Application for Ivan Braginski (Axis Powers Hetalia)
It was with no small amount of confusion that Ivan found himself not in the foyer of his house in Moscow, but inside what seemed to be a rather large castle he had never stepped foot in before. His round, childish face scrunched up, he slowly turned around to stare at the door he had just come through. No, that was definitely not his front door. Strange, because he was certain that he had just come in from his garden.
Well, damn, he hoped he'd seen the last of those memory lapses after 1991.
When Ivan turned back around there was a wide, cheerful smile plastered on his face and a long metal water pipe clutched in both gloved hands. He surveyed the room quickly for anyone he could talk to about exactly where he was and how he’d gotten here, before he spotted a desk across the room. As it was the most distinguishing object he had seen so far, Ivan approached it with a few long strides.
State your full name.
There was a piece of parchment on the desk, and it was talking to him.
He was, however, far more interested in the quill floating over the paper than disembodied voices. This probably said something about his character, or his current mental state, but Ivan wasn’t the introspective sort.
He stared at the Dictaquill with open curiosity, and reached out after a moment to nudge it with the faucet end of his pipe. It bobbed gently in the air before returning to its place over the parchment. Far more amused than concerned that the quill was floating, Ivan giggled, a sound that was surely quite disconcerting coming from such a large man.
Oh well, it wasn't like he had anything else to do. Why not play along? This could be fun.
"Ivan..." He trailed off, distracted by the scratching of pen against parchment, and leaned over to see what had been written. Oh, so it was taking dictation? That was certainly helpful, but now Ivan felt a bit self-conscious. He cleared his throat, uncomfortable, and tugged his scarf away from his face. "Ah, sorry. Ivan Braginski."
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Ivan blinked mildly. Cheese? It was asking him about cheese? What was this questionnaire even for? “I… rather like tvorog, especially in other foods. Bryndza is nice, too, I suppose.”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Genuinely confused by the sudden topic change and by the question itself, Ivan tilted his head and frowned. "I do not understand. Why would I want to kill either of them? Neither one has done me any wrong." But Ivan didn't want to leave the question unanswered, as he didn't know what this questionnaire was for and couldn't know if his answer was important or not. So he took a moment to ponder the question. "Barney is a character in a children's television program, yes? And Carrottop is an American comedian?" Here, he smiled strangely, and shifted his grip on the pipe. "Mmm, I suppose... yes, Carrottop, if I must choose."
3. What time is it where you are?
"It is a quarter after five." Ivan thought for a moment, then added, "Or at least, it was the last time I checked, in Moscow. I'm not so sure anymore." His fingers twitched to his pocket before he remembered that he had left his BlackBerry sitting on the kitchen counter. That meant that he had no way to contact his boss, or anyone else for that matter, and Ivan’s mood snapped from confused to alert in an instant.
This didn’t show on his face, of course. Still he smiled, though it was quite possible that the temperature in the room may have dropped a few degrees. Ivan did not like to be isolated.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
...well. Ivan's cheeks colored just slightly, and he shuffled uncomfortably. This question was much more suitable for Francis, not for him. As he was shy and a bit embarrassed, his next answer was rather succinct. “I do not even know these people. I do not wish to harass any of them, whether as this Albus Dumbledore or myself.”
Not sexually, anyway. Ivan was always up for harassing people, and had no qualms about admitting this.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The topic of bars reminded Ivan of something very important. Suddenly, almost panicked, he shifted his pipe into one hand to pat down his coat pockets. It was with much relief that he pulled out a half-empty bottle of crystal clear liquid, and he visibly relaxed as he took a long swig. Thank god. The loss of his phone was something he could deal with, but if he had left his vodka at home there would have been trouble.
Lips popping off the rim with a pleasant little pop, Ivan grinned to himself. Oh, yes, that was much better. “I would name it… Pervaya Molniya, I believe.”
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
More people he didn’t know. “Ah, which of these two does he love? Or… does he love both of them? Do they not return his feelings? Regardless, I do not see the problem. If he is having trouble deciding, he should just have both Fred and George live with him. He would be much happier that way, yes?”
This, of course, made perfect sense to Ivan. He beamed, pleased with himself.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“Perhaps your subordinates, or whoever it is that does your secretarial duties, are simply not doing their job properly.” Here Ivan’s smile shifted subtly, and his eyes lit up with a sort of cheerful amusement that would make the skin of those who knew him crawl. “Toris would overwork himself more often than not, and would occasionally forget to do my paperwork alongside his own. I found it always helped to talk with him when there was an issue.”
Not to mention the look on the poor Lithuanian’s face when confronted for slacking off was absolutely priceless.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
It was most likely due to the good mood that talking about his previous charge put him in that Ivan didn’t take offense to the question. “I launched the first Earth-orbiting satellite, and sent the first man into space. I have suffered through many invasions and hardships, and still I am here, my culture and borders still intact.” He giggled once more, seemingly amused. “You may recall, if you've studied your history, that I also managed to win the battle of Stalingrad despite the overwhelming odds against me. ”
“Oh, and I am also where vodka was invented,” no matter how Feliks insisted otherwise, “and I have the world’s largest stockpile of nuclear weapons.” It’s impossible to tell which of these facts he is more proud of.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
No threats, hmm? That certainly took the fun out of things. No, no, he could work with this. Ivan chewed his lower lip thoughtfully. "Do you like vodka? I have plenty of vodka. It's my fuel, you see." He played with the end of his scarf as he racked his brain for something else to offer. "I do have many other exports, or I could recite some poetry, if you're interested. I have always loved Zhukovsky's work, though... mmm, I suppose his poems can be rather lengthy. "
Suddenly he brightened, and a look of childish excitement lit up his face. “Ah, and if you’d like, or if you ever have need of a place to stay, my house is always open to guests. I would very much enjoy the company.”
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. __Ryssland__
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. __La Russie__.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. __Rossiya__.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. __Russia__"
Well, damn, he hoped he'd seen the last of those memory lapses after 1991.
When Ivan turned back around there was a wide, cheerful smile plastered on his face and a long metal water pipe clutched in both gloved hands. He surveyed the room quickly for anyone he could talk to about exactly where he was and how he’d gotten here, before he spotted a desk across the room. As it was the most distinguishing object he had seen so far, Ivan approached it with a few long strides.
State your full name.
There was a piece of parchment on the desk, and it was talking to him.
He was, however, far more interested in the quill floating over the paper than disembodied voices. This probably said something about his character, or his current mental state, but Ivan wasn’t the introspective sort.
He stared at the Dictaquill with open curiosity, and reached out after a moment to nudge it with the faucet end of his pipe. It bobbed gently in the air before returning to its place over the parchment. Far more amused than concerned that the quill was floating, Ivan giggled, a sound that was surely quite disconcerting coming from such a large man.
Oh well, it wasn't like he had anything else to do. Why not play along? This could be fun.
"Ivan..." He trailed off, distracted by the scratching of pen against parchment, and leaned over to see what had been written. Oh, so it was taking dictation? That was certainly helpful, but now Ivan felt a bit self-conscious. He cleared his throat, uncomfortable, and tugged his scarf away from his face. "Ah, sorry. Ivan Braginski."
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Ivan blinked mildly. Cheese? It was asking him about cheese? What was this questionnaire even for? “I… rather like tvorog, especially in other foods. Bryndza is nice, too, I suppose.”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Genuinely confused by the sudden topic change and by the question itself, Ivan tilted his head and frowned. "I do not understand. Why would I want to kill either of them? Neither one has done me any wrong." But Ivan didn't want to leave the question unanswered, as he didn't know what this questionnaire was for and couldn't know if his answer was important or not. So he took a moment to ponder the question. "Barney is a character in a children's television program, yes? And Carrottop is an American comedian?" Here, he smiled strangely, and shifted his grip on the pipe. "Mmm, I suppose... yes, Carrottop, if I must choose."
3. What time is it where you are?
"It is a quarter after five." Ivan thought for a moment, then added, "Or at least, it was the last time I checked, in Moscow. I'm not so sure anymore." His fingers twitched to his pocket before he remembered that he had left his BlackBerry sitting on the kitchen counter. That meant that he had no way to contact his boss, or anyone else for that matter, and Ivan’s mood snapped from confused to alert in an instant.
This didn’t show on his face, of course. Still he smiled, though it was quite possible that the temperature in the room may have dropped a few degrees. Ivan did not like to be isolated.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
...well. Ivan's cheeks colored just slightly, and he shuffled uncomfortably. This question was much more suitable for Francis, not for him. As he was shy and a bit embarrassed, his next answer was rather succinct. “I do not even know these people. I do not wish to harass any of them, whether as this Albus Dumbledore or myself.”
Not sexually, anyway. Ivan was always up for harassing people, and had no qualms about admitting this.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The topic of bars reminded Ivan of something very important. Suddenly, almost panicked, he shifted his pipe into one hand to pat down his coat pockets. It was with much relief that he pulled out a half-empty bottle of crystal clear liquid, and he visibly relaxed as he took a long swig. Thank god. The loss of his phone was something he could deal with, but if he had left his vodka at home there would have been trouble.
Lips popping off the rim with a pleasant little pop, Ivan grinned to himself. Oh, yes, that was much better. “I would name it… Pervaya Molniya, I believe.”
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
More people he didn’t know. “Ah, which of these two does he love? Or… does he love both of them? Do they not return his feelings? Regardless, I do not see the problem. If he is having trouble deciding, he should just have both Fred and George live with him. He would be much happier that way, yes?”
This, of course, made perfect sense to Ivan. He beamed, pleased with himself.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“Perhaps your subordinates, or whoever it is that does your secretarial duties, are simply not doing their job properly.” Here Ivan’s smile shifted subtly, and his eyes lit up with a sort of cheerful amusement that would make the skin of those who knew him crawl. “Toris would overwork himself more often than not, and would occasionally forget to do my paperwork alongside his own. I found it always helped to talk with him when there was an issue.”
Not to mention the look on the poor Lithuanian’s face when confronted for slacking off was absolutely priceless.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
It was most likely due to the good mood that talking about his previous charge put him in that Ivan didn’t take offense to the question. “I launched the first Earth-orbiting satellite, and sent the first man into space. I have suffered through many invasions and hardships, and still I am here, my culture and borders still intact.” He giggled once more, seemingly amused. “You may recall, if you've studied your history, that I also managed to win the battle of Stalingrad despite the overwhelming odds against me. ”
“Oh, and I am also where vodka was invented,” no matter how Feliks insisted otherwise, “and I have the world’s largest stockpile of nuclear weapons.” It’s impossible to tell which of these facts he is more proud of.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
No threats, hmm? That certainly took the fun out of things. No, no, he could work with this. Ivan chewed his lower lip thoughtfully. "Do you like vodka? I have plenty of vodka. It's my fuel, you see." He played with the end of his scarf as he racked his brain for something else to offer. "I do have many other exports, or I could recite some poetry, if you're interested. I have always loved Zhukovsky's work, though... mmm, I suppose his poems can be rather lengthy. "
Suddenly he brightened, and a look of childish excitement lit up his face. “Ah, and if you’d like, or if you ever have need of a place to stay, my house is always open to guests. I would very much enjoy the company.”
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. __Ryssland__
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. __La Russie__.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. __Rossiya__.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. __Russia__"