(no subject)
I'm going to be moving in with a friend, and while I have to be out by the first, we've made a lot of progress in the past week. I've minimized the amount of crap we have and that feels pretty great. My brother took all of my mom's belongings so I no longer have to worry about keeping track of enough stuff to fill a five bedroom house to the brim. I finally got some financial aid, even if it's only about $250 a month. I'm not going to have to pay rent or utilities while I live with my friend, so I hope I'm able to start saving enough to get Gwen and I a little apartment, unless this friendship turns into something else along the road (however even if that happens I'd like the security of having my own place, especially after what feels like a lifetime of shitty relationships.)
I'm very strongly considering ditching my desperate attempts at completing a health science/medical type of technical program in favor of doing what I've had a passion for doing since I was 15. I just feel like I'm letting everyone (which at this point is...who, exactly?) down if I do that, as so many people look at that profession as a "cop out." I just realized that things like my colorful hair and body art make me happy, and I would love the freedom to do what I wanted without needing to worry about losing my job. It may sound ridiculous or immature that I value those things over a job, but everyone is different, right?
I've been experiencing severe depression lately. I realized that the goals I had in life have been ripped to shreds, and I'm very unhappy with the direction my life is going in. I feel alone. I feel like a zombie most days. I go through the motions, but it's like everything I try fails miserably. Normally I would say everyone has times in their lives that are like this, but the most worrisome thing right now is that I don't even feel upset anymore. The best explanation I have is that I feel numb. I seem to jump between silent but incredibly severe anxiety and bottomless depression. I lost my health insurance for awhile and I've been off my medication, but these things were happening even when I was taking them. I have so many things I need to do, like scheduling an appointment with my doctor to try and find some relief for my back pain and finding a new psychiatrist, but motivation is hard to come by these days. I should be going through Gwen's toys and packing those things up, or cleaning the kitchen and getting all the dishes done. I just don't care. I don't think I've ever been this low before, and I feel like this should scare me, but it isn't.
I'm very strongly considering ditching my desperate attempts at completing a health science/medical type of technical program in favor of doing what I've had a passion for doing since I was 15. I just feel like I'm letting everyone (which at this point is...who, exactly?) down if I do that, as so many people look at that profession as a "cop out." I just realized that things like my colorful hair and body art make me happy, and I would love the freedom to do what I wanted without needing to worry about losing my job. It may sound ridiculous or immature that I value those things over a job, but everyone is different, right?
I've been experiencing severe depression lately. I realized that the goals I had in life have been ripped to shreds, and I'm very unhappy with the direction my life is going in. I feel alone. I feel like a zombie most days. I go through the motions, but it's like everything I try fails miserably. Normally I would say everyone has times in their lives that are like this, but the most worrisome thing right now is that I don't even feel upset anymore. The best explanation I have is that I feel numb. I seem to jump between silent but incredibly severe anxiety and bottomless depression. I lost my health insurance for awhile and I've been off my medication, but these things were happening even when I was taking them. I have so many things I need to do, like scheduling an appointment with my doctor to try and find some relief for my back pain and finding a new psychiatrist, but motivation is hard to come by these days. I should be going through Gwen's toys and packing those things up, or cleaning the kitchen and getting all the dishes done. I just don't care. I don't think I've ever been this low before, and I feel like this should scare me, but it isn't.