(no subject)
A man opens a door and walks into a poorly lit room. He sees a large table with several people in robes and pointy hats seated behind it. He has a feeling that things may be slightly amiss.
Alan Grant: This isn’t the Instructor Evaluations Committee, is it?
Head Wizard: No, Dr. Grant, but we’ve been expecting you.
Grant: What? Look, I’ve really got to go, I’ve got a meeting…
Head Wizard: Just a few minutes of your time, please.
Grant: Fine.
“If you’ll please take a seat and fill out this form, we’ll get started with the sorting process.” Dr. Grant takes the scroll and starts to write.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
What kind of question is this? My favorite cheese would be colby jack, I guess. It makes for a good sandwich.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Barney, that son of a bitch! Do you know he almost got me killed? He’s a menace to society, as far as I’m concerned.
3. What time is it where you are?
Five to eleven.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Molly. She seems to have experience in the “lie back and think of England” department.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
I’m not pushing for a house, but I can tell you right now that your grad student is lazy. A good gofer grad student makes sure the paper never reaches your desk.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
Will you take Ian Malcolm? You can have him free of charge, as far as I’m concerned. Let’s see, I’ve also got a few students who know how to make paperwork disappear, a killer chocolate chip cookie recipe, and a hat. If you want things I don’t have, I can also offer you a well staffed research lab. And money.
Alan Grant: This isn’t the Instructor Evaluations Committee, is it?
Head Wizard: No, Dr. Grant, but we’ve been expecting you.
Grant: What? Look, I’ve really got to go, I’ve got a meeting…
Head Wizard: Just a few minutes of your time, please.
Grant: Fine.
“If you’ll please take a seat and fill out this form, we’ll get started with the sorting process.” Dr. Grant takes the scroll and starts to write.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
What kind of question is this? My favorite cheese would be colby jack, I guess. It makes for a good sandwich.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Barney, that son of a bitch! Do you know he almost got me killed? He’s a menace to society, as far as I’m concerned.
3. What time is it where you are?
Five to eleven.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Molly. She seems to have experience in the “lie back and think of England” department.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
I’m not pushing for a house, but I can tell you right now that your grad student is lazy. A good gofer grad student makes sure the paper never reaches your desk.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
Will you take Ian Malcolm? You can have him free of charge, as far as I’m concerned. Let’s see, I’ve also got a few students who know how to make paperwork disappear, a killer chocolate chip cookie recipe, and a hat. If you want things I don’t have, I can also offer you a well staffed research lab. And money.