Sarah saw it clearly enough even with the way she was turned and she blinked, eyes burning again with held-back dampness. That what he was saying was a relief was dampened at her upset over bringing on that look. "Stephen, I..." She let out a frustrated growl at being effectively stuck in the bathtub with shampoo in her hair, unable to go to him and the time to get unsudsy and dried off too long for her. She settled by moving until she was certain he could see her as well as she could see him in the mirror.
"I should have just asked to begin with rather than assuming," she said softly, eyes on his reflection. "I already know that other self forced your hand in every way in the beginning, including protecting me, I just... was afraid, couldn't bear to think that now that you were looking back, you wouldn't have protected me in that, despite protecting me in other ways. I meant it when I said that's the one thing I never doubted before this."
She sighed, shifting fitfully in the water. "I realized that it was last night from what you were saying and I don't like seeing you in pain, but I know I can't change it, I just try my best to be there. I don't even want to undo everything that was said, I just wanted to be certain what it all meant - what was truth then that made what was before a delusion and what was just pain, which doesn't always make sense and I don't expect it to at all."
Stephen shook his head. "I do not think you understand what I meant. I doubt now I can even begin to explain it. I had been thinking I could have ensured your safety and allowed River her due as well, by permitting her to --" In the light of day (figuratively; the dungeon of course admitted no natural light), the idea took on a monstrous cast.
"You would have had to know her," he said, finally.
Sarah sighed, slumping down in the water though she continued looking at the mirror. He was right, to even begin to understand she would have had to know River and that was impossible, as she would not ask him outright to tell her, knowing his reservation at sharing things about her unless they were on his terms and knowing that even were River still here, there would be no way Sarah could have ever known her. His dead wife was a puzzle Sarah would never put together in the least, even from what she had known or could try to guess or would be told.
She also had no desire to hear the details of his 'one place' idea from last night. Her focus now was on the concept of what that idea would mean. She knew she should stop and should not take it so personally, but she was. "So you thought it, but sober do you still want it?" she asked quietly. "Even with what that would mean?" Unasked, yet every bit what that question meant: Would you still give this up? As soon as it was out, she shook her head. "Nevermind, don't answer that."
Stephen sighed heavily. "I am but human, dear heart. What I want sober and what I want drunk are all one: to have everything all at once and give up nothing. I hate the thought of missing what you are to me now. I cannot but hate the truth of my deception, too, a willful and purposeful deception. I would that there had been a way to be honest with her about it, and still have kept you. And that is what started all this, that casual remark about divination. If I could have prevented the dilemma, I would have done so." More softly: "But not by giving you up, honey, at all." Was it a choice? If so, was there any validity to it, being made in hindsight and in the absence of any real tension, River being gone? Who could say? Certainly Stephen could not.
"I should have just asked to begin with rather than assuming," she said softly, eyes on his reflection. "I already know that other self forced your hand in every way in the beginning, including protecting me, I just... was afraid, couldn't bear to think that now that you were looking back, you wouldn't have protected me in that, despite protecting me in other ways. I meant it when I said that's the one thing I never doubted before this."
She sighed, shifting fitfully in the water. "I realized that it was last night from what you were saying and I don't like seeing you in pain, but I know I can't change it, I just try my best to be there. I don't even want to undo everything that was said, I just wanted to be certain what it all meant - what was truth then that made what was before a delusion and what was just pain, which doesn't always make sense and I don't expect it to at all."
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"You would have had to know her," he said, finally.
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She also had no desire to hear the details of his 'one place' idea from last night. Her focus now was on the concept of what that idea would mean. She knew she should stop and should not take it so personally, but she was. "So you thought it, but sober do you still want it?" she asked quietly. "Even with what that would mean?" Unasked, yet every bit what that question meant: Would you still give this up? As soon as it was out, she shook her head. "Nevermind, don't answer that."
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