Update on my dismal life
Been a while since my last update so I'll fill you all in on what I've been up to. Please continue to read and maybe comment if you have the time or want to put your two cents in.
Since my last blog entry I've been doing nothing that has been proactive. I have yet to find a job because I don't even bother to go out and look for one. I've reverted to being just a full-time student with no job and I don't like it at all. I'm living off allowance that I'm ashamed to even be getting because, lets be frank here, I'm 21 years old. At this point in my life I should be making my own money and maybe contributing to paying off some bills here and there. Unfortunately I am not, rather my parents are paying for water that we all use, gas that heats my room more than others, electricity, which 60% of the bill comes from the computers in my room being on 24/7, and cellphone, which my dad decided to pay for reluctantly. I know my parents are spoiling my siblings and I but considering that I'm the youngest of 3 children, I think thats really embarrassing and I'm ashamed at how my family is at the moment. My dad's getting older as each year passes and that doesn't help with the workload that he does. My mom doesn't make much either but she works herself so hard so we can live this faux luxury.
This spring semester, I must admit, has been hard as hell on me. I feel like a retard this semester for some odd reason. I skipped a lot of classes in the first month of classes and I feel like I'm paying for it now that there's only a couple of weeks left in the semester. My grades have not been as hot as I want them to be and this won't look good if I don't kick-start that fire under my ass. I think the thing that bothers me the most about how school's turned out this semester is that I did this to myself, you know. I lack discipline and motivation to do things in school, maybe even in life, and the fact that it takes "on the edge" situations like almost flunking all my classes or anything on the edge to make me work is not something I should be even practicing. I need some kind of reason for me to keep up outstanding work and diligence because if I just wait around like I'm doing, I don't think I'll ever get anywhere in life.
Lately my weight has been a serious issue that I have been neglecting. Two years ago I had finally squashed all qualms I had about my body, that I finally learned to like who I was on the outside. Since then I've gained 50lbs, which is really unhealthy and not good at all, and I'm fearing for myself because it seems as though I can't control myself. I'm always sleeping late, sometimes can't even sleep because this fat is just bothering me. Clothes don't fit well and it makes me feel like I've fucked up. My health has definitely deteriorated and its not even from smoking or drinking, which I don't do either. This unhealthy lifestyle I have really bums me out and no matter how many times I try to resolve something and plan stuff out, execution becomes a huge step that I can't seem to even put a foot on. Motivation is the key, Inspiration, something that will touch you into making an effort. That's what they all say. Maybe I haven't found that umph that I'm looking for. Perhaps that's why I'm not motivated. I don't know. I really feel like I need some help from someone, some guidance in this mess thats become of me. I don't want to die young or get diabetes or other fat related problems.
Life itself hasn't been all to great either. As I mentioned before, I don't have a job. I think the reason for this is because of many things:
1. I lack confidence in myself. (Attributed to physical and mental image I've built of myself)
2. I might have a social phobia. (Some should already know that when it comes to meeting new people, I'm the shyest person in the room. I put shyguys from mario to shame.)
I always feel like I can't get anything because I don't even try to look at all the possibilities. Its like a shelf. There might be something tempting and great on that top shelf, but I've only been settling on that middle and lower shelf I can reach, never trying to even touch what's above.
My grandfather is in the hospital, which I can't believe. My mom said he woke up in the morning and just fell on the floor. Apparently when he was rushed to the hospital, there was a buildup of fluids in his brain and they had to drill holes in his head to relieve the pressure brought on by the fluid's buildup. I'm relieved that he didn't die at his home, but now its his battle in the hospital. The doctor's say he's got to cough the fluids in his lungs out also since the backup had done that. It's all on him and even though we're suppose to lend moral support to him, I don't feel like I need to or know how to. I don't know whats wrong with me. Kinship is suppose to be big in Asian culture, but how do you support someone you hardly ever saw or spent time with? The blood might be there but if memories don't exist, is there really a connection?
I got problems and I hope there will be solutions soon because I don't think these should be lingered upon too long. Its so late in the night that I can't even sleep because I have an early class and I know if I tried, I'd be tossing and turning and thinking too much to get any sort of rest. I might as well stay up all night for today and try to get sleep later for Tuesday. sigh.
Since my last blog entry I've been doing nothing that has been proactive. I have yet to find a job because I don't even bother to go out and look for one. I've reverted to being just a full-time student with no job and I don't like it at all. I'm living off allowance that I'm ashamed to even be getting because, lets be frank here, I'm 21 years old. At this point in my life I should be making my own money and maybe contributing to paying off some bills here and there. Unfortunately I am not, rather my parents are paying for water that we all use, gas that heats my room more than others, electricity, which 60% of the bill comes from the computers in my room being on 24/7, and cellphone, which my dad decided to pay for reluctantly. I know my parents are spoiling my siblings and I but considering that I'm the youngest of 3 children, I think thats really embarrassing and I'm ashamed at how my family is at the moment. My dad's getting older as each year passes and that doesn't help with the workload that he does. My mom doesn't make much either but she works herself so hard so we can live this faux luxury.
This spring semester, I must admit, has been hard as hell on me. I feel like a retard this semester for some odd reason. I skipped a lot of classes in the first month of classes and I feel like I'm paying for it now that there's only a couple of weeks left in the semester. My grades have not been as hot as I want them to be and this won't look good if I don't kick-start that fire under my ass. I think the thing that bothers me the most about how school's turned out this semester is that I did this to myself, you know. I lack discipline and motivation to do things in school, maybe even in life, and the fact that it takes "on the edge" situations like almost flunking all my classes or anything on the edge to make me work is not something I should be even practicing. I need some kind of reason for me to keep up outstanding work and diligence because if I just wait around like I'm doing, I don't think I'll ever get anywhere in life.
Lately my weight has been a serious issue that I have been neglecting. Two years ago I had finally squashed all qualms I had about my body, that I finally learned to like who I was on the outside. Since then I've gained 50lbs, which is really unhealthy and not good at all, and I'm fearing for myself because it seems as though I can't control myself. I'm always sleeping late, sometimes can't even sleep because this fat is just bothering me. Clothes don't fit well and it makes me feel like I've fucked up. My health has definitely deteriorated and its not even from smoking or drinking, which I don't do either. This unhealthy lifestyle I have really bums me out and no matter how many times I try to resolve something and plan stuff out, execution becomes a huge step that I can't seem to even put a foot on. Motivation is the key, Inspiration, something that will touch you into making an effort. That's what they all say. Maybe I haven't found that umph that I'm looking for. Perhaps that's why I'm not motivated. I don't know. I really feel like I need some help from someone, some guidance in this mess thats become of me. I don't want to die young or get diabetes or other fat related problems.
Life itself hasn't been all to great either. As I mentioned before, I don't have a job. I think the reason for this is because of many things:
1. I lack confidence in myself. (Attributed to physical and mental image I've built of myself)
2. I might have a social phobia. (Some should already know that when it comes to meeting new people, I'm the shyest person in the room. I put shyguys from mario to shame.)
I always feel like I can't get anything because I don't even try to look at all the possibilities. Its like a shelf. There might be something tempting and great on that top shelf, but I've only been settling on that middle and lower shelf I can reach, never trying to even touch what's above.
My grandfather is in the hospital, which I can't believe. My mom said he woke up in the morning and just fell on the floor. Apparently when he was rushed to the hospital, there was a buildup of fluids in his brain and they had to drill holes in his head to relieve the pressure brought on by the fluid's buildup. I'm relieved that he didn't die at his home, but now its his battle in the hospital. The doctor's say he's got to cough the fluids in his lungs out also since the backup had done that. It's all on him and even though we're suppose to lend moral support to him, I don't feel like I need to or know how to. I don't know whats wrong with me. Kinship is suppose to be big in Asian culture, but how do you support someone you hardly ever saw or spent time with? The blood might be there but if memories don't exist, is there really a connection?
I got problems and I hope there will be solutions soon because I don't think these should be lingered upon too long. Its so late in the night that I can't even sleep because I have an early class and I know if I tried, I'd be tossing and turning and thinking too much to get any sort of rest. I might as well stay up all night for today and try to get sleep later for Tuesday. sigh.