DETHTOWER has arrived!
As the first day of the year dawns, crudely-lettered posters appear around the school. These posters contain almost nothing aside from their cryptic lettering.
It is a New Year for humans.
The Stars Are Right!
for
DETHTOWER
FOLLOW THE SIGNS
Enjoy DETHTOWER.
(The bottom of each sign contains an arrow, pointing in a direction that will lead to another sign, with another arrow, and so on, until reaching a large sign which now stands upon the school grounds.)
It had been promised many months ago. Certain elements of plan had changed- it was certainly not atop the tower of House Hufflepuff- but, nevertheless, it had now come into being. Stone by stone it had risen, its name given by Nathan Explosion, its construction hidden by the odd angle at which the architectural monstrosity was set in regards to normal, three-dimensional space.
Their initial idea had been relatively simple- a laser mounted atop Hufflepuff Tower. But then, the Shoggies had realized that they did not know how to build a laser- fortunately, Lezard came to their rescue with some blueprints. These blueprints, being filled with windmills and extra components as they were, necessitated a more complex idea than the original one. The Shoggies had used the blueprints as a foundation, building upon it with their own strange notions.
To say their results were strange would be an understatement. The structure is not obvious by a simple glance at the school grounds, only evidenced as something indescribably odd in the general vicinity of McGraw tower and T. Rex's quonset hut. But, if a student were to approach these structures, they would find a sign. A large sign is carved in stone, reading 'DETHTOWER IS HERE. STAND ON THE X AND LOOK THIS WAY.' There is a very large "X" carved into a flat piece of stone set into the ground before the sign, while the sign itself it marked with an arrow. A student choosing to stand on the "X" while facing in the direction of the arrow would see the path open up before them, leading into the interdimensional space in which the Shoggies had constructed the DETHTOWER. Incidentally, the Shoggies capitalized the entire name deliberately, insisting that each letter was as important as the one following or proceeding it.
A student choosing to follow this path, despite the glimpse it gives of the non-euclidean monstrosity that was the DETHTOWER, will soon find themselves standing before an absurdly huge, and utterly impossible structure. Another immense placard stands before it, containing metallic lettering laid within dark stone- the Shoggies had in fact created the lettering from meteorites given to them by Skwisgaar and Toki for Christmas. The sign reads, "DETHTOWER. YOU ARE WELCOME. BEWARE OF LASERS, WINDMILLS, BOTTOMLESS PITS, REALLY SHARP SPIKES, LOTS OF TRAPS, ACID LAKES, SHARP SLICEY STUFF, FALLING STUFF, MOVING SHADOWS, BYAKHEES, AND THE SHINING TRAPEZOHEDRON."
The DETHTOWER itself illustrates the accuracy of the sign. It is indeed a tower- if a 'tower' can consist of countless towers, seemingly attached to some central bulk by angles that shouldn't have existed. The windmills, if they can truly be called such, are immense, insane things- the Shoggies have interpreted the blades of a windmill quite literally, and covered most of the building's impossible faces with these constructs. Metallic, shining, and sharp, each windmill's blades resemble those of a weapon, but greatly increased in size. Spinning swords, scythe-blades, axe-heads, all of these are represented amongst the array of whirling architectural accents. The lasers, which are mounted to various pivoting parts on the exterior, are abundant, and fixed in what appear to be entirely random locations. That the DETHTOWER is located within its own small pocket dimension within that of Hogwarts is the only reason why the grounds in its vicinity have not been entirely torched. The small area surrounding the DETHTOWER within its pocket dimension still has a few patches of vegetation, but, it doesn't seem likely that these will experience a long life. Luckily, the lasers do not shoot directly downward, and thus the huge covered entrance patio appears to be relatively safe.
This entrance to the DETHTOWER is located on ground level, yet approached by a broad flight of stairs. This is only the first architectural abnormality amongst many to be encountered by those who might choose to pass into the DETHTOWER's Escherian domain. The large metal doors bear yet another warning. "DETHTOWER IS NOT RESPONSIBLES FOR CAUSING INJURIES OR DEATH OR INSANITY. YOU WAIVE YOUR LIFE AND SANITY WHEN YOU ENTER DETHTOWER." These words (including the extra 's') had been contributed by Skwisgaar and Toki's 'eyesball throw-up children', Shoggies 3, 4.6, 10, and 18. Beneath these words is an etching of a Shoggy, with a 'word bubble' like etching over its head, reading "ASK US ABOUT A GUIDED TOUR! SEE THE SHINING TRAPEZOHEDRON!" Mounted to the left of the doors is a large box, with a hole in the top, along with a sign reading, "DETHTOWER DONATIONS. WE WILL TAKE MONEY OR CHIKEN OR ANYTHING ELSE." To the right of the doors there is a large stand containing many identical pamphlets. The stand is enchanted to replicate these pamphlets, ensuring their constant availability.
These thick pamphlets are all labeled DETHTOWER!, and feature a much-less madness inducing image of the DETHTOWER on the front, made by Toki Wartooth (and signed as such in a corner). The original had been made of construction paper cut outs, and, the original pamphlets had been Xeroxed by him during a brief trip to Mordhaus for the purpose. The pamphlet's contents were typed out by a group of Shoggies at the school compy lab, and the print-outs had been cobbled together by Toki into some vaguely sensible format. The first page states "DETHTOWER IS EXCITEMENT. DETHTOWER IS WINDMILLS AND TREASURES. DETHTOWER IS FUN WITH SPACE AND TIME.", while the second consists of another life waiver. The third page is a Shoggy's attempt at mapping out the first floor of the DETHTOWER via ASCII characters- it is not at all informative. Several more pages follow in this fashion, all about as useless as the proceeding one.
The next pages detail several special features contained within the DETHTOWER, and several of these contain badly-taken, rather crooked photographs of the locations described. Amongst these are a "Forest of the Black Goat", whose accompanying photograph is severely tilted, and contains a multitude of Yule trees stuffed around an effigy vaguely reminiscent of Baphomet, but, much more alien. A Shoggy has ended up in the frame, dwarfed by one of the Yule trees, suggesting that the size of these items is in fact abnormally large. Something else is in the photograph as well, or part of something else. The identity of this ropey and inexplicable something is entirely unclear from the badly-focused photograph, but, the page does state, "Come to see the Black Goat's young! SOOO CUTE!"
Another image depicts what appears to be a hallway of indeterminate length. The floor is covered in what appears to be ice and packed snow. Only the foreground is at all in focus, and the walls can be seen to contain complex hieroglyphics and images, with Shoggies as a repetitive theme. A Shoggy in the foreground gives some idea of the hall's immensity, while a few man-sized albino penguins can be seen nearby. The text accompanying this image calls it "The Hall of Shoggy History, with penguins", and informs the reader, "We share our history with you! Then you can look at the penguins. We did not eat them all."
One small image depicts what appears to be nothing at all, or, any number of possible horrors in the complete absence of lighting. This place is titled, "The Room of Mysteries", and the text accompanying it asks, "Is it a Dhole? Is it a Grue? We don't know! Can you can find out what lives in the Room of Mysteries? (No lights are allowed. Shoggy will take them before you go in!)".
The next page contains a collage of various pictures, some showing boxes and chests with very questionable angles and geometry. "Treasures and Traps! Find them!" exhorts the text at the top, while several pictures depict what appear to be very unsafe contraptions involving blades and spikes, while others show pits full of acid or fire or apparent emptiness. Another small block of text indicates that, "Odds of finding a trap are better than finding a treasure. The treasures are sooo cool! Some treasures are cooler than others. There is a Necronomicon! Maybe there are two." A little Shoggy with a speech-bubble is drawn in the corner, saying, "One free treasure with guided tour!"
Yet another image depicts a huge, vaulted chamber, with far too many corners to be possible, containing a squid-headed effigy with a number of stone blocks, just the right size to contain a human sacrifice, positioned around the effigy's feet. Lettering comprising the word "FHTAGN" covers the front of raised pedestal containing the effigy. This location is labeled as "Temple of Great Master Cthulhoo", and suggests that visitors please bring a sacrifice if possible, or at least some sandwiches. At the bottom of the page, there is a small note in bold lettering. "SOME BYAKHEE GOT IN SO BE CAREFUL. Remember, we have guided tours!" Dark, unclear, fluttery shapes in the shadowy upper reaches of the image hint at what these byakhee might be.
The final image in the illustrated section depicts another wide area of blackness, with faint, somewhat off-centered glow, evidently being emitted by some sort of box on a pedestal. The pinkish lump of a Shoggy is barely noticeable at the edge of the light, and its size in comparison with the pedestal suggests that it is of perfectly normal size. This room is evidently a favorite of its creators, with its lettering taking up two pages of the pamphlet, and calling it "THE SHINING TRAPEZOHEDRON! The Heart of DETHTOWER. See EVERYTHING. IA NYARLY! IA 'ZATOTH! Don't forget your flashlight!" This page includes a repetition of the life and sanity waiver, as well as a little drawing of a Shoggy containing a speech bubble which says, "If you want to see the Shining Trapezohedron, remember to ask for the guided tour! Shining Trapezohedron is only for the Guided Tour! There are magic lights but we will provide more lights."
Another page lists a series of bullet points detailing other features of the structure, such as:
- Enjoy sooo many hallways!
- Crazy stairs room bends human notions of space and gravity!
- DETHTOWER power core! Sooo green and glowy. Might mutate humans. We don't know!
- Make your own Cthulhoo icon in the crafts-room!
- Have sandwiches! There is a sandwich-and-hats-table in the entrance hall.
Next to the stand containing these detailed pamphlets, a small kiosk has been erected, manned by several Shoggies. (The Shoggies have agreed amongst themselves to rotate operation of this kiosk.) This kiosk is clearly labeled, "GUIDED TOURS! 3 galleons. 1 galleon discount for cultists!"
((The DETHTOWER is of course entirely unsafe, but still under the usual Hogwarts no-death enchantment. A Shoggy will be happy to take a character to a desired area if asked nicely and paid for the Guided Tour. Feel free to handwave this if you don't want to bother actually threading with the Shoggies. Likewise, if a character gets lost in the DETHTOWER, there are many lurking Shoggies, and one will take them out of the maze if asked and treated nicely. Without the Guided Tour, the place is impossible huge, disobeys the known laws of space, physics, and time, is filled with random Lovecraftian monsters & traps, and is pretty much incomprehensible, maddening, etc. Your basic Lovecraftian Funhouse. =D It's still maddening with the Guided Tour, but, the Shoggies at least know where it's safe to walk. Good times!
The Shining Trapezohedron does have a couple of specific effects, but magical lighting + Shoggies with flashlights assure that it will only serve as a maddening window into all space and time. The Shoggies asked Lezard to help them with putting just about every anti-theft charm possible on the Shining Trapezohedron, and also keep a constant watch on it. The treasure chests scattered around the DETHTOWER contain either various Lovecraftian effigies/artifacts/books, or more frequently, shiny junk the Shoggies thought was good for a treasure, and these are not under enchantment. Anything 'good' is behind at least one or more traps, and probably some byakhee or generic tentacle monsters of the mindless, tentacle-only variety. The Shoggies aren't much concerned about these, having accidentally infested the place with far more than they intended, but, they insist that the Black Goat's spawn and the giant albino penguins be left alone as part of the 'exhibits'. =D ))
It is a New Year for humans.
The Stars Are Right!
for
DETHTOWER
FOLLOW THE SIGNS
Enjoy DETHTOWER.
(The bottom of each sign contains an arrow, pointing in a direction that will lead to another sign, with another arrow, and so on, until reaching a large sign which now stands upon the school grounds.)
It had been promised many months ago. Certain elements of plan had changed- it was certainly not atop the tower of House Hufflepuff- but, nevertheless, it had now come into being. Stone by stone it had risen, its name given by Nathan Explosion, its construction hidden by the odd angle at which the architectural monstrosity was set in regards to normal, three-dimensional space.
Their initial idea had been relatively simple- a laser mounted atop Hufflepuff Tower. But then, the Shoggies had realized that they did not know how to build a laser- fortunately, Lezard came to their rescue with some blueprints. These blueprints, being filled with windmills and extra components as they were, necessitated a more complex idea than the original one. The Shoggies had used the blueprints as a foundation, building upon it with their own strange notions.
To say their results were strange would be an understatement. The structure is not obvious by a simple glance at the school grounds, only evidenced as something indescribably odd in the general vicinity of McGraw tower and T. Rex's quonset hut. But, if a student were to approach these structures, they would find a sign. A large sign is carved in stone, reading 'DETHTOWER IS HERE. STAND ON THE X AND LOOK THIS WAY.' There is a very large "X" carved into a flat piece of stone set into the ground before the sign, while the sign itself it marked with an arrow. A student choosing to stand on the "X" while facing in the direction of the arrow would see the path open up before them, leading into the interdimensional space in which the Shoggies had constructed the DETHTOWER. Incidentally, the Shoggies capitalized the entire name deliberately, insisting that each letter was as important as the one following or proceeding it.
A student choosing to follow this path, despite the glimpse it gives of the non-euclidean monstrosity that was the DETHTOWER, will soon find themselves standing before an absurdly huge, and utterly impossible structure. Another immense placard stands before it, containing metallic lettering laid within dark stone- the Shoggies had in fact created the lettering from meteorites given to them by Skwisgaar and Toki for Christmas. The sign reads, "DETHTOWER. YOU ARE WELCOME. BEWARE OF LASERS, WINDMILLS, BOTTOMLESS PITS, REALLY SHARP SPIKES, LOTS OF TRAPS, ACID LAKES, SHARP SLICEY STUFF, FALLING STUFF, MOVING SHADOWS, BYAKHEES, AND THE SHINING TRAPEZOHEDRON."
The DETHTOWER itself illustrates the accuracy of the sign. It is indeed a tower- if a 'tower' can consist of countless towers, seemingly attached to some central bulk by angles that shouldn't have existed. The windmills, if they can truly be called such, are immense, insane things- the Shoggies have interpreted the blades of a windmill quite literally, and covered most of the building's impossible faces with these constructs. Metallic, shining, and sharp, each windmill's blades resemble those of a weapon, but greatly increased in size. Spinning swords, scythe-blades, axe-heads, all of these are represented amongst the array of whirling architectural accents. The lasers, which are mounted to various pivoting parts on the exterior, are abundant, and fixed in what appear to be entirely random locations. That the DETHTOWER is located within its own small pocket dimension within that of Hogwarts is the only reason why the grounds in its vicinity have not been entirely torched. The small area surrounding the DETHTOWER within its pocket dimension still has a few patches of vegetation, but, it doesn't seem likely that these will experience a long life. Luckily, the lasers do not shoot directly downward, and thus the huge covered entrance patio appears to be relatively safe.
This entrance to the DETHTOWER is located on ground level, yet approached by a broad flight of stairs. This is only the first architectural abnormality amongst many to be encountered by those who might choose to pass into the DETHTOWER's Escherian domain. The large metal doors bear yet another warning. "DETHTOWER IS NOT RESPONSIBLES FOR CAUSING INJURIES OR DEATH OR INSANITY. YOU WAIVE YOUR LIFE AND SANITY WHEN YOU ENTER DETHTOWER." These words (including the extra 's') had been contributed by Skwisgaar and Toki's 'eyesball throw-up children', Shoggies 3, 4.6, 10, and 18. Beneath these words is an etching of a Shoggy, with a 'word bubble' like etching over its head, reading "ASK US ABOUT A GUIDED TOUR! SEE THE SHINING TRAPEZOHEDRON!" Mounted to the left of the doors is a large box, with a hole in the top, along with a sign reading, "DETHTOWER DONATIONS. WE WILL TAKE MONEY OR CHIKEN OR ANYTHING ELSE." To the right of the doors there is a large stand containing many identical pamphlets. The stand is enchanted to replicate these pamphlets, ensuring their constant availability.
These thick pamphlets are all labeled DETHTOWER!, and feature a much-less madness inducing image of the DETHTOWER on the front, made by Toki Wartooth (and signed as such in a corner). The original had been made of construction paper cut outs, and, the original pamphlets had been Xeroxed by him during a brief trip to Mordhaus for the purpose. The pamphlet's contents were typed out by a group of Shoggies at the school compy lab, and the print-outs had been cobbled together by Toki into some vaguely sensible format. The first page states "DETHTOWER IS EXCITEMENT. DETHTOWER IS WINDMILLS AND TREASURES. DETHTOWER IS FUN WITH SPACE AND TIME.", while the second consists of another life waiver. The third page is a Shoggy's attempt at mapping out the first floor of the DETHTOWER via ASCII characters- it is not at all informative. Several more pages follow in this fashion, all about as useless as the proceeding one.
The next pages detail several special features contained within the DETHTOWER, and several of these contain badly-taken, rather crooked photographs of the locations described. Amongst these are a "Forest of the Black Goat", whose accompanying photograph is severely tilted, and contains a multitude of Yule trees stuffed around an effigy vaguely reminiscent of Baphomet, but, much more alien. A Shoggy has ended up in the frame, dwarfed by one of the Yule trees, suggesting that the size of these items is in fact abnormally large. Something else is in the photograph as well, or part of something else. The identity of this ropey and inexplicable something is entirely unclear from the badly-focused photograph, but, the page does state, "Come to see the Black Goat's young! SOOO CUTE!"
Another image depicts what appears to be a hallway of indeterminate length. The floor is covered in what appears to be ice and packed snow. Only the foreground is at all in focus, and the walls can be seen to contain complex hieroglyphics and images, with Shoggies as a repetitive theme. A Shoggy in the foreground gives some idea of the hall's immensity, while a few man-sized albino penguins can be seen nearby. The text accompanying this image calls it "The Hall of Shoggy History, with penguins", and informs the reader, "We share our history with you! Then you can look at the penguins. We did not eat them all."
One small image depicts what appears to be nothing at all, or, any number of possible horrors in the complete absence of lighting. This place is titled, "The Room of Mysteries", and the text accompanying it asks, "Is it a Dhole? Is it a Grue? We don't know! Can you can find out what lives in the Room of Mysteries? (No lights are allowed. Shoggy will take them before you go in!)".
The next page contains a collage of various pictures, some showing boxes and chests with very questionable angles and geometry. "Treasures and Traps! Find them!" exhorts the text at the top, while several pictures depict what appear to be very unsafe contraptions involving blades and spikes, while others show pits full of acid or fire or apparent emptiness. Another small block of text indicates that, "Odds of finding a trap are better than finding a treasure. The treasures are sooo cool! Some treasures are cooler than others. There is a Necronomicon! Maybe there are two." A little Shoggy with a speech-bubble is drawn in the corner, saying, "One free treasure with guided tour!"
Yet another image depicts a huge, vaulted chamber, with far too many corners to be possible, containing a squid-headed effigy with a number of stone blocks, just the right size to contain a human sacrifice, positioned around the effigy's feet. Lettering comprising the word "FHTAGN" covers the front of raised pedestal containing the effigy. This location is labeled as "Temple of Great Master Cthulhoo", and suggests that visitors please bring a sacrifice if possible, or at least some sandwiches. At the bottom of the page, there is a small note in bold lettering. "SOME BYAKHEE GOT IN SO BE CAREFUL. Remember, we have guided tours!" Dark, unclear, fluttery shapes in the shadowy upper reaches of the image hint at what these byakhee might be.
The final image in the illustrated section depicts another wide area of blackness, with faint, somewhat off-centered glow, evidently being emitted by some sort of box on a pedestal. The pinkish lump of a Shoggy is barely noticeable at the edge of the light, and its size in comparison with the pedestal suggests that it is of perfectly normal size. This room is evidently a favorite of its creators, with its lettering taking up two pages of the pamphlet, and calling it "THE SHINING TRAPEZOHEDRON! The Heart of DETHTOWER. See EVERYTHING. IA NYARLY! IA 'ZATOTH! Don't forget your flashlight!" This page includes a repetition of the life and sanity waiver, as well as a little drawing of a Shoggy containing a speech bubble which says, "If you want to see the Shining Trapezohedron, remember to ask for the guided tour! Shining Trapezohedron is only for the Guided Tour! There are magic lights but we will provide more lights."
Another page lists a series of bullet points detailing other features of the structure, such as:
- Enjoy sooo many hallways!
- Crazy stairs room bends human notions of space and gravity!
- DETHTOWER power core! Sooo green and glowy. Might mutate humans. We don't know!
- Make your own Cthulhoo icon in the crafts-room!
- Have sandwiches! There is a sandwich-and-hats-table in the entrance hall.
Next to the stand containing these detailed pamphlets, a small kiosk has been erected, manned by several Shoggies. (The Shoggies have agreed amongst themselves to rotate operation of this kiosk.) This kiosk is clearly labeled, "GUIDED TOURS! 3 galleons. 1 galleon discount for cultists!"
((The DETHTOWER is of course entirely unsafe, but still under the usual Hogwarts no-death enchantment. A Shoggy will be happy to take a character to a desired area if asked nicely and paid for the Guided Tour. Feel free to handwave this if you don't want to bother actually threading with the Shoggies. Likewise, if a character gets lost in the DETHTOWER, there are many lurking Shoggies, and one will take them out of the maze if asked and treated nicely. Without the Guided Tour, the place is impossible huge, disobeys the known laws of space, physics, and time, is filled with random Lovecraftian monsters & traps, and is pretty much incomprehensible, maddening, etc. Your basic Lovecraftian Funhouse. =D It's still maddening with the Guided Tour, but, the Shoggies at least know where it's safe to walk. Good times!
The Shining Trapezohedron does have a couple of specific effects, but magical lighting + Shoggies with flashlights assure that it will only serve as a maddening window into all space and time. The Shoggies asked Lezard to help them with putting just about every anti-theft charm possible on the Shining Trapezohedron, and also keep a constant watch on it. The treasure chests scattered around the DETHTOWER contain either various Lovecraftian effigies/artifacts/books, or more frequently, shiny junk the Shoggies thought was good for a treasure, and these are not under enchantment. Anything 'good' is behind at least one or more traps, and probably some byakhee or generic tentacle monsters of the mindless, tentacle-only variety. The Shoggies aren't much concerned about these, having accidentally infested the place with far more than they intended, but, they insist that the Black Goat's spawn and the giant albino penguins be left alone as part of the 'exhibits'. =D ))