owl to Sirius

[profmoony]

Padfoot -

I was wondering if I might stop by Gryffindor Slytherin wherever it is you're staying now and see how you're doing. Are you free this evening?

cheers,

Moony

Comments

[toujours_sirius]

Sirius smirked at Remus and then went over to a small cabinet next to the locked unit where he stored his Firewhisky. Opening it, he pulled out a tea kettle and two mugs. As he poured water from his wand into the tea kettle and then tapped it to start it heating, he said, "Things...went with Lily. I mean, she took it well, for the most part. I think she was probably relieved, although she never said as much."

He turned around to face Remus and leant against the cabinet while the water heated. "Can't quite say the same for myself, though," he continued matter-of-factly. The grief was still there, but now that some time had passed, it was easier to keep it walled off. "Poor Lily ended up playing nursemaid to me for several days while I co-opted her room and subsisted on Dreamless Sleep Potion and the occasional meal."

The rather neutral look in his face shifted to something a little darker. "He was worse to her than what we had talked about - the other James, I mean. Some of it didn't make sense, and other parts were just plain mean." Sirius paused, feeling his blood start to boil along with the water in the kettle behind him. "At one point, he even suggested that Lily might've got knocked up by accident and that it was all her fault, and it was only through James's own generosity that he stuck by her to make her 'respectable'."

He took a deep breath and turned back around to the cabinet and attended to the tea with slightly shaky hands. After a moment's struggle, he added, "But she's doing all right. Got herself a dog and seems to be doing pretty well, mostly." Except for this not-sleeping business, which Sirius still hadn't managed to get Lily to say a whole lot about. It was something he'd have to work on.

He handed Remus a cup and sat down in a nearby chair. "How are you doing?"

[profmoony]

"I'm all right. I've been working on some class plans and that sort of thing. Doing a lot of thinking. I played a good prank on Cox." Remus smiled, thinking about it. "You might have heard about it from him. He's probably still gnashing his teeth about it."

He leaned back on the couch and took a sip of tea, his smile fading as Sirius's words about Lily and the "other" James sank in. Every time he heard a new revelation about the person he thought had been his old friend, it made him feel more angry and sad and helpless - both for himself and for Lily and Sirius, who had been hurt far worse than he had been. "I suppose it shouldn't surprise me, that he said those things. But it still hasn't gotten any easier to hear about it." He paused, and added in a lowered voice, "Merlin, I miss James so much. The one we remember, I mean." It was the first time he'd said that out loud for a very long time.

[toujours_sirius]

"No, I didn't hear about this prank," Sirius said, his expression shifting to a look of amusement. "I reckon Cox probably doesn't want to give me any more ammunition. What'd you do to him?"

Sirius blew into his teacup, causing the steam to rise up and spread a warm, damp flush across his face. He was about to take a sip when he caught what Remus had said. It was a sentiment Sirius had expressed so many times, but he had always been one to wear his heart on his sleeve. Remus, on the other hand, was more guarded, and so the significance of the sentiment was not lost on Sirius.

He rested his cup on his knee and looked over at Remus. "I know." He did, even if Remus hadn't said it much before. "Me, too. All the time. He - he just always...he was a mate, you know?" It was impossible to sum up all of what James was in a few pithy words. "If he were the one who had come back...."

Sirius drifted off, shaking his head. After a moment, he picked up his cup of tea and took a sip.

[profmoony]

"He decided to leave his pony in my bedroom as a prank," Remus explained. "I'm not sure how he got in, but... anyway, after a bit of negotiation, I returned the pony - riding on it naked. The look on Cox's face was absolutely priceless. I wish I'd had a camera." He couldn't help laughing at the memory.

"James would've appreciated it, I'm sure." He took another sip of tea. "I thought I'd gotten over it, you know," he added. "I mean... him being gone. It was so long ago, but... I suppose you never really get over things like that. And having that -" He was about to say "imposter" but that wasn't the right word. It was James, in a manner of speaking, just not their James. "- that different version of him around, and realizing it wasn't the one we remembered... it sort of brought it all back. Missing him, I mean." He shrugged and sipped some more tea.

[toujours_sirius]

"I wish you'd had a camera, too," Sirius laughed. "Well, if such an opportunity ever comes up again, let me know and I'll join you on horseback...although, on second thought, I think that sight just might kill the poor man, and I rather like the bloke and would like to keep him around, you know?"

In spite of, or perhaps as a result of, their continual banter, Sirius genuinely liked Cox and considered him a good friend and a kindred spirit of sorts. And Cox had been good to Lily. Especially considering the tragic situation they currently found themselves in, Sirius really couldn't ask for more from him.

"James would have appreciated it," Sirius agreed in a quieter tone. "And...no, I don't think it's something any of us will ever truly be over. I know I'm not - and...and I don't want to be, because that would mean I've forgotten him, or I don't care, and...."

Again, he fell silent, shaking his head. That would be the worst thing imaginable - betraying James by reducing him to an old, dusty memory. Sirius was deathly afraid of losing the ache in his chest, the one that was always there, most of the time dull, but excruciatingly sharp whenever he thought about James.

He swallowed hard. "We had good times together, all of us. Best days of my life, they were." He took a sip of his tea. "But you know what, Moony? This whole thing has got me thinking about some things. I - I don't want to go back any more - to the old days, I mean. Too much has happened. I'm too changed. I just can't. It's something I think I started to realise when I took that potion, the one that transfigured me to the way I was when I was seventeen. At first, it felt brilliant, like I could run around and do pranks and forget about everything that happened after James and Lily died, and even stuff from before then - you know, Voldemort and the Order, everything."

He paused for a moment, shaking his head. "But when it came down to it, I couldn't. I wasn't seventeen. I still remembered everything...and Moony, I wouldn't want to forget all that, because that would mean forgetting Harry and his mates, Tonks, Dung...forgetting how it felt to see you after all those years, to know that you had forgiven me for thinking you were the spy.... And I also realised how responsible and older I felt. Like when James, the other James, punched me after I - well, anyway, if I really had been seventeen, I probably would've punched him back, got into an all-out brawl. Not that that really would've happened, because James would never've hit me like that in the first place. But anyway, I didn't punch him. Couldn't bring myself to...because I'm not seventeen, and I have things and people I have to take care of now. Especially Harry."

Sirius's desire to relive his teenage years was something Remus had not been happy about; He had already told this to Sirius.

"So...I dunno, I just...thought you might like to know."

[profmoony]

Remus had to laugh again at the thought of the two of them both riding naked on Red Baron. "Cox would have a heart attack. And he'd deserve it, I think. I have no idea why you like him, honestly. Well... he is rather amusing, but I can't really have much affection for someone who thinks I'm an insufferable prick and refers to me as Hannibal Lecter."

He pondered Sirius's words for a moment before speaking again. "I think you can still remember someone without having it hurt. I thought it didn't hurt anymore - I thought all I had left was good memories and a bit of sadness, you know... but it still hurts. I've just sort of... covered it up." He had never been able to articulate his feelings very well, but he assumed that Sirius would understand.

"I'm glad you don't want to go back to the good old days anymore." He smiled slightly, in an ironic way, remembering their heated arguments on that subject. "They were the best times of my life too, honestly, but... well, you're right - we can't go back there anymore. We need to try and make these times the best times of our life, you know? I think I might get there eventually. I think you will, too. I hope so, at least. Anyway... thanks for telling me. I know this might sound horrifying to you, Padfoot, but I think you're growing up. And I'm really happy for you."

[toujours_sirius]

Sirius laughed again as well. "I don't understand why you don't like him. I mean, yeah, he's a pain in the arse, rough around the edges and all that, but he's got a good heart. He cares about his friends, you know? You two must've got off on the wrong foot. Either that or he's jealous because you got to sleep with me and he.... Never mind, that doesn't work." Sirius smirked triumphantly. "Eh, don't take his jibes seriously. He's the only person I'd let call me Fido, because I know it's all done out of love, or something resembling that, at the very least."

His smirk softened into a faraway, pensive expression, his gaze fixed on a point just past Remus's head. "You never really had anyone to talk to about it - what happened to James and Lily. I...dunno if there was even a funeral." He sighed. "I suppose neither of us had a chance to grieve properly."

His eyes shifted slightly so they were focusing on Remus's. "Maybe this time I should let myself heal and you should stop yourself covering it up. I mean, I don't know how. I don't know if I'll ever not hurt, and as I said, I don't think I want to stop hurting. But maybe I should try to hurt a little bit less. And maybe you should let yourself hurt a little bit more."

Sirius picked up his tea and took a sip. It had grown cold, but was still oddly comforting, even without Firewhisky inside. "And...thanks, man. I...I suppose I'm happy for me, too, in that sense. I mean, I can't change things, so it wasn't really helping me to wish I could. Actually, if I'm being honest, I've been feeling rather old these days. I mean...compared with the other James, and with Harry...and just with everything that's gone on...sometimes it really hits me."

He paused for a moment before continuing, "Hey, thanks again for...you know, the shoulder to cry on, the shirt to spread bogies on, and all that. I honestly don't know what I would've done without you and Lily." He gave Remus a crooked smile before adding, "Well, if we're going to make these the best times of our lives, we've got to start having more fun."

[profmoony]

Remus didn't want to start an argument, but Sirius and Lily's constant insistence that Cox wasn't such a bad guy was really starting to get on his nerves. "Padfoot, he tried to kill me. He hates my guts. He's called me every foul name in the book and has been an utter arse to me ever since his Sorting. For Merlin's sake, why do you keep making excuses for him? Do you really think it's all right for him to treat me that way?"

He shook his head in exasperation, then frowned into his teacup and sighed. "You're probably right that I ought to be less... err, repressed. But... well, it's how I've gotten by. I think I would've gone mad or... or something a long time ago if I hadn't. I don't really know how to stop. Being with Tonks has helped a little bit, I think, but... I don't know." He shrugged again.

"Well... you know I do go on about being old, but we're really not all that old. We're not even officially middle-aged yet." He smiled back at Sirius. "We're not too old to have some fun, anyway. And as for the shoulder to cry on... that's what I'm here for. I know you'd do the same for me."

[toujours_sirius]

Sirius shrugged. "I dunno, I don't take him very seriously. I mean, all that name calling and stuff - it's sort of a facade. It's his thing. But once you get past it, you realise he's just a regular bloke. The key is to give as good as he does - no, to give better. What exactly has he done to you, anyway? He can't honestly have tried to kill you. I mean, don't Muggle doctors have to take some sort of oath or something?"

He set his teacup down and leant forward. "Well, now that I'm around, you can always owl me if you fancy a chat about something that's, you know, bothering you. I promise not to head off towards Azkaban or Reno again anytime in the near future. Best not to pretend it'll go away, because it never really does." Sirius shot Remus a sympathetic glance.

Then, just as quickly, he burst into laughter. "Sorry, Moony - it's not you. It's just...oh, Merlin, I remembered something the other James said to me, and it was so utterly ridiculous. He - he said something about me having a stash of gay porn!" Sirius laughed harder. "That should've clued me in, if nothing else! I mean, since when have I looked at gay porn?! I may have sex with men on occasion - or more often than that - but that doesn't mean I peruse gay porn! I mean, I have sex with Homsar more than on occasion, but do you see me reading marshmallow porn???"

Sirius was both horrified and extremely tickled at the thought that there could be porn out there involving Homsar, and he laughed even harder, beating his fist into the couch as he cracked up.

[profmoony]

"Look, he showed up in the radio studio with a fucking baseball bat and threatened to break my jaw with it. He's called me a cannibal. He's told me I was an incompetent professor. He's repeatedly told me I was an 'insufferable prick.' I don't like being treated like that, Padfoot. Goodness knows it's easy enough to get back at him, but I still don't find his behavior funny - or excusable."

The thought of Sirius reading gay porn, on the other hand, was pretty funny. "Goodness, I had no idea you went for gay porn. That's certainly news to me. You know, you do have a talent for writing gay porn - maybe you could make a few extra Galleons for yourself by writing articles for 'Playwitch.' Or maybe you could -" Remus started cracking up. "- you could write marshmallow porn for... for..." He couldn't think of a good title for a porn magazine about Homsar, and anyway, he was laughing too hard to get the words out.

[toujours_sirius]

"I think the day he's sugary sweet is the day anyone would really have to worry. Next time he decides to be obnoxious, just threaten to have sex with him. That's what works for me. Your horse prank blows all of the come-ons I've thrown at him waaaaay out of the water, but I suppose it's not practical on a more daily basis."

Sirius didn't know the details of the 'cannibal' thing, but he did know this was an issue Remus was particularly sensitive about, so he added, "And you're not a cannibal. He didn't know about all of the stuff you did for the Order. If he did, I don't think he would have said that. Even he wouldn't go that far. But if you want, I can ask him not to say things like that again. I wouldn't tell him why, of course. But...you shouldn't ever have to hear anything like that."

Remus's career advice to Sirius only made him laugh harder. "I suppose I do have a knack for writing the gay porn! Maybe that's my calling in life! But...but...the marshmallow porn...I refuse! I mean, putting the details of Jenga into words would be simply impossible!" Jenga was far too transcendent for human language.

[profmoony]

"I actually have threatened to have sex with him. Or close enough, anyway. He is awfully easy to rile up." Remus snorted. "The cannibal stuff really did rub me the wrong way - and when he said I was incompetent. That's just low. I don't know why he hates me so much - I never did anything to him, except in retaliation for things he did to me. I think he just needs someone to hate and I happened to be in the way. Pathetic." He made a disgusted face.

"Maybe you should try writing more gay porn," he suggested. "I'd be happy to proofread for you. And you do have my permission to use our exploits, as long as you change the identifying details. You could set the porn in a Muggle public school and have it be an ongoing series. I think you really could make some good money for yourself that way. But I think the Jenga would require too great a suspension of disbelief on the part of your readers." He started cracking up again.