The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

[panic_bad]

ETA: The Guide recognizes that, as some of you may be aware, the Guide was at some point materially involved with an incident involving the destruction of the planet known as "Earth" in all then-accessible timelines. While we are quite pleased to see that this destruction was incomplete, we would like to take this opportunity to note that the

Comments

[panic_bad]

There is no entry for "Rescue Racer". Are you looking for information on the "Raunchy Racers" solar-flare-surfing syndicate from the Betelgeuse system? (Our recommendation: avoid lending gas, keys, or hands, and be aware that all RR members and their guests have been pre-emptively and retroactively banned from the Daedalus Club. Also known towel thieves.) Or would you like to know about Rescue Robots brand severe-situation personnel extraction androids? (Our recommendation: avoid the Genuine People Personalities-equipped models, which have known tendencies towards depression and/or bad puns, due perhaps to excessive installed processor power and energy supply.)

Also, we at the Guide would like to offer our non-monetary gratitude to any entity (whether biological or felt-based) which could be convinced to indicate where we currently are and why the above-completed questionnaire seemed so irresistible. We will refrain from implying that a team of highly-trained Guide reporters armed with Kill-O-Zap (tm) guns are descending on this location if you refrain from pointing out that our reporters are all far too lazy and generally incompetent to be much of a threat anyway.

[pufnstuf]

Puf puzzled that through, his right pupil whizzing clockwise at great speed while his left just sort of sat there. He opened his enormous maw for a moment as though to speak, hesitated, attempted to rub his nose, failed because his tiny arms were way too short, and then pointed importantly at the blue ribbon bisecting his middle. "I'm th' Mayor of Livin' Island!" he hollered, and if the pitch of his voice seemed to waver between a statement and a question, it would be kinder not to mention it.

He felt around for the large plastic button dangling from the ribbon which he knew, though he had never seen it as his chin was in the way, declared "Mayor" in frilly scroll. Sure now of his ground, Puf went on. "And th' head of Sparklypoo house at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft an' Wizardry. But don't let that worry you none, Jimmy. Th' witches here are nice, not evil like Witchiepoo. Their clothes stay on better too. Most of the time," he added conscientiously, because Puf was the Mayor. And Mayors always tell the truth.

Speaking of which: "You look like Jimmy. If Jimmy was a book." He tilted his head to the left, which had the general effect of making him look as though he was in imminent danger of toppling over. "I b'lieve I'll have a Rescue Robot, please. People around here sure do need rescuing, 'n I ain't got Cling 'n Clang just now." He patted himself over as though feeling in his pockets, of which he had exactly none. "Nope," was the sad conclusion.

[panic_bad]

The Guide is honestly skeptical as to how to parse "clothes stay[ing] on better". In the experience of the editors, "better" in this context usually amounts to "for a shorter period of time", which seems to contradict the tone in which this context placed that particular grammatical construction. Perhaps babelfish noncooperation is to blame; several editors of the Guide have complained in the past that their personal babelfish are either prudes or plotting galactic domination. Or both.

"Most customers prefer to contact the manufacturers of Rescue Robots (tm) directly, but should the aspiring owner lack a standard interplanetary communications relay, Thumb, or the traditional degree of patience and multi-century lifespan, the Guide might be convinced to broker the transaction in exchange for certain standard considerations. The full text of those considerations is available upon request, though most customers find it unnecessary to peruse the fine print."

[pufnstuf]

Puf laughed, a process bewildering to watch. "Naw, see, whut happened was, Freddy made the castle explode, and Witchiepoo's clothes flew off too. That was funny. An' then we had a concert. But this castle don't explode none, an' mostly folks keep their clothes on." Puf began to look dangerously meditative. "I bet, though, if we could get a loud enough whistle..."

[panic_bad]

Would the whistle in question be a step towards causing this castle (this is a castle?) to explode, or a step towards mass nudity? If it's the latter, we might turn this planet into a must-visit hitchhiking destination. We could even commission a commemorative cocktail to be known as the "loud enough whistle" -- guaranteed to cause clothes to be shed! (Well, more so than cocktails generally.)

[pufnstuf]

Puf gave a sigh of happiness. This Jimmy was the Jimmy-est so far! "I like you, Jimmy!" he bellowed, reaching out his little arms for a hug.

"You c'n be in my house! Sparklypoo!"

((Puf-mun would like to apologize for this vote. Nobody really wants to be in Sparklypoo. But try telling Puf that. :D However, if it makes Guide-mun feel any better at all, Puf has plans for opening a hookah bar in the Sparklypoo common room.))

[panic_bad]

Hugs are always welcome, but may be a bit difficult between an entity with small arms and a combination book and quasi-sapient simulated entity with no arms. The gesture is accepted nonetheless.

((Guide-mun has rather suspected that there would be at least one Sparklypoo vote involved in this process. Also, why should Ravenclaw be the only house with mind-altering substances offered in the common room?))

[panic_bad]

((Actually, to be perfectly fair, a combination of the Guide-as-character from Mostly Harmless with the Guide as a collection of articles by lazy partiers from the first four books of the Trilogy could just as well be sorted into Bitchiwitch or Tootsitramp. There's a reason that the Guide works best as a source of quasi-author-avatar commentary rather than an active character.))