Chapter 12 - Flight to the Ford
Strider- Cristy
Frodo- Himself
Sam- Fiona
Merry- Meara
Pippin- Riga
Nazgul- Wenches
Radagast the Brown- Stickman
Balrog- Meredith
Arwen- Blunt
Glorfindel- HIMSELF!
Gatekeeper- Ben
Chapter 12: Flight to the Ford
When Frodo finally awoke after his traumatizing affair with the hot pink ribbon and those scary hormonal wenches some hours later, it was to find that Cristy had tied Meara to a nearby tree in order to keep her from “disturbing the ringbearer”, while Fiona sat dejectedly at Meara’s feet weeping. Riga was still mad at Meara for being so harsh on her about the whole mutiny thing so she decided to sit closer to Frodo and eat some cheese.
Frodo sat up and asked softly, “What happened to those sexy girls with the scary ribbons?! I thought I was about to get some!”
Luckily Riga, being the closest, was the only one who heard him, which spared the life of the tree Meara was attached to, as well as the life of Fiona’s best pan.
Riga looked up from the vampire novel she was reading with one hand while she chewed a piece of Munster with the other and hissed at Frodo for interrupting. She lunged in an attempt to suck his blood, and when that failed, she subsequently glared at him with disgust.
Frodo however screamed during this entire escapade to which Fiona and Meara were oblivious. Unfortunately, like most of Mr. Frodo’s girlish screams it was hard to ignore.
“HE’S AWAKE!” shouted Meara, who tried to run over but couldn’t because of her the fact she was still tied to a tree.
Fiona quickly ran over though, and knelt by Frodo. “How are you?” she asked sweetly.
Frodo tried to reply but was interrupted by Meara’s noisy anger fits when he realized that Cristy was missing. “Where did Cristy go?” he asked finally.
Fiona answered him curtly with, “She just left! No explanation! No telling when she’ll be back! She just told us to wait here for her! Not like we can go anywhere, anyways, with Meara all tied up like that! And we can’t get her loose, either! I’ve tried so hard! But it’s a knot that hobbit fingers just can’t untie!” she lowered her voice to a barely audible whisper, “Not to mention the chain of squirrels wrapped around the rope. They have sharp teeth!” she finished as she showed him her bandaged hand.
Frodo grumbled, and decided to lie back down and try to fall asleep, these people were annoying him and he had been having a really good dream. Sadly this was not meant to be, fore Riga subsequently began to screech bloody murder, and then fainted. Meara began trembling in fright and attempted to press her ears against the tree as if to block out some discordant noise. Frodo and Fiona looked at each other both very confused....as usual. Suddenly they too heard it. As they tried to make out the words the song slowly became louder and more annoying as the singers approached.
“Factor! Its what you gotta do! Factor! Its what you gotta do! Factor! Its what you gotta do! Follow these steps so you’ve got a clue!
You’ve got to be in class To multiply the first and last Copy the terms you see Number one and number three Then find that special pair Figure out the signs they wear-“
Unfortunately (cough not!) the hobbits never heard the rest of the song, because at that exact moment they heard an even louder song coming from the other direction!
“No!” whined Fiona, “Now we will never know how to finish factoring! I’m going to FAIL!!!!!” she screamed as she put away her math notebook which she had brought out to take notes in.
Louder and louder and more off key the new singers came closer to their camp and the pathetic lyrics were distinguishable.
“We are the underused characters! Sooo. . .neglected! Burp! Sooooo unloved! Soooo saaaaaad! We are the underused characters! Lalalalalalalaaaaaa! SWIVEL THUNK!”
Just as the hobbits were planning a hurried escape into the woods leaving Cristy and a “preoccupied” Meara tied to a tree the two singing groups emerged from opposite directions into the clearing. The mad Factorers ended up being....DUN DUN DUN... OUR LOVELY ELVEN CHORUS!!!
Meara: Then who are the drunkards singing about being neglected!?
To answer Meara’s out of line question, the drunkards singing about being neglected turned out to be none other than Meredith the Balrog and Stickman the Brown Wizard, who had complained at their previous sorely lacking monologues! The two were dancing around in drunken circles, arms linked, holding bottles of rum . . . it was certainly a sight to see... but it has been known to happen before.
The underused characters finally stopped singing, and were now glaring frightfully at the Elven Chorus, who were still factoring away. . .
Suddenly, Stickman reached into his pocket and took out a lovely looking ripe apple. Riga jumped to her feet and ran over as fast as possible, but it was too late. He had already tossed the apple at the Elven Chorus, who promptly stopped singing! Riga fell to her knees and began to sob at the loss of such a pretty apple. It would not be the last time!
Stickman, meanwhile, was looking at the Elven Chorus with a murderous expression.
“GUESS AND CHECK!” he screamed, “CAN BEAT THE FACTOR SONG ANY DAY!”
Meredith the Balrog looked up and defiantly said, “Yeah!”
The Elven Chorus who were still nursing their wounds from the encounter with the wizard’s apple decided not to comment.
Fiona ran over to the two interlopers and smiled sweetly, afraid to get too close (drunk people scared her!) while Riga collected herself and stood up. Suddenly the Canadian Wannabe ran up to Stickman, slapped him hard across the face, yelled at him for wasting an apple and for getting her “bitch” drunk, then turned to Meredith and gave her a BIG hug!
Just then, Meara came up from behind everyone, angry as hell, and ran up to Stickman promptly punching him hard in the chest. “I really don’t like you!!!” she screamed, “THAT’S FOR YOUR BAD SINGING! And guess and check doesn’t work! ....I’ve tried it!”
Stickman, already drunk to the point of hallucination, fell to the floor with a loud thunk, while Meredith slapped uncoordinatedly at Riga in an attempt to pry her off. Suddenly an apple flew at Riga’s head from Frodo’s direction, and she let go of Meredith to nurse her head wounds and grab the apple!
Meredith seized this opportunity to grab her fainted cohort, swing him over her shoulders (hey there’s a reason for “Stick”man ;P) and haul him quickly away into the vegetation.
When they were gone, Fiona looked up disappointed. “You guys, I didn’t even get to be mean to him! And I wanted to, he’s evil!”
Riga looked completely miffed. “Hey! Meredith! You’re my BITCH! You can’t just run away from me!” she called but the Balrog did not respond.
Suddenly they both turned around, realizing that Meara who was supposed to be tied to a tree had just attacked the wizard dude, but obviously had somehow gotten free! Cristy had returned and she and Meara were leaning over Frodo. The ranger began touching his wounded neck and started singing Scarborough Fair.
“Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme! Ah, the wonders of herbal medicine!”
“EEW is she raping him?!” cried Fiona, abashed!
Meara looked up, frowned and replied “She’s trying to heal him!”
Riga still looked disgusted, “Why?” she asked.
After a few minutes Cristy stood up, cracked her back and said proudly, “Ok, I’ve done all I can for now. Let’s go!! Fiona! Go get that pony! And put Frodo on it, he won’t be able to walk for a while. We have to get him to Rivendell. ONWARD, CHICAS!”
And so it passed that the company moved on, Frodo pathetically not walking, and proving to be more trouble than he was worth as far as Riga and the pony were concerned.
And that was how Fiona began to worry for her new horse friend!
“Sammy! Are you mad at me?!” she asked “Its OK Sammy, soon we’ll be rid of him forever!” she replied as the pony glared angrily at the filthy baggage on it’s back.
And so it passed that Fiona and Sammy plotted Frodo’s death, and they came closer to murdering him every day. Of course, it was simply the love for her little Sammy that drove Fiona to these kinds of thoughts, plus the lack of meat from this vegan diet they were on. She never usually acted like this, and probably wouldn’t the moment that Sammy was safe and she had some meat in her.
Suddenly they were all jolted out of their crazy thoughts by a sound that caused them all to freeze in terror.
GIGGLING!!! Followed by a “Ham-ha!” from the east! The wenches were talking to each other!
“Oh, chicas, I’m scared that we might find the Last Bridge held against us when we come to it. But at least I’m comforted that we haven’t been walking on the road much, and haven’t seen anyone in our travels, so we still might be secretive!” muttered a startled Cristy.
“Secretive! What are you talking about?! We just encountered a whole bunch of annoying singers back there! And aren’t the wenches able to sense Frodo!?”
“Hush, chica! I am the experienced one here! And when I say that when we haven’t crossed anyone’s path, we haven’t! And you completely overestimate those wenches. They’re not very intuitive!” retorted Cristy.
“You make absolutely NO SENSE!” yelled Meara.
But she was quickly silenced as the sound of hooves met their ears.
Fiona screamed, “It’s the wenches!” But as the riders got closer, they saw that it wasn’t the wenches at all but BEN!! Ben with a whole bunch of wenches (but they weren’t the dangerous kind, they were just the kind who followed Ben around everywhere). There are actually quite a few of them!
Meara, Riga, and Fiona dropped everything they were carrying and ran to greet Ben. He jumped off of his horse and gave them all big hugs. Then, as quickly as he had come, he was on his way again, his wenches glaring back evilly at the hobbit girls.
Meara’s smile turned to a frown as she turned to Cristy, “What was that you were just saying about not seeing anyone else?!!!!!!”
Cristy chose to ignore her, and suddenly said, “Look! Up ahead! It’s the Last Bridge! I’ll go check to see if it’s safe, you guys wait here.” And with that she ran off into the trees.
Fiona looked confused, “Umm, I don’t see a bridge anywhere. . . is she imagining it?!”
“This wouldn’t be the first time!” muttered Meara.
The hobbits looked around unsuccessfully to see where she had gone. They just could not seem to see any bridge anywhere!
Riga, however, piped in to defend Cristy, “Of course you don’t see it yet! It’s probably hidden by the trees! Only psychic big people that can see through trees would know. . .” And she stalked off after Cristy muttering about inferior minds.
Fiona, Meara, and Frodo looked at each other, shrugged, and decided to follow Riga. They truly wanted to lose her, and wouldn’t mind ditching her and the Peruvian chick, but were afraid of what might happen if Riga and Cristy were left alone together.
By the time the hobbits found Cristy, she was walking back to them from the bridge, which was now in plain view for everyone.
“See, you guys! I told you she was psychic!” gloated Riga, as she pranced over to meet Cristy.
Cristy had her back towards them and appeared to be cuddling something in her arms. Just then, Riga saw what Cristy had and made a mad dash for it. Cristy extended a leg and kicked Riga, who fell to the floor, wounded. But the hobbit would not give up that easily.
“Give me my Blunt!!!!!!!” she yelled as she clawed at the ground to get to Cristy. Cristy ran to the other hobbits defensively, and showed them what she had found. No, it was not some massive pot head thing, and NO, Riga is not an addict!
Blunt only turned out to be the name of the sweetest little ferret who ever existed, and Riga was now sobbing in the dirt and begging to be allowed to hold him.
Cristy proudly exhibited the ferret to the hobbits, “This is Blunt the Ferret! Lord Geoffrey’s Daughter!”
Blunt sneezed, and the hobbits squealed in awe at the cuteness.
Riga looked up at them and snarled.
“He’s allergic to Frodo! Get away from my ferret you bloody bastards!!!!!"
“Ugh,” said Meara, “I think we should toss it in a compost pile and let it BURN!”
“Why burn?” asked Fiona, confused.
“Because it weighs the same as a duck!!” explained Meara solemnly, “And ducks float on water!”
“Oh I get it!” said Fiona, “....and wood floats on water, too. And you burn wood!!”
“Yes....” Said Meara kindly urging her to her conclusion. “So we should....”
“Burn EM!” exclaimed Fiona enthusiastically pointing at the ferret.
Meara smiled happily and made a grab for the ferret. “Not really...I just don’t like ferrets!”
Meara then suddenly had a coughing fit and snorted and spat and choked, and all in all, it just was not a very pretty sight.
Scila: Ewwww!
Frodo snapped out of his daydream about wenches and ferrets he had been having.
“Meara? Are you sick or something? You sound kind of diseased!” he asked.
At this Meara looked up from her phlegm filled tissue and pointed at Fiona while shooting her a look of undiluted malice.
“It was HER! That sickly, infectious, walking DISEASE BAG! She got me sick!!!!!!!!! SHEEE DID IT!”
Fiona dropped her jaw and tears welled up in her eyes. She looked incredible put off.
“Meara!! Don’t be mad at meeee!! I’m not even SICK!”
“Yeah?! Well how do explain THIS?!” Meara yelled angrily as she erupted in a fit of sneezing.
Suddenly Stickman and Meredith popped out of the bushes....AGAIN! Stickman had been mysteriously revived somehow from their past rendezvous, but Meredith was stumbling around in pain.
“Take some Lipitor, Meara,” he said, “It’s cheaper than Viagra now.”
Riga looked at Meredith in sympathy, “Biiitch! What’s wrong with you?!”
Meredith pointed at Stickman in anger.
“He threw me down a rocky hill!!” she yelled, “He called it a ‘natural abortion’!!!!!!”
Fiona looked scared, “Umm, Meredith? Why did you need an abortion?”
This is where Meredith fainted, and Stickman promptly looked around and realized he was outnumbered, and that his present companions had an unnatural amount of hostility towards pathetic wizards who impregnate balrogs and then throw them down hills.
Riga was positively furious, “What is this?!! Rape Riga’s Bitch Day?! I am so miffed!”
“Stickman!!!! I really dislike you! If I were to find you with a pencil in your eye, I would take it out, put it back in, and TWIST!!!!!!!!” screamed Meara.
“PCHEEWWWW!!!!!!” and with that she pulled out a pencil and began chasing him.
“Ok, Ok, I’m leaving!” he said running behind a bush. And with that, he left with Meredith in his arms...how perfectly adorable!
Following that strange episode, the party continued over the last Bridge, their final step towards Rivendell. They were able to make some progress, but it was, well, interesting! Cristy and Riga were locked in a never-ending battle over who got to carry Blunt. Cristy argued that he was her lover-ferret, but Riga...well Riga was just vicious! And she really loved that ferret!
Meanwhile, Meara’s malady had gotten worse, and she had taken to hiding her tissues in Fiona’s backpack when no one was looking. Fiona was still claiming she wasn’t sick, but the bag filled with dirty tissues didn’t exactly work for her case...
Frodo got to ride Sammy the pony, as usual, and if it weren’t for Sammy’s lovely talent, Frodo would have fallen off long ago. You see, the horny bastard was half-asleep the whole time, dreaming of the wenches who had brainwashed him with their ribbon of death.
Soon, they were able to see a path through the trees. Riga went up to it and looked scared, “Guys I don’t like this path!”
Meara sneezed and said, “Let’s follow it then, if Riga doesn’t like it, it must lead to something good.”
So, Cristy led the hobbits down the path, until they came to a cave. Fiona was shuddering.
“EEEEK! This place looks trollish! Trolls are insane! Let’s get out of here!”
She looked around to discover Frodo drooling all over Sammy’s shiny mane, Cristy holding Blunt close to a rock so the ferret could eat the bugs on it, and Meara and Riga missing!!!! She shrieked, partly because she was scared and partly....well mostly to wake up Frodo and keep him from tormenting her poor pony with his drool. Just then, Meara and Riga came running back in sight, terrified.
Meara: Wait...why is he drooling?!!?!?
Meara clasped her hand to her heart, panting.
“TROLLS! WE SAW TROLLS!....cough...fit of coughing.... OMG I CAN’T BREATHE!” She then collapsed to the floor with a thunk, and Riga pointed nicely in the direction they had come.
Cristy and the hobbits followed Riga to a clearing where they presently saw three very big trollish figures. They would have been terrified had it not been broad daylight and had the trolls not been covered in graffiti and silly string!
Cristy doubled over in laughter at this sight, and yelled at Meara and Riga for being so stupid.
Kiri: BAKA! BAKABAKABAKABAKA!!!!!!!!
These trolls were obviously the ones that Becca had encountered on her journey years ago, the very same she and her dwarves had written sexy scenes from slutty romance novels on. Fiona thus warned everyone not to go near them unless they wanted to be disgusted!
Fiona suddenly smiled.
“Thinking of Becca makes me want to sing something!”
And I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles To fall down at your door! Badada badada badada badada bada bada bada bada bada
Riga was dancing like crazy and smiling like a happy kitten in Geoffrey’s house!
Meara, who had just gotten her respiratory system to work again however, was still miffed about the trolls, her cold, Frodo’s stupidity, and Riga’s enthusiasm for perviness!!!!!!
“Fiona! Stop singing that, its getting old!!!!!”
Riga stuck her tongue out at Meara, who was suddenly looking curiously at Frodo.
Frodo was sitting on the pony, very alert, with his shirt pulled up over his face (much like in chapter 3!) He suddenly whispered desperately,
“I hear a horse!!”
Fiona sighed, “Mr. Frodo! I thought we’d been through this before! We aren’t scared of horses right now, we’re scared of hamsters!” she replied calmly.
Frodo coughed loudly into his shirt, and then looked around at the hobbits and Cristy, who were all staring at him with confused expressions.
“Oh....right.....” he said as he tried desperately to conserve some dignity “Why are you all staring at me!?! I didn’t say anything! I ...think I just caught something from Meara, that’s all!”
“Then why are you blushing like that?! And why are you sitting up straight?! When you should be drooling and fantasizing about getting the wenches in the sack. That’s what you’ve been doing this whole chapter!” Riga stated bluntly.
Meara looked as if she were about to kill Riga through impalement with a deck chair.
Frodo opened his mouth and was about to say something back, when all of a sudden they all heard some one shout,
“AHOY THERE! FERRET SPEAKER??!”
Cristy’s head jerked around,
“Yes?”
Standing beside a lovely purple horse appeared a very tall, very beautiful, blonde elf guy! The only normal looking elf in this entire story! He smiled, a smile that would melt Kiri to a puddle, and he said,
“Oi! My name’s Glorfindel. You all must call me by this name, and not by anything else! I’ve been replaced just one too many times! First they give my part to Legolas in the cartoon, and in the movie they give it to that slutty bint Arwen!!!! Well, not this time! In this story, Arwen does nothing more than die pathetically on that bridge where I left her!!!!! And I’ll deal with that blonde elf once he gets to Rivendell...Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! He yelled frantically pointing at the bridge they had just crossed.
“You mean this? We found it on the bridge,” replied Fiona who was holding Blunt in the air by the tail, while Cristy was being held back by Sammy, who was merely trying to protect Blunt from the greater of two evils...
Try to picture an elf (immortal, blonde, beautiful, and young looking) suddenly find out that his murderous (corrupted) plans have backfired, and decide to play it safe (commit suicide by stabbing his soul with a knife). You can’t picture this?! Go look up Oscar Wilde you illiterate fiends!! Fanfiction readers these days...grumble...
Glorfindel fell to his knees, while Blunt managed to wriggle free of Fiona’s grasp and ferreted (that’s a word!) over to him. Blunt chattered angrily at him for the whole abandon on an unfriendly bridge ordeal thing. Then the tired ferret slid over to Riga, who picked him up and cradled him. The ferret fell asleep, and hissed at anyone who got too close.
Glorfindel coming out of his daze realized who he had been compared to and yelled out, “Hey! Would you stop trying to replace me, already?! Am I such a boring character that you have to call in Dorian Gray!!!!??”
Silence...
Cristy looked disgusted, “Glorfindel! Stop indirectly insulting yourself and help us! Give me the pansy purple horse! The wenches are coming...”
Glorfindel and Frodo looked up excited, “Wenches?! Where?! Are those the hot ones?”
Meara slapped Glorfindel and then Frodo...hard.
“They are NOT hot! They are thieves!!!!!! Murderous thieves!” and turning to Frodo “I’M NOT SPEAKING TO YOU!”
Glorfindel shrugged, “As long as they aren’t hot...”
He scooped up Frodo and placed him on the purple horse.
Riga: Horny bastards...
Frodo looked happily at the clean surface to drool on, and he patted the horse affectionately.
Sammy, meanwhile, was being groomed by Fiona. That slime had done a number on his lovely smooth coat!
high-pitched giggling
“BOB!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!” screamed a horrid voice. “Come here and let us finish the job!” The wenches had come!!!!!
Frodo looked at Meara, then looked at the wenches who suddenly appeared from behind the trees, and jabbed the horse with his hairy foot! The poor horse, ran like it had never run before, and the wenches followed.
At first Frodo and the horse made good speed and the distance to the Last Bridge diminished. Suddenly however, Frodo turned around as the pink ribbon’s spell took control. Realizing that he was running away from “loose women”...he wondered if he was going mad. He tried to stop the horse and turn around, but the purple beast was much smarter than the pervy hobbit, so it continued to run until they came to the ford.
The bright purple blur ran swiftly across the water, while the many pink frilly things on hamsters stopped at the shore. In case you didn’t know, hamsters don’t swim, not even super evil ones such as these.
Stickman: Woooo! Purple and Pink! Manly colors! Go masculinity!
Meara looks up disgustedly
The lead wench looked at Frodo menacingly, then reached into her bra and pulled out a FRILLY PINK BARETTE!
She then giggled and said to Frodo,
“Come on Bob, you know you want me. All I cost is one Pigeon of Doom, but that’s just for one night. I’m not cheap, you know.”
Frodo coming out of the spell had a streak of loyalty left for Meara, so he screamed defiantly, “You shall have neither the Bird nor me!!! And maybe the reason you get no business is because you’re not cheap! You should be though! UGLY WENCH!”
The wench let out a maddened roar and charged into the water, and the other wenches followed closely behind. Before they could get all the way across, however, an incredibly huge herd of ferrets came charging at them!
But wait! They weren’t really ferrets! They were made of water!
And so it came to pass that the wenches were vanquished, and Frodo passed out, as usual...
Welcome to Rivendell...
Meara: I think I’m starting to cough up blood!...I’m dying aren’t I?
Frodo- Himself
Sam- Fiona
Merry- Meara
Pippin- Riga
Nazgul- Wenches
Radagast the Brown- Stickman
Balrog- Meredith
Arwen- Blunt
Glorfindel- HIMSELF!
Gatekeeper- Ben
Chapter 12: Flight to the Ford
When Frodo finally awoke after his traumatizing affair with the hot pink ribbon and those scary hormonal wenches some hours later, it was to find that Cristy had tied Meara to a nearby tree in order to keep her from “disturbing the ringbearer”, while Fiona sat dejectedly at Meara’s feet weeping. Riga was still mad at Meara for being so harsh on her about the whole mutiny thing so she decided to sit closer to Frodo and eat some cheese.
Frodo sat up and asked softly, “What happened to those sexy girls with the scary ribbons?! I thought I was about to get some!”
Luckily Riga, being the closest, was the only one who heard him, which spared the life of the tree Meara was attached to, as well as the life of Fiona’s best pan.
Riga looked up from the vampire novel she was reading with one hand while she chewed a piece of Munster with the other and hissed at Frodo for interrupting. She lunged in an attempt to suck his blood, and when that failed, she subsequently glared at him with disgust.
Frodo however screamed during this entire escapade to which Fiona and Meara were oblivious. Unfortunately, like most of Mr. Frodo’s girlish screams it was hard to ignore.
“HE’S AWAKE!” shouted Meara, who tried to run over but couldn’t because of her the fact she was still tied to a tree.
Fiona quickly ran over though, and knelt by Frodo. “How are you?” she asked sweetly.
Frodo tried to reply but was interrupted by Meara’s noisy anger fits when he realized that Cristy was missing. “Where did Cristy go?” he asked finally.
Fiona answered him curtly with, “She just left! No explanation! No telling when she’ll be back! She just told us to wait here for her! Not like we can go anywhere, anyways, with Meara all tied up like that! And we can’t get her loose, either! I’ve tried so hard! But it’s a knot that hobbit fingers just can’t untie!” she lowered her voice to a barely audible whisper, “Not to mention the chain of squirrels wrapped around the rope. They have sharp teeth!” she finished as she showed him her bandaged hand.
Frodo grumbled, and decided to lie back down and try to fall asleep, these people were annoying him and he had been having a really good dream. Sadly this was not meant to be, fore Riga subsequently began to screech bloody murder, and then fainted. Meara began trembling in fright and attempted to press her ears against the tree as if to block out some discordant noise. Frodo and Fiona looked at each other both very confused....as usual. Suddenly they too heard it. As they tried to make out the words the song slowly became louder and more annoying as the singers approached.
“Factor! Its what you gotta do! Factor! Its what you gotta do! Factor! Its what you gotta do! Follow these steps so you’ve got a clue!
You’ve got to be in class To multiply the first and last Copy the terms you see Number one and number three Then find that special pair Figure out the signs they wear-“
Unfortunately (cough not!) the hobbits never heard the rest of the song, because at that exact moment they heard an even louder song coming from the other direction!
“No!” whined Fiona, “Now we will never know how to finish factoring! I’m going to FAIL!!!!!” she screamed as she put away her math notebook which she had brought out to take notes in.
Louder and louder and more off key the new singers came closer to their camp and the pathetic lyrics were distinguishable.
“We are the underused characters! Sooo. . .neglected! Burp! Sooooo unloved! Soooo saaaaaad! We are the underused characters! Lalalalalalalaaaaaa! SWIVEL THUNK!”
Just as the hobbits were planning a hurried escape into the woods leaving Cristy and a “preoccupied” Meara tied to a tree the two singing groups emerged from opposite directions into the clearing. The mad Factorers ended up being....DUN DUN DUN... OUR LOVELY ELVEN CHORUS!!!
Meara: Then who are the drunkards singing about being neglected!?
To answer Meara’s out of line question, the drunkards singing about being neglected turned out to be none other than Meredith the Balrog and Stickman the Brown Wizard, who had complained at their previous sorely lacking monologues! The two were dancing around in drunken circles, arms linked, holding bottles of rum . . . it was certainly a sight to see... but it has been known to happen before.
The underused characters finally stopped singing, and were now glaring frightfully at the Elven Chorus, who were still factoring away. . .
Suddenly, Stickman reached into his pocket and took out a lovely looking ripe apple. Riga jumped to her feet and ran over as fast as possible, but it was too late. He had already tossed the apple at the Elven Chorus, who promptly stopped singing! Riga fell to her knees and began to sob at the loss of such a pretty apple. It would not be the last time!
Stickman, meanwhile, was looking at the Elven Chorus with a murderous expression.
“GUESS AND CHECK!” he screamed, “CAN BEAT THE FACTOR SONG ANY DAY!”
Meredith the Balrog looked up and defiantly said, “Yeah!”
The Elven Chorus who were still nursing their wounds from the encounter with the wizard’s apple decided not to comment.
Fiona ran over to the two interlopers and smiled sweetly, afraid to get too close (drunk people scared her!) while Riga collected herself and stood up. Suddenly the Canadian Wannabe ran up to Stickman, slapped him hard across the face, yelled at him for wasting an apple and for getting her “bitch” drunk, then turned to Meredith and gave her a BIG hug!
Just then, Meara came up from behind everyone, angry as hell, and ran up to Stickman promptly punching him hard in the chest. “I really don’t like you!!!” she screamed, “THAT’S FOR YOUR BAD SINGING! And guess and check doesn’t work! ....I’ve tried it!”
Stickman, already drunk to the point of hallucination, fell to the floor with a loud thunk, while Meredith slapped uncoordinatedly at Riga in an attempt to pry her off. Suddenly an apple flew at Riga’s head from Frodo’s direction, and she let go of Meredith to nurse her head wounds and grab the apple!
Meredith seized this opportunity to grab her fainted cohort, swing him over her shoulders (hey there’s a reason for “Stick”man ;P) and haul him quickly away into the vegetation.
When they were gone, Fiona looked up disappointed. “You guys, I didn’t even get to be mean to him! And I wanted to, he’s evil!”
Riga looked completely miffed. “Hey! Meredith! You’re my BITCH! You can’t just run away from me!” she called but the Balrog did not respond.
Suddenly they both turned around, realizing that Meara who was supposed to be tied to a tree had just attacked the wizard dude, but obviously had somehow gotten free! Cristy had returned and she and Meara were leaning over Frodo. The ranger began touching his wounded neck and started singing Scarborough Fair.
“Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme! Ah, the wonders of herbal medicine!”
“EEW is she raping him?!” cried Fiona, abashed!
Meara looked up, frowned and replied “She’s trying to heal him!”
Riga still looked disgusted, “Why?” she asked.
After a few minutes Cristy stood up, cracked her back and said proudly, “Ok, I’ve done all I can for now. Let’s go!! Fiona! Go get that pony! And put Frodo on it, he won’t be able to walk for a while. We have to get him to Rivendell. ONWARD, CHICAS!”
And so it passed that the company moved on, Frodo pathetically not walking, and proving to be more trouble than he was worth as far as Riga and the pony were concerned.
And that was how Fiona began to worry for her new horse friend!
“Sammy! Are you mad at me?!” she asked “Its OK Sammy, soon we’ll be rid of him forever!” she replied as the pony glared angrily at the filthy baggage on it’s back.
And so it passed that Fiona and Sammy plotted Frodo’s death, and they came closer to murdering him every day. Of course, it was simply the love for her little Sammy that drove Fiona to these kinds of thoughts, plus the lack of meat from this vegan diet they were on. She never usually acted like this, and probably wouldn’t the moment that Sammy was safe and she had some meat in her.
Suddenly they were all jolted out of their crazy thoughts by a sound that caused them all to freeze in terror.
GIGGLING!!! Followed by a “Ham-ha!” from the east! The wenches were talking to each other!
“Oh, chicas, I’m scared that we might find the Last Bridge held against us when we come to it. But at least I’m comforted that we haven’t been walking on the road much, and haven’t seen anyone in our travels, so we still might be secretive!” muttered a startled Cristy.
“Secretive! What are you talking about?! We just encountered a whole bunch of annoying singers back there! And aren’t the wenches able to sense Frodo!?”
“Hush, chica! I am the experienced one here! And when I say that when we haven’t crossed anyone’s path, we haven’t! And you completely overestimate those wenches. They’re not very intuitive!” retorted Cristy.
“You make absolutely NO SENSE!” yelled Meara.
But she was quickly silenced as the sound of hooves met their ears.
Fiona screamed, “It’s the wenches!” But as the riders got closer, they saw that it wasn’t the wenches at all but BEN!! Ben with a whole bunch of wenches (but they weren’t the dangerous kind, they were just the kind who followed Ben around everywhere). There are actually quite a few of them!
Meara, Riga, and Fiona dropped everything they were carrying and ran to greet Ben. He jumped off of his horse and gave them all big hugs. Then, as quickly as he had come, he was on his way again, his wenches glaring back evilly at the hobbit girls.
Meara’s smile turned to a frown as she turned to Cristy, “What was that you were just saying about not seeing anyone else?!!!!!!”
Cristy chose to ignore her, and suddenly said, “Look! Up ahead! It’s the Last Bridge! I’ll go check to see if it’s safe, you guys wait here.” And with that she ran off into the trees.
Fiona looked confused, “Umm, I don’t see a bridge anywhere. . . is she imagining it?!”
“This wouldn’t be the first time!” muttered Meara.
The hobbits looked around unsuccessfully to see where she had gone. They just could not seem to see any bridge anywhere!
Riga, however, piped in to defend Cristy, “Of course you don’t see it yet! It’s probably hidden by the trees! Only psychic big people that can see through trees would know. . .” And she stalked off after Cristy muttering about inferior minds.
Fiona, Meara, and Frodo looked at each other, shrugged, and decided to follow Riga. They truly wanted to lose her, and wouldn’t mind ditching her and the Peruvian chick, but were afraid of what might happen if Riga and Cristy were left alone together.
By the time the hobbits found Cristy, she was walking back to them from the bridge, which was now in plain view for everyone.
“See, you guys! I told you she was psychic!” gloated Riga, as she pranced over to meet Cristy.
Cristy had her back towards them and appeared to be cuddling something in her arms. Just then, Riga saw what Cristy had and made a mad dash for it. Cristy extended a leg and kicked Riga, who fell to the floor, wounded. But the hobbit would not give up that easily.
“Give me my Blunt!!!!!!!” she yelled as she clawed at the ground to get to Cristy. Cristy ran to the other hobbits defensively, and showed them what she had found. No, it was not some massive pot head thing, and NO, Riga is not an addict!
Blunt only turned out to be the name of the sweetest little ferret who ever existed, and Riga was now sobbing in the dirt and begging to be allowed to hold him.
Cristy proudly exhibited the ferret to the hobbits, “This is Blunt the Ferret! Lord Geoffrey’s Daughter!”
Blunt sneezed, and the hobbits squealed in awe at the cuteness.
Riga looked up at them and snarled.
“He’s allergic to Frodo! Get away from my ferret you bloody bastards!!!!!"
“Ugh,” said Meara, “I think we should toss it in a compost pile and let it BURN!”
“Why burn?” asked Fiona, confused.
“Because it weighs the same as a duck!!” explained Meara solemnly, “And ducks float on water!”
“Oh I get it!” said Fiona, “....and wood floats on water, too. And you burn wood!!”
“Yes....” Said Meara kindly urging her to her conclusion. “So we should....”
“Burn EM!” exclaimed Fiona enthusiastically pointing at the ferret.
Meara smiled happily and made a grab for the ferret. “Not really...I just don’t like ferrets!”
Meara then suddenly had a coughing fit and snorted and spat and choked, and all in all, it just was not a very pretty sight.
Scila: Ewwww!
Frodo snapped out of his daydream about wenches and ferrets he had been having.
“Meara? Are you sick or something? You sound kind of diseased!” he asked.
At this Meara looked up from her phlegm filled tissue and pointed at Fiona while shooting her a look of undiluted malice.
“It was HER! That sickly, infectious, walking DISEASE BAG! She got me sick!!!!!!!!! SHEEE DID IT!”
Fiona dropped her jaw and tears welled up in her eyes. She looked incredible put off.
“Meara!! Don’t be mad at meeee!! I’m not even SICK!”
“Yeah?! Well how do explain THIS?!” Meara yelled angrily as she erupted in a fit of sneezing.
Suddenly Stickman and Meredith popped out of the bushes....AGAIN! Stickman had been mysteriously revived somehow from their past rendezvous, but Meredith was stumbling around in pain.
“Take some Lipitor, Meara,” he said, “It’s cheaper than Viagra now.”
Riga looked at Meredith in sympathy, “Biiitch! What’s wrong with you?!”
Meredith pointed at Stickman in anger.
“He threw me down a rocky hill!!” she yelled, “He called it a ‘natural abortion’!!!!!!”
Fiona looked scared, “Umm, Meredith? Why did you need an abortion?”
This is where Meredith fainted, and Stickman promptly looked around and realized he was outnumbered, and that his present companions had an unnatural amount of hostility towards pathetic wizards who impregnate balrogs and then throw them down hills.
Riga was positively furious, “What is this?!! Rape Riga’s Bitch Day?! I am so miffed!”
“Stickman!!!! I really dislike you! If I were to find you with a pencil in your eye, I would take it out, put it back in, and TWIST!!!!!!!!” screamed Meara.
“PCHEEWWWW!!!!!!” and with that she pulled out a pencil and began chasing him.
“Ok, Ok, I’m leaving!” he said running behind a bush. And with that, he left with Meredith in his arms...how perfectly adorable!
Following that strange episode, the party continued over the last Bridge, their final step towards Rivendell. They were able to make some progress, but it was, well, interesting! Cristy and Riga were locked in a never-ending battle over who got to carry Blunt. Cristy argued that he was her lover-ferret, but Riga...well Riga was just vicious! And she really loved that ferret!
Meanwhile, Meara’s malady had gotten worse, and she had taken to hiding her tissues in Fiona’s backpack when no one was looking. Fiona was still claiming she wasn’t sick, but the bag filled with dirty tissues didn’t exactly work for her case...
Frodo got to ride Sammy the pony, as usual, and if it weren’t for Sammy’s lovely talent, Frodo would have fallen off long ago. You see, the horny bastard was half-asleep the whole time, dreaming of the wenches who had brainwashed him with their ribbon of death.
Soon, they were able to see a path through the trees. Riga went up to it and looked scared, “Guys I don’t like this path!”
Meara sneezed and said, “Let’s follow it then, if Riga doesn’t like it, it must lead to something good.”
So, Cristy led the hobbits down the path, until they came to a cave. Fiona was shuddering.
“EEEEK! This place looks trollish! Trolls are insane! Let’s get out of here!”
She looked around to discover Frodo drooling all over Sammy’s shiny mane, Cristy holding Blunt close to a rock so the ferret could eat the bugs on it, and Meara and Riga missing!!!! She shrieked, partly because she was scared and partly....well mostly to wake up Frodo and keep him from tormenting her poor pony with his drool. Just then, Meara and Riga came running back in sight, terrified.
Meara: Wait...why is he drooling?!!?!?
Meara clasped her hand to her heart, panting.
“TROLLS! WE SAW TROLLS!....cough...fit of coughing.... OMG I CAN’T BREATHE!” She then collapsed to the floor with a thunk, and Riga pointed nicely in the direction they had come.
Cristy and the hobbits followed Riga to a clearing where they presently saw three very big trollish figures. They would have been terrified had it not been broad daylight and had the trolls not been covered in graffiti and silly string!
Cristy doubled over in laughter at this sight, and yelled at Meara and Riga for being so stupid.
Kiri: BAKA! BAKABAKABAKABAKA!!!!!!!!
These trolls were obviously the ones that Becca had encountered on her journey years ago, the very same she and her dwarves had written sexy scenes from slutty romance novels on. Fiona thus warned everyone not to go near them unless they wanted to be disgusted!
Fiona suddenly smiled.
“Thinking of Becca makes me want to sing something!”
And I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles To fall down at your door! Badada badada badada badada bada bada bada bada bada
Riga was dancing like crazy and smiling like a happy kitten in Geoffrey’s house!
Meara, who had just gotten her respiratory system to work again however, was still miffed about the trolls, her cold, Frodo’s stupidity, and Riga’s enthusiasm for perviness!!!!!!
“Fiona! Stop singing that, its getting old!!!!!”
Riga stuck her tongue out at Meara, who was suddenly looking curiously at Frodo.
Frodo was sitting on the pony, very alert, with his shirt pulled up over his face (much like in chapter 3!) He suddenly whispered desperately,
“I hear a horse!!”
Fiona sighed, “Mr. Frodo! I thought we’d been through this before! We aren’t scared of horses right now, we’re scared of hamsters!” she replied calmly.
Frodo coughed loudly into his shirt, and then looked around at the hobbits and Cristy, who were all staring at him with confused expressions.
“Oh....right.....” he said as he tried desperately to conserve some dignity “Why are you all staring at me!?! I didn’t say anything! I ...think I just caught something from Meara, that’s all!”
“Then why are you blushing like that?! And why are you sitting up straight?! When you should be drooling and fantasizing about getting the wenches in the sack. That’s what you’ve been doing this whole chapter!” Riga stated bluntly.
Meara looked as if she were about to kill Riga through impalement with a deck chair.
Frodo opened his mouth and was about to say something back, when all of a sudden they all heard some one shout,
“AHOY THERE! FERRET SPEAKER??!”
Cristy’s head jerked around,
“Yes?”
Standing beside a lovely purple horse appeared a very tall, very beautiful, blonde elf guy! The only normal looking elf in this entire story! He smiled, a smile that would melt Kiri to a puddle, and he said,
“Oi! My name’s Glorfindel. You all must call me by this name, and not by anything else! I’ve been replaced just one too many times! First they give my part to Legolas in the cartoon, and in the movie they give it to that slutty bint Arwen!!!! Well, not this time! In this story, Arwen does nothing more than die pathetically on that bridge where I left her!!!!! And I’ll deal with that blonde elf once he gets to Rivendell...Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! He yelled frantically pointing at the bridge they had just crossed.
“You mean this? We found it on the bridge,” replied Fiona who was holding Blunt in the air by the tail, while Cristy was being held back by Sammy, who was merely trying to protect Blunt from the greater of two evils...
Try to picture an elf (immortal, blonde, beautiful, and young looking) suddenly find out that his murderous (corrupted) plans have backfired, and decide to play it safe (commit suicide by stabbing his soul with a knife). You can’t picture this?! Go look up Oscar Wilde you illiterate fiends!! Fanfiction readers these days...grumble...
Glorfindel fell to his knees, while Blunt managed to wriggle free of Fiona’s grasp and ferreted (that’s a word!) over to him. Blunt chattered angrily at him for the whole abandon on an unfriendly bridge ordeal thing. Then the tired ferret slid over to Riga, who picked him up and cradled him. The ferret fell asleep, and hissed at anyone who got too close.
Glorfindel coming out of his daze realized who he had been compared to and yelled out, “Hey! Would you stop trying to replace me, already?! Am I such a boring character that you have to call in Dorian Gray!!!!??”
Silence...
Cristy looked disgusted, “Glorfindel! Stop indirectly insulting yourself and help us! Give me the pansy purple horse! The wenches are coming...”
Glorfindel and Frodo looked up excited, “Wenches?! Where?! Are those the hot ones?”
Meara slapped Glorfindel and then Frodo...hard.
“They are NOT hot! They are thieves!!!!!! Murderous thieves!” and turning to Frodo “I’M NOT SPEAKING TO YOU!”
Glorfindel shrugged, “As long as they aren’t hot...”
He scooped up Frodo and placed him on the purple horse.
Riga: Horny bastards...
Frodo looked happily at the clean surface to drool on, and he patted the horse affectionately.
Sammy, meanwhile, was being groomed by Fiona. That slime had done a number on his lovely smooth coat!
high-pitched giggling
“BOB!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!” screamed a horrid voice. “Come here and let us finish the job!” The wenches had come!!!!!
Frodo looked at Meara, then looked at the wenches who suddenly appeared from behind the trees, and jabbed the horse with his hairy foot! The poor horse, ran like it had never run before, and the wenches followed.
At first Frodo and the horse made good speed and the distance to the Last Bridge diminished. Suddenly however, Frodo turned around as the pink ribbon’s spell took control. Realizing that he was running away from “loose women”...he wondered if he was going mad. He tried to stop the horse and turn around, but the purple beast was much smarter than the pervy hobbit, so it continued to run until they came to the ford.
The bright purple blur ran swiftly across the water, while the many pink frilly things on hamsters stopped at the shore. In case you didn’t know, hamsters don’t swim, not even super evil ones such as these.
Stickman: Woooo! Purple and Pink! Manly colors! Go masculinity!
Meara looks up disgustedly
The lead wench looked at Frodo menacingly, then reached into her bra and pulled out a FRILLY PINK BARETTE!
She then giggled and said to Frodo,
“Come on Bob, you know you want me. All I cost is one Pigeon of Doom, but that’s just for one night. I’m not cheap, you know.”
Frodo coming out of the spell had a streak of loyalty left for Meara, so he screamed defiantly, “You shall have neither the Bird nor me!!! And maybe the reason you get no business is because you’re not cheap! You should be though! UGLY WENCH!”
The wench let out a maddened roar and charged into the water, and the other wenches followed closely behind. Before they could get all the way across, however, an incredibly huge herd of ferrets came charging at them!
But wait! They weren’t really ferrets! They were made of water!
And so it came to pass that the wenches were vanquished, and Frodo passed out, as usual...
Welcome to Rivendell...
Meara: I think I’m starting to cough up blood!...I’m dying aren’t I?