Water to rinse out her hair forgotten, Sarah listened, shaking her head. "You said she wouldn't have troubled me if you had stayed in one place, something you were..." She moved in the water, trailing off, as she did not even want to think about him willing, while sober and in the light of day, to trade all of this. She focused elsewhere for the moment before pushing her hair back out of her face and looking at him.
"From the very beginning you were so certain the best course of action for my safety was exactly what we did," she said, posture stiff. "All along you said that and now you've looked back and changed your mind? Despite trying to let it go last night thinking you were just hurting and thinking you'd wake up and go back to your original opinion, now this morning it's 'the truth.'"
She crossed her arms on the edge of the tub then, eyes locked on his face. "I'm not so easily going to forget all that time with you certain what was done was the best thing, I'm not going to forget all that time I spent thinking about the danger yet always certain you would keep me safe, and I'm not going to forget the first time I was in your office you told me she might kill me. We hadn't even done anything wrong at the point you said that to me, what makes you so certain staying away from me would have kept her from trying to do something to me anyway just in case, especially without you to stop it if she did? So 'the truth' is you thought you could have bargained, that you were willing to risk my safety last night when you weren't willing then?"
She looked away then, turning slightly to rest a shoulder against the side of the tub as she pushed back the suds that ran down the side of her face. She did not want to keep facing that hurt, but there was not much way to hide from it in a bathtub.
He turned away then, back to Sarah, but that meant the bathroom mirror was in front of him now; Sarah could easily have seen the pain in his face. Eyes downcast, picking out a pattern in the marble grain of the counter, he spoke haltingly.
"What we did was the best thing for your safety, yes. I still believe that. It was the surest way to keep you safe, barring my keeping away from you entirely of my own volition, which I could not manage." A sigh. "I would have given anything to keep you safe, and you know it." From the very beginning he had felt a fierce protectiveness of her, surprising in its strength given he hardly knew her. "I suppose it weighs more heavily on me than I had allowed myself to realise."
Sarah saw it clearly enough even with the way she was turned and she blinked, eyes burning again with held-back dampness. That what he was saying was a relief was dampened at her upset over bringing on that look. "Stephen, I..." She let out a frustrated growl at being effectively stuck in the bathtub with shampoo in her hair, unable to go to him and the time to get unsudsy and dried off too long for her. She settled by moving until she was certain he could see her as well as she could see him in the mirror.
"I should have just asked to begin with rather than assuming," she said softly, eyes on his reflection. "I already know that other self forced your hand in every way in the beginning, including protecting me, I just... was afraid, couldn't bear to think that now that you were looking back, you wouldn't have protected me in that, despite protecting me in other ways. I meant it when I said that's the one thing I never doubted before this."
She sighed, shifting fitfully in the water. "I realized that it was last night from what you were saying and I don't like seeing you in pain, but I know I can't change it, I just try my best to be there. I don't even want to undo everything that was said, I just wanted to be certain what it all meant - what was truth then that made what was before a delusion and what was just pain, which doesn't always make sense and I don't expect it to at all."
Stephen shook his head. "I do not think you understand what I meant. I doubt now I can even begin to explain it. I had been thinking I could have ensured your safety and allowed River her due as well, by permitting her to --" In the light of day (figuratively; the dungeon of course admitted no natural light), the idea took on a monstrous cast.
"You would have had to know her," he said, finally.
Sarah sighed, slumping down in the water though she continued looking at the mirror. He was right, to even begin to understand she would have had to know River and that was impossible, as she would not ask him outright to tell her, knowing his reservation at sharing things about her unless they were on his terms and knowing that even were River still here, there would be no way Sarah could have ever known her. His dead wife was a puzzle Sarah would never put together in the least, even from what she had known or could try to guess or would be told.
She also had no desire to hear the details of his 'one place' idea from last night. Her focus now was on the concept of what that idea would mean. She knew she should stop and should not take it so personally, but she was. "So you thought it, but sober do you still want it?" she asked quietly. "Even with what that would mean?" Unasked, yet every bit what that question meant: Would you still give this up? As soon as it was out, she shook her head. "Nevermind, don't answer that."
Stephen sighed heavily. "I am but human, dear heart. What I want sober and what I want drunk are all one: to have everything all at once and give up nothing. I hate the thought of missing what you are to me now. I cannot but hate the truth of my deception, too, a willful and purposeful deception. I would that there had been a way to be honest with her about it, and still have kept you. And that is what started all this, that casual remark about divination. If I could have prevented the dilemma, I would have done so." More softly: "But not by giving you up, honey, at all." Was it a choice? If so, was there any validity to it, being made in hindsight and in the absence of any real tension, River being gone? Who could say? Certainly Stephen could not.
"From the very beginning you were so certain the best course of action for my safety was exactly what we did," she said, posture stiff. "All along you said that and now you've looked back and changed your mind? Despite trying to let it go last night thinking you were just hurting and thinking you'd wake up and go back to your original opinion, now this morning it's 'the truth.'"
She crossed her arms on the edge of the tub then, eyes locked on his face. "I'm not so easily going to forget all that time with you certain what was done was the best thing, I'm not going to forget all that time I spent thinking about the danger yet always certain you would keep me safe, and I'm not going to forget the first time I was in your office you told me she might kill me. We hadn't even done anything wrong at the point you said that to me, what makes you so certain staying away from me would have kept her from trying to do something to me anyway just in case, especially without you to stop it if she did? So 'the truth' is you thought you could have bargained, that you were willing to risk my safety last night when you weren't willing then?"
She looked away then, turning slightly to rest a shoulder against the side of the tub as she pushed back the suds that ran down the side of her face. She did not want to keep facing that hurt, but there was not much way to hide from it in a bathtub.
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"What we did was the best thing for your safety, yes. I still believe that. It was the surest way to keep you safe, barring my keeping away from you entirely of my own volition, which I could not manage." A sigh. "I would have given anything to keep you safe, and you know it." From the very beginning he had felt a fierce protectiveness of her, surprising in its strength given he hardly knew her. "I suppose it weighs more heavily on me than I had allowed myself to realise."
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"I should have just asked to begin with rather than assuming," she said softly, eyes on his reflection. "I already know that other self forced your hand in every way in the beginning, including protecting me, I just... was afraid, couldn't bear to think that now that you were looking back, you wouldn't have protected me in that, despite protecting me in other ways. I meant it when I said that's the one thing I never doubted before this."
She sighed, shifting fitfully in the water. "I realized that it was last night from what you were saying and I don't like seeing you in pain, but I know I can't change it, I just try my best to be there. I don't even want to undo everything that was said, I just wanted to be certain what it all meant - what was truth then that made what was before a delusion and what was just pain, which doesn't always make sense and I don't expect it to at all."
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"You would have had to know her," he said, finally.
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She also had no desire to hear the details of his 'one place' idea from last night. Her focus now was on the concept of what that idea would mean. She knew she should stop and should not take it so personally, but she was. "So you thought it, but sober do you still want it?" she asked quietly. "Even with what that would mean?" Unasked, yet every bit what that question meant: Would you still give this up? As soon as it was out, she shook her head. "Nevermind, don't answer that."
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