Chapter 4 - A Shortcut to Mushrooms
Chapter 4: A Shortcut to Mushrooms
Frodo- Himself
Sam- Fiona
Pippin- Riga
Merry- Meara
Farmer Maggot- Zeke
Farmer’s wife- Marybeth
Farmer’s dogs (daughters)- Delilah and Stoker
With the sun shining blindingly in their eyes, Frodo and Fiona awoke the next morning after a long night of partying with the “high” elves. Still rubbing his head due to his past rendez-vous avec les mauvais arbours, Frodo sat up and looked around only to discover no trace of last night’s mad orgy except some mysterious looking blackberries and enchiladas that Fiona was eyeing dangerously.
Meara: IT WAS NOT AN ORGY YOU FIEND!
Riga: For lack of a better term.
Meara: OOHHHHHHH.... Still....
smack!
Riga slowly started to stir and rub her aching forehead as Fiona busied herself with some cheese enchiladas for their breakfast.
“Glad to see you’re awake! You’re so mean!!!! You left me all alone for....like 2 days!!!!” tear as she runs up to Riga and smothers her in an embrace.
“I want some of that!” grinned Frodo as he picked up their bags.
Riga subsequently glared at Frodo with disgust.
“Anywayz! ...I think it is time we should be heading out. It’s too bad you missed the elves last night Riga. They were soo pretty! Sooo nice!”
“So hot...” mumbled Frodo under his breath.
Riga subsequently glared at Frodo with disgust.
“Yes....well let’s go!!!!” yelled Fiona cheerfully as she put away the cooking utensils.
“Do you have any avocadoes? Cheese is good too!” piped Riga.
They continued to walk the rest of the day throughout the outskirts of Hobbiton still on the lookout for any dangerous sounding hif hiffs. By noon they had almost made it to Buckleberry Ferry and were close to Farmer Maggot’s lodging.
“One trouble after another!” exclaimed Frodo.
“What’s wrong with Ole Maggot?” asked Riga. “He’s a friend to all Bucklanders, of course he’s a terror to tresspassers and keeps ferocious daughters but after all folk down here are close to the border and have to remain on their guard.”
“I know, but all the same. I am terrified of him and his daughters! I have avoided the place all these years after my last incident here! He caught me several times tresspassing after mushrooms,” he added sheepishly.
“Well, it’s time you made it up. Old Maggot is a stout fellow if you don’t go after his mushrooms. He’s a good friend of Meara’s (though she hates the daughters) and he should be nice enough. I’ll do the talking!” said Riga.
“Great! Just what we need!” muttered Fiona.
They walked on until dusk, when Riga almost fainted after claiming to pick up the faint essence of lovely mushrooms. Knowing they must be close to the terrifying farmer and his devilish daughters, Frodo started whimpering and pulled his shirt up to cover his face.
Knowing where this would lead, Fiona grabbed him by the collar and started half dragging him to the entrance of the farm while Riga started sniffing the ground like a hound dog in search of “shrroommmmsss”.
“Why must I put up with this madness?!” Fiona complained, “Oh, I am beginning to miss Meara!”
Soon, their path began to look wider and like other people had walked on it within the past three years, which was a great improvement. Riga’s mouth also began to water, and Frodo was well on his way to becoming delirious. Suddenly, just as they were about to give up and set up camp for the night, they heard a quick rustle in the bushes behind them. Frodo fainted, Riga leaped into the air, and Fiona yelled out “They’re so mean!!”
As they quickly ducked behind some handy dandy foliage a loud hiff hiffing was perceived in the direction of the path they had just come. ‘They’re here, they’ve come!” whispered Frodo feverishly. "Oh do shut up!” muttered Riga angrily. They all gazed expectantly at the rustling bushes, thinking that at any moment a terrifying Wench would pop out and try to hug them.
Instead, a lovely middle-aged hobbit woman stepped out gracefully and began to speak with a distant look in her eyes. “What can I do for you?” When no one answered, she called to Frodo, “You there, good-looking! Come over here and let me speak to you in private.”
“NO Frodo, Meara would kill you!!!!!! Besides, she looks EVIL!” whispered Fiona.
“Well I need to talk to one of you in private.” Said the mysterious woman.
“Fine, I’ll go.” Muttered Fiona as she stepped forward bravely.
“Wait, who are you?????” asked Riga.
“Who are you, Riga Minsk? Who are we all? Don’t we all feel alien sometimes?” she continued
“Hey I never mentioned aliens!!!!!! You scare me!!!!!” screamed Riga as she shoved Fiona towards the scary women.
“Yelp!” exclaimed Fiona as the woman began to drag her into the bushes.
“NO ya wench!” screamed Riga as she threw an apple at the woman’s head. The woman amazingly ignored the apple and within moments she and Fiona had disappeared in the foliage.
Frodo fell to the ground in despair and Riga snorted as they waited for Fiona to return. They could hear some commotion in the bushes, and after a while Fiona jumped out with a smile on her face, looking dazed.
“Oh man, I don’t want to know what just happened!” muttered Frodo.
Riga subsequently glared at Frodo with disgust.
Fiona smiled and walked confidently up to Frodo and Riga. “Come on you two, this is Farmer Maggot’s wife. She’s a really nice lady, she’ll take us to his farm.”
After hearing mention of the farm, all suspicion once harbored by Riga fell away at once, replaced by dreams of succulent mushrooms. She skipped ahead as they walked, singing about how to make a mushroom pizza.
Frodo was simply terrified, though. Apart from his old fear of Farmer Maggot and his daughter’s, he was now taken over by a newfound horror of Farmer Maggot’s wife, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong with Fiona. As for Riga, he was simply disgusted with her. Caring about nothing but food, she was a bloody bottomless pit, that one!
As they came upon the cozy looking farm, the smell of roasting mushrooms was so strong, it had both Riga and Frodo in almost mindless stupors. Frodo came back to existence, though, when he heard some one a bit familiar calling his name.
“Froooodoooo...Frooodoooo!” called a female voice softly. “Frodo, come to your friend, Delilah.”
As he realized with a jolt that Delilah was there, he fell to the floor shuddering and drew his sword. He looked around and wondered where Riga had gone, because he seemed to be alone in a room with the beautiful yet absolutely terrifying Delilah. He heard some freakish laughter through the walls, and took this to mean that Riga was safe. He sighed. But suddenly, he heard a scream, and what sounded like pots and pans banging against a wall. Then, he heard the sounds of silence...and light footsteps. He turned to Delilah and spoke desperately. “Delilah! Help! I think something is seriously wrong with your mother and Fiona! And I think they just attacked Riga! I think aliens are taking over this farm!”
Delilah smiled and said inquisitively, “Are you insulting my family?” with an evil glare in her eyes.
Frodo’s fear began to get stronger. “You know, Delilah,” he said, “you can be pretty cool sometimes, this definitely NOT being one of them!...Argh I am so sleepy...need sugar!” He fumbled through his bag until he found what he was looking for: a giant Ziploc bag full to the brim with neon colored pixie sticks! “Yes!” sighed Frodo, as he eagerly tore open a purple one and hurled its contents into his mouth. Soon, after three more, his eyes were bulging, he was shaking, and laughing extremely loud.
Delilah didn’t know what in the world was happening to him, so there was a futile attempt on her part to take away his pixie sticks. As soon as she had the bag, however, Frodo hissed loudly, “My precious!” and the Pigeon of Doom flew out from under his hat and attacked Delilah. The pigeon was pecking at the pixie sticks madly until Delilah gave up and threw them into the air. One of them, opened, fell onto her face and covered her in orange sugar. She sputtered and coughed, trying to get the orange powder out of her mouth, when all of a sudden she went into convulsions and exploded. After things settled down from the blast, Frodo opened his eyes slowly and looked around. The room was filled with mushrooms! It was as if Delilah had turned into a million little mushrooms when she exploded! Frodo didn’t know why, but something told him that if he managed to do this to Delilah’s mother, everyone else would go back to normal. But did he really want them to go back to normal? He could definitely live without Riga, and Fiona, and as long as Meara was safe, he was happy. But he couldn’t be sure that Meara was safe! How far had they been able to spread this mushroom parasite?! Frodo was distracted then by the pigeon, who was waddling around in a stupor. The bird caught sight of Frodo, and suddenly made a mad dash for his ear! The pigeon was spitting mushrooms out everywhere!
“NOOOOO!” yelled Frodo, as he ran frantically from the infested pigeon and into the living room. There, he found Riga, Fiona, Farmer Zeke Maggot, and the farmer’s wife, Marybeth Maggot. He was determined to kill the wife with pixie sticks, and thought she would be nothing after that demonic daughter, Delilah. However, he was having a bit of trouble trying to decide which flavor of sugar to use. Meanwhile, the Maggots, along with Fiona and Riga, spotted him and began to move towards him. He quickly opened as many pixie sticks as possible and went for Marybeth! She screeched and turned into a giant mushroom! Frodo, who was still high on sugar, giggled. “Hehee, SHE’S A GIANT SHROOOOM!!!!!!!”
Zeke Maggot looked confused. “What are you on, child? I don’t recall selling you anything! Are you tweaking on air?!”
Frodo unleashed a huge smile, took a blue pixie stick, and yelled, “SUGAR!” Then he jabbed the pixie stick into the mushroom that was Marybeth, and watched as the mushroom turned into a fish and flopped on the ground.
Frodo looked at his friends and Farmer Maggot and saw that each one of them had spit out a tiny mushroom. Fiona dropped hers onto the floor with a shriek. Farmer Maggot carried his to a microscope and began to study it, and Riga was eyeing hers curiously.
“Mmmmmm, mushrooms...” she said as she popped it into her mouth.
Frodo slapped Riga on the head. “I went to all that trouble to save you from that mushroom, and what do you do?! You eat it!! Typical...”
Fiona looked at Frodo in disapproval. “We’re hungry! We were taken over by an alien mushroom and still haven’t had anything to eat! I would have eaten mine if it hadn’t fallen on the floor...stop being so mean to Riga. Besides, you already killed Marybeth, so these shrooms should be safe.” With that, Fiona humphed and walked into the kitchen to make dinner. With Marybeth gone, she was the only one who could cook in the house, and was eager to make use of herself.
Zeke suddenly jumped up, though, and yelled, “Fiona! Don’t use the mushrooms in anything!!!”
Curious, Fiona peeked out of the kitchen. “Huh? Are they not safe after all? For Riga’s sake, I hope they are.”
“Oh they’re safe, but WAY too valuable to be used in cooking. I could get good money for these. They’re magic mushrooms!” said Zeke excitedly.
Fiona looked worried. “Aren’t those the ones that cause hallucination?” she asked.
Zeke smiled mischievously. “Ohhh yeah!”
Frodo suddenly burst out laughing as Riga had picked up the fish that used to be Marybeth the Mushroom, and was dancing the tango with it.
Zeke laughed. “No, Marybeth never was much of a dancer!” he said.
Annoyed by the fact that she couldn’t have mushrooms for dinner, Fiona grabbed the fish from Riga and took it into the kitchen. “Well if we can’t have mushrooms, we’ll just have to make do with salmon. Oh! Maybe I could make sushi! Do you guys think she’s fresh enough?”
Riga was now lying on the floor trying to make a snow angel, but she still comprehended and said, “Fresh fresh fish...SNOW!”
Fiona muttered, “Fine!” and stomped into the kitchen.
After eating dinner, Frodo, Fiona, and a still mildly hallucinating Riga said their good-byes to Zeke and Stoker, his daughter. The Maggots were a little upset with losing Delilah, but decided that it was better without her as she was just a big bitch anyways.
Zeke suddenly remembered something and handed Frodo a large covered basket. “Now don’t open that until you find Meara, that way all you hobbits can celebrate together.”
“Thank you for everything, and I guess I’m sorry about killing your daughter and wife,” said Frodo apologetically.
The three hobbits left, after Frodo and Fiona managed to pry Riga away from the kitten she was dressing up and having tea with.
Fiona grumbled, “Man, those mushrooms were strong!”
Suddenly Meara appeared with the cart and baggage. “Huh? What mushrooms? You haven’t been to see Farmer Maggot, have you? I heard some strange things were happening there.”
Frodo was so excited to see Meara that he jumped into her arms, causing the basket he’d been given to fall to the floor, and some of its contents spilled out. “Long story,” he said. “Oh! Mushrooms! He gave me mushrooms!” But Riga was already crouched down on the floor shoveling the mushrooms into her mouth...
Frodo- Himself
Sam- Fiona
Pippin- Riga
Merry- Meara
Farmer Maggot- Zeke
Farmer’s wife- Marybeth
Farmer’s dogs (daughters)- Delilah and Stoker
With the sun shining blindingly in their eyes, Frodo and Fiona awoke the next morning after a long night of partying with the “high” elves. Still rubbing his head due to his past rendez-vous avec les mauvais arbours, Frodo sat up and looked around only to discover no trace of last night’s mad orgy except some mysterious looking blackberries and enchiladas that Fiona was eyeing dangerously.
Meara: IT WAS NOT AN ORGY YOU FIEND!
Riga: For lack of a better term.
Meara: OOHHHHHHH.... Still....
smack!
Riga slowly started to stir and rub her aching forehead as Fiona busied herself with some cheese enchiladas for their breakfast.
“Glad to see you’re awake! You’re so mean!!!! You left me all alone for....like 2 days!!!!” tear as she runs up to Riga and smothers her in an embrace.
“I want some of that!” grinned Frodo as he picked up their bags.
Riga subsequently glared at Frodo with disgust.
“Anywayz! ...I think it is time we should be heading out. It’s too bad you missed the elves last night Riga. They were soo pretty! Sooo nice!”
“So hot...” mumbled Frodo under his breath.
Riga subsequently glared at Frodo with disgust.
“Yes....well let’s go!!!!” yelled Fiona cheerfully as she put away the cooking utensils.
“Do you have any avocadoes? Cheese is good too!” piped Riga.
They continued to walk the rest of the day throughout the outskirts of Hobbiton still on the lookout for any dangerous sounding hif hiffs. By noon they had almost made it to Buckleberry Ferry and were close to Farmer Maggot’s lodging.
“One trouble after another!” exclaimed Frodo.
“What’s wrong with Ole Maggot?” asked Riga. “He’s a friend to all Bucklanders, of course he’s a terror to tresspassers and keeps ferocious daughters but after all folk down here are close to the border and have to remain on their guard.”
“I know, but all the same. I am terrified of him and his daughters! I have avoided the place all these years after my last incident here! He caught me several times tresspassing after mushrooms,” he added sheepishly.
“Well, it’s time you made it up. Old Maggot is a stout fellow if you don’t go after his mushrooms. He’s a good friend of Meara’s (though she hates the daughters) and he should be nice enough. I’ll do the talking!” said Riga.
“Great! Just what we need!” muttered Fiona.
They walked on until dusk, when Riga almost fainted after claiming to pick up the faint essence of lovely mushrooms. Knowing they must be close to the terrifying farmer and his devilish daughters, Frodo started whimpering and pulled his shirt up to cover his face.
Knowing where this would lead, Fiona grabbed him by the collar and started half dragging him to the entrance of the farm while Riga started sniffing the ground like a hound dog in search of “shrroommmmsss”.
“Why must I put up with this madness?!” Fiona complained, “Oh, I am beginning to miss Meara!”
Soon, their path began to look wider and like other people had walked on it within the past three years, which was a great improvement. Riga’s mouth also began to water, and Frodo was well on his way to becoming delirious. Suddenly, just as they were about to give up and set up camp for the night, they heard a quick rustle in the bushes behind them. Frodo fainted, Riga leaped into the air, and Fiona yelled out “They’re so mean!!”
As they quickly ducked behind some handy dandy foliage a loud hiff hiffing was perceived in the direction of the path they had just come. ‘They’re here, they’ve come!” whispered Frodo feverishly. "Oh do shut up!” muttered Riga angrily. They all gazed expectantly at the rustling bushes, thinking that at any moment a terrifying Wench would pop out and try to hug them.
Instead, a lovely middle-aged hobbit woman stepped out gracefully and began to speak with a distant look in her eyes. “What can I do for you?” When no one answered, she called to Frodo, “You there, good-looking! Come over here and let me speak to you in private.”
“NO Frodo, Meara would kill you!!!!!! Besides, she looks EVIL!” whispered Fiona.
“Well I need to talk to one of you in private.” Said the mysterious woman.
“Fine, I’ll go.” Muttered Fiona as she stepped forward bravely.
“Wait, who are you?????” asked Riga.
“Who are you, Riga Minsk? Who are we all? Don’t we all feel alien sometimes?” she continued
“Hey I never mentioned aliens!!!!!! You scare me!!!!!” screamed Riga as she shoved Fiona towards the scary women.
“Yelp!” exclaimed Fiona as the woman began to drag her into the bushes.
“NO ya wench!” screamed Riga as she threw an apple at the woman’s head. The woman amazingly ignored the apple and within moments she and Fiona had disappeared in the foliage.
Frodo fell to the ground in despair and Riga snorted as they waited for Fiona to return. They could hear some commotion in the bushes, and after a while Fiona jumped out with a smile on her face, looking dazed.
“Oh man, I don’t want to know what just happened!” muttered Frodo.
Riga subsequently glared at Frodo with disgust.
Fiona smiled and walked confidently up to Frodo and Riga. “Come on you two, this is Farmer Maggot’s wife. She’s a really nice lady, she’ll take us to his farm.”
After hearing mention of the farm, all suspicion once harbored by Riga fell away at once, replaced by dreams of succulent mushrooms. She skipped ahead as they walked, singing about how to make a mushroom pizza.
Frodo was simply terrified, though. Apart from his old fear of Farmer Maggot and his daughter’s, he was now taken over by a newfound horror of Farmer Maggot’s wife, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong with Fiona. As for Riga, he was simply disgusted with her. Caring about nothing but food, she was a bloody bottomless pit, that one!
As they came upon the cozy looking farm, the smell of roasting mushrooms was so strong, it had both Riga and Frodo in almost mindless stupors. Frodo came back to existence, though, when he heard some one a bit familiar calling his name.
“Froooodoooo...Frooodoooo!” called a female voice softly. “Frodo, come to your friend, Delilah.”
As he realized with a jolt that Delilah was there, he fell to the floor shuddering and drew his sword. He looked around and wondered where Riga had gone, because he seemed to be alone in a room with the beautiful yet absolutely terrifying Delilah. He heard some freakish laughter through the walls, and took this to mean that Riga was safe. He sighed. But suddenly, he heard a scream, and what sounded like pots and pans banging against a wall. Then, he heard the sounds of silence...and light footsteps. He turned to Delilah and spoke desperately. “Delilah! Help! I think something is seriously wrong with your mother and Fiona! And I think they just attacked Riga! I think aliens are taking over this farm!”
Delilah smiled and said inquisitively, “Are you insulting my family?” with an evil glare in her eyes.
Frodo’s fear began to get stronger. “You know, Delilah,” he said, “you can be pretty cool sometimes, this definitely NOT being one of them!...Argh I am so sleepy...need sugar!” He fumbled through his bag until he found what he was looking for: a giant Ziploc bag full to the brim with neon colored pixie sticks! “Yes!” sighed Frodo, as he eagerly tore open a purple one and hurled its contents into his mouth. Soon, after three more, his eyes were bulging, he was shaking, and laughing extremely loud.
Delilah didn’t know what in the world was happening to him, so there was a futile attempt on her part to take away his pixie sticks. As soon as she had the bag, however, Frodo hissed loudly, “My precious!” and the Pigeon of Doom flew out from under his hat and attacked Delilah. The pigeon was pecking at the pixie sticks madly until Delilah gave up and threw them into the air. One of them, opened, fell onto her face and covered her in orange sugar. She sputtered and coughed, trying to get the orange powder out of her mouth, when all of a sudden she went into convulsions and exploded. After things settled down from the blast, Frodo opened his eyes slowly and looked around. The room was filled with mushrooms! It was as if Delilah had turned into a million little mushrooms when she exploded! Frodo didn’t know why, but something told him that if he managed to do this to Delilah’s mother, everyone else would go back to normal. But did he really want them to go back to normal? He could definitely live without Riga, and Fiona, and as long as Meara was safe, he was happy. But he couldn’t be sure that Meara was safe! How far had they been able to spread this mushroom parasite?! Frodo was distracted then by the pigeon, who was waddling around in a stupor. The bird caught sight of Frodo, and suddenly made a mad dash for his ear! The pigeon was spitting mushrooms out everywhere!
“NOOOOO!” yelled Frodo, as he ran frantically from the infested pigeon and into the living room. There, he found Riga, Fiona, Farmer Zeke Maggot, and the farmer’s wife, Marybeth Maggot. He was determined to kill the wife with pixie sticks, and thought she would be nothing after that demonic daughter, Delilah. However, he was having a bit of trouble trying to decide which flavor of sugar to use. Meanwhile, the Maggots, along with Fiona and Riga, spotted him and began to move towards him. He quickly opened as many pixie sticks as possible and went for Marybeth! She screeched and turned into a giant mushroom! Frodo, who was still high on sugar, giggled. “Hehee, SHE’S A GIANT SHROOOOM!!!!!!!”
Zeke Maggot looked confused. “What are you on, child? I don’t recall selling you anything! Are you tweaking on air?!”
Frodo unleashed a huge smile, took a blue pixie stick, and yelled, “SUGAR!” Then he jabbed the pixie stick into the mushroom that was Marybeth, and watched as the mushroom turned into a fish and flopped on the ground.
Frodo looked at his friends and Farmer Maggot and saw that each one of them had spit out a tiny mushroom. Fiona dropped hers onto the floor with a shriek. Farmer Maggot carried his to a microscope and began to study it, and Riga was eyeing hers curiously.
“Mmmmmm, mushrooms...” she said as she popped it into her mouth.
Frodo slapped Riga on the head. “I went to all that trouble to save you from that mushroom, and what do you do?! You eat it!! Typical...”
Fiona looked at Frodo in disapproval. “We’re hungry! We were taken over by an alien mushroom and still haven’t had anything to eat! I would have eaten mine if it hadn’t fallen on the floor...stop being so mean to Riga. Besides, you already killed Marybeth, so these shrooms should be safe.” With that, Fiona humphed and walked into the kitchen to make dinner. With Marybeth gone, she was the only one who could cook in the house, and was eager to make use of herself.
Zeke suddenly jumped up, though, and yelled, “Fiona! Don’t use the mushrooms in anything!!!”
Curious, Fiona peeked out of the kitchen. “Huh? Are they not safe after all? For Riga’s sake, I hope they are.”
“Oh they’re safe, but WAY too valuable to be used in cooking. I could get good money for these. They’re magic mushrooms!” said Zeke excitedly.
Fiona looked worried. “Aren’t those the ones that cause hallucination?” she asked.
Zeke smiled mischievously. “Ohhh yeah!”
Frodo suddenly burst out laughing as Riga had picked up the fish that used to be Marybeth the Mushroom, and was dancing the tango with it.
Zeke laughed. “No, Marybeth never was much of a dancer!” he said.
Annoyed by the fact that she couldn’t have mushrooms for dinner, Fiona grabbed the fish from Riga and took it into the kitchen. “Well if we can’t have mushrooms, we’ll just have to make do with salmon. Oh! Maybe I could make sushi! Do you guys think she’s fresh enough?”
Riga was now lying on the floor trying to make a snow angel, but she still comprehended and said, “Fresh fresh fish...SNOW!”
Fiona muttered, “Fine!” and stomped into the kitchen.
After eating dinner, Frodo, Fiona, and a still mildly hallucinating Riga said their good-byes to Zeke and Stoker, his daughter. The Maggots were a little upset with losing Delilah, but decided that it was better without her as she was just a big bitch anyways.
Zeke suddenly remembered something and handed Frodo a large covered basket. “Now don’t open that until you find Meara, that way all you hobbits can celebrate together.”
“Thank you for everything, and I guess I’m sorry about killing your daughter and wife,” said Frodo apologetically.
The three hobbits left, after Frodo and Fiona managed to pry Riga away from the kitten she was dressing up and having tea with.
Fiona grumbled, “Man, those mushrooms were strong!”
Suddenly Meara appeared with the cart and baggage. “Huh? What mushrooms? You haven’t been to see Farmer Maggot, have you? I heard some strange things were happening there.”
Frodo was so excited to see Meara that he jumped into her arms, causing the basket he’d been given to fall to the floor, and some of its contents spilled out. “Long story,” he said. “Oh! Mushrooms! He gave me mushrooms!” But Riga was already crouched down on the floor shoveling the mushrooms into her mouth...