Sirius brought his hand up from James's waist to curl his fingers around the hair at the nape of his neck. Again, his touch was light and careful.
The nuzzling and the bite at his own neck tickled, and Sirius squirmed a little against James and then mock groaned as James put all of his weight onto Sirius. "Ow, Prongs, maybe you should stick to the sandwich and leave all the pudding for me, you heavy bugger!" But the tone of his voice made it evident that he really didn't mind at all.
Happy and relieved at James's answer to his question, Sirius allowed himself to fully relax into the sheets underneath him. He closed his eyes and stretched out his free arm so it was above his head. For a quiet moment, he could almost hear Remus and Peter chatting and laughing in the background; could almost feel his old schoolrobes, soft and light around his body, much better than the rough Muggle garments he had taken to wearing lately; could almost remember what it was like to be free of the knowledge of what his life would become and whose lives had ended.
"Mmmm, I still like your present better. Not everyone comes back from the dead, you know." Sirius sighed contentedly, eyes still closed. "And right now I believe you're on top, y'tosser."
"Well yeah, but there's being tops and then there's being on top. And I'm always on top, aren't I Pads?" James grinned and pushed up a bit, holding himself just off Sirius. He leant in and bit Sirius' ear. "And I'm never too heavy." He whispered, still grinning as he rolled off to the side.
James snug himself in, head on Sirius' shoulder and just looked at him. "You never said how long? Can it wear off? Wear out?" He squirmed and then reached for an easy tickle. "Got time for a quick flight on a broom?"
"You're on top, and I'm tops. And we both should be tipsy." Sirius tugged on a chunk of James's hair in response to James's ear nibble and then, wriggling a bit, reached his other hand into a pocket (he was wearing Muggle clothes today) for his ubiquitous flask. Uncapping it with one hand, he poured a little Firewhisky into his mouth, held it to James's lips, and then recapped it and set it carefully next to himself. He lifted his arm back over his head and then wrapped his other arm around James's shoulders - his confidence about touching James increasing by the second - and traced his finger over James's ear.
"It lasts for a week. Dunno exactly what happens when it wears off, but I'm supposed to go back to normal after that." Sirius didn't want to think about what would happen after that - if the problems they had been having would return, would get worse. In fact, he wasn't really sure what 'normal' was any more.
James's tickle made him jump, and his free hand flew down to grab James's hand. He held it for a moment and then quickly let go, not sure if he had made the wrong move again. It was too easy to fall back into old patterns with the way he was feeling, with the way his body felt different, yet so familiar.
He quickly answered James's question, partly to distract from his possible faux-pas. "I haven't been out on a broom with you in ages. Yeah, let's do it - but let's eat first. I'm really fuckin' starving, and the house-elf should be here any minute.
He only took a little sip from the flask. He had Sirius, he didn't need anything else. James propped himself up and licked Sirius with a smile. He licked his lips after, then licked Sirius again.
There was still the change he'd tasted before. Whatever it was that Sirius' trials had done to him at a fundamental level. But it was somehow less, an after taste rather than up front and center. So that even through that sense, he was more like the Padfoot James knew.
"Food. Then flying. Then..." James leaned forward and kissed Sirius lightly again and snuck in his hand to tickle. He felt comfortable and relaxed. Tomorrow, maybe even the day after tomorrow they could talk about it all; Harry, Voldemort, Lily, Remus, this place... Azkhaban. But for now...
A sudden crack had James looking over and grinning at the sudden spread placed beside the bed with his sandwhich speared through to keep it together and holding a prominent place.
Sirius closed his eyes again, writhing ticklishly each time James licked him, but tilting his neck back all the same. The fog that seemed to have been hovering between the two of them seemed to have burnt off, and Sirius wondered if it now might be easier for them to talk about all the things that had gone unsaid since James's arrival, all the things that had happened in the last twenty years - life after Hogwarts, Regulus and Peter, the Order of the Phoenix, Azkaban, all the places Sirius had travelled to in the southern hemisphere, number twelve, Grimmauld Place, the veil and Reno - and the happy things, too, like Harry's Patronus and late nights spent talking and laughing with Remus, Tonks, Mundungus Fletcher, and pilfered Firewhisky.
But for the moment, Sirius was content to leave it all aside and just enjoy the company of his best mate the way he had always remembered it. He felt James's lips on his, briefly. Smiling, he returned the kiss, a low sigh drifting up from his chest.
Even the crack of the house-elf's arrival and departure didn't give him cause to open his eyes...but the smell of the food did. Reluctantly, but hungrily, he sat up, pushing James up with him, and swung his feet up onto the bed.
"Merlin, I love the house-elves." He grabbed up a crepe, chocolate mousse filled, and took a large bite. Around his mouthful, he said, "Do you even have a broom, Prongs?"
"Flew in on one after I got Ron's owl, didn't I. Bought one in Diagon Alley. Tore my clothes off, it did. Much faster than the ones I had before."
His sandwich was cut in quarters and James attempted to get his mouth around one. The house elf had taken 'as big as his head' very, very, seriously.
James swung his own legs onto Sirius' lap and settled in comfortably. "We'll go flying and skinny dipping and we could even bring bedclothes out there and set up camp for a bit."
He teased his leg along Sirius'. "I'll play fetch with you."
Sirius shoved the rest of the crepe into his mouth and nodded. He hadn't really thought about where James had got that broom from or if it even was his. Then, after swallowing, he said, "You know what I really want? A flying motorbike - you know, the Muggle kind, but enchanted." He reached for one of the quarters of James's sandwich. That thing was so fucking huge he figured James wouldn't mind sharing a bit. And besides, they shared everything.
"Had one once, actually. Maybe you remember I wanted it. After we left school, I finally got one, charmed it to fly." He took a small bite of the sandwich and washed it down with some Firewhisky from his flask. "You've never flown until you've been on a flying motorbike." He looked wistful for a moment and then put one hand on James's legs, bringing them in a bit closer.
"I like your plan, Potter. We could sleep under the stars; the weather's warm enough. Where d'you wanna go? Just around the lake, or somewhere else?" Sirius suddenly remembered something Remus had said to him about how brilliant it was to kiss someone underwater, and he wondered if he might be able to get his hands on some gillyweed before they go. Maybe James would want to try it. It was kind of a mad idea, but he was starting to feel somewhat lightheaded and reckless anyway - and it wasn't because of the Firewhisky.
Sirius hadn't camped outside since those two years on the run. But this sounded absolutely wonderful - just he and his best mate, the outdoors, fresh air, no tension, everything young and familiar again.... Sirius patted James's leg and smiled happily at him.
James was seriously warming to his own idea. "Wonder if the house elves have got any old camping equipment stashed somewhere. Who'd use something like that on staff? Herbology? Care of Magical Ceatures? We could make a proper go of it. Spend a day or two out there, food and swimming, flying, blankets under the stars. The whole thing."
He took another bite of his sandwich. "And this way we don't have to stay too near the lake. Not unless you want to Pads." He winked. "Maybe we could sneak off grounds altogether and get you that motorcycle. Nothing like a little mischief, right? And well, I can't steal you all away now can I. But I couldn't make it to Godric's Hollow. Would you..."
He stiffened a moment and then, crept forward. Something he wouldn't have done if Sirius had still been so outwardly different and changed. James wiggled until he was practically sitting on Sirius' lap. "Pads?"
Curious, hesitant - the first hint that despite the charm and confidence James really wanted, needed, his best friend. He needed the reassurance and the help. That the bigger issues did actually seem daunting and even though he kept up the brave face, he was really asking Sirius to run away with him, just for a little while; asking for company on a tactical retreat while he got himself together.
"Hmm, let's not bother with the staff. Most of the profs are either cranky or incoherent, and I doubt any of them would have any sort of camping gear." Also, there was no way Sirius wanted Remus to find out about this, especially about Sirius's having taken the potion. He didn't know exactly how Remus would react, but it was a sure bet that it would not be good. "The house-elves can probably find some stuff for us, and give us a stash of food, of course. Anyway, we really don't need a lot, and I'm kind of good at setting up campsites with no equipment at all."
Sirius was starting to feel a mad sort of exhilaration creep up over his entire body. "Yeah, let's go somewhere else, get out of here for a while, just us, make up for lost time." Excitedly, he took a large bite of his sandwich.
"Get me a motorbike? You really think...? Prongs, that'd be - I'd really...." Sirius felt as if all twenty of the Christmases he had spent without James had suddenly dropped themselves onto the current day. To get his flying motorbike back would be simply amazing. He and James could take a ride around the Highlands, solid metal underneath them, roaring and vibrating as they looked down on the lochs and -
James's mention of Godric's Hollow and the sad note in his voice snapped Sirius out of his reverie about the motorbike. He set the sandwich down by his side and wrapped his arms around James's waist.
Godric's Hollow. It would be tough for Sirius to go back there. The last time he had been there - he didn't want to think about it. The Dementors had shown it to him too many times. But of course James wanted to go back there, to see where he had started a family he didn't remember, visit his parents' graves and -
A horrible realisation washed over Sirius in a frigid wave. James's own grave was there. His breath caught in his throat, and he swallowed hard. He slipped a hand up James's shirt and hugged him tight.
"Of course we'll go there, Prongs, you and me. Anything you want, we'll do it, okay? You - you didn't try to go before, did you?"
"Got as far as my old house. It ... was all overgrown, Pads. I mean I know it's nothing like what the Blacks have or the Malfoys. But it's always been a pleasant three acres. Remember all the broom practice we did in the summers? You throwing balls at me, and me playing Seeker?"
His voice fell into something neutral as James controlled his emotions. "The gate was locked. It was glamoured shut. Vines everywhere, nothing looked after. Not even a caretaker. Like a Muggle ghost house. Guess I rather wanted every last knut to go to Harry's protection and education."
James shrugged and looked down, playing a bit with the bit of sandwich in his hand. "When I couldn't find their graves, I knew I'd moved them. I'd always liked Godric's Hollow, remember? Perfect village life. Absolutely ordinary."
His voice dropped a little. " Except for the fact that my grave's there."
James looked into Sirius' eyes suddenly. "Figured it out halfway there. Decided against it, mate. It'd be hard enough to see mum and dad six feet under. It's hard enough accepting you. Don't know what I'd do to see 'James Potter: Husband Father and Friend. Rest in Peace.'"
Sirius tried to wipe the horrified look off his face, but was so upset and shaken up that he knew James could see it anyway.
"Why did you go on your own, Prongs? Why didn't you ask me? I would've gone with you. You shouldn't've had to go there by yourself." Images of James, small and alone in front of the overgrown garden, the wrecked house, still coming to terms with his own death and the fact that his family was long gone, played in front of Sirius's eyes. If he had known James was going to go there, he would have warned him, told him more about what had happened to the house, made sure he understood some of the things he might see.
No, Sirius would have insisted on going with him.
At least James had stopped before he had seen his own grave. Not having seen it himself, Sirius didn't even know what kind of epitaph there was - or even if there was a stone marking the spot in the first place, although he assumed that someone would have taken care of that, maybe Remus or someone else from the Order. And he wondered who had visited that grave since James had died. Certainly, he hadn't, although not by choice.
"Prongs, I want to go. I need to see it, too. Pay my respects, because I couldn't do it before...and maybe gain some peace with some of it myself, you know?" Even though James was now alive and next to him, Sirius felt like this was something he had to do. But more importantly, he wanted to be there for James, to help James come to terms with the losses that he hadn't lived through, including the loss of his own life.
He looked back into James's eyes, more open and exposed than they had been at any time since James's return. "We'll go, then - but only if you want to, too, of course. Go there, and then do something to celebrate that we're both alive and safe and together. Yeah?"
"I could handle it myself." He stopped. "I thought I could. And I wanted to get away for a bit. Couldn't get a moment's peace without hearing about Lily this and Lily that. Everyone wanting to be there from one moment to the next, having opinions about everything I did. How I should be. Who I should be. I figured I'd go straighten out the stuff I could handle and come back."
He rubbed his wrist absently. "Didn't know the Goblins were going to tie me up and interrogate me."
He started to shrug, but stopped and leaned into the hand on his back instead. "We'll go camping, I'll hunt blue-thimble for mum. I don't much care what you put on mine, as long as it's not roses. And then we'll go."
James paused again. "Don't have much ideas for a celebration, Pads. You'll have to think of something. Maybe we'll buy your bike." He sighed. "It's a lot to cover in a week. You up for it, Pads? M'not planning to waste a minute of my present."
He was still on Sirius' lap, with a comforting hand under his shirt, Sirius' fingers making patterns on his back. James met his best friend's eyes clearly. "Every second, mate." It'd be a proper goodbye. Cause after this, it'll be the other Sirius, the older one. And James knew he'd have to make his peace with it.
Quietly, voicelessly, Sirius sighed. "Sorry, mate. I know I probably wasn't making it any easier for you about Lily, about all of it. I've never known anyone who's come back from the dead before, let alone from a time several years before they died. I guess everyone, including me, expected to pick things up from where they had left off, without thinking about the fact that you had left off from a different point."
Sirius wondered if the whole thing had been easiest for those who didn't remember what everything had been like, who had no expectations. Running one finger up and down James's spine, Sirius said, "I think Harry handled this better than the rest of us so-called adults. Smart boy you've got, Prongs. Dunno where he got all that sense from - certainly not from his old man." Sirius poked James in the ribs and then resumed tracing his fingers up and down James's back.
"I think I've got an idea for your grave, but I'll have to see it first to know for sure. But for flowers, I think I'll put pansies, because that's what you are, mate." This was so easy, to fall back into their old routine, when both of them were comfortable - even when the topic was not a happy one. Sirius sighed again, but this time it was a contented sigh.
Squeezing James a bit around the middle, Sirius nodded and said, "Prongs, I'm up for every bit of it. Everything." In fact, he was growing more and more chuffed by the moment. Even though parts of their week together would undoubtedly be difficult and sad, overall it was shaping up to be the best week of Sirius's life. Excitedly, he tilted his head up and kissed James. It wasn't a forceful kiss, but it also wasn't a light kiss. And it was a bold move, something that had got Sirius in trouble once before, but this time it felt genuinely right.
The nuzzling and the bite at his own neck tickled, and Sirius squirmed a little against James and then mock groaned as James put all of his weight onto Sirius. "Ow, Prongs, maybe you should stick to the sandwich and leave all the pudding for me, you heavy bugger!" But the tone of his voice made it evident that he really didn't mind at all.
Happy and relieved at James's answer to his question, Sirius allowed himself to fully relax into the sheets underneath him. He closed his eyes and stretched out his free arm so it was above his head. For a quiet moment, he could almost hear Remus and Peter chatting and laughing in the background; could almost feel his old schoolrobes, soft and light around his body, much better than the rough Muggle garments he had taken to wearing lately; could almost remember what it was like to be free of the knowledge of what his life would become and whose lives had ended.
"Mmmm, I still like your present better. Not everyone comes back from the dead, you know." Sirius sighed contentedly, eyes still closed. "And right now I believe you're on top, y'tosser."
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James snug himself in, head on Sirius' shoulder and just looked at him. "You never said how long? Can it wear off? Wear out?" He squirmed and then reached for an easy tickle. "Got time for a quick flight on a broom?"
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"It lasts for a week. Dunno exactly what happens when it wears off, but I'm supposed to go back to normal after that." Sirius didn't want to think about what would happen after that - if the problems they had been having would return, would get worse. In fact, he wasn't really sure what 'normal' was any more.
James's tickle made him jump, and his free hand flew down to grab James's hand. He held it for a moment and then quickly let go, not sure if he had made the wrong move again. It was too easy to fall back into old patterns with the way he was feeling, with the way his body felt different, yet so familiar.
He quickly answered James's question, partly to distract from his possible faux-pas. "I haven't been out on a broom with you in ages. Yeah, let's do it - but let's eat first. I'm really fuckin' starving, and the house-elf should be here any minute.
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There was still the change he'd tasted before. Whatever it was that Sirius' trials had done to him at a fundamental level. But it was somehow less, an after taste rather than up front and center. So that even through that sense, he was more like the Padfoot James knew.
"Food. Then flying. Then..." James leaned forward and kissed Sirius lightly again and snuck in his hand to tickle. He felt comfortable and relaxed. Tomorrow, maybe even the day after tomorrow they could talk about it all; Harry, Voldemort, Lily, Remus, this place... Azkhaban. But for now...
A sudden crack had James looking over and grinning at the sudden spread placed beside the bed with his sandwhich speared through to keep it together and holding a prominent place.
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But for the moment, Sirius was content to leave it all aside and just enjoy the company of his best mate the way he had always remembered it. He felt James's lips on his, briefly. Smiling, he returned the kiss, a low sigh drifting up from his chest.
Even the crack of the house-elf's arrival and departure didn't give him cause to open his eyes...but the smell of the food did. Reluctantly, but hungrily, he sat up, pushing James up with him, and swung his feet up onto the bed.
"Merlin, I love the house-elves." He grabbed up a crepe, chocolate mousse filled, and took a large bite. Around his mouthful, he said, "Do you even have a broom, Prongs?"
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His sandwich was cut in quarters and James attempted to get his mouth around one. The house elf had taken 'as big as his head' very, very, seriously.
James swung his own legs onto Sirius' lap and settled in comfortably. "We'll go flying and skinny dipping and we could even bring bedclothes out there and set up camp for a bit."
He teased his leg along Sirius'. "I'll play fetch with you."
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"Had one once, actually. Maybe you remember I wanted it. After we left school, I finally got one, charmed it to fly." He took a small bite of the sandwich and washed it down with some Firewhisky from his flask. "You've never flown until you've been on a flying motorbike." He looked wistful for a moment and then put one hand on James's legs, bringing them in a bit closer.
"I like your plan, Potter. We could sleep under the stars; the weather's warm enough. Where d'you wanna go? Just around the lake, or somewhere else?" Sirius suddenly remembered something Remus had said to him about how brilliant it was to kiss someone underwater, and he wondered if he might be able to get his hands on some gillyweed before they go. Maybe James would want to try it. It was kind of a mad idea, but he was starting to feel somewhat lightheaded and reckless anyway - and it wasn't because of the Firewhisky.
Sirius hadn't camped outside since those two years on the run. But this sounded absolutely wonderful - just he and his best mate, the outdoors, fresh air, no tension, everything young and familiar again.... Sirius patted James's leg and smiled happily at him.
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He took another bite of his sandwich. "And this way we don't have to stay too near the lake. Not unless you want to Pads." He winked. "Maybe we could sneak off grounds altogether and get you that motorcycle. Nothing like a little mischief, right? And well, I can't steal you all away now can I. But I couldn't make it to Godric's Hollow. Would you..."
He stiffened a moment and then, crept forward. Something he wouldn't have done if Sirius had still been so outwardly different and changed. James wiggled until he was practically sitting on Sirius' lap. "Pads?"
Curious, hesitant - the first hint that despite the charm and confidence James really wanted, needed, his best friend. He needed the reassurance and the help. That the bigger issues did actually seem daunting and even though he kept up the brave face, he was really asking Sirius to run away with him, just for a little while; asking for company on a tactical retreat while he got himself together.
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Sirius was starting to feel a mad sort of exhilaration creep up over his entire body. "Yeah, let's go somewhere else, get out of here for a while, just us, make up for lost time." Excitedly, he took a large bite of his sandwich.
"Get me a motorbike? You really think...? Prongs, that'd be - I'd really...." Sirius felt as if all twenty of the Christmases he had spent without James had suddenly dropped themselves onto the current day. To get his flying motorbike back would be simply amazing. He and James could take a ride around the Highlands, solid metal underneath them, roaring and vibrating as they looked down on the lochs and -
James's mention of Godric's Hollow and the sad note in his voice snapped Sirius out of his reverie about the motorbike. He set the sandwich down by his side and wrapped his arms around James's waist.
Godric's Hollow. It would be tough for Sirius to go back there. The last time he had been there - he didn't want to think about it. The Dementors had shown it to him too many times. But of course James wanted to go back there, to see where he had started a family he didn't remember, visit his parents' graves and -
A horrible realisation washed over Sirius in a frigid wave. James's own grave was there. His breath caught in his throat, and he swallowed hard. He slipped a hand up James's shirt and hugged him tight.
"Of course we'll go there, Prongs, you and me. Anything you want, we'll do it, okay? You - you didn't try to go before, did you?"
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His voice fell into something neutral as James controlled his emotions. "The gate was locked. It was glamoured shut. Vines everywhere, nothing looked after. Not even a caretaker. Like a Muggle ghost house. Guess I rather wanted every last knut to go to Harry's protection and education."
James shrugged and looked down, playing a bit with the bit of sandwich in his hand. "When I couldn't find their graves, I knew I'd moved them. I'd always liked Godric's Hollow, remember? Perfect village life. Absolutely ordinary."
His voice dropped a little. " Except for the fact that my grave's there."
James looked into Sirius' eyes suddenly. "Figured it out halfway there. Decided against it, mate. It'd be hard enough to see mum and dad six feet under. It's hard enough accepting you. Don't know what I'd do to see 'James Potter: Husband Father and Friend. Rest in Peace.'"
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"Why did you go on your own, Prongs? Why didn't you ask me? I would've gone with you. You shouldn't've had to go there by yourself." Images of James, small and alone in front of the overgrown garden, the wrecked house, still coming to terms with his own death and the fact that his family was long gone, played in front of Sirius's eyes. If he had known James was going to go there, he would have warned him, told him more about what had happened to the house, made sure he understood some of the things he might see.
No, Sirius would have insisted on going with him.
At least James had stopped before he had seen his own grave. Not having seen it himself, Sirius didn't even know what kind of epitaph there was - or even if there was a stone marking the spot in the first place, although he assumed that someone would have taken care of that, maybe Remus or someone else from the Order. And he wondered who had visited that grave since James had died. Certainly, he hadn't, although not by choice.
"Prongs, I want to go. I need to see it, too. Pay my respects, because I couldn't do it before...and maybe gain some peace with some of it myself, you know?" Even though James was now alive and next to him, Sirius felt like this was something he had to do. But more importantly, he wanted to be there for James, to help James come to terms with the losses that he hadn't lived through, including the loss of his own life.
He looked back into James's eyes, more open and exposed than they had been at any time since James's return. "We'll go, then - but only if you want to, too, of course. Go there, and then do something to celebrate that we're both alive and safe and together. Yeah?"
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He rubbed his wrist absently. "Didn't know the Goblins were going to tie me up and interrogate me."
He started to shrug, but stopped and leaned into the hand on his back instead. "We'll go camping, I'll hunt blue-thimble for mum. I don't much care what you put on mine, as long as it's not roses. And then we'll go."
James paused again. "Don't have much ideas for a celebration, Pads. You'll have to think of something. Maybe we'll buy your bike." He sighed. "It's a lot to cover in a week. You up for it, Pads? M'not planning to waste a minute of my present."
He was still on Sirius' lap, with a comforting hand under his shirt, Sirius' fingers making patterns on his back. James met his best friend's eyes clearly. "Every second, mate." It'd be a proper goodbye. Cause after this, it'll be the other Sirius, the older one. And James knew he'd have to make his peace with it.
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Sirius wondered if the whole thing had been easiest for those who didn't remember what everything had been like, who had no expectations. Running one finger up and down James's spine, Sirius said, "I think Harry handled this better than the rest of us so-called adults. Smart boy you've got, Prongs. Dunno where he got all that sense from - certainly not from his old man." Sirius poked James in the ribs and then resumed tracing his fingers up and down James's back.
"I think I've got an idea for your grave, but I'll have to see it first to know for sure. But for flowers, I think I'll put pansies, because that's what you are, mate." This was so easy, to fall back into their old routine, when both of them were comfortable - even when the topic was not a happy one. Sirius sighed again, but this time it was a contented sigh.
Squeezing James a bit around the middle, Sirius nodded and said, "Prongs, I'm up for every bit of it. Everything." In fact, he was growing more and more chuffed by the moment. Even though parts of their week together would undoubtedly be difficult and sad, overall it was shaping up to be the best week of Sirius's life. Excitedly, he tilted his head up and kissed James. It wasn't a forceful kiss, but it also wasn't a light kiss. And it was a bold move, something that had got Sirius in trouble once before, but this time it felt genuinely right.
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