Theres beauty in breakdown
This evening I bought a pack of Marlboro lights for the first time in about 2 and 1/2 weeks...I was working towards kicking that bad habit. Not to say I haven’t bummed some from Brian in Mass or my wonderful roommate, but I really had no intention of buying any more. That was until I starting stressing out tonight.
Rocky was right when she said my future was predicted for me in the 4th grade. My 4th grade teacher gave everyone a superlative award at the end of the year. Standard awards such as perfect attendance, most athletic and best hair, however mine was not the typical 4th grade award. No, I was give the "Heartbreaker award" with the explanation the she had never seen a 4th grader break so many hearts, I didn’t know 4th graders even knew what heart break was. I never really looked at my behavior as heart breaking, and I'm not so sure I believe they are now, but everywhere I turn I meet someone and the same thing happens. They meet me and attach themselves. I don't do well with attachment and I easily so carelessly "throw them away". I've dismissed so many good hearted people on account of my lack of desire for commitment and my irresponsible way of not being clear from the very beginning. But how do you really make that clear to someone when you meet them? I am convinced I need to wear a sign on the front of my shirt that reads, "Loves to have fun, would love to chat and get to know you, but wants absolutely no commitment, no serious relationship, and doesn’t want to hear that you are in love with her" I don’t even believe that I make these people fall in love with me, I am convinced that they are so eager to find someone that they create this feeling or they think that because they enjoy my company that I am "the one". Can I for once meet someone who just wants to hang out and be friends, someone who doesn’t want to spend everyone second of every day with me, someone who lets me breathe and be me and someone who feels the same way and wants to do the same thing. Someone who doesn’t want to be so serious especially after oh, lets use the latest example, 2 1/2-3 weeks of casually hanging out. Why is everyone looking for so called love? At the mere age of 18 why would anyone want to spend their time tied down, you have your whole life to meet people and find that connection, why is everyone so ready to find it now? Then once I get into these situations where my only option is to break the news that I am not ready to be serious nor am I even remotely close to sharing the mutual feeling of love, they get crazy. Tonight after dealing with drunk phone calls, because yes most of my experiences have resulted in the guys getting drunk after they realize I’m not in love, but after trying to deal with the latest drunk love sick puppy, I had to push ignore realistically 10 times. I don’t want to deal with that, I have my own problems and my own baggage to deal with, the last thing I want to do is take on the responsibility of sorting out someone else's. Maybe its cold hearted and insensitive but I am so tired of taking care of everyone and trying not to hurt people’s feelings. I am in my "youth" and I shouldn’t have to worry about anyone but myself, and as of lately I don’t care how selfish that sounds. Sure I have plenty of friends who are "in love" and that’s great, I am no one to dictate who feels what, but I know that right now that scenario is not for me. Why can't people understand that?
Maybe it is me, maybe I need to not agree to hang out with people after meeting them because I know it always turns out the same. I have great friends, great roommates, a wonderful sister, the best family anyone could ask for, and numerous opportunities to do wonderful things. I know I don’t tell them very often but I love my mom, meme, rocky, Natalie and all my friends not only for being there for me through thick and thin, dealing with me when I’m a bitch, and bringing out the best in me, but for fulfilling my life so much that as of now I don’t need to "fall in love" or even look for it!
Maybe I rely on my friends, I watch too much sex and the city and smoke too many Marlboro lights, but sometimes those are the only things that keep my balanced and are worthwhile and finally getting that out even if it is only in a live journal, feels pretty damn good.
Rocky was right when she said my future was predicted for me in the 4th grade. My 4th grade teacher gave everyone a superlative award at the end of the year. Standard awards such as perfect attendance, most athletic and best hair, however mine was not the typical 4th grade award. No, I was give the "Heartbreaker award" with the explanation the she had never seen a 4th grader break so many hearts, I didn’t know 4th graders even knew what heart break was. I never really looked at my behavior as heart breaking, and I'm not so sure I believe they are now, but everywhere I turn I meet someone and the same thing happens. They meet me and attach themselves. I don't do well with attachment and I easily so carelessly "throw them away". I've dismissed so many good hearted people on account of my lack of desire for commitment and my irresponsible way of not being clear from the very beginning. But how do you really make that clear to someone when you meet them? I am convinced I need to wear a sign on the front of my shirt that reads, "Loves to have fun, would love to chat and get to know you, but wants absolutely no commitment, no serious relationship, and doesn’t want to hear that you are in love with her" I don’t even believe that I make these people fall in love with me, I am convinced that they are so eager to find someone that they create this feeling or they think that because they enjoy my company that I am "the one". Can I for once meet someone who just wants to hang out and be friends, someone who doesn’t want to spend everyone second of every day with me, someone who lets me breathe and be me and someone who feels the same way and wants to do the same thing. Someone who doesn’t want to be so serious especially after oh, lets use the latest example, 2 1/2-3 weeks of casually hanging out. Why is everyone looking for so called love? At the mere age of 18 why would anyone want to spend their time tied down, you have your whole life to meet people and find that connection, why is everyone so ready to find it now? Then once I get into these situations where my only option is to break the news that I am not ready to be serious nor am I even remotely close to sharing the mutual feeling of love, they get crazy. Tonight after dealing with drunk phone calls, because yes most of my experiences have resulted in the guys getting drunk after they realize I’m not in love, but after trying to deal with the latest drunk love sick puppy, I had to push ignore realistically 10 times. I don’t want to deal with that, I have my own problems and my own baggage to deal with, the last thing I want to do is take on the responsibility of sorting out someone else's. Maybe its cold hearted and insensitive but I am so tired of taking care of everyone and trying not to hurt people’s feelings. I am in my "youth" and I shouldn’t have to worry about anyone but myself, and as of lately I don’t care how selfish that sounds. Sure I have plenty of friends who are "in love" and that’s great, I am no one to dictate who feels what, but I know that right now that scenario is not for me. Why can't people understand that?
Maybe it is me, maybe I need to not agree to hang out with people after meeting them because I know it always turns out the same. I have great friends, great roommates, a wonderful sister, the best family anyone could ask for, and numerous opportunities to do wonderful things. I know I don’t tell them very often but I love my mom, meme, rocky, Natalie and all my friends not only for being there for me through thick and thin, dealing with me when I’m a bitch, and bringing out the best in me, but for fulfilling my life so much that as of now I don’t need to "fall in love" or even look for it!
Maybe I rely on my friends, I watch too much sex and the city and smoke too many Marlboro lights, but sometimes those are the only things that keep my balanced and are worthwhile and finally getting that out even if it is only in a live journal, feels pretty damn good.