Life Unedited
First off, I want to apologize to Derek and Scott for being so grumpy and depressed lately. I also want to thank you guys for loving me anyway and sticking by my side. There is a lot going on in my life, and I am not quite sure how to deal with it all. Usually I keep it all bottled up inside, but not today. I am just going to say everything I have been thinking about, and if somebody has a problem with that then I am telling them now…STOP READING MY GODDAMNED JOURNAL!
I am still not completely over Rob. Every day he hurts me more and more. I can’t believe he is accusing me of using him. He said he still wanted to be friends, so I was making an effort. I didn’t ask him to buy me things all the time. In fact, I specifically asked him to STOP doing that. I tried to make time for him. Maybe I came off like I wanted him back. Maybe I did want him back; maybe I didn’t. I was so confused at that time that I didn’t know what I wanted. And I never asked for Derek to come into my life. I never asked to fall in love again. But things happen. And I am much better off with Derek anyway. At least he doesn’t hit me with pool cues. At least he doesn’t ignore me and yell at me when I talk to him because he’s too busy playing some stupid computer game. At least he doesn’t lie to me. And at least he respects my privacy and DOESN’T READ MY DIARY. I still can’t believe you did that to me. I should have called the cops. After all, you did go in my house when nobody was home. I am allowed to have a life separate from you and I don’t have to tell you about it. The reason I lied is because you didn’t need to know. I didn’t want you to know. And you should have respected that. I am sure there are plenty of things you never told me. And I KNOW there are plenty of things you lied to me about. Throughout our entire relationship you lied to me, I was just to naïve to know it. But now I do and it angers me, frustrates me, and tears me apart. Stop blaming everything bad that happens on me. It’s your fault too.
Me and Derek have been going through a little turbulence lately, but it’s mostly my fault. I just have too much on my mind. That’s why I am writing all this down. I shouldn’t have to bottle everything up just because certain people may become angry or offended by what I say. Life is unedited and, so why do I have to edit my journal? Other than a few little arguments though, Derek and I are doing great. He just makes every day so great. There is so much I love about him that I couldn’t list it all if I tried. He treats me like I am a queen. No matter how I feel, he can almost always make me smile. Even if I don’t want to. I just wish I was more adventurous and daring, but he says he’ll crack my shell one of these days. He is so patient with me. He never makes me feel stupid either, even when I mess up. And those of you that know me know I am clumsy, so I mess up a lot.
I am not mad at Scott anymore. He still smokes, but he respects how I feel about smoking. He doesn’t smoke in my car or in my house, so I guess I can deal with it. Plus he gives me all his Marlboro Miles! Scott has been a really good friend to me recently too. A lot of times I fell like he want it to be more than that, but he respects the fact that I’m with Derek. I feel a little bad about it, but I can’t control how I feel. But he’s been a lot of fun to hang out with lately. We’ve been going to Q-Mart and selling stuff and doing a lot of yard saling. We fixed up the barn room after my brother defiled it (I’ll get to that shortly), and it looks awesome.
I think Derek and Scott are the only people keeping me sane.
My brother is a complete idiot. A few months ago he started dating this fifteen-year-old black girl. My brother is eighteen and white. And they are having sex. I’m not sure if it’s illegal or not, but it’s still not right for many reasons. He got pissed off about something and decided he didn’t want to come home. Ashley (the girlfriend) follows him like a puppy, so needless to say, she didn’t go home either. Ashley’s parents worried and called the cops who put out an all points bulletin for my brother’s car. He was planning on trading his car for a different car too, but he doesn’t actually own it. My dad does. Anyway, they found the car and my parents had to tow it home at two-thirty in the morning. When the cops asked the people in the house where the car was found if Andrew and Ashley were there, they lied and said no. The next day the cops found Ashley and picked her up. Her parents, from what I hear, aren’t pressing charges, but they are putting a restraining order on Andrew because they don’t want him anywhere near Ashley. My brother showed up at home the next day and we caught him. He cut the straps holding the car to the thing they towed it on, so now my dad’s out fifty bucks. And all he had to do was press the release. He’s so stupid. My dad came home and told Andrew to either leave or he would call the cops. So my brother left. But the night before last he was home picking up some stuff and my dad almost let him stay. My brother has had enough chances though and my mom said no and now Andrew is gone again but all his stuff is here. I hear he plans to go to California, but I don’t know how he’s going to get there with hardly any money (he already exhausted his savings account) and no car. I really don’t know what’s going on. I think we would all be better off if Andrew was just dead.
School has been really tough this semester. I aced child psychology, but that class was easy. I love psychology and I had the BEST teacher. Art is going all right. I’m all caught up on my work, I just have to find a way to complete my final project by Friday. Blah…I haven’t started it yet. I was really having problems with statistics, but I found a way to drop it. By switching from an A.A. to an A.S. degree, the art course I’m taking filled the spot where statistics was so I still have all requirements met and I can still graduate at the end of this semester. Biology is the hardest course. The class average is in the mid-sixties, so I’m thinking it’s the teacher’s fault I’m doing so badly. I study my ass off and I still just barely have a C. This will be the first one on my transcript. But at least she stopped yelling at me ever since I yelled back.
I got a summer job. Two actually. I work nine to five Monday through Friday babysitting these three kids. That should be fun and it pays well too. The other one is Wendy’s. I don’t know why so don’t ask. At least I cheap food, a free uniform, and best of all…MONEY! I start that one Monday. Babysitting doesn’t start until sometime in June when Souderton gets out. It’s going to be a tough summer, but I think I can handle it. At least I’ll be busy so I won’t be thinking as much and maybe I’ll be happier. Work at Lower Salford is alright because Jim left. Only Ricky has been sick and I miss him. And I work with Jeff. I hate him so much.
If there’s anything else, I’ll add it later. Right now I can’t really think straight because I’m furious with both my home situation and Rob, and also I have a lot to do. I think right now I will take a shower.