA down]
Angry Alicia: [stares back] And you have the gall to make excuses for your imbecilic misses? It's called responsibility. It's called helping a puck into the net that was moving slower than Hal. [asks Hal's forgivness silently] And guess what? Marty Mouse, ain't yours anymore. No more vacations in Florida with a convient fuck buddy. The line has been drawn. You go back to Providence or I'll end you. For Rayzor, for the Bruins, and for Lizi.
Terrible Timmy: AH! NEED...COMPLIMENTS...CAN'T...FUNCTION! [explodes]
Lady Lizi: [glomps AA to floor and makes out] I...[kiss]...love...[kiss]...you...[kiss]...so...[kiss]...much!
Amazing Alicia: [brushes off bits of Timmy from LL's hair] Just doing my job dear. [kisses back] Love you too. We going to take out the rest of them?
Lady Lizi: [writes various horrible deaths involving cheese graters, bodies twisting like pretzels and ticking timebombs inside bodies] I want to do this right now. [grins a bit] If you don't mind.
Amazing Alicia: [grins too] We're headed home boys. All of us to do massive amounts of [winking at VV] things. But what about poor celibate Brad?
Lady Lizi: [looks at PCB] He can come with us...[writes us all home] see? Your first time is gonna be one for the record books, Super Rookie!
Super Rookie: SWEET! [gets naked]
Sir Pavel: [waves and grabs OTJ's arm, flying home] If you need us, best you not call.
Marty Mouse: [finds Sammy's hand] We going co-short fry?
O' Impatient One: [proves he is impatient and bangs Brad in the hallway of LL and AA's home]
Amazing Alica: Yeah. This [points to the three of them] works nicely.
Radiant Rayzor: [glomps NN in the hall and totally makes his night]
Magnificent Marco: [grabs Lizi's magic pen and paper and writes he and BB home]
Brilliant Bergy: BYE GUYS!
Super Sammy: Yes, we shall, although I doubt we make it past the car, love... [swings hands with Marty joyously as they walk out of the room]
Lady Lizi: [pulls curtain down] That's all you get to see folks. Good night and thanks for watching!
[camera pans away and noises can be heard]
Radiant Rayzor: Andrew Raycroft
Super Rookie: Brad Boyes
Amazing Alicia: Alicia
Lady Lizi: Lizi Misner
Vivacious Vinny: Vinny Lecavalier
Naked Nick: Nick Boynton
Marty Mouse: Martin St. Louis
Super Sammy: Sergei Samsonov
Magnificent Marco: Marco Sturm
Brilliant Bergy: Patrice Bergeron
Overtime Johnny: John Grahame
Sir Pavel: Pavel Kubina
Beauty: Hannu Toivonen
the Beast: Evgeny Artyukhin
Terrible Timmy: Tim Thomas
the Red Terror: Alexander Ovechkin
Killer Kovalchuk: Ilya Kovalchuk
Overrated Boy: Sidney Crosby
the Biggest Bitch of All: Mike Ribeiro
the Fucker: Darcy Tucker
Laughable Lindros: Eric Lindros
[opening scene, Super Rookie is thrown into a tower, landing next to Beautiful Brad and Radiant Rayzor]
Super Rookie: [looks around, confused] Where in the hell are we?
Beautiful Brad: [sits up in excietment, but slumps down when he sees person isn't Vinny] Trapped. Waiting to be rescued by our men. Who are late. Average time of rescue predicted an escape 2 hours and 13 minutes ago. And as you were brought here against your will may I ask who is your champion?
Radiant Rayzor: [puts hand on BB's shoulder and whispers] BB? This is Super Rookie, also known as Poor Celibate Brad. He may be your name-buddy, but he's straight as the day is long, and he never gets laid. So...[turns attention to Super Rookie] come, sit, Super Rookie. Join us and wallow in our misery.
Beautiful Brad: [stares at RR in amazement and glances at Celibate Brad sceptically] If he's celibate how can he attest that he prefers the female species? [addressing CB] How did you come to be here, if you weren't procured as bait?
Super Rookie: Oh, [shrugs] I'm competition to the Red Terror and Overrated Boy. They decided that I had to go.
Radiant Rayzor: How did YOU wind up in here, Beautiful Brad? None of them hate you, do they?
Beautiful Brad: [sighs dramatically and makes himself presentable to tell his tale] You are aware that The Red Terror was enlisted into the ranks of Killer Kovalchuk? [sneering] Their members can be identified by disgusting yellow footwear that will never be fashionable any season. Well, Kovalchuk has a vendetta against Pavel, recently bequeathed Sir Perseverance and as I went to visit the good knight I was mistaken for his own Overtime Johnny and brought here.
Super Rookie: [whispering to Radiant Rayzor] Since when was this a Knight's Tale?
Radiant Rayzor: [whispering, too] Since now, apparently. I'm sorry to hear that. That must suck.
Beautiful Brad: [pulls out a mouthguard to suck on and rolls his eyes at his younger companions] He's not a "Knight" in the strictest sense, but rather was inducted into the Order of The Diving Defensmen.
Radiant Rayzor: [looks from Super Rookie to Beautiful Brad] Does anyone wanna know why I'm here?
Beautiful Brad: [looks abashed] Of course. Why are you here? You aren't listed as an enemy of the Red Army, so what brought your imprisonment?
Radiant Rayzor: My story starts a long time ago, really...[sighs and things back to the middle of the hockey season] I was just finding my groove, getting to the point where I remembered what I was here for, but then Terrible Timmy came along, and took the limelight. [sighs sadly] Not like I didn't deserve it. But he took it. So, I let him take over for a little bit. And when I tried to take my spot back, every night, he'd take me out for dinner before a game...and...I think he was poisoning me. [looks at the floor] But, it stopped working. And I got into my groove again...so he decided that it was too much. So, he threw me in here.
Super Rookie: OH, that's TERRIBLE!
Radiant Rayzor: Hence, Terrible Timmy. [frowns]
Beautiful Brad: [drops back to his vernacular] That is terrible. Eh? Am I the only one here because of whom I'm fucking? I only went to Pavel's because he's been acting odd on the ice with Vinny. I thought I could get an answer straight from an honest source. But, am I surprised that I'm here? No. Vinny makes so many enemies in and out of the rink that I've spent 437,953 mintues kidnapped.
Super Rookie: Damn. To the minute...[shocked]
[meanwhile, in the Enchanted Forest of Impending Death, Doom and Destruction]
Naked Nick who is Only Half-Naked: So, why did they put yello shoelaces on all these trees? [looks at the trees in confusion]
Magnificent Marco: Because, my friend, [looks at Nick's naked chest and licks his lips] that is the symbol of the Red Army. It is sad and unfortunate. But they need to symbolize their togetherness by using yellow laces.
Brilliant Bergy: [smacks MM for staring at NNwhOHN] So, rather than pee on trees, they mark them with yellow laces. Creative.
Lady Lizi: Pee is yellow, too, though.
Amazing Alicia who is rather angry: [waves her hands into the air ranting] Brad. Brad. Of all the people they could take. Do you know what he does for our team? How are we expected to defeat the steroid infested Cats without Brad? Power plays, penalty kills, he logs more minutes than anyone else on our team. They're robbing us of our overworked Brad.
Vivacious Vinny: [grumbles to himself and looks intermittently depressed and furious]
Lady Lizi: [puts hands on AA's shoulders and starts massaging] Relax, baby. You know we'll get him back. And make them pay.
Super Sammy: [looks back at cage] NOT YET, EVGENY!
Lady Lizi: Is he still acting like a caged animal? [looks back]
Wants to be Naked Nick: Well, [looks at cage, with a tarp over it] Well, he kinda is...
Sir Perseverance a.k.a. Pavel: [ignores everyone and looks interestedly at Johnny. Runs his hands through longish goalie hair and slides his tongue between his lips, blocking the path] Polib mě, miláčku. Miluju tě.
Lady Lizi: [looks at SP and Overtime Johnny with indignance] Don't they know how rude that is?
Wants to be Naked Nick: [looks down at LL, then over to AA] I don't think she minds. [points at AA]
Amazing Alicia: [nods, dumbfounded]
Vivacious Vinny: [pulls rank and breaks up his teammates] Brad? You know 6’0”, sweetest ass in existence, important member of your team, mine, kidnapped. Nick help me out here. You want Rayzor back too.
Sir Pavel: [falls in line, but continues to whisper in Czech to Johnny]
Lady Lizi: All right, guys...do we have a trail here? Any clues whatsoever? [looks at Marty Mouse] You know, you and Super Sammy are the two smart ones here. Help us out!
Marty Mouse: [weaves in between all the people towering over him comes forward] So to recap, Super Rookie, Brad the Beautiful, and Radiant Rayzor have disappeared. It could be coincidence and if that's the case Brad, our Brad, could have been taken my anyone. [smiling at SS] So your boys have any enemies?
Super Sammy: There's Terrible Timmy. And the Annoying League of Overrated Rookies. That's all I can think of...[pauses and looks at Lady Lizi]
Lady Lizi: No, you're forgetting Biggest Bitch of All, the Fucker and Laughable Lindros. [shudders and falls into AA's arms]
Amazing Alicia: [catches LL, then drags out a pad of paper and a pen and hands them to her] Write in a clue.
Lady Lizi: [scribbles down information on a piece of paper and has Magnificent Marco read it]
Magnificent Marco: [skims paper and nods] AH HA! Elementary, my dear Watsons! There's a tower...over the river and through the woods. I heard it from my friend...Fernando? Lizi, I don't know anyone named Fernando.
Lady Lizi: YOU DO NOW! [snaps]
Magnificent Marco: [pauses, shocked] Oh, THAT Fernando...[scared] But, yes. He told me that there's a tower run by Terrible Timmy and his clan over the river and through the woods!
Brilliant Bergy: Isn't that where your grandmother's house is?
The Beast: [shakes the bars of his cage, snarling at TT's name]
Marty Mouse: [daringly sticks a hand inside and calms him] It's okay. You can have at him later I promise. [turning to his Super Sammy] Your russian. Can't you do anything?
More Angry than Amazing Alicia: Alright, mount up crew. We're going to kick ass, take names, and win us a cup. [backpedaling] Well the kick ass part at least. [glaring at SP and Overtime Johnny, who is thrust up against a tree, moaning into Pavel's mouth, with his hands wandering into interesting places] One, I don't have recording equipment. Two, we have people to rescue. Three, no video camero. Four, NO CAMERA.
Lady Lizi: Okay, so...[ponders]
Wants to be Naked Nick: [singing] OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS, TO GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE WE GO! [leading the charge, yanks Pavel by the shirt and beckons him to follow along]
Magnificent Marco: [to Bergy] I'm still wondering who I know named Fernando...
Amazing Alicia: [speaks quietly to Lizi] So do we have a game plan? First line, defence, anything? Or we just going to go up to the tower, knock on the door, and ask for two sexy gay men and a celibate straight boy who needs to get laid?
Lady Lizi: I was hoping for part two of that statement, but...[remembers how evil Terrible Timmy and his crew are] yeah, not likely.
Now totally Naked Nick: We could always just...Unleash Artyukhin? [runs hands through hair, which Lizi has magically written back to beginning of season length]
Amazing Alicia: [sees NtnN and loses verbal functions] Nngh. [tries to think] But we have to get in to unleash him. What you think we're going to call up to Brad the Beautiful, or Radiant Rayzor and ask "Hockey boys, hockey boys, let down your long hair?"
Vivacious Vinny: [eyes NtnN appreciatively and tosses him a puck with his number scribbled on it] In case you want a threesome, or foursome, or twosome.
Lady Lizi: [staring at NTNN in shock] Uh...nake--fuck. Um...nak--um...SHIT! [STILL STARING] HOLY FUCK YOU'RE HOT AND YOU, ALICIA AND I SHOULD TOTALLY HAVE A THREESOME! Okay, with that out of the way...[still staring] No...we need someone to use as bait. Some pretty. Some REALLY pretty...like...
Now Totally Naked Nick: HANNU!
Overtime Johnny: [disengages his tongue from Pavel and speaks for the first time] Hannu would be the perfect. I know first hand that it was me vs. you guys during the games with Hannu in net. [swats away Pavel's hands that are working their way under his shirt] He has the geisha effect. They'll be too stunned to react.
Lady Lizi: [writes something down on another piece of paper...Hannu appears]
Now Totally Naked Nick: [walks into wall]
Vivacious Vinny: [stumbles over his feet and lands on his ass]
Sir Pavel: [drops OTJ's hand that he was sucking on and stares in wonder]
Marty Mouse: [falls to his knees, whimpering]
The Beast: [Sees beauty and falls in love]
Beauty: [peeks through tarp and makes his way into the cage]
Lady Lizi: [squees] BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!
Amazing Alicia: [squees as well] Damn that's cute and kind of hot.
The Beast: [reaches out to trace Beauty's face]
Overtime Johnny: [storms away from Pavel after his reaction to Hannu]
Sir Pavel: [pleads with OTJ] Láska, Janecek, Nemužu bez tebe žít. You know that.
Vivacious Vinny: [annoyed, picks himself off the ground] Can we find Brad now?
Lady Lizi: [to VV] Yes, O Impatient One. That needs to be your new superhero name. [writes in that they quickly pass over the river and through the woods, and Marco's grandma's house, and come out with cookies]
Brilliant Bergy: Damn, Marco, your grandma makes good cookies! [eats chocolate chip cookie]
Marty Mouse: [bites into a cookie happily] Mmmm. [mumbling through bites of cookie] You want some Sammy?
Amazing Alicia: [nods to LL] Agreed. [snapping at Vinny] Just because you haven't screwed in almost 24 hours doesn't mean you have to be snippy. Besides whining what are you contributing exactly?
Lady Lizi: He does contribute some of the pretty... [nods at VV]
Super Sammy: Mmm, cookie! [kisses Marty and comes out with cookie in his mouth] MmmMarty! I love you, co-short fry.
Lady Lizi: OMGSQUEE!
Amazing Alicia: [beams at the short fries] Okay. Yeah, he does do that. And it's not his fault that he can't function without Brad. Together they make up a whole brain.
Marty Mouse: Not as much as I love you, my littlest Russian.
Overtime Johnny: [ever observant] Where did Now Totally Naked Nick go?
Naked Nick: [waves at everyone from in front of a large stone structure] I'm the only one doing my job. [points at structure] The tower? Over the river and through the woods? Who wants to try plan b? And politely ask them to let us in? [ponders, rephrases] Or, better yet, who is nice and sweet enough to con them into letting us in?
Marty Mouse: [shakes his head] No one trusts me after I shafted them in '04.
Overtime Johnny: [conspiring with Lizi] If we aren't using Hannu [sees Beauty and the Beast curled up together] who do you have in mind? [shares a silent communication with Sir Pavel, both try not to look at AA]
Lady Lizi: [glares at the boys] You are not talking me into turning on my baby. But...we could have her bitchy streak come out. And if all else fails...we could distract them with Beauty, and then when the Beast gets pissed off, we can Unleash Artyukhin...
Amazing Alicia: Whoa. Slow down there. You're going to send me, by my lonesome, into the cesspool that's Killer Kovalchuk, Fucker, the Biggest Bitch of all, the Red Terror, Terrible Timmy, and Overrated Boy? And you expect me to what? Go in there and tell them what cheap shotting ninny fakers of impending doom they are?
Lady Lizi: I DIDN'T SAY THAT! [looks down] See what you did to me, boys?
Overtime Johnny: [leans against a tree, chilling, with no cares in the world] So we made it here we know the guys are inside, we've got no idea how to get them out, but it's all good. Hey man, does anyone want to list our assests? Or you know, divide and conquer? Who wants shots at who?
Lady Lizi: We can pick who is gonna kill who, and...you know what? [grabs paper and pen] Once we pick, I can write us inside. Use my mad skillz. Alls I know is I want the Biggest Bitch of All.
Naked Nick: Hey! I want to get him! Revenge factor! [snarls at thought of BBoA]
O Impatient One: [shrugs] I'm snagging my man and I'm out of there. We have things we need to do.
Amazing Alicia: [bares her teeth and growls Evgeny-like] Kovalchuk is mine. The bastard's going down. [rolls up her sleeves] You don't mess with a girl's hockey husband.
Sir Pavel: [protesting] Alicia, you can't. [backs away from her angry glare] Well, not alone you can't. I come too.
Overtime Johnny: I have battled with Ovechkininny and Overrated Boy many times. I'll keep them occupied.
Lady Lizi: That leaves Terrible Timmy and Fucker...[thinks about those two and shudders]
Marty Mouse: [jacked up on a sugar high, pips in] I knew Timmy before his turn to the dark side. Maybe he can be reasoned with?
Lady Lizi: I'm sorry, Marty...[frowns] He took Rayzor.
Naked Nick: HE NEEDS TO PAY! [bares teeth]
Super Sammy: Not by yourself, you ain't! [gets all angry Russian] No one is touching my man.
Lady Lizi: OMG, THEY ARE SO CUTE! [squees]
Magnificent Marco: We'll take Laughable Lindros...[looks at Brilliant Bergy]
Brilliant Bergy: God yes. He makes my skin crawl. [nods firmly]
Lady Lizi: All right then...[takes out pen and paper and writes us into the tower]
Super Rookie: ABOUT DAMNED TIME! [huffs]
Brad the Beautiful: [flings himself at Vinny, grabbing his face and playing a quick game of tonsil hockey] You're late. [hands Vinny back his mouthguard and shoves him against the rough stone walls, dropping to his knees]
Amazing Alicia: [fans herself and coughs] Boys, you might want to go home, and you know, do that there.
Lady Lizi: Damn...[watches in awe] But do they HAVE to?
Radiant Rayzor: [stands up] Jesus! I thought you'd NEVER fucking get here! [stands up and goes to stand by Nick's side...looks at nakedness and blinks] Nngh...you're too fucking hot to be mad at.
[Super Rookie, Brilliant Bergy and Magnificent Marco join hands and become the SUPER MAGIC TOP LINE TRIO!]
Lady Lizi: [whispers to AA] Did you know they could do that?
Amazing Alicia: [whispers back] No, but it reminds me of the Power of V's. Makes sense that your top line has special abilities too.
Lady Lizi: [grins at all the whispering and grabs AA and totally kisses/gropes] Ahem...
Amazing Alicia: [finds an unused piece of wall, not occupied by Brinny or Sir Pavel and OTJ who have lost sight of the mission and makes out with LL] Just yeah...
Lady Lizi: Nngh...damn...[loses brain function]
Terrible Timmy: RAH! I AM A GOALIE GOD! FEAR ME! [throws things]
Lady Lizi: [glares at TT] 'Scuse me...having a MOMENT here!
Angry Alicia: [goes off on a tirade] Look buddy, you come out of nowhere, take Radiant Rayzor's spot, poison the poor guy's confidence, trick everyone into beiliving your some kind of goalie god, which I'm not buying, weasel your way into a three year contract, and make my woman's life hell. And NOW you want to interupt our moment? Not going to happen Providence Boy.
Lady Lizi: [giggles] She called 'im Providence Boy...
Radiant Rayzor: [looks at AA] Yep, so glad to be part of an OT6 with her...
Lady Lizi: [staring at AA] Damn, that is hot...
Terrible Timmy: Please. I'm supposed to be scared of you? [steps forward and stares AA down]
Angry Alicia: [stares back] And you have the gall to make excuses for your imbecilic misses? It's called responsibility. It's called helping a puck into the net that was moving slower than Hal. [asks Hal's forgivness silently] And guess what? Marty Mouse, ain't yours anymore. No more vacations in Florida with a convient fuck buddy. The line has been drawn. You go back to Providence or I'll end you. For Rayzor, for the Bruins, and for Lizi.
Terrible Timmy: AH! NEED...COMPLIMENTS...CAN'T...FUNCTION! [explodes]
Lady Lizi: [glomps AA to floor and makes out] I...[kiss]...love...[kiss]...you...[kiss]...so...[kiss]...much!
Amazing Alicia: [brushes off bits of Timmy from LL's hair] Just doing my job dear. [kisses back] Love you too. We going to take out the rest of them?
Lady Lizi: [writes various horrible deaths involving cheese graters, bodies twisting like pretzels and ticking timebombs inside bodies] I want to do this right now. [grins a bit] If you don't mind.
Amazing Alicia: [grins too] We're headed home boys. All of us to do massive amounts of [winking at VV] things. But what about poor celibate Brad?
Lady Lizi: [looks at PCB] He can come with us...[writes us all home] see? Your first time is gonna be one for the record books, Super Rookie!
Super Rookie: SWEET! [gets naked]
Sir Pavel: [waves and grabs OTJ's arm, flying home] If you need us, best you not call.
Marty Mouse: [finds Sammy's hand] We going co-short fry?
O' Impatient One: [proves he is impatient and bangs Brad in the hallway of LL and AA's home]
Amazing Alica: Yeah. This [points to the three of them] works nicely.
Radiant Rayzor: [glomps NN in the hall and totally makes his night]
Magnificent Marco: [grabs Lizi's magic pen and paper and writes he and BB home]
Brilliant Bergy: BYE GUYS!
Super Sammy: Yes, we shall, although I doubt we make it past the car, love... [swings hands with Marty joyously as they walk out of the room]
Lady Lizi: [pulls curtain down] That's all you get to see folks. Good night and thanks for watching!
[camera pans away and noises can be heard]