If Sirius were to go back to Azkaban, this moment would surely be one of the memories the Dementors would force him to relive. It was one of his lowest moments, having hurt his best friend in such a raw, personal way.
And this was supposed to have made things better. Both of them were supposed to be relaxed, sprawled out side by side, maybe telling a dirty joke or just lying there in comfortable silence until they both fell asleep - next to each other, in each other's arms, it didn't matter.
Instead, James's back was straight and tense against Sirius's face, and Sirius dared not embrace him, even though he desperately wanted to. Sirius hadn't thought their situation could get any worse, but it undoubtedly had. In fact, Sirius would have much preferred to be floating above the bed again.
No, Sirius didn't want to sleep, and he didn't want to talk about it later. "No, Prongs," he said a bit more forcefully than before, "it's not all right. I'm really really sorry." His voice softened. "I just wanted you to feel good. I didn't want to hurt you...and I won't do it again, not unless you ask me to, I promise." His hand stroked James's arm for a moment, and then he drew it back, almost as if it were burnt. The last thing he wanted to do was set James off again, not when things were already this bad. He pulled all the way back from James.
For a moment, he turned away, taking the opportunity to wipe his eyes off. Then he grabbed a pillow and put it next to James, upright, so that it acted as a sort of divider between the two of them. He pressed himself against the pillow. It was the closest he could get to embracing James, and for now it would have to do, unless James transfigured it into a brick wall or something...which wouldn't really surprise Sirius. Not at this point. And there was nothing he could do or say in protest.
"I'm so sorry." It was said in the softest of whispers. Sirius really wanted to say more, to ask James questions, to try to resolve this. But at this point, he didn't want to counter James any further. He couldn't bear to hurt him even more. Instead, Sirius sighed softly. It was a shaky sigh, his breath hitching in his throat once more.
I wish I were seventeen again. If only there were some sort of way. Sirius tried to fixate on this thought so that all the other emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him would stay at bay. The last thing James needed was to have to worry about him.
Sirius tried to run through the different magical subjects in his head. A charm would be no good - not strong enough. Transfiguration was possible, but a large sort of transfiguration like this one would probably take a very long time to achieve, like the Animagus transformation - and anyway, Sirius would probably have to ask Remus about it, and he knew Remus wouldn't agree.
Arithmancy, too complicated; Defence Against the Dark Arts, not applicable; Divination, rubbish.
And this was supposed to have made things better. Both of them were supposed to be relaxed, sprawled out side by side, maybe telling a dirty joke or just lying there in comfortable silence until they both fell asleep - next to each other, in each other's arms, it didn't matter.
Instead, James's back was straight and tense against Sirius's face, and Sirius dared not embrace him, even though he desperately wanted to. Sirius hadn't thought their situation could get any worse, but it undoubtedly had. In fact, Sirius would have much preferred to be floating above the bed again.
No, Sirius didn't want to sleep, and he didn't want to talk about it later. "No, Prongs," he said a bit more forcefully than before, "it's not all right. I'm really really sorry." His voice softened. "I just wanted you to feel good. I didn't want to hurt you...and I won't do it again, not unless you ask me to, I promise." His hand stroked James's arm for a moment, and then he drew it back, almost as if it were burnt. The last thing he wanted to do was set James off again, not when things were already this bad. He pulled all the way back from James.
For a moment, he turned away, taking the opportunity to wipe his eyes off. Then he grabbed a pillow and put it next to James, upright, so that it acted as a sort of divider between the two of them. He pressed himself against the pillow. It was the closest he could get to embracing James, and for now it would have to do, unless James transfigured it into a brick wall or something...which wouldn't really surprise Sirius. Not at this point. And there was nothing he could do or say in protest.
"I'm so sorry." It was said in the softest of whispers. Sirius really wanted to say more, to ask James questions, to try to resolve this. But at this point, he didn't want to counter James any further. He couldn't bear to hurt him even more. Instead, Sirius sighed softly. It was a shaky sigh, his breath hitching in his throat once more.
I wish I were seventeen again. If only there were some sort of way. Sirius tried to fixate on this thought so that all the other emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him would stay at bay. The last thing James needed was to have to worry about him.
Sirius tried to run through the different magical subjects in his head. A charm would be no good - not strong enough. Transfiguration was possible, but a large sort of transfiguration like this one would probably take a very long time to achieve, like the Animagus transformation - and anyway, Sirius would probably have to ask Remus about it, and he knew Remus wouldn't agree.
Arithmancy, too complicated; Defence Against the Dark Arts, not applicable; Divination, rubbish.
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