application for T-Rex (Dinosaur Comics)
So there's this T-Rex in the middle of the Sorting Room. He is looking around for something to stomp. "Where's the tiny house?" he demands. (He can totally talk.) "Where's the tiny woman? NOT THAT THERE IS ANY MISOGYNY IN THIS QUESTION. I am just used to stomping on a tiny woman and her gender is incidental! ANYWAY I WOULD LIKE TO STOMP ON SOMETHING NOW OKAY"
He speaks this way. The sentence has no definite ending, sometimes.
Some magic has reduced his size so that he can fit indoors. The T-Rex evinces no concern in this regard. His major concern is the lack of tiny woman, tiny house, and -
"ALSO WHERE IS THE TINY CAR?"
- tiny car.
"Okay SO I see this application here with a fancy quill pen. Look at these arms. My vestigial arms. Are you kidding me? No, really." The quill starts to record his words, and T-Rex calms down. "Oh, right, one of those! I think I remember seeing one of those at the mall! I did not stick around to learn about the latest up-and-coming technology." T-Rex hates the mall.
State your full name.
"Tyrannosaurus rex, unless we are in an alternate reality, in which case my name is PROBABLY Manospondylus gigas! I hope we are not in that alternate reality, because there I am married, and I AM JUST NOT READY FOR THAT LEVEL OF COMMITMENT. Nope, let's not even go there. Let's say I'm T-Rex, okay? Not Manospondylus G. EVEN THOUGH THAT SOUNDS LIKE KIND OF A GANGSTA NAME
"MARRIAGE IS JUST NOT WORTH IT OKAY"
He is quiet. Introspective. This state of being lasts about three seconds.
"I'm positive we're not in an alternate French rap reality! That's gotta be a plus. Am I right?"
T-Rex says all these things aloud and the Dictaquill reproduces them. It is sensitive to fluctuations in volume and emphasis, that's all.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"My favorite cheese is burger!" T-Rex holds still for a second to permit a close-up. In case anyone with a camera happens to be nearby, perhaps?
"As a tremendo-meatatarian, I see no point in eating cheese without meat. It has no scurvy-preventing capabilities. Anyway, cheeseburger goodness. Cheeseburgers are downright inspiring. Why even bother with burgerless cheese? I ASK YOU."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"I would stomp them both! I am an equal-opportunity stomper!"
3. What time is it where you are?
"Time to answer random questions about myself, it seems! This is nothing new to me but I hope I get more than zero replies this time. Or else."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
The dinosaur ignores the names and dives into the true heart of this question:
"Zombie sex?!" The concept is mindblowing.
T-Rex enjoys mindblowing concepts, and also, he loves zombies. A monologue is sure to ensue.
"Is the true object of zombie sex reproduction or pleasure? Reproduction for zombies means making people into zombies, and that isn't sex at all, that's biting people and trying to eat their brains! On the other hand, what is more pleasurable for a zombie than eating brains? So, either way, zombie sex is actually just eating!"
A thoughtful gleam appears in his orangey eyes.
"Fast food commercials would totally be porn in a zombie world!"
He pauses, awaiting the familiar tones of an interlocutor. Only the diligent scritching of the Dictaquill is heard. T-Rex resumes.
"I excel at eating as a dinosaur. As a zombie dinosaur it would be safe to say I would continue to excel! All the people I met I would eat, and therefore, by the zombie interpretation of sex, I would be having zombie sex with them! I would be a very popular guy. I would only not have sex with them if I had already stomped on them. Or if I were merely suffering from the Cotard Delusion. Or if I were a philosophical zombie."
He strikes a knock-kneed pose.
"Perhaps those are the scariest and coolest zombies of them all!"
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Tend bar? Not me. I will be a bouncer! If as the bouncer I also got to name the bar, so be it! I would name it 'Happy Machine'." It's the cutest phrase he can come up with.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Mythologies? Don't go there! That never turns out well!" T-Rex is emphatic on this point. "It's a good thing mythological analogies are unnecessary for this answer. Since I have demonstrably shown elsewhere that marriage is like Game Boys, I would say that this guy should marry whichever one has the best games."
He feels qualified to make this assertion, even though God himself has declared 'ROMANCE TIPS WITH T-REX WAS A BAD IDEA'.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"The reason your desk is inundated with paperwork is because of the invention of paper! All that paperwork is mere reification of a series of performative utterances. Don't think I'm dissing paper though. It's great for making airplanes and boats!"
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"That question is pretty ridiculous. Besides being a Tyrannosaurus rex, which could be considered a full-time vocation, I am also a published novelist and a part-time substitute teacher. AND in my spare time I am a game programmer! I have completed my first game, Monkey Whore, and am working on a Richard the Third Video Game. It will rock, once I figure out how to make Richard the Third's horse do double jumps."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"The hat will squib me? What's that supposed to mean?" T-Rex is suspicious. "Is this some kind of weird slang for something sexual and uncomfortable? Dude, count me out." He thinks up a bribe. "Okay okay - how about this: a gold medal in the event, or state of being, of your choice! Personally my medal is in being the SASSIEST DUDE. Yours could be anything but that, because SASSIEST DUDE is taken."
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. T-Rex.
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. T-Rex.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. T-Rex.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. T-Rex
He speaks this way. The sentence has no definite ending, sometimes.
Some magic has reduced his size so that he can fit indoors. The T-Rex evinces no concern in this regard. His major concern is the lack of tiny woman, tiny house, and -
"ALSO WHERE IS THE TINY CAR?"
- tiny car.
"Okay SO I see this application here with a fancy quill pen. Look at these arms. My vestigial arms. Are you kidding me? No, really." The quill starts to record his words, and T-Rex calms down. "Oh, right, one of those! I think I remember seeing one of those at the mall! I did not stick around to learn about the latest up-and-coming technology." T-Rex hates the mall.
State your full name.
"Tyrannosaurus rex, unless we are in an alternate reality, in which case my name is PROBABLY Manospondylus gigas! I hope we are not in that alternate reality, because there I am married, and I AM JUST NOT READY FOR THAT LEVEL OF COMMITMENT. Nope, let's not even go there. Let's say I'm T-Rex, okay? Not Manospondylus G. EVEN THOUGH THAT SOUNDS LIKE KIND OF A GANGSTA NAME
"MARRIAGE IS JUST NOT WORTH IT OKAY"
He is quiet. Introspective. This state of being lasts about three seconds.
"I'm positive we're not in an alternate French rap reality! That's gotta be a plus. Am I right?"
T-Rex says all these things aloud and the Dictaquill reproduces them. It is sensitive to fluctuations in volume and emphasis, that's all.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"My favorite cheese is burger!" T-Rex holds still for a second to permit a close-up. In case anyone with a camera happens to be nearby, perhaps?
"As a tremendo-meatatarian, I see no point in eating cheese without meat. It has no scurvy-preventing capabilities. Anyway, cheeseburger goodness. Cheeseburgers are downright inspiring. Why even bother with burgerless cheese? I ASK YOU."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"I would stomp them both! I am an equal-opportunity stomper!"
3. What time is it where you are?
"Time to answer random questions about myself, it seems! This is nothing new to me but I hope I get more than zero replies this time. Or else."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
The dinosaur ignores the names and dives into the true heart of this question:
"Zombie sex?!" The concept is mindblowing.
T-Rex enjoys mindblowing concepts, and also, he loves zombies. A monologue is sure to ensue.
"Is the true object of zombie sex reproduction or pleasure? Reproduction for zombies means making people into zombies, and that isn't sex at all, that's biting people and trying to eat their brains! On the other hand, what is more pleasurable for a zombie than eating brains? So, either way, zombie sex is actually just eating!"
A thoughtful gleam appears in his orangey eyes.
"Fast food commercials would totally be porn in a zombie world!"
He pauses, awaiting the familiar tones of an interlocutor. Only the diligent scritching of the Dictaquill is heard. T-Rex resumes.
"I excel at eating as a dinosaur. As a zombie dinosaur it would be safe to say I would continue to excel! All the people I met I would eat, and therefore, by the zombie interpretation of sex, I would be having zombie sex with them! I would be a very popular guy. I would only not have sex with them if I had already stomped on them. Or if I were merely suffering from the Cotard Delusion. Or if I were a philosophical zombie."
He strikes a knock-kneed pose.
"Perhaps those are the scariest and coolest zombies of them all!"
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Tend bar? Not me. I will be a bouncer! If as the bouncer I also got to name the bar, so be it! I would name it 'Happy Machine'." It's the cutest phrase he can come up with.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Mythologies? Don't go there! That never turns out well!" T-Rex is emphatic on this point. "It's a good thing mythological analogies are unnecessary for this answer. Since I have demonstrably shown elsewhere that marriage is like Game Boys, I would say that this guy should marry whichever one has the best games."
He feels qualified to make this assertion, even though God himself has declared 'ROMANCE TIPS WITH T-REX WAS A BAD IDEA'.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"The reason your desk is inundated with paperwork is because of the invention of paper! All that paperwork is mere reification of a series of performative utterances. Don't think I'm dissing paper though. It's great for making airplanes and boats!"
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"That question is pretty ridiculous. Besides being a Tyrannosaurus rex, which could be considered a full-time vocation, I am also a published novelist and a part-time substitute teacher. AND in my spare time I am a game programmer! I have completed my first game, Monkey Whore, and am working on a Richard the Third Video Game. It will rock, once I figure out how to make Richard the Third's horse do double jumps."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"The hat will squib me? What's that supposed to mean?" T-Rex is suspicious. "Is this some kind of weird slang for something sexual and uncomfortable? Dude, count me out." He thinks up a bribe. "Okay okay - how about this: a gold medal in the event, or state of being, of your choice! Personally my medal is in being the SASSIEST DUDE. Yours could be anything but that, because SASSIEST DUDE is taken."
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. T-Rex.
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. T-Rex.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. T-Rex.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. T-Rex