owl to Sirius

[profmoony]

Padfoot -

I was wondering if I might stop by Gryffindor Slytherin wherever it is you're staying now and see how you're doing. Are you free this evening?

cheers,

Moony

Comments

[toujours_sirius]

Sirius shrugged. "I dunno, I don't take him very seriously. I mean, all that name calling and stuff - it's sort of a facade. It's his thing. But once you get past it, you realise he's just a regular bloke. The key is to give as good as he does - no, to give better. What exactly has he done to you, anyway? He can't honestly have tried to kill you. I mean, don't Muggle doctors have to take some sort of oath or something?"

He set his teacup down and leant forward. "Well, now that I'm around, you can always owl me if you fancy a chat about something that's, you know, bothering you. I promise not to head off towards Azkaban or Reno again anytime in the near future. Best not to pretend it'll go away, because it never really does." Sirius shot Remus a sympathetic glance.

Then, just as quickly, he burst into laughter. "Sorry, Moony - it's not you. It's just...oh, Merlin, I remembered something the other James said to me, and it was so utterly ridiculous. He - he said something about me having a stash of gay porn!" Sirius laughed harder. "That should've clued me in, if nothing else! I mean, since when have I looked at gay porn?! I may have sex with men on occasion - or more often than that - but that doesn't mean I peruse gay porn! I mean, I have sex with Homsar more than on occasion, but do you see me reading marshmallow porn???"

Sirius was both horrified and extremely tickled at the thought that there could be porn out there involving Homsar, and he laughed even harder, beating his fist into the couch as he cracked up.

[profmoony]

"Look, he showed up in the radio studio with a fucking baseball bat and threatened to break my jaw with it. He's called me a cannibal. He's told me I was an incompetent professor. He's repeatedly told me I was an 'insufferable prick.' I don't like being treated like that, Padfoot. Goodness knows it's easy enough to get back at him, but I still don't find his behavior funny - or excusable."

The thought of Sirius reading gay porn, on the other hand, was pretty funny. "Goodness, I had no idea you went for gay porn. That's certainly news to me. You know, you do have a talent for writing gay porn - maybe you could make a few extra Galleons for yourself by writing articles for 'Playwitch.' Or maybe you could -" Remus started cracking up. "- you could write marshmallow porn for... for..." He couldn't think of a good title for a porn magazine about Homsar, and anyway, he was laughing too hard to get the words out.

[toujours_sirius]

"I think the day he's sugary sweet is the day anyone would really have to worry. Next time he decides to be obnoxious, just threaten to have sex with him. That's what works for me. Your horse prank blows all of the come-ons I've thrown at him waaaaay out of the water, but I suppose it's not practical on a more daily basis."

Sirius didn't know the details of the 'cannibal' thing, but he did know this was an issue Remus was particularly sensitive about, so he added, "And you're not a cannibal. He didn't know about all of the stuff you did for the Order. If he did, I don't think he would have said that. Even he wouldn't go that far. But if you want, I can ask him not to say things like that again. I wouldn't tell him why, of course. But...you shouldn't ever have to hear anything like that."

Remus's career advice to Sirius only made him laugh harder. "I suppose I do have a knack for writing the gay porn! Maybe that's my calling in life! But...but...the marshmallow porn...I refuse! I mean, putting the details of Jenga into words would be simply impossible!" Jenga was far too transcendent for human language.

[profmoony]

"I actually have threatened to have sex with him. Or close enough, anyway. He is awfully easy to rile up." Remus snorted. "The cannibal stuff really did rub me the wrong way - and when he said I was incompetent. That's just low. I don't know why he hates me so much - I never did anything to him, except in retaliation for things he did to me. I think he just needs someone to hate and I happened to be in the way. Pathetic." He made a disgusted face.

"Maybe you should try writing more gay porn," he suggested. "I'd be happy to proofread for you. And you do have my permission to use our exploits, as long as you change the identifying details. You could set the porn in a Muggle public school and have it be an ongoing series. I think you really could make some good money for yourself that way. But I think the Jenga would require too great a suspension of disbelief on the part of your readers." He started cracking up again.