Chapter 22: The Breaking of the Fellowship
Frodo: Himself
Sam: Fiona
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Aragorn: Cristy
Boromir: John
Legolas: Stephanie
Gimli: Dwarf
Treebeard/all trees in existence: Ellie
Sauron: Pigeon Boy
Orcs: The Creepy Magic Gang
By the next day, the orcs had gone off again; this due to the fact that Fiona had repeatedly threatened to burn all their solar glasses, plus (and more importantly) there being held a Magic competition in nearby Osgiliath. The Fellowship collected themselves, and presently assembled their belongings, which were scattered all over the campsite.
Meara, Riga, and Elanor were standing in a circle, staring at their precious book bags, which they feared after the attack had been damaged extensively!
“You think they’re all right?” whispered Meara worriedly.
“I dunno. Took quite a beating, didn’t they?” chuckled Riga silently.
Ellie poked the bag nervously. “Hey... you guys all right in there?”
A voice came out from the bag. “We are fine, but we would really appreciate it if you answered that question about the bathroom!”
“I’m not fine, I’ve got a bruise the size of Leith on my-”
“Don’t contradict me-”
“I wasn’t-”
“Yes, you were! I said we were fine, and then you said you weren’t, thereby contradicting-”
“I’ve still got to gooo!!” the other voice interrupted.
Meara heard a noise behind her. Glancing back sharply, she told the voices to be quiet and quickly shut the bags shoving one to Riga and placing the other on her back.
“OW! Gosh, woman! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?” protested the second voice. “Hey, you are crushing the family jewels!” he whined.
“I’VE GONE BLIND!!” screamed another voice hysterically.
“What are you guys doing?” Scila asked innocently as she came up behind them.
“Nothing! Just picking up our things!” Riga answered as she winked very COVERTLY to Ellie.
“Yeah, I mean, these orcs! So violent! We’re having a hard time finding Ellie’s review book!” Meara commented as she led the confused dwarf away from the still animate book bags.
Fiona: PERSONIFICATION!
Ellie: Huh? No, it’s not.
Fiona: It is too.
Suddenly, Mr. Frodo appeared. “Hi guys!” he waved. He was wearing shiny black tap shoes and a tuxedo, looking mysteriously like a tap-dancing... penguin.
“I thought he was mute?” muttered Meara confusedly.
“He can’t sing if he’s mute, they wouldn’t need a voice if he was.” replied Ellie tiredly.
SUDDENLY A DARK FIGURE RAN BEHIND FRODO.
“What was that!?” Riga asked.
“You mean you can’t tell what I am? I thought it was a good costume...” Frodo said, totally missing the point.
“I still don’t get it. You mean he’s deaf?” queried Meara as she turned towards Ellie.
“I highly doubt that, he always seems to respond perfectly well to threats and insults.” Replied the always-scientific Riga.
“Geesh, it’s not that important people! Let’s go put these two in the boats, Riga, we’ve got to get going,” Ellie said as she rolled her eyes at the oblivious hobbit, and she and Riga walked towards the river.
Meara and Frodo turned to each other and shrugged.
And so the dark figure was forgotten... again.
LATER...
“I’VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS! THERE THEY ARE STANDING IN A ROW! BIG ONES, SMALL ONES, SOME AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD!” The hobbits were singing loudly in unison. Well, not really in unison.
“Make them stop!!” Scila groaned as she covered her ears protectively.
“Please, you guys keep the caterwauling to a minimum. The orcs will hear us and come back. And that log thing, too...” Cristy begged uselessly.
Poor warrior-dude John sat in a corner muttering to himself and ignoring the general rabble of his companions.
“I hate that Frodo, he’s so hot right now...look at him go on his little scooter, acting all cool and stuff...bet he doesn’t even use hair gel...grumble...stupid Han-sel-o, more like Han-sel-out.”
“What’s that John?” asked Cristy threateningly.
“Nothing.”
The fellowship was making their way slowly along the Great Jared (Meara and Elanor: HONESTLY RIGA! SHUT UP!) once more and planned to reach the Falls of Rauros by the end of the day. That is, if by some stroke of luck the wenches didn’t hear the loud singing and attack, after all they like discordant noises.
Eventually, the hobbits ran out of oxygen and paused their singing to gasp for air with every intention of continuing when Cristy took this opportune moment of silence to announce that when they had reached Tol Brandir, she would be conducting a serious meeting!
Riga: Opportune moment! Yaaaaay! takes a swig from her magical time-traveling jug
Authors: glare
And so chaos was restored as Meara and Riga began their reenactment of the spectacularly cheesy Troy death scene... or something like it.
“STOP IT YOU GUYS! IT’S REALLY VERY TOUCHING!” gruffed Ellie as she stalked off towards the front of the boat to consider the movie’s emotional implications.
Meara and Riga: snort
Ellie: Hmph.
Within a few minutes however, Ellie became distracted by her new happy ELO CD shining in its pretty plastictic wrapping and started singing and dancing. “You shine your love on my life! Oooh, ooh! Clap, clap!”
The rest of the fellowship with the exception of John, who was sharpening his foil and glaring at Frodo, played DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS!
“I’m dungeon master!” shrieked Cristy.
“You always want to be the leader! You’re not the KING YET!”
Cristy: Growl
“Ask the river to DM!” exclaimed Riga enthusiastically; she was therefore promptly dumped in the river by both Ellie and Meara.
“OH, GO KISS AN ORC!” they screamed.
Chris: I’m here!
Scila and Fiona actually had to row, the poor peoples.
Time passed in this fashion for a while as they made their way down the river. In the afternoon, it started raining and a deep fog settled over the river. For the next couple of hours, the fellowship was busy attempting to stay dry and get the water out of their boats.
“Stupid, evil rain! I can’t see a thing!” Fiona wailed.
“I like the rain...” said Ellie pensively.
“Are you kidding me?” Stephanie protested, “It is destroying my hair! I paid big money for this haircut! DAMN HUMIDITY!”
“I don’t mind the rain, but this fog is not letting me see where we’re going!” replied Cristy sadly.
“I didn’t know there could be so much fog this time of day...” Meara mused.
Authors: shrug
But just then the fog started to clear and the rain soon stopped. Then the fellowship could see that they were in the middle of a ravine, with steep cliffs rising on either side of them.
“Ohhhh, I get it now, mysterious effect!” whispered Meara happily.
“It’s all about the right atmosphere.” Started Riga but she was quickly interrupted.
“Hey... what’s that up ahead?” Frodo pointed to two towering statues in the near distance.
The statues were of two strawberry twizzlers, each on either side of the river, carved out of the surrounding cliffs. Their faces of grey stone were faded, crumbling with the passing of time; their nutrition fact labels reflected the sunlight; and their swords hung at their sides. They held out their left hands, palms outward, appearing as two giant low-fat candies guarding the ancient realm of the kings.
“SCORE! TWIZZLERS!” screamed Riga and Meara as they dove into the river and made for the vending machines located nearby.
Riga: Blatant advertising!
Meara: Blataant, Riga. Like the sound a ferret makes when it falls from an exceptionally tall building.
Cristy: Grrr.
“The Argonath!” Cristy cried. “Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old... my kin...”
“They were a type of low-fat candy?” questioned Frodo suspiciously.
“Actually, the have a surprisingly large amount of sugar!” replied Riga as she crawled back into the boat and opened her bag. “Eeew, they smell nasty! But they taste great!”
Ellie, upon finding that the Twizzlers had the consistency of rubber, began to throw them at the surrounding people. “Three-dollar projectile missiles! Wheee!”
“Ahem, yes they are my kin! I said that already! Don’t be so suspicious you little energizer!” grumbled Cristy threateningly.
“Phew! I was starting to think she was just some hobo who lived in the woods!” Meara said to herself, relieved to find that the Ranger might yet become a proper leader!
The boats moved past the Argonath and into the ancient realm of Numenor. (YAAAAY!) The travelers found themselves in a calm oval lake. Grey hills stood to either side of them, and in the middle, a steep peak formed an island. Past the island, the Falls of Rauros could be heard rumbling.
“There’s Tol Brandir...” Cristy said, pointing to the island. “But for now, we’re gonna park our canoe-things on Parth Galen over on the right bank. Let’s move it, chicas! I’m hungry, and we’ve got that meeting thing to deal with.”
“Great! Does that mean we can go to the bathroom now?” exclaimed Meara’s book bag. Meara kicked it violently.
“Who said that?!” Scila looked around wildly. “Ghosts!”
“Nah, it was her.” Riga said blandly pointing to Fiona.
Authors: Snort
The members of the fellowship paddled their boats to shore and clambered out. They began to set up camp in a clearing in the woods. By the time they had settled in, night had fallen.
Later that night
“What’s for dinner?” Riga demanded.
“Erm... flapjacky cakey things?” answered Fiona, rummaging through her bag.
“I’m tired of flapjacky whatever bread! The name is too long! And it gives me a tummy ache...” whimpered Meara. She promptly stood up and started walking off into the woods.
“Where are you going?” Stephanie asked.
“To look for real food!” Meara said as she walked off. The rest of the fellowship shrugged and followed after her because, as Cristy had reminded them, they all needed to be together for that serious meeting of hers, plus they were getting a bit tired of the food as well; all that fiber is just not good for you!
“Sooo... which way do we go?” Stephanie asked.
“Sou’ sou’east,” replied Riga’s book bag.
“You should have stayed with Cristy; she protects you, father figure, if you have issues with that kind of thing.” Whispered an eerie voice into Meara’s ear.
“What? Chicken are we?! HAHA Dom stinks!” exclaimed another into Riga’s.
“Oh please, Billy’s an idiot! I am the best computer animated player ever! The more intelligent people choose me! ” retorted Meara’s.
“I’m still a better gamer!”
“Don’t jostle about so!” chirped Ellie.
“STOP THE VOICES!” screamed Scila insanely as she covered her ears!
Riga and Meara quickly nudged their bags and walked ahead.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t any real food in Parth Galen, so they were forced to settle for Johnny Rockets.
“Someone could make a killing if they started another restaurant around here,” Ellie commented as the group ignored the “Please wait to be seated” sign and entered the not-so-shiny diner.
“Yeah...” Riga agreed, “A tea store... or a smoothie stand!”
“Smoothies! That’s a good idea!” exclaimed Elanor.
“Capital!” exclaimed Fiona.
Silence
“Yes, well uhm, we could sell lots of yummy stuff like... Raspberry-cheese smoothies!”
Stephanie scowled. “Ew.”
“What are you talking about, it’s genius!” Ellie and Riga sat down at the table and started to plan out their future business endeavors.
“C’mon, what’s taking so long? Look at the waitress; she’s just standing there talking!” Meara complained.
“WE NEED OUR MENUS!” Fiona yelled, but the waitress made no sign of hearing her.
“Her tip is diminishing as we speak!” Meara said forcefully.
Cristy pointed to a jukebox at the end of the table. “Music! Anyone have five cents?”
Ellie clung protectively to her Friendship Nickel.
“Here, take some of the lady’s tip,” suggested Meara.
They put in the coin and picked out song F7: Sinatra’s “Down With Love”.
The dwarf narrowed her eyes. “I swear... if you people ever force me to see another movie like that, I’ll kill you!”
Riga shrugged. “It had happy music...”
Finally, the waitress person strolled over to their table. “What’ll it be?”
“I’ll have the patty melt... with no onions, and on white bread with tomat-” Frodo stopped when he saw that the waitress was staring off into space. “Hello? Did you hear me, I said no onions! HELLO?!”
The waitress blinked and looked back at them. “So what’ll it be?”
Frodo looked at the lady blankly.
“There goes some more of her tip...” Meara said under her breath.
Eventually the waitress had managed to focus long enough to write down all eight people’s orders.
The fellowship was sitting around chatting, when a short man with a yellow and purple velvet joker’s hat came over to their table. “Ahem... my name is James and I will be your minstrel this evening... Care for a song?” he asked as he strummed his little harp.
“I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts!” Fiona replied gleefully.
“Yes you do.” Replied Chris from nowhere.
James’s face lit up. “Down at an English fair! One evening I was there... When I heard a showman shouting underneath the flair! I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts! There they are standing in a row! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Give ‘em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that’s what the showman said!”
“Well...” said Meara, who had had enough of the horrid wafer bars, as she glanced over at the minstrel. “That is wonderful, James, but it doesn’t make up for the lack of food... where are our fries?”
“Probably for the best... it’s not good to eat junk food...” Stephanie remarked as her stomach gave an audible growl. She glanced down at her belly. “Meara’s right! WHERE ARE OUR FRIES!?”
The lady brought over a tray of fries, one of onion rings, and one of tartar sauce and walked away.
Meara grabbed a fry and dipped it in ranch tartar sauce. “Ew... that’s just disgusting...”
“Wait! Lady! Where’s our ketchup?” yelled Fiona sadly.
“Hoooooow rude!” exclaimed Meara in a Jar-Jar tone.
The lady came back with a bottle of ketchup and poured some. She walked away languidly.
“HEY!” Fiona demanded yet again. “I want a ketchup smiley face!” The waitress just kept walking.
Suddenly Meara got up to go to the bathroom but not before giving Cristy a warning
look as the ranger gave her fries yet another lustful glance.
“Guard my fries John.”
“Too late.”
“What do you mean too late?”
“Fearless leader over there just took two.”
“And you didn’t stop her!?!”
“I’m like the French!” shrug
Ellie grabbed an onion ring and started picking at the outside. Then she grabbed her ale bottle and started drunkenly complaining about unfaithful orchestral conductors. Riga looked at her and started protesting. “You always leave us the onion! Drunken wench!”
“Hiccup! And who the hell has that kind of authority anyways? Who the bloody hell is John Mauceri?! DAMN THE WORLD!” Ellie took a swig from her bottle.
Meara: This is my fifth reading of this chapter, and only now do I get who John Mauceri is!!!
Authors: Idiot!
Riga looked at Ellie sadly. “I could defenestrate you,” she suggested. Elanor gave her a big drunken hug and thanked her for being such a caring friend.
“Is anyone going to tell him to stop?” Cristy whispered, glancing over at James, who continued: “Singing roll a bowl a ball a penny a piiiiitch! Roll a bowl a ball... roll a bowl a ball...”
“Let ‘im sing! Hic” Ellie raised her bottle. “Noooobody knows the troubles I’ve seeen.... Noooobody knooows... my sorrrooooow!”
“She’s really starting to scare me.” Whispered Meara as the drunken hobbit fell unconscious into her patty melt.
“Citrus canker.”
“Oh...that explains it.”
After the fellowship had finished their dinners and the minstrel had given them his renditions of several Weird Al Yankovitch songs, Cristy announced that it was time for that serious meeting.
“Ok, chicas,” she said with an air of authority. “We’ve got to decide which way to go now. We could go with warrior-dude over to his city, or we could go over to Mordor to get rid of that hawk--”
“Pigeon!” Meara corrected her automatically as she played with her straw.
“-yeah, pigeon, or we could separate or something like that.” Cristy finished. Meara rolled her eyes.
“I don’t really know what Scott would have wanted us to do, but I figure we might as well let Frodo decide, seeing as how he’s the pigeon-bearer and all.” Cristy added with a self-assured nod.
Meara looked at the Ranger blankly. “Let... Frodo decide?” From the look on her face, Cristy might as well have suggested giving Mr. Z a hug.
Riga: Aww, I’ll hug him! Everybody needs a hug!
Everyone stared at Frodo, who was about to faint as usual. “Erm... I need time to think about this.” he suggested.
“I love Rocky Road!” sang James completely and utterly oblivious.
Frodo stood up and walked out of the diner, saying he’d be back in an hour with his decision.
John looked up hopefully from his silent reverie “You know what we all need? ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINOS!!!”
Wake me up before you go girl! Zoolander moment!
Authors: Wooohooo!
John suddenly jumped up grabbed his sword and ran out of the diner before anyone could protest, but honestly who would?!
“Well, now that that’s taken care of!” started a satisfied Cristy, and she announced that she needed to decide what she wanted for dessert.
Meara shook her head sadly and passed her a menu.
Later
It took only a few minutes of calling “FRUITCAKE! WAIT A SEC! I’M SUPPPOSED TO GO WITH YOU!” to get Frodo to return to the clearing obviously in a rather miffed mood where John was waiting by a Starbuck’s sign.
“Enough with the gay allusions! What do you want?!” gruffed the perturbed hobbit.
Meara: I love that word!
“I’m supposed to watch you. No one should go out alone. Besides I don’t have any cash, this one’s on you. Remember, Frodo, with great power comes great responsibility.” Replied the happy warrior as he patted the hobbit on the head and walked down the path.
Riga: What great power?
Authors: Wrong movie, John.
John: shrug
“What’s on me? I am not falling for that again JOHN!” screamed the foolish hobbit as he followed.
They passed through a mysteriously and suspiciously quiet clearing and turned into a shady glade (shady in both meanings of the word) and found a rather drabby looking wooden shack and a fountain with the Starbuck’s logo on it except it had an octopus instead of a mermaid.
“How may I help you?” asked the orc behind the counter as he took out an arm, placed it on the counter and started pinching it furtively.
“Nine, no, make that 8 orange mocha frappucinos.” Replied the warrior as he started looking at all the pretty mugs they had on the sale display.
“Uh, John I don’t think I have enough.” Whispered Frodo as he opened his wallet.
“What’s that you say? NO MULA? NO GREENS? NO DINERO?!” shrieked John in a scary rage. “Just give him the pigeon.” And with that he returned to the polka dot mug he had been looking at.
“There you go, ya blue-eyed munchkin.” Chirped the orc as he brought out 8 bloody looking concoctions.
“What are those?” whimpered Frodo.
“8 orange mocha frappucionos.”
“That looks like... gasp blood!” he shrieked.
“Naw, fruit juice!”
“HEY, I TAKE OFFENSE AT THAT!” exclaimed the questionable hobbit as he forgot the drinks for the moment.
“Aw, please Frodo. If the shoe fits!”
“I DON’T WEAR SHOES!!!!”
“That just underlines my point!”
“HOW THE HELL DOES IT DO THAT?!”
“Hey, if you blokes don’t pay me I’m gonna have to call my posse!” growled the orc as he picked up his evil sword looking thing.
“Frodo, give me the pigeon!” shrieked John as he grabbed for the bird.
“No!”
“GIVE IT TOOO ME!!!!”
“NEVER!!!! You’re too grabby, John!”
“PLEASE!!!”
“OK... NO WAIT!!!!! YOU SHALL NOT HAVE IT!!!”
“What are you pansies talking about?” sniffed the orc as he watched the whole pathetic scenario quite entertained.
“Don’t make me hit you!” screamed John in a girlish shrill.
“Don’t make me get invisible and hit YOU!”
“Darn, I really need one of those pigeons!” grumbled the warrior-dude as he tried to trip the small personage.
The pigeon suddenly flew out from under Frodo’s hood.
“Ohhhh, that pigeon! I gotcha ya!” exclaimed the happy orc! “ARG!!!!!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed the warrior and Frodo in a surprisingly high pitch
Authors: FIGHT SEQUENCE.... consult ...make that...CHASE SEQUENCE!!!!! But don’t worry; none of the population of Moscow was hurt in the filming of this movie, er, story.
Meanwhile back at the diner...
Meara was starting to get a tad worried over the absence of the hobbit. “Do you really think it was a good idea to let Frodo go off on his own?” she asked the Ranger.
“Erm...yes?”
Meara sighed.
She looked around the table and suddenly noticed something very suspicious... “People? Where’s John?”
“Bathroom?”
“Chasing squirrels?”
“Playing Pe Tonk?”
“I thought he said something about Orange Mocha Frappucinos.”
“He said he was going to look for Frodo,” Stephanie replied absentmindedly as she filed her nails.
“WHAT?!” Meara smacked the elf to get her attention. “WHY DID YOU NOT MENTION ANYTHING AT THE TIME?”
The elf shrugged, and everyone went back to eating their desserts.
Meara: WAIT! YOU SIMPLE-MINDED PEOPLE!
Fellowship: glance up at miffed hobbit
“We need to go look for him!” Meara implored.
“Why?” Riga asked, slurping her milkshake.
Meara narrowed her eyes. “Because... John is a crazy lunatic who talks to himself, that’s why!”
“I still don’t see how that warrants getting up to go on a man-hunt. Frodo is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.” Riga replied rationally.
“What?” exclaimed an astonished Meara “You’ve never been one to think Frodo could take care of himself before...you didn’t, by any chance, put John up--”
Ellie interrupted Meara’s near revelation. “I’ll be right back! Nobody move!” She ran out of the diner back towards the riverbank.
“Wait! Come back, Ellie! FOCUS PEOPLE!” screamed a desperate Meara.
Evil Counselor Man from out of nowhere: Meara, control the children!!!
Ten minutes later, Ellie rushed back into the restaurant.
“Where’d you go?” Cristy asked.
“To borrow Stickman’s laptop,” she replied.
“Why?”
Ellie’s eyes widened in fear. “I actually sparknoted The Fellowship of the Ring!”
Riga: Gasp!
Ellie continued, “And you know what I learned?”
“You mean by cheating instead of living your life? Your life, woman!!!!!” Riga yelled. She is an avid denouncer of Sparknotes as a study aid.
“Hey! That’s not cheating... is it?” Fiona gulped.
Elanor continued to ignore everyone’s unnecessary comments. “‘Boromir tries to convince the hobbit to turn toward the safety of Minas Tirith and not to throw the Ring away when it could be used as a weapon against Sauron. When Frodo disagrees, Boromir grows angry and is suddenly taken with an uncontrollable desire for the Ring. He leaps toward Frodo, who is forced to put the Ring on his finger and disappear!” she recited dramatically.
“Eek! Mr. Frodo!” exclaimed a terrified Meara.
“That is my line, thank you very much!” muttered Fiona angrily.
“What’s all that bit about a ring?” murmured Stephanie confusedly.
“John? Not John! He is my little spazman! He just can’t go around attacking people! THAT’S MY JOB! Takes breath BUT DON’T THINK THAT DOESN’T MAKE WHAT YOU DID ANY LESS HORRIBLE AND UNFORGIVABLE, ELANOR, BECAUSE IT DOESN’T!!” shrieked Riga hysterically.
Suddenly, the warrior-dude ran into the restaurant. “Frodo! He’s gone!” He was flushed and had bits of leaves all over his head. He was clutching Frodo’s googly-eyed glasses in his hand.
“You evil man, where’s Frodo!?!?!” Meara ran up and jumped on John, trying to hit him. The warrior-dude lifted Meara off his head and held her out at a safe distance. “He loved those glasses!” she shrieked. “How could you take them away?! Why, John, WHYYYYY??”
John looked around the room. “What? No! I just startled him and he ran away! Everyone knows he’s a pansy!”
“Liar!” she hissed vehemently.
The entire fellowship ran frantically out of the diner to search for the missing pigeon-bearer.
As they left, Riga surreptitiously passed the warrior dude a twenty and congratulated him on a job well done.
Riga: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
“Hey! You aren’t leaving until I get my tip!” the waitress cornered Meara, who hurriedly passed her a nickel. The waitress grimaced and advanced on the terrified hobbit.
“You don’t deserve anything else!” Meara declared meekly as she felt for her sword.
The waitress cracked her knuckles threateningly.
“Meep!” Meara handed over three dollars and raced out of the diner as fast as her legs would carry her.
She found the rest of the fellowship huddled in a circle in the nearby forest. She squeezed her way in and saw that they were looking through the contents of Frodo’s book bag, which John claimed the hobbit had forgotten as he ran off.
Fiona pulled out a picture of Orlando Bloom from his bag. “Oh, no! He loved this picture!”
“And he left his favorite penguin costume behind, too!” Cristy added.
They dug through the rest of the contents, until Meara pulled out a red t-shirt.
Meara: GASP! NO! NOT VIGGO!!
It seemed that in his haste, Frodo had left behind all his most beloved possessions, including his Viggo Mortensen red t-shirt that matched his high-tops.
“Something’s definitely wrong,” Stephanie said, “if he left behind all this stuff.”
Riga pulled John over. “What’d you do to him? The agreement was for you to just scare him off for a while! But what could you have done to scare him that much? He left behind his bloody penguin costume!!” Riga proceeded to explain that though she was annoyed by the fruit, she found him way too amusing to permanently dispose of for now...
John: Sorry? It’s just... he had the gel... and the pigeon... and - I didn’t mean to!! Breaks down
Authors: Aww, look, he’s repenting.
Just then, Meara grabbed Riga and they ran off deeper into the woods to look for Frodo, forcing the rest of the Fellowship to follow them.
“I feel like Nancy Drew in the Mystery of the Midlife Crisis!” Scila said happily as she skipped after Riga and Meara.
“No, not without me!!!! MR. FRODO, YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO MEAN!” Wailed Fiona as she ran towards the riverbank.
“PEOPLE WE ARE BEING ADHESIVE HERE! COME BACK!!!!! GEOFFREY WILL GIVE ME HELL FOR THIS!!!” screamed a desperate Cristy.
A little later
“Heaaaad, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Heaaaad, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Eyes and ears and nose and mouth! Heaaaad, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and ... SLAP!...Eh! That hurt! That was completely unnecessary Meara!” exclaimed Riga wildly as she was pulled through the forest by a rather agitated Brandybuck.
“CONCENTRATE, Riga! I know you had something to do with this! Where is he?” raged the angry hobbit.
“I have no idea what you are talking about. Don’t presume, Meara. It’s unladylike.”
“If you did anything!!!...I’ll...” started Meara as they turned a corner.
“You’ll wha...” gasped Riga as she too stepped into the glade and looked at the Starbucks hut.
“ ’Ello poppet!” said an eerie voice.
“Oh... dear ...God!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Meanwhile/while
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...takes breath...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” screamed a hysterical Frodo as he ran towards the river bank.
When suddenly...
“HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEE!” loud fit of frantic giggling... screech!
Unidentified speaker: OH MY GOD, IT’S BOB! HE’S DOWN THERE!”
Readers: Gasp The wenches!
Authors: None other! And just to make it more interesting, the wenches are no longer traversing on the ground. Ahem...Alec!
Alec pushed up to front: Wenches, wenches on wings!!!!!
Riga: THE FLYING HAMSTERS OF DOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Authors: For those of you, who got lost in that last narrative, the hamsters now fly, got it?! Get it! Ahem, now where were we...oh yes.
Frodo runs away ... surprising, eh?
Meanwhile/while/while
The four hobbits were surrounded by a pack of dirty, smelly orcs.
“If you pervy violators don’t go away this instant I will get my baseball bat and hit you where the sun doesn’t shine!” screamed an aggrieved Meara as she tried to pull out her wooden sword.
“They really should have given you a real one.” Whispered Riga.
“I know, a nice shiny one with filigree.”
“Would it have nice pretty runes on it?!” chirped Ellie eagerly.
Meara looked about ready to reply when she was rudely interrupted!
“Guys, let me remind you that they want to KILL US!” exclaimed a frantic Fiona as she grabbed her pans and started lunging at the orcs whack-a-mole style!
“Ten bucks says she can take ‘em all,” whispered Riga.
“Make it fifteen and we have a deal.”
But suddenly just as Fiona appeared to have the upper hand and Riga started congratulating herself on a bet well one, a gigantic, horrific, and very fake hedgehog appeared out of nowhere, dressed in a red cape with huge claws and the face of a plastic wolf.
“OH MY GOD!” screamed Ellie.
“HOLY TATERS!!” whimpered Fiona.
“A hedgehog?! All this trouble and it was a hedgehog??? Who wrote this stuff!!” gruffed Meara as she put down her sword.
“M. Night Shyalaman. He’s a pimpin’ dude, man! Very good with mysterious effect.” chirped Chris as he massaged the bruise he had just received from Fiona.
“Good Lord, those are.... scream... discombobulated Chihuahuas!!! Give some thought to your self-preservation for Pete’s sakes!” exclaimed Ellie as she ran blindly in the other direction. Once she was back in the forest she morphed into her tree self.
The menacing creature slowly started to lunge forward. Meara put out her hand in an “Ivyish” fashion just to see what it would do. Nothing happened.
“I don’t think it wants to play Patty Cake, Meara!” whispered an exasperated Riga as they started to back away.
“Well, seeing as how Mr. Frodo isn’t here, I’ll be off now. Good luck you two!” chirped Fiona as she patted the two leftovers on the back and ran like lightening toward the riverbank.
“Typical!” muttered Riga as the creature continued its approach.
“Don’t worry Riga. I saw the movie. It’s not real. It’s just Noah!” and with that Meara shakily walked up to the slumped spiky creature and reached for its face ignoring the snarls she received.
“See, it’s just a mask!” exclaimed Meara as she turned to pull off the face...
“Wow, this guy has it on tight, it’s not coming off.”
“THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S THE REAL THING!” shrieked Riga as she grabbed Meara and started running frantically through the forest with the creature coming up swiftly from behind.
Ellie: Egads! covers her eyes
“Where are we going?” gasped Meara as she was pulled through the underbrush.
“To find big people. We need protection!”
“Are we going to die?!” whimpered Meara as Riga turned a sudden corner and pushed both of them under a fallen log.
“I hope not. We’re the ‘K’ in the equation,” whispered Riga. “Get down!”
The snarling creature turned the corner and fell to the forest floor sniffing loudly as it approached the log... Riga and Meara held their breath too afraid to move...
PHHHHFFFFT TINK PHFFFTTTTTT TINK PHFFFFFTTTT TINK!
The creature suddenly slumped to the ground. Riga didn’t take any chances. She grabbed Meara and they raced toward the campsite.
“What was that?! It sounded like a stun gun,” gasped Meara as they ran up the embankment.
“It’s called a silencer, Troutsniffer,” snuffed John as he appeared next to them with a gun in hand. “I just saved you.”
“Stephanie will kill you if she sees you with that thing!” exclaimed Riga.
“At the moment, that is not one of my top priorities.”
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH “WHERE DID BOB GO? I SAW HIM JUST A MOMENT AGO!!!! COME ON MY FURRY LITTLE BLOODTHIRTSY HAMSTER, SNIFF ‘EM OUT!!!!”
Ellie: Who the hell is talking?
“It’s the wenches!” exclaimed Riga.
“Where are the others?” asked Meara as they ran back into the empty camp clearing.
“I don’t know. Cristy and the others went after you, I haven’t heard from them since.” Muttered John as he opened his pack and reloaded his gun. Suddenly, John went stock-still.
“What is it?” whispered Meara.
“Do you hear anything?” asked John as he looked furtively into the woods.
“No.” replied Riga.
“The birds stopped singing.”
Authors: This is very suspenseful!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
“THAT’S IT BOB. THERE THEY ARE. TWO OF THEM!!! AND LOOK A NICE TASTY SUNFLOWER SEED!” screamed the wench in an earsplitting shrill as she pointed dramatically at John and the hobbits.
“RUN!” screamed John as he pushed the others in front and started shooting at the flying creature and its ucky pink rider.
Meanwhile... again
“Why do they run away? Why do they always run away? I told them to stay together but noooooo, go run amuck! And I try -- sniff -- so hard to be a good leader. They told me if I do a good job with the whole Fellowship thing they will let me be king, eh queen, eh dictator. Sigh but now it’s all ruinedl because of HOBBITS!” ended Cristy in a high-pitched wail.
“Will you stop doing that? You’re not helping the situation.” exclaimed a very fed up elf.
“Oh, and you are?” asked the dwarf.
“Hey, I didn’t ask to come here...well actually I kind of did but that’s not the point...”
“And what is your point?”
“I’M NEVER GOING TO GET A SHINY CROWN!” wailed Cristy from out of nowhere interrupting their debate.
“Listen.” Started Stephanie in what she hoped was a consoling manner. “They’ve only been gone a couple of minutes. They have short legs; it’s a physical impossibility that they could have gotten very far.”
“Have you seen Frodo run when he’s being chased?” asked Scila gruffly.
“Ya, well he was disposable anyway, right? I mean at the rate he kept getting attacked it was only a matter of time.”
“Yes, but regardless he was the pigeon-bearer and as such he was entitled to ....”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Eh?” mumbled Cristy.
“That sounded like Riga and Meara. Come on!” exclaimed Stephanie.
Elsewhere at this same moment!
Authors: Just stick to Meanwhile/while/while.
Stephanie and the others approached the campsite only to find the brave John single-handedly fighting a battalion of orcs and the lead wench (who shall remain nameless). Meara and Riga were separated from the others by a large group of orcs and were trying to fight their way back to the group but it was very difficult due to the fact that NO ONE HAD ALLOWED THEM REAL SWORDS!
“John!” cried Cristy as she tried to reach the warrior-dude.
“JOHN!” someone else repeated.
But John was oblivious to the cries; the hamster was jabbing mercilessly at his sword hand and the wench’s shrieks of “IT’S A GIANT SUNFLOWER SEED!” were only confusing him.
Suddenly, an orc came up from behind and raised his sword hitting John with the blunt end and knocking him down.
“NOW!!!!!” screamed the wench in a loud shrill.
Meara: Wait! I don’t want John to die.
Authors: Sorry?
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
John fell limply to the ground and the hamster raised itself for the kill when suddenly, Patches O’Hoolahand, a mountain recluse and expert dodgeball player, ran out from behind the trees and beaned the hamster and its rider in the head causing it to swiftly turn and fly away.
Once the orcs saw what had happened they quickly started to “RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!” and Cristy and the others ran to their fallen comrade.
“They killed John,” Whimpered Cristy.
“Those bastards!”
“I’m not quite dead, yet, that is. I have enough time for my famous last line,” whispered John as he vainly tried to raise his head.
“Go ahead John,” replied Cristy as she patted him encouragingly.
“Good night, San Diego, and stay classy!”
Cristy got up and wiped her eyes, it had been a very emotional moment. Stephanie started mumbling something about insurance policies but Scila quickly interrupted.
“Where are Meara and Riga?”
The three ran toward where they had last seen the little ones (hehehehe).
“It’s Meara’s wooden sword.” Whispered Cristy as she lifted the remains of their two companions.
Riga: We’re not dead!
Authors: Sorry Bad word choice.
Ellie: I thought they were supposed to be abducted?
Riga and Meara: We were! The authors just forgot to cover that.
Authors: It’s difficult, you know. Anyway-
“No one saw that?!” asked a jumpy Stephanie as she pointed to the rattling bushes.
“So what do we do now?” asked Scila oblivious.
“Uhm, go after the orcs and save them? Started Cristy.
“Ya, but what about Frodo, Fiona and Ellie?”
“Ellie’s still a tree, right? Ya well, I guess she can just sprout roots somewhere and hang out till we come to find her. And the others are tough kids; they can take care of themselves.”
“You mean you are going to ditch the PIGEON-BEARER?!”
“Basically.”
“Alright, I got no problem with that, after you.”
Meanwhile/while/while/while/while
“Mr. Frodo?! Mr. Frodo, will you stop running away already, geesh!? I’m still supposed to look after you! You can’t avoid me! I’m clingy that way!” hollered Fiona as she ran toward the riverbank.
“Oh, there ya are. Hey, wait up! You don’t know how to sail!” yelled the gourmet hobbit as she saw Frodo attempt to move his sail into the wind and leave the dock.
Fiona grabbed two of the fellowship’s bags and slumped under the surprising weight.
“Geesh, these are heavy. Mr. Frodo what did you pack in here?!” exclaimed the trusty companion as she tossed the two bags onto the boat and crawled in after them.
Frodo had witnessed this whole episode with his mouth hanging open.
“Right, off we go.” Chirped Fiona as she turned toward the pigeon-bearer.
“What are you doing?” he finally muttered.
“Going with you.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
silence
“It’s dangerous Fiona. I’m going to Mordor, to almost certain death.”
“I know, and knowing you, several certain near death experiences as well. But I still want to help. I can cook, you know, and I have lots of rope.”
Frodo shrugged.
“Uhm, ok then. Since you have rope. Can the others come too?” he asked hopefully.
“Nah, they are occupied with other things at the moment,” stated Fiona in a dodgy voice.
Meara: You snake!
Fiona: Don’t make me mean!
Authors: It’s late, we can’t think up another ending.
Sigh “Alright then, I get the tiller.”
After a lot of rowing and walking~
Frodo and Fiona turned a corner and found themselves on top of a rocky ridge facing Mordor and their future road.
“I don’t suppose we’ll ever see them again,” mumbled Frodo in a very morose voice.
“Don’t be so negative!” chirped Fiona.
Bourne suddenly pops up from behind a boulder, cell phone in hand: You should get some sleep. You look tired....
Ellie: GASP!
Meara: Stalker!
Cue music “Dun dun doo duu doo Dun dun doo duuu doo”
Ellie and Meara: Happy Bourne Supremacy music!
Authors: That last bit didn’t make much sense... Ah, who cares?! Like anyone would suddenly expect it to?!
THE ALMOST END
Frodo: Himself
Sam: Fiona
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Aragorn: Cristy
Boromir: John
Legolas: Stephanie
Gimli: Dwarf
Treebeard/all trees in existence: Ellie
Sauron: Pigeon Boy
Orcs: The Creepy Magic Gang
By the next day, the orcs had gone off again; this due to the fact that Fiona had repeatedly threatened to burn all their solar glasses, plus (and more importantly) there being held a Magic competition in nearby Osgiliath. The Fellowship collected themselves, and presently assembled their belongings, which were scattered all over the campsite.
Meara, Riga, and Elanor were standing in a circle, staring at their precious book bags, which they feared after the attack had been damaged extensively!
“You think they’re all right?” whispered Meara worriedly.
“I dunno. Took quite a beating, didn’t they?” chuckled Riga silently.
Ellie poked the bag nervously. “Hey... you guys all right in there?”
A voice came out from the bag. “We are fine, but we would really appreciate it if you answered that question about the bathroom!”
“I’m not fine, I’ve got a bruise the size of Leith on my-”
“Don’t contradict me-”
“I wasn’t-”
“Yes, you were! I said we were fine, and then you said you weren’t, thereby contradicting-”
“I’ve still got to gooo!!” the other voice interrupted.
Meara heard a noise behind her. Glancing back sharply, she told the voices to be quiet and quickly shut the bags shoving one to Riga and placing the other on her back.
“OW! Gosh, woman! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?” protested the second voice. “Hey, you are crushing the family jewels!” he whined.
“I’VE GONE BLIND!!” screamed another voice hysterically.
“What are you guys doing?” Scila asked innocently as she came up behind them.
“Nothing! Just picking up our things!” Riga answered as she winked very COVERTLY to Ellie.
“Yeah, I mean, these orcs! So violent! We’re having a hard time finding Ellie’s review book!” Meara commented as she led the confused dwarf away from the still animate book bags.
Fiona: PERSONIFICATION!
Ellie: Huh? No, it’s not.
Fiona: It is too.
Suddenly, Mr. Frodo appeared. “Hi guys!” he waved. He was wearing shiny black tap shoes and a tuxedo, looking mysteriously like a tap-dancing... penguin.
“I thought he was mute?” muttered Meara confusedly.
“He can’t sing if he’s mute, they wouldn’t need a voice if he was.” replied Ellie tiredly.
SUDDENLY A DARK FIGURE RAN BEHIND FRODO.
“What was that!?” Riga asked.
“You mean you can’t tell what I am? I thought it was a good costume...” Frodo said, totally missing the point.
“I still don’t get it. You mean he’s deaf?” queried Meara as she turned towards Ellie.
“I highly doubt that, he always seems to respond perfectly well to threats and insults.” Replied the always-scientific Riga.
“Geesh, it’s not that important people! Let’s go put these two in the boats, Riga, we’ve got to get going,” Ellie said as she rolled her eyes at the oblivious hobbit, and she and Riga walked towards the river.
Meara and Frodo turned to each other and shrugged.
And so the dark figure was forgotten... again.
LATER...
“I’VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS! THERE THEY ARE STANDING IN A ROW! BIG ONES, SMALL ONES, SOME AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD!” The hobbits were singing loudly in unison. Well, not really in unison.
“Make them stop!!” Scila groaned as she covered her ears protectively.
“Please, you guys keep the caterwauling to a minimum. The orcs will hear us and come back. And that log thing, too...” Cristy begged uselessly.
Poor warrior-dude John sat in a corner muttering to himself and ignoring the general rabble of his companions.
“I hate that Frodo, he’s so hot right now...look at him go on his little scooter, acting all cool and stuff...bet he doesn’t even use hair gel...grumble...stupid Han-sel-o, more like Han-sel-out.”
“What’s that John?” asked Cristy threateningly.
“Nothing.”
The fellowship was making their way slowly along the Great Jared (Meara and Elanor: HONESTLY RIGA! SHUT UP!) once more and planned to reach the Falls of Rauros by the end of the day. That is, if by some stroke of luck the wenches didn’t hear the loud singing and attack, after all they like discordant noises.
Eventually, the hobbits ran out of oxygen and paused their singing to gasp for air with every intention of continuing when Cristy took this opportune moment of silence to announce that when they had reached Tol Brandir, she would be conducting a serious meeting!
Riga: Opportune moment! Yaaaaay! takes a swig from her magical time-traveling jug
Authors: glare
And so chaos was restored as Meara and Riga began their reenactment of the spectacularly cheesy Troy death scene... or something like it.
“STOP IT YOU GUYS! IT’S REALLY VERY TOUCHING!” gruffed Ellie as she stalked off towards the front of the boat to consider the movie’s emotional implications.
Meara and Riga: snort
Ellie: Hmph.
Within a few minutes however, Ellie became distracted by her new happy ELO CD shining in its pretty plastictic wrapping and started singing and dancing. “You shine your love on my life! Oooh, ooh! Clap, clap!”
The rest of the fellowship with the exception of John, who was sharpening his foil and glaring at Frodo, played DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS!
“I’m dungeon master!” shrieked Cristy.
“You always want to be the leader! You’re not the KING YET!”
Cristy: Growl
“Ask the river to DM!” exclaimed Riga enthusiastically; she was therefore promptly dumped in the river by both Ellie and Meara.
“OH, GO KISS AN ORC!” they screamed.
Chris: I’m here!
Scila and Fiona actually had to row, the poor peoples.
Time passed in this fashion for a while as they made their way down the river. In the afternoon, it started raining and a deep fog settled over the river. For the next couple of hours, the fellowship was busy attempting to stay dry and get the water out of their boats.
“Stupid, evil rain! I can’t see a thing!” Fiona wailed.
“I like the rain...” said Ellie pensively.
“Are you kidding me?” Stephanie protested, “It is destroying my hair! I paid big money for this haircut! DAMN HUMIDITY!”
“I don’t mind the rain, but this fog is not letting me see where we’re going!” replied Cristy sadly.
“I didn’t know there could be so much fog this time of day...” Meara mused.
Authors: shrug
But just then the fog started to clear and the rain soon stopped. Then the fellowship could see that they were in the middle of a ravine, with steep cliffs rising on either side of them.
“Ohhhh, I get it now, mysterious effect!” whispered Meara happily.
“It’s all about the right atmosphere.” Started Riga but she was quickly interrupted.
“Hey... what’s that up ahead?” Frodo pointed to two towering statues in the near distance.
The statues were of two strawberry twizzlers, each on either side of the river, carved out of the surrounding cliffs. Their faces of grey stone were faded, crumbling with the passing of time; their nutrition fact labels reflected the sunlight; and their swords hung at their sides. They held out their left hands, palms outward, appearing as two giant low-fat candies guarding the ancient realm of the kings.
“SCORE! TWIZZLERS!” screamed Riga and Meara as they dove into the river and made for the vending machines located nearby.
Riga: Blatant advertising!
Meara: Blataant, Riga. Like the sound a ferret makes when it falls from an exceptionally tall building.
Cristy: Grrr.
“The Argonath!” Cristy cried. “Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old... my kin...”
“They were a type of low-fat candy?” questioned Frodo suspiciously.
“Actually, the have a surprisingly large amount of sugar!” replied Riga as she crawled back into the boat and opened her bag. “Eeew, they smell nasty! But they taste great!”
Ellie, upon finding that the Twizzlers had the consistency of rubber, began to throw them at the surrounding people. “Three-dollar projectile missiles! Wheee!”
“Ahem, yes they are my kin! I said that already! Don’t be so suspicious you little energizer!” grumbled Cristy threateningly.
“Phew! I was starting to think she was just some hobo who lived in the woods!” Meara said to herself, relieved to find that the Ranger might yet become a proper leader!
The boats moved past the Argonath and into the ancient realm of Numenor. (YAAAAY!) The travelers found themselves in a calm oval lake. Grey hills stood to either side of them, and in the middle, a steep peak formed an island. Past the island, the Falls of Rauros could be heard rumbling.
“There’s Tol Brandir...” Cristy said, pointing to the island. “But for now, we’re gonna park our canoe-things on Parth Galen over on the right bank. Let’s move it, chicas! I’m hungry, and we’ve got that meeting thing to deal with.”
“Great! Does that mean we can go to the bathroom now?” exclaimed Meara’s book bag. Meara kicked it violently.
“Who said that?!” Scila looked around wildly. “Ghosts!”
“Nah, it was her.” Riga said blandly pointing to Fiona.
Authors: Snort
The members of the fellowship paddled their boats to shore and clambered out. They began to set up camp in a clearing in the woods. By the time they had settled in, night had fallen.
Later that night
“What’s for dinner?” Riga demanded.
“Erm... flapjacky cakey things?” answered Fiona, rummaging through her bag.
“I’m tired of flapjacky whatever bread! The name is too long! And it gives me a tummy ache...” whimpered Meara. She promptly stood up and started walking off into the woods.
“Where are you going?” Stephanie asked.
“To look for real food!” Meara said as she walked off. The rest of the fellowship shrugged and followed after her because, as Cristy had reminded them, they all needed to be together for that serious meeting of hers, plus they were getting a bit tired of the food as well; all that fiber is just not good for you!
“Sooo... which way do we go?” Stephanie asked.
“Sou’ sou’east,” replied Riga’s book bag.
“You should have stayed with Cristy; she protects you, father figure, if you have issues with that kind of thing.” Whispered an eerie voice into Meara’s ear.
“What? Chicken are we?! HAHA Dom stinks!” exclaimed another into Riga’s.
“Oh please, Billy’s an idiot! I am the best computer animated player ever! The more intelligent people choose me! ” retorted Meara’s.
“I’m still a better gamer!”
“Don’t jostle about so!” chirped Ellie.
“STOP THE VOICES!” screamed Scila insanely as she covered her ears!
Riga and Meara quickly nudged their bags and walked ahead.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t any real food in Parth Galen, so they were forced to settle for Johnny Rockets.
“Someone could make a killing if they started another restaurant around here,” Ellie commented as the group ignored the “Please wait to be seated” sign and entered the not-so-shiny diner.
“Yeah...” Riga agreed, “A tea store... or a smoothie stand!”
“Smoothies! That’s a good idea!” exclaimed Elanor.
“Capital!” exclaimed Fiona.
Silence
“Yes, well uhm, we could sell lots of yummy stuff like... Raspberry-cheese smoothies!”
Stephanie scowled. “Ew.”
“What are you talking about, it’s genius!” Ellie and Riga sat down at the table and started to plan out their future business endeavors.
“C’mon, what’s taking so long? Look at the waitress; she’s just standing there talking!” Meara complained.
“WE NEED OUR MENUS!” Fiona yelled, but the waitress made no sign of hearing her.
“Her tip is diminishing as we speak!” Meara said forcefully.
Cristy pointed to a jukebox at the end of the table. “Music! Anyone have five cents?”
Ellie clung protectively to her Friendship Nickel.
“Here, take some of the lady’s tip,” suggested Meara.
They put in the coin and picked out song F7: Sinatra’s “Down With Love”.
The dwarf narrowed her eyes. “I swear... if you people ever force me to see another movie like that, I’ll kill you!”
Riga shrugged. “It had happy music...”
Finally, the waitress person strolled over to their table. “What’ll it be?”
“I’ll have the patty melt... with no onions, and on white bread with tomat-” Frodo stopped when he saw that the waitress was staring off into space. “Hello? Did you hear me, I said no onions! HELLO?!”
The waitress blinked and looked back at them. “So what’ll it be?”
Frodo looked at the lady blankly.
“There goes some more of her tip...” Meara said under her breath.
Eventually the waitress had managed to focus long enough to write down all eight people’s orders.
The fellowship was sitting around chatting, when a short man with a yellow and purple velvet joker’s hat came over to their table. “Ahem... my name is James and I will be your minstrel this evening... Care for a song?” he asked as he strummed his little harp.
“I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts!” Fiona replied gleefully.
“Yes you do.” Replied Chris from nowhere.
James’s face lit up. “Down at an English fair! One evening I was there... When I heard a showman shouting underneath the flair! I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts! There they are standing in a row! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Give ‘em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that’s what the showman said!”
“Well...” said Meara, who had had enough of the horrid wafer bars, as she glanced over at the minstrel. “That is wonderful, James, but it doesn’t make up for the lack of food... where are our fries?”
“Probably for the best... it’s not good to eat junk food...” Stephanie remarked as her stomach gave an audible growl. She glanced down at her belly. “Meara’s right! WHERE ARE OUR FRIES!?”
The lady brought over a tray of fries, one of onion rings, and one of tartar sauce and walked away.
Meara grabbed a fry and dipped it in ranch tartar sauce. “Ew... that’s just disgusting...”
“Wait! Lady! Where’s our ketchup?” yelled Fiona sadly.
“Hoooooow rude!” exclaimed Meara in a Jar-Jar tone.
The lady came back with a bottle of ketchup and poured some. She walked away languidly.
“HEY!” Fiona demanded yet again. “I want a ketchup smiley face!” The waitress just kept walking.
Suddenly Meara got up to go to the bathroom but not before giving Cristy a warning
look as the ranger gave her fries yet another lustful glance.
“Guard my fries John.”
“Too late.”
“What do you mean too late?”
“Fearless leader over there just took two.”
“And you didn’t stop her!?!”
“I’m like the French!” shrug
Ellie grabbed an onion ring and started picking at the outside. Then she grabbed her ale bottle and started drunkenly complaining about unfaithful orchestral conductors. Riga looked at her and started protesting. “You always leave us the onion! Drunken wench!”
“Hiccup! And who the hell has that kind of authority anyways? Who the bloody hell is John Mauceri?! DAMN THE WORLD!” Ellie took a swig from her bottle.
Meara: This is my fifth reading of this chapter, and only now do I get who John Mauceri is!!!
Authors: Idiot!
Riga looked at Ellie sadly. “I could defenestrate you,” she suggested. Elanor gave her a big drunken hug and thanked her for being such a caring friend.
“Is anyone going to tell him to stop?” Cristy whispered, glancing over at James, who continued: “Singing roll a bowl a ball a penny a piiiiitch! Roll a bowl a ball... roll a bowl a ball...”
“Let ‘im sing! Hic” Ellie raised her bottle. “Noooobody knows the troubles I’ve seeen.... Noooobody knooows... my sorrrooooow!”
“She’s really starting to scare me.” Whispered Meara as the drunken hobbit fell unconscious into her patty melt.
“Citrus canker.”
“Oh...that explains it.”
After the fellowship had finished their dinners and the minstrel had given them his renditions of several Weird Al Yankovitch songs, Cristy announced that it was time for that serious meeting.
“Ok, chicas,” she said with an air of authority. “We’ve got to decide which way to go now. We could go with warrior-dude over to his city, or we could go over to Mordor to get rid of that hawk--”
“Pigeon!” Meara corrected her automatically as she played with her straw.
“-yeah, pigeon, or we could separate or something like that.” Cristy finished. Meara rolled her eyes.
“I don’t really know what Scott would have wanted us to do, but I figure we might as well let Frodo decide, seeing as how he’s the pigeon-bearer and all.” Cristy added with a self-assured nod.
Meara looked at the Ranger blankly. “Let... Frodo decide?” From the look on her face, Cristy might as well have suggested giving Mr. Z a hug.
Riga: Aww, I’ll hug him! Everybody needs a hug!
Everyone stared at Frodo, who was about to faint as usual. “Erm... I need time to think about this.” he suggested.
“I love Rocky Road!” sang James completely and utterly oblivious.
Frodo stood up and walked out of the diner, saying he’d be back in an hour with his decision.
John looked up hopefully from his silent reverie “You know what we all need? ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINOS!!!”
Wake me up before you go girl! Zoolander moment!
Authors: Wooohooo!
John suddenly jumped up grabbed his sword and ran out of the diner before anyone could protest, but honestly who would?!
“Well, now that that’s taken care of!” started a satisfied Cristy, and she announced that she needed to decide what she wanted for dessert.
Meara shook her head sadly and passed her a menu.
Later
It took only a few minutes of calling “FRUITCAKE! WAIT A SEC! I’M SUPPPOSED TO GO WITH YOU!” to get Frodo to return to the clearing obviously in a rather miffed mood where John was waiting by a Starbuck’s sign.
“Enough with the gay allusions! What do you want?!” gruffed the perturbed hobbit.
Meara: I love that word!
“I’m supposed to watch you. No one should go out alone. Besides I don’t have any cash, this one’s on you. Remember, Frodo, with great power comes great responsibility.” Replied the happy warrior as he patted the hobbit on the head and walked down the path.
Riga: What great power?
Authors: Wrong movie, John.
John: shrug
“What’s on me? I am not falling for that again JOHN!” screamed the foolish hobbit as he followed.
They passed through a mysteriously and suspiciously quiet clearing and turned into a shady glade (shady in both meanings of the word) and found a rather drabby looking wooden shack and a fountain with the Starbuck’s logo on it except it had an octopus instead of a mermaid.
“How may I help you?” asked the orc behind the counter as he took out an arm, placed it on the counter and started pinching it furtively.
“Nine, no, make that 8 orange mocha frappucinos.” Replied the warrior as he started looking at all the pretty mugs they had on the sale display.
“Uh, John I don’t think I have enough.” Whispered Frodo as he opened his wallet.
“What’s that you say? NO MULA? NO GREENS? NO DINERO?!” shrieked John in a scary rage. “Just give him the pigeon.” And with that he returned to the polka dot mug he had been looking at.
“There you go, ya blue-eyed munchkin.” Chirped the orc as he brought out 8 bloody looking concoctions.
“What are those?” whimpered Frodo.
“8 orange mocha frappucionos.”
“That looks like... gasp blood!” he shrieked.
“Naw, fruit juice!”
“HEY, I TAKE OFFENSE AT THAT!” exclaimed the questionable hobbit as he forgot the drinks for the moment.
“Aw, please Frodo. If the shoe fits!”
“I DON’T WEAR SHOES!!!!”
“That just underlines my point!”
“HOW THE HELL DOES IT DO THAT?!”
“Hey, if you blokes don’t pay me I’m gonna have to call my posse!” growled the orc as he picked up his evil sword looking thing.
“Frodo, give me the pigeon!” shrieked John as he grabbed for the bird.
“No!”
“GIVE IT TOOO ME!!!!”
“NEVER!!!! You’re too grabby, John!”
“PLEASE!!!”
“OK... NO WAIT!!!!! YOU SHALL NOT HAVE IT!!!”
“What are you pansies talking about?” sniffed the orc as he watched the whole pathetic scenario quite entertained.
“Don’t make me hit you!” screamed John in a girlish shrill.
“Don’t make me get invisible and hit YOU!”
“Darn, I really need one of those pigeons!” grumbled the warrior-dude as he tried to trip the small personage.
The pigeon suddenly flew out from under Frodo’s hood.
“Ohhhh, that pigeon! I gotcha ya!” exclaimed the happy orc! “ARG!!!!!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed the warrior and Frodo in a surprisingly high pitch
Authors: FIGHT SEQUENCE.... consult ...make that...CHASE SEQUENCE!!!!! But don’t worry; none of the population of Moscow was hurt in the filming of this movie, er, story.
Meanwhile back at the diner...
Meara was starting to get a tad worried over the absence of the hobbit. “Do you really think it was a good idea to let Frodo go off on his own?” she asked the Ranger.
“Erm...yes?”
Meara sighed.
She looked around the table and suddenly noticed something very suspicious... “People? Where’s John?”
“Bathroom?”
“Chasing squirrels?”
“Playing Pe Tonk?”
“I thought he said something about Orange Mocha Frappucinos.”
“He said he was going to look for Frodo,” Stephanie replied absentmindedly as she filed her nails.
“WHAT?!” Meara smacked the elf to get her attention. “WHY DID YOU NOT MENTION ANYTHING AT THE TIME?”
The elf shrugged, and everyone went back to eating their desserts.
Meara: WAIT! YOU SIMPLE-MINDED PEOPLE!
Fellowship: glance up at miffed hobbit
“We need to go look for him!” Meara implored.
“Why?” Riga asked, slurping her milkshake.
Meara narrowed her eyes. “Because... John is a crazy lunatic who talks to himself, that’s why!”
“I still don’t see how that warrants getting up to go on a man-hunt. Frodo is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.” Riga replied rationally.
“What?” exclaimed an astonished Meara “You’ve never been one to think Frodo could take care of himself before...you didn’t, by any chance, put John up--”
Ellie interrupted Meara’s near revelation. “I’ll be right back! Nobody move!” She ran out of the diner back towards the riverbank.
“Wait! Come back, Ellie! FOCUS PEOPLE!” screamed a desperate Meara.
Evil Counselor Man from out of nowhere: Meara, control the children!!!
Ten minutes later, Ellie rushed back into the restaurant.
“Where’d you go?” Cristy asked.
“To borrow Stickman’s laptop,” she replied.
“Why?”
Ellie’s eyes widened in fear. “I actually sparknoted The Fellowship of the Ring!”
Riga: Gasp!
Ellie continued, “And you know what I learned?”
“You mean by cheating instead of living your life? Your life, woman!!!!!” Riga yelled. She is an avid denouncer of Sparknotes as a study aid.
“Hey! That’s not cheating... is it?” Fiona gulped.
Elanor continued to ignore everyone’s unnecessary comments. “‘Boromir tries to convince the hobbit to turn toward the safety of Minas Tirith and not to throw the Ring away when it could be used as a weapon against Sauron. When Frodo disagrees, Boromir grows angry and is suddenly taken with an uncontrollable desire for the Ring. He leaps toward Frodo, who is forced to put the Ring on his finger and disappear!” she recited dramatically.
“Eek! Mr. Frodo!” exclaimed a terrified Meara.
“That is my line, thank you very much!” muttered Fiona angrily.
“What’s all that bit about a ring?” murmured Stephanie confusedly.
“John? Not John! He is my little spazman! He just can’t go around attacking people! THAT’S MY JOB! Takes breath BUT DON’T THINK THAT DOESN’T MAKE WHAT YOU DID ANY LESS HORRIBLE AND UNFORGIVABLE, ELANOR, BECAUSE IT DOESN’T!!” shrieked Riga hysterically.
Suddenly, the warrior-dude ran into the restaurant. “Frodo! He’s gone!” He was flushed and had bits of leaves all over his head. He was clutching Frodo’s googly-eyed glasses in his hand.
“You evil man, where’s Frodo!?!?!” Meara ran up and jumped on John, trying to hit him. The warrior-dude lifted Meara off his head and held her out at a safe distance. “He loved those glasses!” she shrieked. “How could you take them away?! Why, John, WHYYYYY??”
John looked around the room. “What? No! I just startled him and he ran away! Everyone knows he’s a pansy!”
“Liar!” she hissed vehemently.
The entire fellowship ran frantically out of the diner to search for the missing pigeon-bearer.
As they left, Riga surreptitiously passed the warrior dude a twenty and congratulated him on a job well done.
Riga: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
“Hey! You aren’t leaving until I get my tip!” the waitress cornered Meara, who hurriedly passed her a nickel. The waitress grimaced and advanced on the terrified hobbit.
“You don’t deserve anything else!” Meara declared meekly as she felt for her sword.
The waitress cracked her knuckles threateningly.
“Meep!” Meara handed over three dollars and raced out of the diner as fast as her legs would carry her.
She found the rest of the fellowship huddled in a circle in the nearby forest. She squeezed her way in and saw that they were looking through the contents of Frodo’s book bag, which John claimed the hobbit had forgotten as he ran off.
Fiona pulled out a picture of Orlando Bloom from his bag. “Oh, no! He loved this picture!”
“And he left his favorite penguin costume behind, too!” Cristy added.
They dug through the rest of the contents, until Meara pulled out a red t-shirt.
Meara: GASP! NO! NOT VIGGO!!
It seemed that in his haste, Frodo had left behind all his most beloved possessions, including his Viggo Mortensen red t-shirt that matched his high-tops.
“Something’s definitely wrong,” Stephanie said, “if he left behind all this stuff.”
Riga pulled John over. “What’d you do to him? The agreement was for you to just scare him off for a while! But what could you have done to scare him that much? He left behind his bloody penguin costume!!” Riga proceeded to explain that though she was annoyed by the fruit, she found him way too amusing to permanently dispose of for now...
John: Sorry? It’s just... he had the gel... and the pigeon... and - I didn’t mean to!! Breaks down
Authors: Aww, look, he’s repenting.
Just then, Meara grabbed Riga and they ran off deeper into the woods to look for Frodo, forcing the rest of the Fellowship to follow them.
“I feel like Nancy Drew in the Mystery of the Midlife Crisis!” Scila said happily as she skipped after Riga and Meara.
“No, not without me!!!! MR. FRODO, YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO MEAN!” Wailed Fiona as she ran towards the riverbank.
“PEOPLE WE ARE BEING ADHESIVE HERE! COME BACK!!!!! GEOFFREY WILL GIVE ME HELL FOR THIS!!!” screamed a desperate Cristy.
A little later
“Heaaaad, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Heaaaad, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Eyes and ears and nose and mouth! Heaaaad, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and ... SLAP!...Eh! That hurt! That was completely unnecessary Meara!” exclaimed Riga wildly as she was pulled through the forest by a rather agitated Brandybuck.
“CONCENTRATE, Riga! I know you had something to do with this! Where is he?” raged the angry hobbit.
“I have no idea what you are talking about. Don’t presume, Meara. It’s unladylike.”
“If you did anything!!!...I’ll...” started Meara as they turned a corner.
“You’ll wha...” gasped Riga as she too stepped into the glade and looked at the Starbucks hut.
“ ’Ello poppet!” said an eerie voice.
“Oh... dear ...God!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Meanwhile/while
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...takes breath...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” screamed a hysterical Frodo as he ran towards the river bank.
When suddenly...
“HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEE!” loud fit of frantic giggling... screech!
Unidentified speaker: OH MY GOD, IT’S BOB! HE’S DOWN THERE!”
Readers: Gasp The wenches!
Authors: None other! And just to make it more interesting, the wenches are no longer traversing on the ground. Ahem...Alec!
Alec pushed up to front: Wenches, wenches on wings!!!!!
Riga: THE FLYING HAMSTERS OF DOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Authors: For those of you, who got lost in that last narrative, the hamsters now fly, got it?! Get it! Ahem, now where were we...oh yes.
Frodo runs away ... surprising, eh?
Meanwhile/while/while
The four hobbits were surrounded by a pack of dirty, smelly orcs.
“If you pervy violators don’t go away this instant I will get my baseball bat and hit you where the sun doesn’t shine!” screamed an aggrieved Meara as she tried to pull out her wooden sword.
“They really should have given you a real one.” Whispered Riga.
“I know, a nice shiny one with filigree.”
“Would it have nice pretty runes on it?!” chirped Ellie eagerly.
Meara looked about ready to reply when she was rudely interrupted!
“Guys, let me remind you that they want to KILL US!” exclaimed a frantic Fiona as she grabbed her pans and started lunging at the orcs whack-a-mole style!
“Ten bucks says she can take ‘em all,” whispered Riga.
“Make it fifteen and we have a deal.”
But suddenly just as Fiona appeared to have the upper hand and Riga started congratulating herself on a bet well one, a gigantic, horrific, and very fake hedgehog appeared out of nowhere, dressed in a red cape with huge claws and the face of a plastic wolf.
“OH MY GOD!” screamed Ellie.
“HOLY TATERS!!” whimpered Fiona.
“A hedgehog?! All this trouble and it was a hedgehog??? Who wrote this stuff!!” gruffed Meara as she put down her sword.
“M. Night Shyalaman. He’s a pimpin’ dude, man! Very good with mysterious effect.” chirped Chris as he massaged the bruise he had just received from Fiona.
“Good Lord, those are.... scream... discombobulated Chihuahuas!!! Give some thought to your self-preservation for Pete’s sakes!” exclaimed Ellie as she ran blindly in the other direction. Once she was back in the forest she morphed into her tree self.
The menacing creature slowly started to lunge forward. Meara put out her hand in an “Ivyish” fashion just to see what it would do. Nothing happened.
“I don’t think it wants to play Patty Cake, Meara!” whispered an exasperated Riga as they started to back away.
“Well, seeing as how Mr. Frodo isn’t here, I’ll be off now. Good luck you two!” chirped Fiona as she patted the two leftovers on the back and ran like lightening toward the riverbank.
“Typical!” muttered Riga as the creature continued its approach.
“Don’t worry Riga. I saw the movie. It’s not real. It’s just Noah!” and with that Meara shakily walked up to the slumped spiky creature and reached for its face ignoring the snarls she received.
“See, it’s just a mask!” exclaimed Meara as she turned to pull off the face...
“Wow, this guy has it on tight, it’s not coming off.”
“THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S THE REAL THING!” shrieked Riga as she grabbed Meara and started running frantically through the forest with the creature coming up swiftly from behind.
Ellie: Egads! covers her eyes
“Where are we going?” gasped Meara as she was pulled through the underbrush.
“To find big people. We need protection!”
“Are we going to die?!” whimpered Meara as Riga turned a sudden corner and pushed both of them under a fallen log.
“I hope not. We’re the ‘K’ in the equation,” whispered Riga. “Get down!”
The snarling creature turned the corner and fell to the forest floor sniffing loudly as it approached the log... Riga and Meara held their breath too afraid to move...
PHHHHFFFFT TINK PHFFFTTTTTT TINK PHFFFFFTTTT TINK!
The creature suddenly slumped to the ground. Riga didn’t take any chances. She grabbed Meara and they raced toward the campsite.
“What was that?! It sounded like a stun gun,” gasped Meara as they ran up the embankment.
“It’s called a silencer, Troutsniffer,” snuffed John as he appeared next to them with a gun in hand. “I just saved you.”
“Stephanie will kill you if she sees you with that thing!” exclaimed Riga.
“At the moment, that is not one of my top priorities.”
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH “WHERE DID BOB GO? I SAW HIM JUST A MOMENT AGO!!!! COME ON MY FURRY LITTLE BLOODTHIRTSY HAMSTER, SNIFF ‘EM OUT!!!!”
Ellie: Who the hell is talking?
“It’s the wenches!” exclaimed Riga.
“Where are the others?” asked Meara as they ran back into the empty camp clearing.
“I don’t know. Cristy and the others went after you, I haven’t heard from them since.” Muttered John as he opened his pack and reloaded his gun. Suddenly, John went stock-still.
“What is it?” whispered Meara.
“Do you hear anything?” asked John as he looked furtively into the woods.
“No.” replied Riga.
“The birds stopped singing.”
Authors: This is very suspenseful!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
“THAT’S IT BOB. THERE THEY ARE. TWO OF THEM!!! AND LOOK A NICE TASTY SUNFLOWER SEED!” screamed the wench in an earsplitting shrill as she pointed dramatically at John and the hobbits.
“RUN!” screamed John as he pushed the others in front and started shooting at the flying creature and its ucky pink rider.
Meanwhile... again
“Why do they run away? Why do they always run away? I told them to stay together but noooooo, go run amuck! And I try -- sniff -- so hard to be a good leader. They told me if I do a good job with the whole Fellowship thing they will let me be king, eh queen, eh dictator. Sigh but now it’s all ruinedl because of HOBBITS!” ended Cristy in a high-pitched wail.
“Will you stop doing that? You’re not helping the situation.” exclaimed a very fed up elf.
“Oh, and you are?” asked the dwarf.
“Hey, I didn’t ask to come here...well actually I kind of did but that’s not the point...”
“And what is your point?”
“I’M NEVER GOING TO GET A SHINY CROWN!” wailed Cristy from out of nowhere interrupting their debate.
“Listen.” Started Stephanie in what she hoped was a consoling manner. “They’ve only been gone a couple of minutes. They have short legs; it’s a physical impossibility that they could have gotten very far.”
“Have you seen Frodo run when he’s being chased?” asked Scila gruffly.
“Ya, well he was disposable anyway, right? I mean at the rate he kept getting attacked it was only a matter of time.”
“Yes, but regardless he was the pigeon-bearer and as such he was entitled to ....”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Eh?” mumbled Cristy.
“That sounded like Riga and Meara. Come on!” exclaimed Stephanie.
Elsewhere at this same moment!
Authors: Just stick to Meanwhile/while/while.
Stephanie and the others approached the campsite only to find the brave John single-handedly fighting a battalion of orcs and the lead wench (who shall remain nameless). Meara and Riga were separated from the others by a large group of orcs and were trying to fight their way back to the group but it was very difficult due to the fact that NO ONE HAD ALLOWED THEM REAL SWORDS!
“John!” cried Cristy as she tried to reach the warrior-dude.
“JOHN!” someone else repeated.
But John was oblivious to the cries; the hamster was jabbing mercilessly at his sword hand and the wench’s shrieks of “IT’S A GIANT SUNFLOWER SEED!” were only confusing him.
Suddenly, an orc came up from behind and raised his sword hitting John with the blunt end and knocking him down.
“NOW!!!!!” screamed the wench in a loud shrill.
Meara: Wait! I don’t want John to die.
Authors: Sorry?
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
John fell limply to the ground and the hamster raised itself for the kill when suddenly, Patches O’Hoolahand, a mountain recluse and expert dodgeball player, ran out from behind the trees and beaned the hamster and its rider in the head causing it to swiftly turn and fly away.
Once the orcs saw what had happened they quickly started to “RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!” and Cristy and the others ran to their fallen comrade.
“They killed John,” Whimpered Cristy.
“Those bastards!”
“I’m not quite dead, yet, that is. I have enough time for my famous last line,” whispered John as he vainly tried to raise his head.
“Go ahead John,” replied Cristy as she patted him encouragingly.
“Good night, San Diego, and stay classy!”
Cristy got up and wiped her eyes, it had been a very emotional moment. Stephanie started mumbling something about insurance policies but Scila quickly interrupted.
“Where are Meara and Riga?”
The three ran toward where they had last seen the little ones (hehehehe).
“It’s Meara’s wooden sword.” Whispered Cristy as she lifted the remains of their two companions.
Riga: We’re not dead!
Authors: Sorry Bad word choice.
Ellie: I thought they were supposed to be abducted?
Riga and Meara: We were! The authors just forgot to cover that.
Authors: It’s difficult, you know. Anyway-
“No one saw that?!” asked a jumpy Stephanie as she pointed to the rattling bushes.
“So what do we do now?” asked Scila oblivious.
“Uhm, go after the orcs and save them? Started Cristy.
“Ya, but what about Frodo, Fiona and Ellie?”
“Ellie’s still a tree, right? Ya well, I guess she can just sprout roots somewhere and hang out till we come to find her. And the others are tough kids; they can take care of themselves.”
“You mean you are going to ditch the PIGEON-BEARER?!”
“Basically.”
“Alright, I got no problem with that, after you.”
Meanwhile/while/while/while/while
“Mr. Frodo?! Mr. Frodo, will you stop running away already, geesh!? I’m still supposed to look after you! You can’t avoid me! I’m clingy that way!” hollered Fiona as she ran toward the riverbank.
“Oh, there ya are. Hey, wait up! You don’t know how to sail!” yelled the gourmet hobbit as she saw Frodo attempt to move his sail into the wind and leave the dock.
Fiona grabbed two of the fellowship’s bags and slumped under the surprising weight.
“Geesh, these are heavy. Mr. Frodo what did you pack in here?!” exclaimed the trusty companion as she tossed the two bags onto the boat and crawled in after them.
Frodo had witnessed this whole episode with his mouth hanging open.
“Right, off we go.” Chirped Fiona as she turned toward the pigeon-bearer.
“What are you doing?” he finally muttered.
“Going with you.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
silence
“It’s dangerous Fiona. I’m going to Mordor, to almost certain death.”
“I know, and knowing you, several certain near death experiences as well. But I still want to help. I can cook, you know, and I have lots of rope.”
Frodo shrugged.
“Uhm, ok then. Since you have rope. Can the others come too?” he asked hopefully.
“Nah, they are occupied with other things at the moment,” stated Fiona in a dodgy voice.
Meara: You snake!
Fiona: Don’t make me mean!
Authors: It’s late, we can’t think up another ending.
Sigh “Alright then, I get the tiller.”
After a lot of rowing and walking~
Frodo and Fiona turned a corner and found themselves on top of a rocky ridge facing Mordor and their future road.
“I don’t suppose we’ll ever see them again,” mumbled Frodo in a very morose voice.
“Don’t be so negative!” chirped Fiona.
Bourne suddenly pops up from behind a boulder, cell phone in hand: You should get some sleep. You look tired....
Ellie: GASP!
Meara: Stalker!
Cue music “Dun dun doo duu doo Dun dun doo duuu doo”
Ellie and Meara: Happy Bourne Supremacy music!
Authors: That last bit didn’t make much sense... Ah, who cares?! Like anyone would suddenly expect it to?!
THE ALMOST END