John McClane has entered the building
Current Application:
John McClane stumbles into the room. Bleeding. (Of course.) He wears khaki pants, a white undershirt, and the tattered and bloody remnants of short-sleeve grey shirt (probably purchased at a Wal-Mart). Besides his wallet (and embedded shrapnel), he carries a 9mm semi-automatic pistol with 5 rounds left.
The congregation in the dimly lit room watches with confusion. Except for one, seated at a table near the fireplace, who speaks, “Excellent. The Hat has been expecting you.”
John forces a smile on his panic-stricken face. He was not expecting this. Today has already turned into a bad day. And his headache is not getting any better. “Huh?”
The figure’s face is shadowed by a large pointed hat.
“John? John, come into the center of the room where we can all get a good look at you.”
John’s smile fades. He nervously looks around and shuffles towards the center of the room.
The figure speaks, “Let’s begin. What is your favourite cheese? And why is it your favourite?”
John furrows his brow, “What?”
“WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CHEESE? AND WHY IS IT YOUR FAVOURITE?”
Startled, John jumps a step back. He looks around at the others in the room. It is too poorly lit for him to see their expressions. As his eyes have not yet adjusted to the darkness, he anxiously answers.
“Uh…I guess mozzarella.”
The figure appears to nod. “Yes. And why?”
“Why?” John shiftily looks around. “Well, pizza and all. How-how do you know my name?”
“I’ll ask the questions, Mr. McClane.” The figure retorts. “Now, who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?”
“What?!” John asks.
The figure inhales deeply and begins, “WHO WOULD YOU-”
“I HEARD YOU!” John interrupts. “What does that have to do with anything?! Look, I just got a little lost. My kid- I’m picking up my kid for Christmas.” John begins backing towards the door. “She’s in Ravenclaw. Real bright. I’m just going to go-“
The figure sighs. “Mr. McClane, just answer the question please.” The door he came in slams shut. John whirls around to see a large piece of wood slide across the door barring it shut.
John turns back to face the figure. “Look, I just want to pick up my kid and get out of here. Who gives a fuck what kind of cheese I like?”
“We do. Anyway, we’ve covered that already. We’re on to question two. Now, who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?” the voice asks amicably.
“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “Barney?”
“Good choice, Mr. McClane.” The shadowed figure continues, “What time is it where you are from?”
John opens his mouth, and then closes it. He looks down at his watch, “12:42pm.”
“Excellent.” The figure continues on, “If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them?”
“Order of Phoenix?” John narrows his eyes. “I heard about you guys. You’re supposed to be the magical world’s Navy Seals or something? This is some kind of game or something? Some code? Cause I don’t get it!”
The figure shifts in it’s seat. “I can assure you Mr. McClane, this is no game or code. Just answer the question, If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them?”
John purses his lips, furrows his brow, and nods. “If I was-Albus Dumbledore, the dead principle? Who would I SEXUALLY HARASS?”
“Now there is no need to yell. John, just- John?”
John darts to the door and tries to lift the bar from the door. As it is impossibly heavy due to magic, he begins kicking at the door.
The figure sighs and casts a spell. John is pulled hind end first back to the center of the room. He sweeps the room with a crazed look.
“R-Right. Okay. Who would I, if I was Albus Dumbledore, sexually harass?” John chokes out distantly.
The figure eagerly nods. “Yes, and how.”
John chews on his bottom lip for a moment. Then he reaches in shirt and pulls out his gun. He whirls around and points it at a shadowy figure behind him. The group gasps and exclaims in surprise.
“I don’t know how you did it motherfucker! But I am not going to let you fuck up my day again! HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! You hear me Hans?” A smile creeps across John’s face, making his appearance that much more crazed.
A disdainful voice cuts thru the silence, “Oh must we suffer this fool?”
John smiles and nods, “Yeah, you do. How’d you do it? I watched you splatter all over the sidewalk. The coroner collected you with a spatula. Since my daughter came here I’ve learned a lot about you people, but you can’t not die.”
“I am not dead. I have no idea what you speak of. And please refrain from using double negatives.” Displeasure comes off Hogwart’s potionmaster in waves. “Will someone please disarm him?”
“Oh no you don’t. Mubble or not, I’m still a cop. And you are so fucked.” John gestures with his gun as he talks, but keeps it pointed at Professor Snape.
“A muggle.” Snape corrects him.
“What?” John asks confused.
“You are a muggle. And I have had enough of this.” Snape pulls out his wand. Before he can cast a shot rings out in the dungeon classroom. The group gasps and exclaims. John is immobulused and expelleramoused several times from different corners of the room.
“OW!” Snape yells. “You filthy muggle!” Snape raises his wand. The figure who had been questioning John steps between the two of them and states steadily, “Severus, go to the infirmary. We’ll take care of this.”
“But…” his face falls with shock.
“Go. You’re bleeding.” The figure turns to face the magically imprisoned John McClane. The large hat still shadows the figure’s face. “You still have to answer two more questions Mr. McClane.”
John pants as the bonds constrict him. “Wha-“ He pause. “Fine. If you’ll answer some of my questions. How long have you been harboring Grubber? How could you let him near children? He’s a monster? You HEAR me! You let a murderer near MY CHILD!”
The large hatted figure returns to the chair near the fireplace. “Hmm…that is definitely not the answer to the question I was going to ask you.”
John looks up at the ceiling and sighs. He hops around a bit to keep his balance.
“Now, what house are you interested in being in?” the figure asks calmly.
John looks towards his integrator, “Yeah, now we’re getting somewhere. I want to be in Ravenclaw. Bring me to Ravenclaw house so I can pick up my little girl and get out of here.” John hops again to keep his balance.
“Okay. You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.” The figure leans back in the chair.
John laughs, “I don’t know. Please tell me what the answer is. I really want to know.”
The figure shifts in the chair and faces the fire place. John thinks he can faintly make out a silhouette but the shadow turns to face him again before he can study it. “Hmm…It appears it will remain a mystery Mr. McClane. Now, one more bit of business. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.”
John hops uncomfortably. “I can offer anyone anything. Even things that aren’t mine?”
The figure nods. The large hat flops with each movement.
“Squibbing sounds pretty unpleasant.” He mutters, “Not that this is pleasant.” John hops around and looks at the ceiling for a moment before he continues, “Well, you can have anything you want. I can offer a sound ass kicking for that asshole you just let leave. And-and a truck load of Twinkies. Maybe a ham on rye from Mickey’s. He’s got the best sandwiches. Money? You guys like money? No, not here in upside down whacko land. You like green eggs and ham?”
“Now there’s no need to be abusive.” The figure muses, “Money will do just fine.”
The End.
I don't have time to contribute regularly and keep up with ya'll. But I felt this need to be shared in a forum that would appreciate it. Later. Maybe after I get done with gradskule shite...Maybe.