Application: Mike Warner, Walkyverse comics
As Mike backed through the door, his arms full of a large cardboard box, his first thought was that someone was playing an impressively bad practical joke. This was quickly dismissed, though, for two reasons. In the first place, he rather doubted even Ultra Car had the ambition to pull off turning the stockroom into a medieval castle, and in the second, he was pretty sure that most of the people at the store knew better than to target him if they felt prankish. It just wasn't worth it.
So that probably meant something weird was going on. Mike could handle that. Being abducted by aliens as a toddler, given super-human strength and endurance, and growing up to be part of a secret government taskforce to fight said aliens would do that to a person. Not to mention working retail. He dropped the box in a way that would probably have made several of his coworkers wince, and ambled over to look at the application. The quill skittered away from him, showing a remarkable sense of self preservation for a writing implement.
State your full name.
“Mike Warner.”
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Mike briefly considered a cryptic reference to a certain eons-old, night-omnipotent cyborg, and decided that had a better chance of pissing people off if they actually knew what he was talking about.
“Swiss. It's full of holes. Like your mom.”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
“Oh wow, I'm so glad I got kidnapped in the middle of my shift so I can answer inane hypothetical questions.”
Mike paused for a moment, glaring at the quill, and then added, “Unless you're serious. Then Barney, definitely. I'm sure the kids will thank me. Eventually.”
3. What time is it where you are?
“I don't know exactly what time it is, but I know I'm late for an appointment with someone's self-esteem.”
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
It was perhaps a little troubling how quickly Mike was able to answer this one.
“Harassing Mundungus Fletcher would probably be the most efficient way to make everyone in the Order uncomfortable.”
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Honestly? Even for the king of “your mom” jokes, this was a little too easy.
“Your mom bartends in the dark. And by bartend I mean has sex with random people. For a nickel.”
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
“Harry should sleep with both of them for about six months, then break up with them claiming that he thought they were one guy and that he's got a multiple personality disorder fetish.”
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Mike looked at the question for a very long moment. The quill started to wiggle helpfully, as if to remind him of what he had been doing, and he glared at it until it stopped moving.
“Seriously? Next question.”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
With a sigh, Mike started listing things in a bored monotone, ticking them off on his fingers.
“I work two retail jobs. I have super-human strength and endurance. I totally did your mom last night, but then so did everyone else. I used to be a secret government alien fighter until I died.”
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
“I've got this box of toys. Mostly action figures, brand new, mint on card. You can go through it and see if there's anything you want, but I already took out all the valuable ones to sell on E-bay.”
I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _your mom___
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _your mom___.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _your mom___.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _your mom___
So that probably meant something weird was going on. Mike could handle that. Being abducted by aliens as a toddler, given super-human strength and endurance, and growing up to be part of a secret government taskforce to fight said aliens would do that to a person. Not to mention working retail. He dropped the box in a way that would probably have made several of his coworkers wince, and ambled over to look at the application. The quill skittered away from him, showing a remarkable sense of self preservation for a writing implement.
State your full name.
“Mike Warner.”
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Mike briefly considered a cryptic reference to a certain eons-old, night-omnipotent cyborg, and decided that had a better chance of pissing people off if they actually knew what he was talking about.
“Swiss. It's full of holes. Like your mom.”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
“Oh wow, I'm so glad I got kidnapped in the middle of my shift so I can answer inane hypothetical questions.”
Mike paused for a moment, glaring at the quill, and then added, “Unless you're serious. Then Barney, definitely. I'm sure the kids will thank me. Eventually.”
3. What time is it where you are?
“I don't know exactly what time it is, but I know I'm late for an appointment with someone's self-esteem.”
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
It was perhaps a little troubling how quickly Mike was able to answer this one.
“Harassing Mundungus Fletcher would probably be the most efficient way to make everyone in the Order uncomfortable.”
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Honestly? Even for the king of “your mom” jokes, this was a little too easy.
“Your mom bartends in the dark. And by bartend I mean has sex with random people. For a nickel.”
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
“Harry should sleep with both of them for about six months, then break up with them claiming that he thought they were one guy and that he's got a multiple personality disorder fetish.”
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Mike looked at the question for a very long moment. The quill started to wiggle helpfully, as if to remind him of what he had been doing, and he glared at it until it stopped moving.
“Seriously? Next question.”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
With a sigh, Mike started listing things in a bored monotone, ticking them off on his fingers.
“I work two retail jobs. I have super-human strength and endurance. I totally did your mom last night, but then so did everyone else. I used to be a secret government alien fighter until I died.”
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
“I've got this box of toys. Mostly action figures, brand new, mint on card. You can go through it and see if there's anything you want, but I already took out all the valuable ones to sell on E-bay.”
I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _your mom___
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _your mom___.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _your mom___.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _your mom___