Closed RP: Dib and ZEX in spaaaace. (Part one)

[dib_worm]

((Part one- part two is still in progress. Dib and ZEX head to the Chandrasekhar system to look for a mysterious star that only appears every so often. Post-Devi popcorning, but backdated to before Dib's open-RP in the Great Hall))


Dib: Hyperspace. For some time now, Dib's been standing quietly near the forward viewscreen, watching the strange vista around them. Not stars, but a sort of twinkling, shimmering redness... it's FAR from what he expected hyperspace to actually resemble. Everything Earth physics knew said that you'd see... nothing, or a tunnel of blackness with the stars elongated behind you... not this strange, soupy shimmering. But after a while he stopped watching the bubbling and just disappeared into his own head. ZEX's voice actually startles him, and he blinks a few times. "...I'm sorry. You said something?"

ZEX: ZEX flicks his tongue at Dib's reaction. He was pleased to see that Hyperspace fascinated him so...
"It's really quite beautiful, isn't it?" ZEX gestured towards the red world around them. "There are some who find this shade of red irritating after a while, and therefore change their windows to try and block the color, but I've always enjoyed it. It's kind of soothing, in a way." ZEX blinks. "Colors are somewhat significant to us VUX, much like they are for the Melnorme, although I suppose that's because of how...large they are, compared to human eyes."

Dib: "It's... not what I expected to see, but that's not really anything. Irken technology doesn't seem to -use- hyperspace, as far as I can tell... What's red mean to your people?" Dib asks then, turning slightly from the view, one lens still catching the percolating light from the screen.

ZEX: "Really?" ZEX's head tentacles raise slightly. "I can't imagine any race traveling without Hyperspace...the amount of time it would take to get anywhere would be extraordinary. But...different realities again, I suppose." As strange as that concept seemed to him.
ZEX takes the opportunity to make sure his ship's auto-pilot is functioning, then stands and walks over to stand beside Dib, staring out at the red sky, speckled with white star bursts, in front of him.
"They don't all just have one meaning...and sometimes meaning can be colored by personal perspective. For me...red has always signified freedom. The ability to travel and go wherever you wish. A kind of...safe place, where no one can judge or attack you. There's just you and your dreams and desires here."
ZEX notes the dreamy tone in his voice, then tries to bring himself back to reality. "A safe place because ships can't conduct battle here...in order to do so, they'd have to drag the other down to Truespace."

Dib: "A safe place," Dib echoes, thoughtful. He turns back and looks at the red sky. "It looks... well. Humans are different. We have what we call 'archetypes', things that -most- humans react to in very similar ways, regardless of any national or cultural differences. Red is... Blood. A danger color. A color of war. Attention-getting."

ZEX: "Really?" ZEX says mildly. "Interesting...I know there are some of my species that have negative associations with the color...but mostly because they had a negative experience in Hyperspace to begin with..."
ZEX turns to Dib and blinks. "Human blood is red?"

Dib: "Very," Dib nods, not smiling. "It's..." He turns up his wrist, pushes back his sleeve to show ZEX, blue veins showing under the translucent skin. "It looks blue there because there's no oxygen- we have blue veins and red ones- but if I cut my wrist open right now, it'd be red."

ZEX: "Hmm..." ZEX reaches out an arm and curls it around Dib's wrist, trying to camoflauge his motivation for doing so by bringing it closer to his eye to study.
"It changes color...how amazing. I've not had much experience with human blood, outside of that crystallized in space. It looks quite different then...but I suppose most blood would in such a state..."

Dib: A moment of tension at the feeling of the VUX-tendril coiling around his skin. "I think it's sort of good that you -don't-," the human replies grimly. "I don't know how the archetypes got started or why they're so psychologically prevalent, but I'm assuming that some of them must have been learned traits that were selected for during or evolution. Blood is red so we can -see- it, and the sight of it makes us know something's wrong."

ZEX: "I see." ZEX keeps his grip light, but doesn't let go. "It's kind of interesting how the state of warfare changes...you mention that the color red was associated with blood for humans, and therefore a sign of something wrong...and when war gets to the point of where the most you see of your enemy is their face on a viewscreen or their bodies in space at times, there's no such assocation...at least, not the same way. Black..." ZEX's voice is slightly distant. "Black is a color of war for us, the color of Truespace where almost all battle takes place now...that's an association that almost all VUX share, particularly those who served in the military..." ZEX adjusts his uniform with his free arm unconsciously.

Dib: "Black." Dib closes his eyes. "Black is sleep, death...mourning, but only to some cultures. And comfort. When someone we love dies... in our country, we wear black. Because... the person is gone..." His voice catches, his throat works, and he turns his head away from ZEX, seemingly collecting himself with an effort. "to somewhere we don't know and ...can't follow. Don't expect to follow for a long time."

ZEX: ZEX watches Dib carefully, his head tentacles brushing against each other slowly. "Black for death...I suppose the association runs the same between both species...war is death..." He'd lost so many soldiers, so many comrades in battle over time, and... "If I may ask...you mention that they go somewhere when they die...so humans believe in an afterlife as well?"

Dib: "...Some do. And," Dib's voice is still thick, "Sometimes we kill each other fighting over, well... whether or not we believe that. We're -really good- at killing each other over things we believe..."

ZEX: ZEX closes his eye. "There are a few races I know of that do the same...locked in constant conflict against themselves over conflicts of interest. The Thraddash have destroyed their own culture and history in war and rebuilt it nineteen times...and for the Yehat, it seems that war is the only thing that gives them any purpose, whether against each other or us. The Hierarchy." It was difficult to recall that the Yehat didn't hate the VUX personally, since they had waged so many heated battles against each other.
"War is eternal, I suppose..." It had certainly been difficult to get used to retirement when the first war ended...

Dib: "And... sometimes people die for -stupid- reasons, too. It's not always -war-." Dib shakes his head, blinking rapidly. "I.. where are we now, ZEX? Close?"

ZEX: "Very true. Ignorance and fear seems to be a constant in all sentient races I've encountered...particularly my own people." ZEX's grip on Dib's wrist tightens, and his voice is tinged with anger. "It's shameful the lengths that people will go through to suppress ideas they don't agree with, to get rid of what frightens them. Childish..."
At Dib's question, he loosens his grip and tries to get a hold of himself, although his head tentacles still writhe together. "Mmm...we should get there fairly soon...Intruders aren't fast ships after all, but it shouldn't take much longer...judging by the stars that I can see...I can see a white giant...Columbae, probably. Not very far."

Dib: Dib pulls himself away from the screen and returns to the place he was sitting before, a sort of round bench-chair. He leans forward over his knees, looks around at everything again. "Normally I'd be all over everything in here. Being in an -alien ship-- it's still pretty exciting, even after I've gotten sort of jaded being at Hogwarts where it's all just... NATURAL now. I just..." He lowers his head, "wish I'd had more of a chance to help her. I wish she'd GIVEN me the chance. But I talked to her about some things, and then... I didn't see her, and then she was GONE. And I never got the CHANCE. "

ZEX: ZEX watches him go, and stays near the window, his head tentacles finally having calmed.
"To lose someone before you truly knew them...or worse, having had the chance to do something about it. To rescue them, or prevent their death from happening. There's a kind of guilt that never leaves, a feeling of responsibility that always weighs down on you." ZEX's voice is strangely calm. "It's a terrible thing to have a wrongful death on your conscience, to have had the chance to prevent that death and not taking it, for one reason or another. To watch someone die because they put their trust in your judgement..." ZEX touches a head tentacle with his tongue and tries to remind himself to stay focused. He hadn't thought about this kind of thing in years... "Death, under all circumstances, can be a tragedy..."

Dib: "If I left her alone, maybe she'd still be alive. But I had to be the stupid -hero-. I had to PUSH her to show me things she wasn't ready to show me. I had to be CURIOUS, and ask QUESTIONS, and... " He touches his face. "... sometimes I'm just so STUPID."

ZEX: ZEX is silent for a while, then moves over to stand beside him. His voice is soft.
"I do not think it's stupid to want to help someone you care about. It doesn't sound to me like you ever intended to hurt her, and that you regret the fact that you did, albeit accidentally, points that your intentions were genuine. Sometimes...that's not enough. But that doesn't necessarily connotate a responsibility for a tragedy that occurs..."
ZEX's voice catches for a moment. "I don't think you would ever want to hurt someone you care about."

Dib: "I didn't," he whispers. "I wanted to -save- her. But I can't save -anybody-. I've been trying my whole life and I can't... sometimes I think I shouldn't try." This last so guiltily said. "Nobody else does. Why should I? I just lose all the time anyway. And I tell myself each time, "But you -tried-" and that used to make me feel okay enough to go on but it isn't WORKING this time." He catches the hysteria creeping into his voice, shuts down his face, breathes until he feels calm again. "... and I tell myself that I could lose before I even tried if I think that way. But she said... I didn't HAVE to fight any more, and I wanted to believe her."

ZEX: ZEX considers this quietly for a few moments, and his voice remains soft.
"If I may...how do you feel when you save someone...? How does it feel to fight? Do you feel that fighting is the only thing that gives your life true meaning, or that your life would be better without it?" ZEX looks at Dib. "What does the fight mean to you? Is it the fight or the result that matters? Or is it the cause that you fight for that really matters to you?"
ZEX lightly touches his shoulder, hoping that he wouldn't inadvertantly offend through his questions. "I'm asking because I'm not sure where the root of your sadness seems to lie...in that she's gone, or that you think you failed...human grief is fairly unknown to me."

Dib: "Th..." He brushes his hand against his nose, looking up, his nose and cheeks blotched from holding back his emotions as much as possible. "Those are -really- hard questions to answer, I mean... Any one of those is... " He's leaning against ZEX's touch on his shoulder but not really thinking about it. "Both. Because... I miss what we COULD have had and....I hate that I blew it -again-, messed up on something I cared about -again-. I... when I was, well, a kid. It felt like I was doing the right THING to be fighting... I was convinced I was this -great hero- and someday the WORLD would understand my sacrifices. But... looking at it now, I think I was just... really needing the attention. So bad that I'd do stupid things for it and convince myself they were heroic."

ZEX: "There are very few true heroes, as I know it, and very few that stand the test of time or public opinion." ZEX sighs. "I've found in my experience that it's the value that one attributes to their own actions that truly matters...as there's no guarantee that the general opinion of you won't change because of...something petty and juvenile. People will love you as long as they can see what they want in you, and when you stand against that perception, then suddenly you're no longer allowed in 'normal' society..."
ZEX very lightly runs his tentacle along Dib's skin. "You have to have faith in your own actions and in yourself. That's the only thing that lasts. Fame and admiration, recognition, all of it can vanish. If you have faith that what you're doing is right, and that that you do it in good conscience, then there are no regrets.
"And as for what might have been, had things gone differently...that I'm not sure how to forget."

Dib: "Petty and juvenile... that's a lot of the human race, ZEX. She was different... some of my friends are different, but overall? That was MY experience, yeah. I mean.... I guess there's only so many times your faith CAN get shaken... before it breaks into pieces too small to recover. And it feels... really close to that point. Really close."

ZEX: ZEX laughs slightly. "My entire race is petty and juvenile. I guess that's why I have such a fascination with others."
His voice gets serious once again. "I know what you mean, however, about having your faith severely tested. Not being sure you'll ever be able to recover, or just wanting to give up entirely..."
ZEX tries to keep his thoughts on track while also again taking copious amounts of mental notes on how Dib feels against his natural skin. "I found my faith in myself through my own interests...through what I had been condemned for, I found my strength. At times it was the only thing that kept me alive, kept me feeling. I'm not sure if you have any such interest...something that you can throw yourself into with complete abandon..."

Dib: "...It all seems pretty stupid right now," Dib says, watching the red sky. "Faith, my interests, 'saving the world'..." He shakes his head again, "But I'm getting -morose- now... sorry." He looks up at ZEX. "It's sort of my first -death- that I failed to prevent, y'see."

ZEX: "That one's always the most difficult." ZEX says matter-of-factly, his head tentacles moving idly back and forth. "Although death is never easy to deal with. I'd be more concerned if you didn't feel anything when it happened..." ZEX's voice trails off.

Dib: Dib trails his fingers through his prematurely thinning black hair. "I... I loved Devi so much. I don't think I'll ever stop MISSING her.. .wishing I could have done better... but right now I guess I just want something to -do-, something else to -think- about. Is there something I can -do- here?"

ZEX: ZEX considers this for a few moments, studying Dib's features carefully, and then he lets one of his arms slowly curl around Dib's wrist.
"I can think of something else that...we can do, while we wait." Oh, the things he was thinking of. The lust was trying its best to completely overrun his thoughts, but he fought to keep it in check. "There's still a great deal we could learn from each other, don't you think?"

Dib: Dib isn't a slow child by any means, but it finally -clicks-, when ZEX embraces his wrist with a pseudopod. His throat works, and he looks up at the alien shyly. "Uhm. Don't take this the wrong way, but..." A hitched breath. "I really -can't-... that sort of thing... Uhm. See, it'd be disrespectful to Devi for one thing... and... That's kinda something we humans have to be in the -mood- for, and I'm so NOT. Maybe... something -else-?"

ZEX: "Of course, of course." ZEX hasn't given up hope yet, and his voice is quite calm. "Merely a suggestion. Perhaps another time." ZEX quickly changes the subject as though it had never happened. "Things to occupy the time...do you know how a VUX ship operates? There may be some difficulties using the controls for a human's hands, but if you'd care to try..."

Dib: "That'd be great, if that's okay." That was a little too close... "Would it be -safe-?" Because he doesn't want to mess up the controls while they're in an alternate layer of reality- that sort of thing NEVER ends well.

ZEX: "Of course. I'd be right behind you." ZEX flicks his tongue. "This ship is one of my prized possessions after all, and I'd never let anything happen to it. A little harmless...experimentation, carefully monitored, should be safe enough. I'd make quite sure we didn't do anything particularly...dangerous."

Dib: Dib touches his lips with his tongue. Maybe learning an alien control panel would be a good distraction... He stands up and looks about. "What bit is the control board?"

ZEX: "Over here." ZEX takes Dib's hand somewhat unnecessarily, his head tentacles twisting together. He takes him to a circular desk-like construction, with a well-worn chair set inside its curve. ZEX points to the countless lights and buttons on the desk's surface. "Here, this is the primary control panel. It's from here that we can conduct all ship operations, from intership communications to the controls themselves. Here, sit."

Dib: Following placidly, Dib circles about the desk and settles down in the chair- not only well-worn but quite -ridgey-, worn into the pattern of the VUX's unique anatomy. He fidgets momentarily but any discomfort is quickly forgotten as he looks down at the vast array of colored lights and switches. "You don't use holographic keyboards?" he asks then, thinking about his experiences with Tak's ship. "Or do you?"

ZEX: "A keyboard?" ZEX blinks at him curiously. "That sounds familiar. Perhaps you could explain further?"
It's easy for ZEX to reach around the back of the chair to point out various parts of the controls in front of Dib. "You can see the array of buttons here, switches too. Here, this I don't think has a human equivalent." He points to something that kind of looks like a yo-yo set on one side. With practiced ease, ZEX's arm twines around it and squeezes slowly, and a few of the lights flicker. "This is pressure sensitive...it reacts to how tightly you squeeze. Very useful for when you need to be precise."

Dib: "Well, in Irken ships, the ones I've messed around in anyway, the controls are touch sensitive but they don't actually -exist-; they're just projected in air sometimes just a tiny bit above the actual panel. I'm not sure if it's some new kind of light-scanning mechanism or an actual new state of matter that only exists in a very thin layer that's sort of sprayed out... basically, human input devices, no matter how many little buttons or touch-spaces, we call them keyboards."

ZEX: "I'd imagine that human keyboards use those fingers you have so many of, correct?" ZEX thinks about this holographic panel idea. "Such a thing simply isn't feasible for us...it's just not the most advantageous way to use our anatomy. I imagine that a human console would look quite different from ours. Your fingers can do things that our arms can't...and vice versa..." ZEX coughs slightly. "The...holographics you mention sound interesting, although not very...useful. Why raise a panel's display into the air unnecessarily? It seems gratuitous to me."

Dib: Dib twists in the chair to look up at ZEX. "That's the Irken Empire for you. Half the reason they seem to do ANYTHING is just because they CAN. And we're not exactly talking about the brightest stars in the galaxy, either; Zim once came at me with a giant robot with a cloaking device that only cloaked the ROBOT and not its PILOT. " He snickers- almost fondly. "Stupid."

ZEX: "Hee! Hee!" ZEX flicks his tongue, accidentally brushing it against Dib's forehead. "The more you describe these Irkens to me, the more laughable they seem. I don't think they'd last long in my galaxy. I think the Ur-Quan would make quick work of them, and the Ilwrath would show them how a cloaking device should be used." ZEX thinks for a few moments. "Did you ever see an Irken warship? I'm curious as to whether they'd be a challenge for me or not."

Dib: "A... real Irken warship?" Dib sits back in the chair, thoughtful. "I don't know if... it counts, but I did see something like one in.... a dream? Except, it really wasn't a dream, I think." He tries to rally his thoughts; despite everything, he's actually starting to feel rather -tired-. He hasn't slept well since Devi's disappearance; finding out she was actually popcorn took away ALL of his ability to rest, and he's been up for the many hours since then. His eyes are shadowed and sunken. "This one time, Zim caught me, I guess- I don't remember HOW he did it, it must have been while I was asleep- and chucked me off into this alternate dimension where I lived out an entire life to old age where I had actually beaten him. In that ..reality, world, whatever... the Irken Armada came to Earth, with its flagship, the Massive. And I'd seen pictures of the Massive a few times after that, even tried to get CONTROL of it once."

ZEX: "The Massive..." Interesting. "Did you see what kind of weaponry it had? I'm sure it was larger than my own ship, but I'm curious as to their defenses...if it's as big as its name implies, it was probably slow and clumsy, correct? Weighed down with a large quantity of limpets, and it should probably be an easy kill...unless it has a kind of shield, or close-proximity defense system, like the Earthling Cruiser..." ZEX is talking to himself more than anyone else at the moment. He blinks as he reminds himself of the conversation at hand.
"You've had quite an eventful life, my dear," ZEX says softly. "I wonder if you'll ever stop surprising me...?"

Dib: Dib rubs his eyes under his glasses and thinks. "Uhm.... I DO know that while Zim and I were trying to get control of the Massive out of each other's hands, the ship barrelled straight through a couple of planets, destroyed them completely, and skimmed through several layers of a yellow dwarf star without being singed. That thing's got armor and to -spare-. The Armada travels in a cloud of ships- pretty much a SWARM- with a lot of medium and short-range fighters that break off and attack en masse when they engage. I think the Massive's the control ship for the Armada, and I'm not sure if it relies on the cloud of smaller ships to protect it or if it's got, like, some kind of planet killer level weapon. It shot a bunch of lasers at me, but I was able to take it down pretty easily. Uhm... in that alternate-world, anyway." He flushes as he catches ZEX's low murmurings. "...you really -like- me, don't you. I mean, really."

ZEX: "I see..." ZEX's voice is slightly distant...his mind goes back to logistics, strategy, memories of the war and tactics that still lurked in his mind. "Something like the Ur-Quan armada then, I suppose...a large ship flanked by smaller fighter ships...hmm. It'd require some careful planning...perhaps an ambush...although if it's truly as large as a planet, then perhaps...an equivalent of the Sa-Matra?" ZEX's head tentacles straighten at the thought. "Hmm, that would be quite serious. In that case, it'd probably be best to gain some allies...a ship of Sa-Matra class would be very difficult to confront in battle...I'd probably need to observe it myself to know for sure though."
ZEX brings himself out of his thoughts and looks at Dib, his voice still soft. "Of course...did you doubt me?"

Dib: "I just... don't know how I'm supposed to -react- to that, ZEX!" Dib rubs his eyes again, brushes the bridge of his nose where his glasses have worn ridges down into the skin. "The only other alien I met for real that wasn't swamp gas or a hallucination has sworn to kill me- and that's MORE than a mutual feeling, believe me- and my GIRLFRIEND just -died- and... I don't know how to react to any of this! Feelings weren't... ever what I DID until I got to Hogwarts. I just.. blundered on through, trying not to -care- how I felt. And now you're all over me, Devi's been dead less than a DAY, but she never -touched- me... and I don't even know if I WANTED her to or not. It's all a big confusing MESS. And I'm the HUMAN, so I can't even IMAGINE how it mus tbe for you."

ZEX: "I...dislike thinking of things in terms of alien and VUX." ZEX's voice is calm, although still somewhat soft. "I prefer to think of people as...individuals, as who they are, rather than what they are. Your species does not present a problem to me, but rather...a challenge. An opportunity to learn."
ZEX looks off to one side. "I've learned a great deal about human behavior through knowing you...about human emotions. I've learned..." ZEX considers for a moment whether or not he should say this, then decides he might as well. "I've learned a great deal about emotional pain, and rejection from someone that actually matters to me. My species are a collection of bigoted fools, childish and immature, but I'm becoming more familiar with the unique pain of rejection from someone that I actually...care about."
"Perhaps that's another difference between our species...my feelings are quite clear for you, and I understand where they come from, why I have them, why they're so strong and why they refuse to die, despite...everything that's happened. From what I've seen, human emotions are a great deal more confusing...it's difficult for me to understand why, or to what degree..."
ZEX looks to the red sky. "I'm not asking for a reaction, not now, or a decision. I didn't mean to make you feel as though you had to give one...I don't hide my feelings, that's all."

Dib: "That's...wow." Dib massages the back of his neck and blushes hard. "That's... a lot for me to think about." On a purely intellectual level, he and ZEX do have SO MUCH in common, and the VUX has been plenty patient, willing to learn -and- teach... couldn't BE a bigger contrast to Zim. But even behind Devi was Zim, and Zim... is still an unresolved issue. It's certainly not that Dib -loves- the rabid little Irken- he's not that stupid- but Zim excites Dib and they -click- on some strange, masochistic level; they have rituals, routines, they know EVERYTHING about each other... Safety versus danger? Having a patient companion who's been nothing but incredibly kind and giving- versus someone who goes out of his way to abuse and hurt him, but who's so ... LIKE HIMSELF... "God, I'm an idiot, " Dib mutters before he looks the VUX back in that large single eye. "I'm not trying to string you along, it's just that things aren't so SIMPLE. And I'm so STUPID."

ZEX: ZEX looks back at him, his head tentacles moving very slowly and thoughtfully. "I've come to understand that about humans now." His tongue slithers out, almost flicks but doesn't quite go that far. "Your species fascinates me with how unpredictable you can be...but you are not simple or easy to understand. That's what I like about you, among other things." Among other more physical things.
"I don't understand how feeling...conflicted can make you stupid, as you put it." ZEX touches one of his head tentacles with his tongue idly. "More human idiosyncracies...my race seems so boring compared to you Humans. Everything is always the same...and if it isn't, it's destroyed or put somewhere where people don't have to think about it anymore." ZEX's voice again becomes slightly distant and soft, more to himself than anything else. "Constantly waiting..."

Dib: It's stupid because I'm trying to pretend I don't already KNOW what I want to happen, even though it's wrong on pretty much -every- level imaginable. And it's stupid to KNOW that and that there's a -clearly superior alternative- and still... sort of want it anyway. None of this is said aloud, though; it flashes through Dib's eyes. "I'm just... it's too conflicted. You understand that, don't you? If I'm TOTALLY honest with you, sure.... I can see a lot of GREAT reasons that it'd work- even be a really GOOD thing. But I can see a couple of really ... DISTURBING reasons that it wouldn't. And those would be problems -I- would bring, problems that have nothing to do with YOU."

ZEX: The acknowledgement that a relationship is even possible, could be good, is enough to make the loneliness pang inside him even more. It's so close, he's so close to finally having someone he feels close to, someone he feels he could relate to, someone that really makes him feel, but he just can't reach it, it's so close and he can't have it, he'll never have it, he'll never have anyone, DAX was right, he'd never find anyone who'd-
Try and keep your composure, ZEX. It's shameful to succumb to self-doubt so easily, and you have more self-control than that. It's not as though you aren't used to this by now. Get control of yourself.
ZEX's head tentacles droop unconsciously, although he tries to keep his tone merely curious. "What reasons could there be...? What could be so...disturbing about it, when you really think about it...?" The words feel hollow to him. "If such problems did arise...why would they be your problems, rather than ours?"

Dib: "Because..." He struggles to put the words together in an order that makes sense, that is -true-. His fingers link together, lip pressing against his knuckles. "You're -too good- for me. I'm.... selfish. I'm really selfish, I can be -really- thoughtless, I'm self-absorbed... none of those traits would be good for you. It sounds like I've -already- hurt you unintentionally- how much WORSE would it be if we tried to actually take this somewhere and it was suddenly a constant thing? How much WORSE would it be when you realized that Zim and I... are, and it's so so STUPID but we're tied together, we're two sides of the same stupid, moronic coin whether he or I like it or not, and his PULL on me is ALWAYS going to be stronger than ANYTHING else in my life, and that's NOT FAIR to you or anyone else."

ZEX: ZEX didn't expect being told that he'd be 'too good' for Dib, and in truth has difficulty dealing with the concept. He'd always assumed that the problems with such a relationship would be on his end, because of human's intense and common disgust for VUX features, and...he's not sure what to make of it.
"You haven't hurt me through what you've described...through being selfish, or being thoughtless. In contrast, I've found that you've seemed...fairly aware of how what you said would affect me. What hurt was that...you didn't feel the same way about me, that was all. I felt hurt because I felt rejected, not because of any of your behavior. You've never been cruel to me, or insulted me, or deliberately hurt me as far as I can tell...it's difficult for me to imagine that you'd change so drastically, so negatively, if we merely pursued a relationship together. It doesn't make sense to me." ZEX's tongue slithers out.
When he speaks again, his voice is very soft, and his head tentacles barely move at all, resting against his shoulders. "Nothing in my life has ever been fair. Life simply is not fair, and I've stopped thinking that it ever will be, to me or anyone else I care about. If it were, you wouldn't have lost Devi. If life were fair, I would not have lost YIK or FIP or JEK or countless others...my Captain would not have vanished without a trace, my entire species would not have forgotten the fact that it was my tactics and my blood shed in battle that kept them alive and wouldn't have exiled me like I'd done nothing. I would not have spent countless years of my life fighting for a cause that'd be forgotten, to be trapped on a planet with only my menagerie and crew to keep me company.
"I don't expect fairness anymore, not from anyone. I'm not asking to become the only thing in your life, and I'm not asking that I become the only thing in yours. I'm only asking for...some kind of...reciprocation. Nothing else."

Dib: Fighting alone for a forgotten cause... how those words resonate with tired, lonely Dib. But he still feels COMPELLED to say, has to say it anyway: "ZEX, when I think about Zim he makes me FURIOUS. He makes me angry, and twitchy, and jumpy, and I start thinking about creative ways to rip out his organs and photograph them, and I imagine how nice it'll be when I take a scalpel and push it through the skin on his neck. I get revved up for a fight- my whole BODY wakes up from some kind of sleep. When I thought about Devi, I was filled with -so much- love for her it HURT; I wanted to DO things for her, wanted to protect her, wanted to SHOW her how much she meant to me however I could, and knew it would never come CLOSE to conveying what I felt. Zim and Devi make me FEEL things, powerful things I can't even CONTROL. But as much as we have in common, as much as the things you say I can feel as things I'd say, things I can -understand-... I don't -feel- when I think about you. I feel..." He stops, closes his eyes. "Like you and I have a lot of the same experiences, the same struggles. But I don't feel PULLED, or COMPELLED either toward you or away from you. And -that- isn't something that you should have to have either... you have so much to give someone you should GIVE that to someone who feels it BACK for you as strongly as you feel. That's what I mean when I say I'm stupid, when I say it's not fair to you, that you're better than I deserve. I feel friendship, I feel understanding, I feel like there's so much in common but you don't... excite me. And it's not physical revulsion, or anything like that."

ZEX: And that really hurt.
"You don't understand..." All of ZEX's head tentacles twist together tightly, shaking, and he shuts his eye. "You don't understand what...how this feels for me. How I feel about you. You describe your feelings for Devi, about how deeply you loved her, about how she made you feel, and that's precisely how I feel about you." ZEX opens his eye and looks at him, and his voice has a touch of anger to it. "I've gone through my life feeling completely alone, feeling almost nothing. I had the mind for it, I had the skill, I went into the military and I killed, I've killed countless thousands and I didn't feel, I never felt anything. I saw those around me, my fellow soldiers, those I trained with and lived and died with find their own lovers, find and make their own families. Make that important connection between two separate beings that redefine them, that give life meaning. I never felt that, not once, not for any of my species. I felt numb and alone throughout my life, fighting for my purpose because it was all I had and ever expected to have, and then I saw one of you. I saw a human, and I felt." ZEX presses one tentacle to his chest. "I see you, and I feel. I see you and I want to show you, I want to prove it to you, I want to live for you. You make me feel after so many years, after a lifetime of being alone and I can't just...I can't make that feeling stop.
"Imagine...if Devi had told you that she didn't feel anything for you either way, that she thought of you as a friend and nothing more, and you'd understand how I feel." ZEX shudders, his head tentacles still twisted together. "I can't make you change your feelings, but I can't change mine either. I can't turn them off, much like you can't turn them on, and I don't-" ZEX turns away from Dib, shaking, his voice rising in fury for a few seconds. "I am so tired of-...!" It immediately quiets, and he twists his arms around himself. "I'm just tired of...everything."
In a final, bitter whisper, "I'm too old for this anymore."

Dib: He covers his eyes with his hand. "It's TOO SOON; she's gone, she's really gone and...how can I think about just going 'oh, okay, that's fine, I'll just go on to the next thing'... how could I GIVE YOU anything except a stupid half-assed IMITATION of real affection if I don't have enough time to put everything I felt about her to rest?" He gets up, moves closer to ZEX, looking at him, looking at him SERIOUSLY. "No, I know it's not what you want to hear. I wish it was simpler, but it's not. It's just NOT."

ZEX: ZEX's voice is quiet. "I'm not asking for it now. If I were smart, I wouldn't be asking for it at all. And I understand your grief, and I don't want to push you through it too soon. That wasn't my intent." He sighs. "I don't...I don't mean to pressure you. I just want...I just want you to understand how I feel about you."
"I don't want to make this worse. I want to help. I'm still not entirely sure how...I'm not doing a very good job of it at current, am I?" ZEX laughs slightly. "I apologize. It was in bad form for me to add my problems to your own. I should know better."

Dib: "Well, you kinda ARE an alien, y'know," Dib says, casually, and with a shy smile. And then.. a thought occurs to him, and, blushing, he leans sideways and touches his lips to ZEX's cheek - or whatever equivalent a VUX has. "I think.. I -do- understand, and that's why I'm saying... it's not time yet. And for the record.. she -did- say that to me, kinda."

ZEX: ZEX's head tentacles all straighten immediately, and he stares at Dib as wide-eyed as a VUX could possibly get. He's quite literlly speechless, his tongue hanging out and still blinking stupidly for a few seconds.
ZEX at that moment realizes that the world did NOT in fact stop and he brings himself back to reality with a series of awkward coughs, his head tentacles all curling about one another.
"Ablfhghr," he says, then shuts his eye and focuses. "MRZ. I- um. Thank...thank you?" Yes, that's brilliant! Reduced to incoherence by the slightest touch. Get a hold of yourself. "I'm very-...that's alright. I-I understand, and I didn't mean- and I shouldn't have made assumptions about your lovely lips. I mean, Devi. I said Devi, didn't I?"
Even though there's no visible blush of any kind, ZEX's body language does a good job of conveying the same sentiment in its own way.

Dib: Dib smiles, finding the alien -cute- in his fumbly, fluttery, eagerly-tentacle-twisted way- but for the moment he closes the mental book on any further thought about it, and takes a few steps sideward. A small clearing of his throat. "We should probably be right on top of the system now, right?"