I'm damaged and I'm sure you know...

[holdd_me_tightt]

It's really hard for me to trust people these days. It just doesn't happen. Sometimes I don't even trust my best friends. I guess it all relates back to Dustin. He made me feel like I couldn't trust anyone...especially guys. I find it to be exceptionally hard to trust the guys that I care about the most. Like, right now...I can't fully trust Jason. It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I won't allow myself to becase I am so scared that something is going to happen. He has told me not to worry about that, and I know if he reads this...he'll tell me not to worry once again, but unfortunately...I worry. I don't want to. I haven't heard from him in 2 days. You know how I feel?? Scared and depressed. I'm not being a stalker...to the point where I have to constantly know where he is or know what he's doing. It's not like that at all, so I hope he doesn't feel that way. It's just really hard when you spend your days trying to find someone who actually cares about you...like truly cares...and then you find someone that you think is absolutely perfect and you live in constant fear that you're going to lose them. I mean, he's not even my boyfriend. We've never even actually hung out...but there isn't a doubt in my mind that he is exactly what I'm looking for. I look forward to talking to him everyday. He makes me smile more than anyone I have ever known. For once, someone makes me...well...happy. People may think I'm crazy because he and I don't know each other that well, but from what I do know...he's amazing. One problem is that I always have this one thought lingering in the back of my mind..."he may be the best thing for me, but I don't think I'm the best thing for him." Basically, I don't think it's possible for anyone to love me. Jason will be gone soon. As much as I would love for him to be around for a long time and be with me for a long time, it's just not going to happen. He'll get tired of me and never talk to me again. Nothing good in my life ever lasts. You know what though, I'm paranoid. In the back of my mind...I know he's busy. I am not his life, so why would I expect that I'd be on his mind all the time. I mean, am I ever on his mind? I guess only he can answer that question. All I can say is...I like him...and I hope things work out. He's amazing. I hope he understands me...no one else does.

<333 Rachel

There's just something about him...