One second, James is underneath him, eyes soft and then cold, but still looking at Sirius, recognising him. The next second, Sirius is hovering just under the wood canopy of the bed, his belly unnaturally warm from the gust of air that had hit it a moment before. And James is off the bed, staring up wild eyed at Sirius as if he hasn't a clue who he is, wand pointed straight at him. And it had all happened so fast that Sirius barely had time to register what had happened.
"Prongs, what the bloody hell?" This was not right. Something was terribly, dreadfully wrong, in fact.
And then James was looking confused, and Sirius felt somehow as if it was his fault, that he had done something that he shouldn't have, but for the life of him, he couldn't work out what it was. And right now, he was feeling really exposed. And his wand was on the bed.
He clawed at the canopy, trying to steady himself, but he kept slipping. Finally, he gave up and went limp. Looking down at James, he said quietly, "I - I'm sorry. I mean...I'm not really sure what I did, but I'm sorry anyway...Prongs?"
A moment ago, things had felt so familiar. Now Sirius felt as if everything were upside down again - and not all of that was because he was floating six feet above his bed.
"I told you not to do that!" James almost spit the words out. But he lowered his wand, fingers tight around the wood.
He shook himself all over to try and loosen up. "You're smarter than this Pads. Come on, maybe I should take all that stuff we've been drinking and poor it down a sink. It's making you slow, mate. I said lay off till I get used to seeing a Black."
James canceled his spells with a sharp motion, but added another cushioning charm so Sirius' drop wouldn't land him smacking hard against the mattress. He stayed where he was, however, outside of the cocoon they'd made for themselves.
One hand went up into his hair, scrunching it over and over again, expelling nervous energy.
"Look, I'm tired, mate. And you're tired. It's alright, yeah? I know you're sorry. I'll just go to sleep." He nodded to the other bed. "And then we can get up and raid the kitchen, have a real welcome home feast."
The hand in James' hair kept scrunching, giving away his agitation to those who knew him.
The sharpness in James's tone almost made Sirius flinch, but he tried not to show it. Just when things kept settling back into place, they suddenly whirled themselves one hundred eighty degrees, leaving Sirius confused and with a sort of achy feeling in his chest. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt or upset James, especially when everything was already so topsy turvy, but somehow he kept doing it.
After James released the spells and he dropped softly onto the mattress, Sirius curled up in the corner of the bed, legs hugged protectively to his chest. Glumly, he said in a quiet voice. "I guess - I guess I forgot. It's just...everything seemed so normal, and you looked so sad, and, well, that's what we always do, so I just figured...." He trailed off and sighed. "I'm not one of them, Prongs."
A dark fear lurked in the back of Sirius's head. What if James never got used to the way things were? Of course Sirius was thrilled to have James back. But he felt like a little piece of his heart might break off and die if things were different between the two of them because of the toll time and hardship had taken on Sirius's face and body, or whatever it was that was bothering James.
And then, when James nodded at the other bed, Sirius felt as if that piece of his heart did break off. This wasn't how it had been between the two of them. It was just a bed, but the gesture had a far deeper connotation than that to Sirius. In essence, it was a rejection, and that was the one thing he couldn't take from his best friend...especially when he could tell, from James's behavior, the hand pulling at his hair, that James really did need Sirius beside him right now.
But Sirius was at a complete loss. He felt that one more wrong move might make things worse. And right now, the wrong move seemed to be any move in James's direction. He lay down and turned away from James, his face just inches from the end table he had conjured up earlier.
"All right, Prongs. Whatever you want. Good night, then." He sighed and closed his eyes, knowing that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep for a long time and that the sounds of James getting into the other bed would intensify the ache in his chest.
Sirius curled almost fetal profile on the bed was like a kick to the chest. A mule kick. It was automatic for him to rub his chest, hand finally pulling free of his hair.
James sighed and moved close enough to the bed to sit gingerly just at the edge where the panel opened up. He leaned against a wood panel, feeling it imprint onto the side of his face.
"Bloody hell, Pads. You're more trouble than a woman." James looked back, reaching out to smack his hand on Padfoot's arse, hoping the humor would break the strange tension-like thing in the air between them.
His voice dropped a bit, got softer. "I know you're not them, Pads. I know. Well, I know the Pads I left wasn't like them and bloody wasn't ever likely to be. But I told you I can't see the differences when I look at you now. I haven't grown up with them. Though I guess no one here did. Still, no one besides Moony knows what a horror you look like first thing in the morning, all sticky up hair and bleary eyes."
James drew his hand back. He didn't want Padfoot forgetting again. But he didn't know how to make it stop. Still, if he couldn't quite climb back into bed....
James flicked his wand and concentrated to form a collar around Padfoot's throat.
For a bit, Sirius heard nothing - no shifting, no walking, no rustling of bed covers from across the room. And then came a soft noise at the other end of the bed, the noise of someone sitting down, accompanied by a slight shift in the wood panelling. He tried to will himself to fall asleep immediately, but the harder he tried, the more awake he felt.
Finally, James's voice broke the silence, and Sirius felt a small swat on his backside. He wanted to turn around, to face James, but something inside him was forcing him to stay still. Maybe it was that Sirius needed something more reassuring than a tap on the arse and an explanation to make him feel comfortable again.
And there really was nothing Sirius could do about this problem except hope James would become accustomed to the marks that Azkaban and its Dementors had left on him. There was no way to turn back time for him. But he desperately wished there were, so that James would have at least one familiar face to look upon.
He exhaled a long, slow, shaky breath. And then he felt a familiar touch around his neck, a band lightly encircling his throat, but not in a restrictive, harmful sort of way. It was more like an embrace of sorts. And it carried with it a message that James knew he was hurting right now. This time, unfortunately, James was the cause of that hurt, even though Sirius knew he didn't mean to be.
Slowly, he rolled over to face James, although he kept his head tilted a bit downward, refusing to look James in the eye. "Twelve years, Prongs," he said hoarsely. "It wasn't easy. And I guess it shows. I'm sorry it's not what you remember and that everything is so different and that you didn't choose to be here." Then, finally looking up into James's face, he added, "But I'm really glad you're here, Prongs."
"I know." James said softly. His wand hand moving to Sirius' leg where another collar and leash were waiting to be formed, they only needed Sirius' permission to snap into reality. If Sirius were tied to the bed, James could crawl back in. It'd be a slight reminder that things were different.
Or at least he hoped it would be.
He sighed again, leaning back against the panel. "M'really tired, mate. It's all cocked up and well, I rather fancy a good nap. A proper nap." He glanced at the bed meaningfully. He wanted to be there, if there was a way.
He rubbed his head distractedly. Too much magic usage while drunk, he was having a killer reaction headache. James leaned over to pull the bell to bring a House-elf. Water and a cup of willow-bark tea is what he needed, now and another set when he woke up.
Sirius followed the movement of James's wand to his leg, his eyes widening. He understood what was being asked, and it caused his heart to start pounding rapidly against his ribcage. After being locked up for twelve years in Azkaban, and then for another year at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, the idea of being physically restrained, even by someone he trusted with his life, made a sickening panic start to take hold of his head.
It was one thing play around with things like this during sex, where the point of the restraints was to heighten and enhance the experience. This was something else entirely...and even if it were sex, Sirius honestly didn't know if he would be able to handle it. He hadn't done anything along those lines since before he had gone to Azkaban, and he was afraid that if he were to try it again, he might fall apart before even realising what was happening.
And this was new. James had never tried to keep him in check like this before. If Sirius hadn't been cluing in to just how lost, sad, and tired James was, despite James's efforts to appear calm and in control, he would probably have been angry about it. But how could he be when this strange behaviour was obviously the product of someone who was very confused, someone who was grieving for a life he had lost in a mere second, someone who might be breaking apart underneath his cool exterior? Sirius really wished there was something he could do to set James's mind at ease. But what James was asking, he just couldn't do.
"Prongs, no. I - Azkaban, Prongs. I can't. And there's no need for it. Relax for a moment. I'm not going to hurt you. Just earlier, I was - I was just trying to make you feel better, because you looked so sad. I mean, it's what we've always done, and...but I won't do that again if it bothers you, I promise." Sirius hated to make this promise, because it meant that something in their relationship was now different. But it was better than suffering the indignity of being tied up and then melting down because of it.
"Look, I want you to be here, and if you want to be here, too, then please...." Sirius trailed off and looked at the empty space next to him on the bed. "I won't even move unless you want me to. Nothing that you're not comfortable with." It was a tough balance between being there for James in the way he had always been and restraining himself from those actions because they now were upsetting to James. But Sirius would do his best to find it.
The hovering spell vanished with a slight pop and James practically threw himself at his best friend. He'd forgotten too. Forgotten royally.
"Sorry, Padfoot. Bloody stupid of me. Total ponce. Didn't mean to... Bloody hell, it's not as if I can't just look at you and remember I just..."
James dived into the bed, curling into Sirius to hold him and apologise. He ended up burrowing, shaking the smallest bit, overwhelmed and ashamed. He should have known better, it was just...
The body in his arms was wrong, off by just enough. It wasn't what he needed. And he'd never realized how much he needed Padfoot as much as Padfoot needed him.
He could do with Sirius curled around him, telling him dirty jokes and that this had all been a horrid dream. Or just his own Sirius, here, making the whole 'have a son, don't get along with Lily who was his -wife-, debacle something more manageable.' No expectations, just friendship.
He sighed and shifted away, his hand trailing over Sirius' back. Maybe he should just get up and go to the other bed. Maybe they should just get used to not having this kind of closeness anymore. Maybe how close they used to be, no matter if it was thirteen days or thirteen years, was having expectations.
"Merlin's Beard, Padfoot. I...wish I could fix it. But at least I'm alive and I'm here. I'm here, Pads. And you're here. We'll lick this thing."
His hand went to his hair again and James sighed, but tried to hide it with a smile, pulling himself together, and trying not to feel threadbare.
One moment Sirius was feeling cold and rejected, and the next moment James was in his arms apologising. The sudden swing of emotions was almost too much for him to take, and he gratefully embraced James back, albeit cautiously. He really wanted to hold on, to feel that things were the same, but it was hard to know what would scare James off, and that was the last thing Sirius wanted to do.
"'S okay, Prongs," Sirius said in a low voice. "I know you're...." He trailed off and just let James burrow into him, gingerly stroking James's back with a very light touch. When it came down to it, James would always understand.
And then James moved away a bit and the space next to Sirius was empty again. Not cold, at least, but empty. He let his hand drop to the blanket, cool and dry to the touch.
Turning over onto his back, Sirius stared up at the wooden canopy of the bed. "Yes, at least you're alive and here," he echoed. This was true, but right now Sirius's insides were aching that things were so different and that the both of them were hurting so much. "Prongs, if there were something I could do to fix it, anything, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't want to scare you away." He rubbed his hands over his face and then left them there, sighing heavily.
James wriggled closer and curled in again. He rested his head on Sirius' shoulder. He was so tired. "I know, Pads."
His hand settled on Sirius' stomach, then traveled down. He couldn't handle Sirius touching him. But he knew what could help, would help, and if he couldn't accept it, he could give it.
James' fingers crept, slow but steady, the tips of his fingers felt hot.
"Alright there, Pads ?" James kept his voice low, a quiet whisper.
Close and away, relaxed and tense, in and out. Sirius hadn't a clue what to expect. Just when he thought the situation had settled into a pattern, it reversed itself, causing Sirius's heart to leap and drop without warning. All he wanted was his friendship back, exactly the way it was before. While the circumstances and environment weren't the same, the relationship could be...but it wasn't.
But at least the inward swings were better than the outward ones, so when Sirius felt James move back towards him and put his head on Sirius's shoulder, he was more relieved than anything. He just hoped the situation wouldn't turn around again, or at least not anytime soon. He really needed a break, a long period of time where James felt comfortable, before everything reversed itself once more.
Sirius lowered his arm and placed it tentatively on James's shoulder, helping him settle into Sirius a bit. His touch was light and very gentle. Anything could set James off, and Sirius really didn't want to find himself hovering above the bed for the third time that night.
He remained silent for a bit. At this point, there was nothing to say. He just wanted to enjoy their closeness, the complete normalness of the situation. James's hand was warm on his stomach, and if they were to fall asleep just like that, Sirius would be perfectly content.
And then James's hand started to move. Down. At first, Sirius tensed up. He hadn't been aroused - far from it - and he was afraid that James might get spooked again after all. But as James's hand started to move further down, Sirius's heart started to beat faster, and his breaths quickened.
One thing he knew: Sudden moves were out of the question. So instead, he just lay back and let James do as he pleased.
He tried to answer James's question, but his voice got caught somewhere in his throat. He coughed slightly to clear it up and then whispered softly, "Yeah. You?"
"Tired, ah mate. Just want..." James shrugged. "Want things normal, yeah."
James was not content. He wanted his best friend back. He needed his best friend back. And the almost, but not quite of a few moments ago had hooked him to feel as wiry as the snitch.
His fingers moved knowingly. Sirius was bigger, but his reactions were the same. And there was a lot of comfort in that. It was just like before, knowing what made his friend's toes curl, and his voice go high.
Except it wasn't both of them, and the hand around his back, holding him close was a bit of a bloody tease. Cause what he really needed was to work off all the bloody tension, get back to naught.
He curled his leg around one of Sirius' tugging it to the side. This was alright, he could do this. He had to be able to do this without needing anything back. He'd upset Pads twice for the night already. He hated fighting with Padfoot, more than with anyone else. Things were always better when they were working as a team, settled and happy together. And maybe if Pads was calmer, he'd just slip there too.
James stroked, fingers easy and light but sure. "You normal, Pads ?"
Sirius managed to get out, "I want things normal, too," before his breath got caught up in his chest from James's touch. He swallowed hard and then exhaled a long, shaky sigh through his mouth, which was slightly open, although he didn't remember opening it.
He allowed James to pull his leg over, although by this point even if he hadn't wanted it, he was unable to resist. James's hand was stroking and squeezing, and Sirius's mind was beginning to drift off, a complete slave to James's knowing touch. He exhaled again, but this time he couldn't help putting voice to it.
"Ahhhh, Prongs," he slurred, "not normal. Better. Please -" throwing his neck back as James's squeeze tightened, he panted a couple of times and then moaned " - don't stop, okay?" The leg James had tugged over twisted a bit, toes pressing against James's calf.
He arched up into James's hand and then back down again. Taking a deep breath, he tried to shut out the sensations for a moment so he could make them last longer. And then, in a small flash of clarity, he remembered their fragile situation and he tentatively lay his free hand on James's, the one that was stroking.
"Prongs," he breathed, "are you okay? I don't want you to if, you know, if you're not okay with it." He tried to prepare himself for the rejection. He could have just kept quiet about it, but it was better if he gave James the option to stop. It was a way of cushioning the blow for himself. He supposed he could just turn over and wank if that were the case, because at this point he couldn't just let things stop entirely. But James didn't have to be a part of it if he didn't want to.
"I'm ok." He was actually relaxing a little. Pads sounded the same. Nestled as they both were in the tangled sheets, James could let himself go a little, pretend.
When Pads had first climbed into his bed last year, he'd never thought he could reach the point where it just felt bloody natural to have his own warm body in a bed. He'd never thought he'd have as many moments where he didn't have to be putting Pads back together again, that Padfoot - Sirius, would be the one reminding him to loosen up, that school wasn't over yet and until it was his life was his own.
His thumb flicked and circled and James smiled as Sirius arced. Maybe the odd gift in all this was that even if Padfoot looked different, there wasn't so much actual history between them that Pads was a different man. He knew this person.
And then Sirius' hand was over his, his voice tentative.
James squeezed the leg between his a touch harder than necessary. "Want to, y'tosser. Now shut up."
James dropped his hand lower, holding, rolling and squeezing gently to make his point. His shifted enough to change his grip on the shaft and stroked long and hard just as extra to make Sirius stop thinking.
"Okay." Sirius exhaled a long, shaky breath, this time from relief rather than from physical sensation. James sounded relaxed and comfortable, normal, and that was the absolute best Sirius could hope for. He allowed himself to relax, too, moving his hand off James's and dropping it onto his own stomach. Closing his eyes, he focused on the warm touch of James's fingers on his flesh, squeezing and pulling at just the right pace.
As James moved his hand lower, Sirius shifted his hips to accommodate him, groaning softly as James worked his fingers around. Then James adjusted his grip and started to tug in long, deliberate strokes, and although James had told him to shut up, Sirius could not help but start babbling.
"Prongs, Prongs, Prongs, please don't stop, you're driving me mad, Prongs, please, keep going, you're making me feel so good, Prongs, I don't think I could take it if you stop, Prongs, just the way you're doing it, you always - unnnnnnh, please keep going, Prongs, I really want you to...."
Almost automatically, Sirius started to twist up and around, reaching his free hand down towards James, ready to do the same for him - and then, through all the fog in his mind, he remembered his promise. He quickly dropped back down, free hand pinned to his side and the other one still loosely supporting James on his shoulder.
Almost as automatically James had tilted his head back, lips parted for a kiss, but he caught himself before Sirius did. Because the person he saw when his vision snapped from hazy into focus wasn't the person he was expecting to see. The person he needed to see.
James shifted his hips, but kept his head on Sirius' shoulder and stroked, closing his eyes again. He could almost pretend. Almost. Sirius groaned unexpectedly and James felt the familiar sound tug at him, eyes, throat and gut. He felt suddenly, voraciously homesick and had to bite his lip to stop a sound. It came out a grunt.
Part of him wondered if he should try. If he should risk it, just because nothing would feel better right now than letting go. He trusted Sirius. Padfoot would be there.
Shifting, James opened his eyes again, fingers still working with touches he didn't have to think about. He knew how to keep Sirius on the edge.
But all it took was one look, and it suddenly felt selfish to lean. Selfish and terrifying. Suppose he broke Pads?! Sirius had so much to deal with already. What Sirius needed was his best mate, his friend. What he needed was the same level and only the same level of where things were a while ago, before it suddenly seemed like the best part of James' life.
Unconsciously, James bit into the shoulder under his lips. A gentle half mouthing with teeth and his wrist twisted to try to end it sooner.
"Prongs, what the bloody hell?" This was not right. Something was terribly, dreadfully wrong, in fact.
And then James was looking confused, and Sirius felt somehow as if it was his fault, that he had done something that he shouldn't have, but for the life of him, he couldn't work out what it was. And right now, he was feeling really exposed. And his wand was on the bed.
He clawed at the canopy, trying to steady himself, but he kept slipping. Finally, he gave up and went limp. Looking down at James, he said quietly, "I - I'm sorry. I mean...I'm not really sure what I did, but I'm sorry anyway...Prongs?"
A moment ago, things had felt so familiar. Now Sirius felt as if everything were upside down again - and not all of that was because he was floating six feet above his bed.
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He shook himself all over to try and loosen up. "You're smarter than this Pads. Come on, maybe I should take all that stuff we've been drinking and poor it down a sink. It's making you slow, mate. I said lay off till I get used to seeing a Black."
James canceled his spells with a sharp motion, but added another cushioning charm so Sirius' drop wouldn't land him smacking hard against the mattress. He stayed where he was, however, outside of the cocoon they'd made for themselves.
One hand went up into his hair, scrunching it over and over again, expelling nervous energy.
"Look, I'm tired, mate. And you're tired. It's alright, yeah? I know you're sorry. I'll just go to sleep." He nodded to the other bed. "And then we can get up and raid the kitchen, have a real welcome home feast."
The hand in James' hair kept scrunching, giving away his agitation to those who knew him.
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After James released the spells and he dropped softly onto the mattress, Sirius curled up in the corner of the bed, legs hugged protectively to his chest. Glumly, he said in a quiet voice. "I guess - I guess I forgot. It's just...everything seemed so normal, and you looked so sad, and, well, that's what we always do, so I just figured...." He trailed off and sighed. "I'm not one of them, Prongs."
A dark fear lurked in the back of Sirius's head. What if James never got used to the way things were? Of course Sirius was thrilled to have James back. But he felt like a little piece of his heart might break off and die if things were different between the two of them because of the toll time and hardship had taken on Sirius's face and body, or whatever it was that was bothering James.
And then, when James nodded at the other bed, Sirius felt as if that piece of his heart did break off. This wasn't how it had been between the two of them. It was just a bed, but the gesture had a far deeper connotation than that to Sirius. In essence, it was a rejection, and that was the one thing he couldn't take from his best friend...especially when he could tell, from James's behavior, the hand pulling at his hair, that James really did need Sirius beside him right now.
But Sirius was at a complete loss. He felt that one more wrong move might make things worse. And right now, the wrong move seemed to be any move in James's direction. He lay down and turned away from James, his face just inches from the end table he had conjured up earlier.
"All right, Prongs. Whatever you want. Good night, then." He sighed and closed his eyes, knowing that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep for a long time and that the sounds of James getting into the other bed would intensify the ache in his chest.
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James sighed and moved close enough to the bed to sit gingerly just at the edge where the panel opened up. He leaned against a wood panel, feeling it imprint onto the side of his face.
"Bloody hell, Pads. You're more trouble than a woman." James looked back, reaching out to smack his hand on Padfoot's arse, hoping the humor would break the strange tension-like thing in the air between them.
His voice dropped a bit, got softer. "I know you're not them, Pads. I know. Well, I know the Pads I left wasn't like them and bloody wasn't ever likely to be. But I told you I can't see the differences when I look at you now. I haven't grown up with them. Though I guess no one here did. Still, no one besides Moony knows what a horror you look like first thing in the morning, all sticky up hair and bleary eyes."
James drew his hand back. He didn't want Padfoot forgetting again. But he didn't know how to make it stop. Still, if he couldn't quite climb back into bed....
James flicked his wand and concentrated to form a collar around Padfoot's throat.
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Finally, James's voice broke the silence, and Sirius felt a small swat on his backside. He wanted to turn around, to face James, but something inside him was forcing him to stay still. Maybe it was that Sirius needed something more reassuring than a tap on the arse and an explanation to make him feel comfortable again.
And there really was nothing Sirius could do about this problem except hope James would become accustomed to the marks that Azkaban and its Dementors had left on him. There was no way to turn back time for him. But he desperately wished there were, so that James would have at least one familiar face to look upon.
He exhaled a long, slow, shaky breath. And then he felt a familiar touch around his neck, a band lightly encircling his throat, but not in a restrictive, harmful sort of way. It was more like an embrace of sorts. And it carried with it a message that James knew he was hurting right now. This time, unfortunately, James was the cause of that hurt, even though Sirius knew he didn't mean to be.
Slowly, he rolled over to face James, although he kept his head tilted a bit downward, refusing to look James in the eye. "Twelve years, Prongs," he said hoarsely. "It wasn't easy. And I guess it shows. I'm sorry it's not what you remember and that everything is so different and that you didn't choose to be here." Then, finally looking up into James's face, he added, "But I'm really glad you're here, Prongs."
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Or at least he hoped it would be.
He sighed again, leaning back against the panel. "M'really tired, mate. It's all cocked up and well, I rather fancy a good nap. A proper nap." He glanced at the bed meaningfully. He wanted to be there, if there was a way.
He rubbed his head distractedly. Too much magic usage while drunk, he was having a killer reaction headache. James leaned over to pull the bell to bring a House-elf. Water and a cup of willow-bark tea is what he needed, now and another set when he woke up.
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It was one thing play around with things like this during sex, where the point of the restraints was to heighten and enhance the experience. This was something else entirely...and even if it were sex, Sirius honestly didn't know if he would be able to handle it. He hadn't done anything along those lines since before he had gone to Azkaban, and he was afraid that if he were to try it again, he might fall apart before even realising what was happening.
And this was new. James had never tried to keep him in check like this before. If Sirius hadn't been cluing in to just how lost, sad, and tired James was, despite James's efforts to appear calm and in control, he would probably have been angry about it. But how could he be when this strange behaviour was obviously the product of someone who was very confused, someone who was grieving for a life he had lost in a mere second, someone who might be breaking apart underneath his cool exterior? Sirius really wished there was something he could do to set James's mind at ease. But what James was asking, he just couldn't do.
"Prongs, no. I - Azkaban, Prongs. I can't. And there's no need for it. Relax for a moment. I'm not going to hurt you. Just earlier, I was - I was just trying to make you feel better, because you looked so sad. I mean, it's what we've always done, and...but I won't do that again if it bothers you, I promise." Sirius hated to make this promise, because it meant that something in their relationship was now different. But it was better than suffering the indignity of being tied up and then melting down because of it.
"Look, I want you to be here, and if you want to be here, too, then please...." Sirius trailed off and looked at the empty space next to him on the bed. "I won't even move unless you want me to. Nothing that you're not comfortable with." It was a tough balance between being there for James in the way he had always been and restraining himself from those actions because they now were upsetting to James. But Sirius would do his best to find it.
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The hovering spell vanished with a slight pop and James practically threw himself at his best friend. He'd forgotten too. Forgotten royally.
"Sorry, Padfoot. Bloody stupid of me. Total ponce. Didn't mean to... Bloody hell, it's not as if I can't just look at you and remember I just..."
James dived into the bed, curling into Sirius to hold him and apologise. He ended up burrowing, shaking the smallest bit, overwhelmed and ashamed. He should have known better, it was just...
The body in his arms was wrong, off by just enough. It wasn't what he needed. And he'd never realized how much he needed Padfoot as much as Padfoot needed him.
He could do with Sirius curled around him, telling him dirty jokes and that this had all been a horrid dream. Or just his own Sirius, here, making the whole 'have a son, don't get along with Lily who was his -wife-, debacle something more manageable.' No expectations, just friendship.
He sighed and shifted away, his hand trailing over Sirius' back. Maybe he should just get up and go to the other bed. Maybe they should just get used to not having this kind of closeness anymore. Maybe how close they used to be, no matter if it was thirteen days or thirteen years, was having expectations.
"Merlin's Beard, Padfoot. I...wish I could fix it. But at least I'm alive and I'm here. I'm here, Pads. And you're here. We'll lick this thing."
His hand went to his hair again and James sighed, but tried to hide it with a smile, pulling himself together, and trying not to feel threadbare.
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"'S okay, Prongs," Sirius said in a low voice. "I know you're...." He trailed off and just let James burrow into him, gingerly stroking James's back with a very light touch. When it came down to it, James would always understand.
And then James moved away a bit and the space next to Sirius was empty again. Not cold, at least, but empty. He let his hand drop to the blanket, cool and dry to the touch.
Turning over onto his back, Sirius stared up at the wooden canopy of the bed. "Yes, at least you're alive and here," he echoed. This was true, but right now Sirius's insides were aching that things were so different and that the both of them were hurting so much. "Prongs, if there were something I could do to fix it, anything, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't want to scare you away." He rubbed his hands over his face and then left them there, sighing heavily.
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His hand settled on Sirius' stomach, then traveled down. He couldn't handle Sirius touching him. But he knew what could help, would help, and if he couldn't accept it, he could give it.
James' fingers crept, slow but steady, the tips of his fingers felt hot.
"Alright there, Pads ?" James kept his voice low, a quiet whisper.
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But at least the inward swings were better than the outward ones, so when Sirius felt James move back towards him and put his head on Sirius's shoulder, he was more relieved than anything. He just hoped the situation wouldn't turn around again, or at least not anytime soon. He really needed a break, a long period of time where James felt comfortable, before everything reversed itself once more.
Sirius lowered his arm and placed it tentatively on James's shoulder, helping him settle into Sirius a bit. His touch was light and very gentle. Anything could set James off, and Sirius really didn't want to find himself hovering above the bed for the third time that night.
He remained silent for a bit. At this point, there was nothing to say. He just wanted to enjoy their closeness, the complete normalness of the situation. James's hand was warm on his stomach, and if they were to fall asleep just like that, Sirius would be perfectly content.
And then James's hand started to move. Down. At first, Sirius tensed up. He hadn't been aroused - far from it - and he was afraid that James might get spooked again after all. But as James's hand started to move further down, Sirius's heart started to beat faster, and his breaths quickened.
One thing he knew: Sudden moves were out of the question. So instead, he just lay back and let James do as he pleased.
He tried to answer James's question, but his voice got caught somewhere in his throat. He coughed slightly to clear it up and then whispered softly, "Yeah. You?"
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James was not content. He wanted his best friend back. He needed his best friend back. And the almost, but not quite of a few moments ago had hooked him to feel as wiry as the snitch.
His fingers moved knowingly. Sirius was bigger, but his reactions were the same. And there was a lot of comfort in that. It was just like before, knowing what made his friend's toes curl, and his voice go high.
Except it wasn't both of them, and the hand around his back, holding him close was a bit of a bloody tease. Cause what he really needed was to work off all the bloody tension, get back to naught.
He curled his leg around one of Sirius' tugging it to the side. This was alright, he could do this. He had to be able to do this without needing anything back. He'd upset Pads twice for the night already. He hated fighting with Padfoot, more than with anyone else. Things were always better when they were working as a team, settled and happy together. And maybe if Pads was calmer, he'd just slip there too.
James stroked, fingers easy and light but sure. "You normal, Pads ?"
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He allowed James to pull his leg over, although by this point even if he hadn't wanted it, he was unable to resist. James's hand was stroking and squeezing, and Sirius's mind was beginning to drift off, a complete slave to James's knowing touch. He exhaled again, but this time he couldn't help putting voice to it.
"Ahhhh, Prongs," he slurred, "not normal. Better. Please -" throwing his neck back as James's squeeze tightened, he panted a couple of times and then moaned " - don't stop, okay?" The leg James had tugged over twisted a bit, toes pressing against James's calf.
He arched up into James's hand and then back down again. Taking a deep breath, he tried to shut out the sensations for a moment so he could make them last longer. And then, in a small flash of clarity, he remembered their fragile situation and he tentatively lay his free hand on James's, the one that was stroking.
"Prongs," he breathed, "are you okay? I don't want you to if, you know, if you're not okay with it." He tried to prepare himself for the rejection. He could have just kept quiet about it, but it was better if he gave James the option to stop. It was a way of cushioning the blow for himself. He supposed he could just turn over and wank if that were the case, because at this point he couldn't just let things stop entirely. But James didn't have to be a part of it if he didn't want to.
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When Pads had first climbed into his bed last year, he'd never thought he could reach the point where it just felt bloody natural to have his own warm body in a bed. He'd never thought he'd have as many moments where he didn't have to be putting Pads back together again, that Padfoot - Sirius, would be the one reminding him to loosen up, that school wasn't over yet and until it was his life was his own.
His thumb flicked and circled and James smiled as Sirius arced. Maybe the odd gift in all this was that even if Padfoot looked different, there wasn't so much actual history between them that Pads was a different man. He knew this person.
And then Sirius' hand was over his, his voice tentative.
James squeezed the leg between his a touch harder than necessary. "Want to, y'tosser. Now shut up."
James dropped his hand lower, holding, rolling and squeezing gently to make his point. His shifted enough to change his grip on the shaft and stroked long and hard just as extra to make Sirius stop thinking.
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As James moved his hand lower, Sirius shifted his hips to accommodate him, groaning softly as James worked his fingers around. Then James adjusted his grip and started to tug in long, deliberate strokes, and although James had told him to shut up, Sirius could not help but start babbling.
"Prongs, Prongs, Prongs, please don't stop, you're driving me mad, Prongs, please, keep going, you're making me feel so good, Prongs, I don't think I could take it if you stop, Prongs, just the way you're doing it, you always - unnnnnnh, please keep going, Prongs, I really want you to...."
Almost automatically, Sirius started to twist up and around, reaching his free hand down towards James, ready to do the same for him - and then, through all the fog in his mind, he remembered his promise. He quickly dropped back down, free hand pinned to his side and the other one still loosely supporting James on his shoulder.
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James shifted his hips, but kept his head on Sirius' shoulder and stroked, closing his eyes again. He could almost pretend. Almost. Sirius groaned unexpectedly and James felt the familiar sound tug at him, eyes, throat and gut. He felt suddenly, voraciously homesick and had to bite his lip to stop a sound. It came out a grunt.
Part of him wondered if he should try. If he should risk it, just because nothing would feel better right now than letting go. He trusted Sirius. Padfoot would be there.
Shifting, James opened his eyes again, fingers still working with touches he didn't have to think about. He knew how to keep Sirius on the edge.
But all it took was one look, and it suddenly felt selfish to lean. Selfish and terrifying. Suppose he broke Pads?! Sirius had so much to deal with already. What Sirius needed was his best mate, his friend. What he needed was the same level and only the same level of where things were a while ago, before it suddenly seemed like the best part of James' life.
Unconsciously, James bit into the shoulder under his lips. A gentle half mouthing with teeth and his wrist twisted to try to end it sooner.
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