Application for Nero Wolfe from the Nero Wolfe novels by Rex Stout
A large man, weighing a full seventh of a ton, bustled through the door, carrying a branch of a Phalaenopsis hybrid in a bud vase. He frowned as he realized that he was not in the room that he expected to be in. He turned, the door no longer behind him. He frowned, the corners of his mouth turning down slightly. His assistant, the man he was looking for, would classify the expression as a frenzy of expression. He turned again, facing in the room. "Confound it," he snarled. "Archie. Archie! Enough of this flumery. Confound it." He glared around the room impartially. His desk, his chair, the book he was reading. None of them were in this room, the room that should have been his office. "Fritz!" he bellowed.
"Confound it," he pronounced again, looking around the room. He found a chair that looked as though it would support his mass near a table. He crossed to it, his steps heavier now as he crossed the room. He set the vase on the table and pulled down his gray suit jacket. He ran his hands down the matching vest and adjusted his yellow and red abstractly patterned tie, resetting the yellow collar of his shirt before he sat himself, obviously uncomfortably, in the chair.
He drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair, looking around. He glanced at the table he'd set the orchid branch on and noticed the stack of papers. He drew them over, read over them quickly and tossed them back onto the table. "Buffoonery. I will not be subject to this nonsense. Archie!" He waited a beat or two and then called, "Fritz!" With a disgruntled sigh, he looked around the room again. There was nothing else to occupy him and idleness did not sit well with him, despite his chronic laziness. He picked up the papers again.
State your full name.
He shifted, still uncomfortable in the chair an disliking the activity though it was the only one that offered itself to be done at the moment. He looked around for a pen and found only a quill. He raised it and looked further on the desk, seeking out an inkwell. Upon not finding one, he attempted to write, to test the instrument. When it left a mark, he concluded it must be a new style pen made to look like an old fashioned ink quill. "Nero Wolfe," he wrote, "though I would prefer to be addressed as Mr. Wolfe." A thorough answer was important.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Favorite?" he said aloud. "Piffle!" He began to write. "Which cheese I prefer entirely depends on the circumstances and the other food accompanying and what is offered to drink." Here, he waxed eloquent on which cheeses best compliment various drinks, turning the page over to continue his dissertation on the subject. Not quite satisfied, but out of space unless he starts another page, he turned the page over again and moves onto the next question.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Pfui," he said aloud. "I would not bother myself. I would most likely not bother to find out who killed them for less than fifty thousand dollars," he wrote. There were exceptions, rarely, if his ego were stung sufficiently, but in general, he did not commit murder, rather he solved it.
3. What time is it where you are?
He drew a pocket watch from his vest and frowned at it a moment before snapping it closed and returning it to his pocket. "11:27 AM" he wrote. An hour and a half until lunch. He would be very cross if his lunch were delayed. There was Shad Roe and the duck a l'orange he had been able to smell starting to cook. He should have gone into the kitchen to check on it, but his routine demanded that he enter the office at eleven to go over the mail and give Archie his assignments for the day.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Pfui," he said again. A paleness to his complexion appears and he shifts in his seat. Women repel him. All creatures of passions foreign to him, or perhaps too familiar, he never quite explains. "None!" he writes firmly on the paper, not that he knows or cares who the people mentioned are.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"I wouldn't." he wrote, not bothering with vocalizing his contempt of the question.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I." he wrote, not bothering with the rest of the quote or its context. Marriage was repellent enough, but between men? And three of them. After a moment, he cited the quote as being "Paul in the first Letter to the Corinthians, Chapter 7"
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Confound it with these nonsense names and suppositions," he said, tossing the quill to the table with the papers. He clasped his hands over his girth and glared at the paper. Yet, it galled his pride to leave anything undone. He glared at the quill and paper until it left him with no choice but to pick up the quill again and finish the questions. "Your assistant is an incompetent nincompoop."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Wolfe slammed the quill on the table. "I will not be subject to such an insult any longer. I demand to be released from this inane prison immediately!"
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"Poppycock," he said, sitting back in the chair, his hands again clasped over his bulk, his eyes closed.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____NW_______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____NW_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____NW______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______NW_______"
"Confound it," he pronounced again, looking around the room. He found a chair that looked as though it would support his mass near a table. He crossed to it, his steps heavier now as he crossed the room. He set the vase on the table and pulled down his gray suit jacket. He ran his hands down the matching vest and adjusted his yellow and red abstractly patterned tie, resetting the yellow collar of his shirt before he sat himself, obviously uncomfortably, in the chair.
He drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair, looking around. He glanced at the table he'd set the orchid branch on and noticed the stack of papers. He drew them over, read over them quickly and tossed them back onto the table. "Buffoonery. I will not be subject to this nonsense. Archie!" He waited a beat or two and then called, "Fritz!" With a disgruntled sigh, he looked around the room again. There was nothing else to occupy him and idleness did not sit well with him, despite his chronic laziness. He picked up the papers again.
State your full name.
He shifted, still uncomfortable in the chair an disliking the activity though it was the only one that offered itself to be done at the moment. He looked around for a pen and found only a quill. He raised it and looked further on the desk, seeking out an inkwell. Upon not finding one, he attempted to write, to test the instrument. When it left a mark, he concluded it must be a new style pen made to look like an old fashioned ink quill. "Nero Wolfe," he wrote, "though I would prefer to be addressed as Mr. Wolfe." A thorough answer was important.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Favorite?" he said aloud. "Piffle!" He began to write. "Which cheese I prefer entirely depends on the circumstances and the other food accompanying and what is offered to drink." Here, he waxed eloquent on which cheeses best compliment various drinks, turning the page over to continue his dissertation on the subject. Not quite satisfied, but out of space unless he starts another page, he turned the page over again and moves onto the next question.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Pfui," he said aloud. "I would not bother myself. I would most likely not bother to find out who killed them for less than fifty thousand dollars," he wrote. There were exceptions, rarely, if his ego were stung sufficiently, but in general, he did not commit murder, rather he solved it.
3. What time is it where you are?
He drew a pocket watch from his vest and frowned at it a moment before snapping it closed and returning it to his pocket. "11:27 AM" he wrote. An hour and a half until lunch. He would be very cross if his lunch were delayed. There was Shad Roe and the duck a l'orange he had been able to smell starting to cook. He should have gone into the kitchen to check on it, but his routine demanded that he enter the office at eleven to go over the mail and give Archie his assignments for the day.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Pfui," he said again. A paleness to his complexion appears and he shifts in his seat. Women repel him. All creatures of passions foreign to him, or perhaps too familiar, he never quite explains. "None!" he writes firmly on the paper, not that he knows or cares who the people mentioned are.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"I wouldn't." he wrote, not bothering with vocalizing his contempt of the question.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I." he wrote, not bothering with the rest of the quote or its context. Marriage was repellent enough, but between men? And three of them. After a moment, he cited the quote as being "Paul in the first Letter to the Corinthians, Chapter 7"
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Confound it with these nonsense names and suppositions," he said, tossing the quill to the table with the papers. He clasped his hands over his girth and glared at the paper. Yet, it galled his pride to leave anything undone. He glared at the quill and paper until it left him with no choice but to pick up the quill again and finish the questions. "Your assistant is an incompetent nincompoop."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Wolfe slammed the quill on the table. "I will not be subject to such an insult any longer. I demand to be released from this inane prison immediately!"
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"Poppycock," he said, sitting back in the chair, his hands again clasped over his bulk, his eyes closed.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____NW_______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____NW_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____NW______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______NW_______"