application for Duncan Shriek, from Jeff VanderMeer's novels of Ambergris.
In the Sorting Room, a rug lay upon the floor, and under the rug, something began to thump and shift.
Abruptly, the rug lifted, in a cloud of dust and the creaking of ungreased hinges. From the trapdoor beneath, a dusty man in a dirt-spattered trench coat clambered into the room.
His blink was far from myopic, though his eyes were red-rimmed from irritation and lack of sleep. He glanced sharply around. He muttered something that sounded like fanaarcensitii.
When he saw the application, he began to laugh, a helpless clotted choking laughter that faded only as he noticed the moving quill had tried to write down his first word. Fanaarcensitii. Then he was silent, and took the quill in hand himself.
State your full name.
He wrote: Duncan Shriek. And he crossed out what the quill had written before that.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
I haven't eaten cheese in a long time. Are you offering?
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I know neither of these people. I would kill either in self-defense.
3. What time is it where you are?
Duncan removed a watch from the inner pocket of his coat. Opened its tarnished cover. Grimaced. The works were clogged with black spores. He shook the watch gently to loosen the clot, tapped the back of it. It would have to be taken apart.
Sorry, he wrote, under a smear of fallen spores. I haven't kept track.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
This question made him cough, uncomfortably, a wet sound like leaves in a sluggish drain.
That's an ugly question and framed in a way I can only see as malicious. I would harass no one. I have loved unwisely, but I have harassed no one. I have never met Albus Dumbledore. I may have been dead, in a sense, but it is irrelevant to your question, if not to your concerns.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The worst name for a bar is the Spore of the Gray Cap. I liked drinking there all the same, wrote Duncan Shriek. Bars never have witty names. The best have names that are obscure save to their owners' families. The worst have names the owners wrongly consider to be witty. Bad puns make the liquor taste sour.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
The time for marriage has passed. Harry should watch his back.
The quill shook and spattered ink as Duncan wrote this. No matter; the side of his hand seemed to ... absorb? ... the excess.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Try tacking it up on the walls, suggested Duncan. You'll see things more clearly then.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
You wish I were useless, he wrote, wheezing a laugh to himself as he wrote it. Safer for you.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I have some of the small red mushrooms with the purple gills. I understand they've even become popular nowadays.
((I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Shriek.
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Shriek.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch.Shriek.
One day, marmalade will rule the world.Shriek.))
Abruptly, the rug lifted, in a cloud of dust and the creaking of ungreased hinges. From the trapdoor beneath, a dusty man in a dirt-spattered trench coat clambered into the room.
His blink was far from myopic, though his eyes were red-rimmed from irritation and lack of sleep. He glanced sharply around. He muttered something that sounded like fanaarcensitii.
When he saw the application, he began to laugh, a helpless clotted choking laughter that faded only as he noticed the moving quill had tried to write down his first word. Fanaarcensitii. Then he was silent, and took the quill in hand himself.
State your full name.
He wrote: Duncan Shriek. And he crossed out what the quill had written before that.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
I haven't eaten cheese in a long time. Are you offering?
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I know neither of these people. I would kill either in self-defense.
3. What time is it where you are?
Duncan removed a watch from the inner pocket of his coat. Opened its tarnished cover. Grimaced. The works were clogged with black spores. He shook the watch gently to loosen the clot, tapped the back of it. It would have to be taken apart.
Sorry, he wrote, under a smear of fallen spores. I haven't kept track.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
This question made him cough, uncomfortably, a wet sound like leaves in a sluggish drain.
That's an ugly question and framed in a way I can only see as malicious. I would harass no one. I have loved unwisely, but I have harassed no one. I have never met Albus Dumbledore. I may have been dead, in a sense, but it is irrelevant to your question, if not to your concerns.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The worst name for a bar is the Spore of the Gray Cap. I liked drinking there all the same, wrote Duncan Shriek. Bars never have witty names. The best have names that are obscure save to their owners' families. The worst have names the owners wrongly consider to be witty. Bad puns make the liquor taste sour.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
The time for marriage has passed. Harry should watch his back.
The quill shook and spattered ink as Duncan wrote this. No matter; the side of his hand seemed to ... absorb? ... the excess.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Try tacking it up on the walls, suggested Duncan. You'll see things more clearly then.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
You wish I were useless, he wrote, wheezing a laugh to himself as he wrote it. Safer for you.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I have some of the small red mushrooms with the purple gills. I understand they've even become popular nowadays.
((I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Shriek.
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Shriek.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch.Shriek.
One day, marmalade will rule the world.Shriek.))