Screwtape, C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters
((First, I'm a little afraid of doing this app simply because Screwtape is such a brilliant character. Nonetheless, I'm foolishly forging on ahead.
Secondly, Screwtape may fairly be recognized by any character from a Judeo-Christian milieu. He may not recognize you in return, but he'll certainly bluff his way through, as he's constitutionally incapable of admitting to a lack of knowledge or being wrong. Plus, he's a pretentious, pedantic bastard. Please, have fun with him!))
A tall man, rather distinguished-looking, appears in the Sorting Room. He betrays no surprise at this turn of events. Were one to get close to him, one might smell the faint odor of sulfur. Though he's immaculately-dressed and polite to a fault on the surface, his gaze is a little disturbing to discriminating or sensitive sorts.
He picks up the provided quill and fills out the application in a neat, swooping hand.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
There is a substance I suppose one might call "cheese" that we create in Hell. Take one human, squeeze from it all its Milk of Human Kindness, and allow the Milk to curdle and fester. It's delightfully bitter.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Why kill them when they create such lovely irritation on Earth? Oh, very well--Carrot Top, if only because he is a human and thus fit for diabolical consumption.
3. What time is it where you are?
The timeline of Hell bears little resemblance to human time. I see at a glance out the window that it is around three o'clock in the afternoon here.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Tiresome subject, human sex. I've no interest in any of them in the least; however, were I pressed to answer, I should say Molly Weasley, and in such a manner as to cause her husband to doubt her fidelity.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Acheron would be a suitable name for any bar I would run. Dante Alighieri was a troublesome sort, but he at least took us seriously in Hell.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
*Sigh* Mythology. Humans pay little attention to it nowadays, believing it to be of little use to them in their "everyday lives." This is, of course, a circumstance we engineered; one can't, after all, have the blighters realizing that their struggles are not unique to their own generation, or that humans in the past might have any wisdom to pass on to succeeding generations.
However, for the sake of the question, I shall give you, my Inquisitor, a small insight: all the stories having to do with the abovesaid dilemma are the same, in essence. In other days or in other cultures, the story went that the human loved one suitor, but was forced to marry another. In modern Western culture, we have given it an update: the human must choose between two lovers, one with whom he is more compatible, and the other to whom he is more attracted. Now, supposing he actually quits dithering about before he is too old to do anything about it, he will choose one or the other, and that is when our mission becomes clear: he must be brought to believe that he married the wrong one, and that the other one is his "soulmate" (useful word, that--the twisting of its meaning is the fine work of our Philological Arm). The faults of the one he has chosen must be continually brought to mind, even as the faults of the other are painted over with rosy nostalgia. He must come to the place at which he believes that the commitment he made to the one is of no significance next to the overwhelming "love" he bears the other one.
The lovely thing about this process is that it can be reversed in the case that he breaks with the first lover and marries the "soulmate." Any number of reversals, with him bouncing between the two (and perhaps a third or fourth, depending on how stupid he is), can be accomplished, ending, if all goes well, in murder and suicides.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
*smiles* One of Hell's finest inventions is at work here. Once, if one wanted to do something, one simply did it. Now if one wants to do something, one writes up a proposal, submits it, waits six months for an answer, revises his proposal, presents it to a committee, has it hacked up and mangled by Admin, chases it through layers of management for another three months, and finally ends up doing something very unlike his original plan of action, having been beaten into submission by The System. All of this requires a great deal of paper.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Presuming my credentials mean anything to you, I am a former Tempter with an unbroken record of success for over a thousand of your years. More recently, I have been rewarded with an administrative post and mentor young Tempters.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
I have amassed a great collection of objets de temptation over the years from various patients. They range from the predictable--a variety of currencies mostly from the European continent, a set of dueling pistols from an intemperate man with a flexible definition of "honour," alcoholic beverages and opium--to the unexpected, such as a prayer book from a petty tin god of a Vicar whose religious fervor was a thin cover for his need for control. I have a sizable collection of gay pornography (how do you humans get close enough to each other to copulate? It boggles the mind!) from the 1920s; my patient then was an American World War I hero with a burgeoning career in politics. On the eve of his installation in his state senate, his wife discovered his proclivities and, in disgust, handed it over to an enterprising reporter. Given the day and age and the staid community in which he lived--well, one can see the only option left him. There is also this gilded mirror of a French lady of the 18th century, who went slowly mad as her youth and beauty faded. Then there is this exquisite tea set. Its owner, a Dame of high society, was the picture of gracious hospitality to anyone she deemed important, and a thoroughgoing terror to her own family. Her youngest never forgot the beating she earned for the tiny chip in one teacup. I'm certain one can find here almost anything one would be interested in.
I eagerly await your judgments, my fiends.
I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ____ST______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____ST____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____ST____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____ST_____
Secondly, Screwtape may fairly be recognized by any character from a Judeo-Christian milieu. He may not recognize you in return, but he'll certainly bluff his way through, as he's constitutionally incapable of admitting to a lack of knowledge or being wrong. Plus, he's a pretentious, pedantic bastard. Please, have fun with him!))
A tall man, rather distinguished-looking, appears in the Sorting Room. He betrays no surprise at this turn of events. Were one to get close to him, one might smell the faint odor of sulfur. Though he's immaculately-dressed and polite to a fault on the surface, his gaze is a little disturbing to discriminating or sensitive sorts.
He picks up the provided quill and fills out the application in a neat, swooping hand.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
There is a substance I suppose one might call "cheese" that we create in Hell. Take one human, squeeze from it all its Milk of Human Kindness, and allow the Milk to curdle and fester. It's delightfully bitter.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Why kill them when they create such lovely irritation on Earth? Oh, very well--Carrot Top, if only because he is a human and thus fit for diabolical consumption.
3. What time is it where you are?
The timeline of Hell bears little resemblance to human time. I see at a glance out the window that it is around three o'clock in the afternoon here.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Tiresome subject, human sex. I've no interest in any of them in the least; however, were I pressed to answer, I should say Molly Weasley, and in such a manner as to cause her husband to doubt her fidelity.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Acheron would be a suitable name for any bar I would run. Dante Alighieri was a troublesome sort, but he at least took us seriously in Hell.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
*Sigh* Mythology. Humans pay little attention to it nowadays, believing it to be of little use to them in their "everyday lives." This is, of course, a circumstance we engineered; one can't, after all, have the blighters realizing that their struggles are not unique to their own generation, or that humans in the past might have any wisdom to pass on to succeeding generations.
However, for the sake of the question, I shall give you, my Inquisitor, a small insight: all the stories having to do with the abovesaid dilemma are the same, in essence. In other days or in other cultures, the story went that the human loved one suitor, but was forced to marry another. In modern Western culture, we have given it an update: the human must choose between two lovers, one with whom he is more compatible, and the other to whom he is more attracted. Now, supposing he actually quits dithering about before he is too old to do anything about it, he will choose one or the other, and that is when our mission becomes clear: he must be brought to believe that he married the wrong one, and that the other one is his "soulmate" (useful word, that--the twisting of its meaning is the fine work of our Philological Arm). The faults of the one he has chosen must be continually brought to mind, even as the faults of the other are painted over with rosy nostalgia. He must come to the place at which he believes that the commitment he made to the one is of no significance next to the overwhelming "love" he bears the other one.
The lovely thing about this process is that it can be reversed in the case that he breaks with the first lover and marries the "soulmate." Any number of reversals, with him bouncing between the two (and perhaps a third or fourth, depending on how stupid he is), can be accomplished, ending, if all goes well, in murder and suicides.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
*smiles* One of Hell's finest inventions is at work here. Once, if one wanted to do something, one simply did it. Now if one wants to do something, one writes up a proposal, submits it, waits six months for an answer, revises his proposal, presents it to a committee, has it hacked up and mangled by Admin, chases it through layers of management for another three months, and finally ends up doing something very unlike his original plan of action, having been beaten into submission by The System. All of this requires a great deal of paper.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Presuming my credentials mean anything to you, I am a former Tempter with an unbroken record of success for over a thousand of your years. More recently, I have been rewarded with an administrative post and mentor young Tempters.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
I have amassed a great collection of objets de temptation over the years from various patients. They range from the predictable--a variety of currencies mostly from the European continent, a set of dueling pistols from an intemperate man with a flexible definition of "honour," alcoholic beverages and opium--to the unexpected, such as a prayer book from a petty tin god of a Vicar whose religious fervor was a thin cover for his need for control. I have a sizable collection of gay pornography (how do you humans get close enough to each other to copulate? It boggles the mind!) from the 1920s; my patient then was an American World War I hero with a burgeoning career in politics. On the eve of his installation in his state senate, his wife discovered his proclivities and, in disgust, handed it over to an enterprising reporter. Given the day and age and the staid community in which he lived--well, one can see the only option left him. There is also this gilded mirror of a French lady of the 18th century, who went slowly mad as her youth and beauty faded. Then there is this exquisite tea set. Its owner, a Dame of high society, was the picture of gracious hospitality to anyone she deemed important, and a thoroughgoing terror to her own family. Her youngest never forgot the beating she earned for the tiny chip in one teacup. I'm certain one can find here almost anything one would be interested in.
I eagerly await your judgments, my fiends.
I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ____ST______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____ST____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____ST____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____ST_____