Andy Bernard (The Office, US)
Andy Bernard had come to Hogwarts with baggage. To house-elves he had entrusted his suitcase and even his messenger bag, but the banjo case he insisted on carrying himself. Its strap rumpled his suit jacket and diagonally bisected the neat front of his shirt (point-collar classic-fit dress shirt in glacier stripe, clashing with his Northwest-tartan wool tie, both by J. Crew).
"I'm comin' up so you better get this party started!"
How better to announce his arrival than with an a cappella cover of Pink's 2001 hit single?
State your full name.
Whoa, official form to fill out. The name alone was probably worth like 200 points. Didn't they say that was true about the SAT? Same thing for something like this, Andy figured.
He wrote it out. Then he underscored it.
Andrew Baines Bernard
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Oh-ho-ho, you wish to know about ze fine fromage? You've come to the right man, amigo." Andy saw nothing strange about talking to the cameras to himself while he filled out this routine paperwork. Imagine his surprise when that old-timey quill pen yanked itself out of his grip to take some dictation.
you've come to the right man, amigo
"Dude, you're cramping my style," Andy scolded the pen.
Dood, you're cramping my style
"That's not how you spell 'dude'." Andy's indignation faded as he rationalized aloud (while the pen kept on taking dictation):
That's not how you spell dood. Aaaaaah, I see, one of those nifty Japanese gadgets. From Sky Mall, right? Am I right? I know I saw one of these in the Sky Mall catalog. It needs an American dictionary programmed in
hey
it's not even intercapping Sky Mall
Sadly, the moving quill could not represent Andy's ... cadences. And it wasn't going to represent anything at all for much longer.
Andy was not a fat man. He was, however, solid. He was that sort of tallish sturdy guy who'd have developed an impressive beer belly ten years from now. Between Andy and middle-aged corpulence stood only his healthy, not to say preppy, love of outdoor sports requiring expensive equipment. (Okay, okay, it was preppy.) Thick powerful fingers gripped the Dictaquill in a wild attempt to wrestle the quill into submission.
"Cut it out," growled Andy through gritted teeth. His face was reddening, and that had nothing to do with exertion.
Andy was getting angry. At the Dictaquill.
A crack, a splattering of ink across the parchment, and Andy had triumphed. He only had a couple hundred pounds on the quill, surely not an unfair advantage.
"All-righty then." He was trying to sound cheerful. It wasn't working. "Now that that's out of the way. My favorite cheese is --"
Another pen came out of freaking nowhere to begin scribbling down his answers.
"DAMMIT!"
The application, beneath the black splatter of the first pen's lifeblood, read:
My favorite cheese is DAMMIT!
Under this, Andy managed to draw a caret whose tip wedged between is and DAMMIT, and beneath the caret he wrote:
artisanal
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Take a deeeep breath, Nard Dog. Count to ten, slooooowly. One-mississippi. Two-mississippi." Andy squeezed his eyes shut. He knew if he looked at that moving pen writing down his words, he'd end up breaking it too. Probably the room would get filled up with broken pens, and Andy would drown in a sea of their ink. No, then he'd totally own them, because he could sail away on, like, a sailboat! The mental image, cartoonish, helped to calm him a little.
He could take control of this situation.
From the breast pocket of his blazer, he unclipped an ordinary silver pen. With determination he brought it to the paper, disregarding the attempts of that self-propelled Japanese gadget pen thing. Andy wrote:
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I would absolutely take a cue from Sun Tzu. Sun Tzu and the Art of Business, ever read it? Confucius say, Carrot-top okay.
3. What time is it where you are?
Oh, man. Andy totally wished this was a face-to-face interview and not a written application. The first thing that sprang to mind was a song. Just for the joy of singing, he belted out a few bars: "'Cause time won't give me time, and time makes lovers feel like they got somethin' real! 'Cause you and me, we know we've got nothinnnnnnnn but time! And time won't give me ti-ime! Nooo, it won't give me tiiime ... doot doot doot doot doot ..."
The doots were mimicry of the musical instrumentation in that fine '80s classic. Andy marked them with sideways chops of his hand in the air, ranging downward on an imaginary staircase as the notes descended.
He swiped down that second self-propelled quill pen thing and wrote with his own ballpoint:
The time is 12:42 pm.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Andy didn't recognize the name of that secret society. The Order of the Phoenix? He wasn't in it. None of his living male relatives had ever mentioned it. Therefore, Cornell didn't have a chapter of The Order of the Phoenix, and it was probably not worth wanting to join. (Unlike the Finer Things Club, which met in the break room of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin. Andy really wanted to be in the Finer Things Club.)
He knew better than to acknowledge ignorance on an admissions application. He wrote:
You can't harass the willing. Let's just say, the finest hottie at an Order barbecue would be getting an evening serenade from the Nard Dog.
Calling himself by his nickname on an admissions application wasn't unclassy, it was a demonstration of personal flair.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
That one was practically a freebie. Andy's succinct answer, as rendered by his silver ballpoint:
Beer Me.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Which way did the Hogwarts board of trustees (or governors, or whatever they had) lean on the issue of gay marriage? Andy opted for the safest, most obfuscatory route.
Harry's personal life should be a matter of individual freedom and personal choice governed by tradition. That's the lesson mythology teaches us. Even if the king of Thebes is going to put you to death, you owe your bro a proper burial. Freedom guided by tradition.
This mixed-up version of Antigone was the best Andy could manage for a mythological example. (What was that guy's name, the king of Thebes? Crayon? Something like that, but Andy wasn't going to write it down and risk a misspelling. That'd cost him points.)
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
If you're asking whether I am smart, I only have a degree from one of the best colleges in the Western world. You might have heard of it. It's called Cornell. About your paperwork, I may be able to help you with that, being Regional Director in Charge of Sales. At Dunder Mifflin. Which is a paper company. You could say your paperwork is my business. I think you should ask yourself why you're constantly disposing of your important paperwork. Are you trying to run away from something? Let me share a little secret with you, my friend. Wherever you go, there you are.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
It would be hard to get any further from useless than I am. Picture me standing here, and useless standing in China. You have to dig a tunnel through the center of the earth to get to useless from where I'm standing. Opposite of useless.
I may have mentioned I graduated from Cornell. Class of '95. I may also have mentioned I am a successful paper salesman. What you might not know about me yet is that I am also a singer, a player of stringed instruments (banjo, sitar), and a connoisseur of world cuisine. I'm well-rounded. Not naming any names, but some have called me a Renaissance man.
The world cuisine was Benihana, and if anyone had ever called Andy a Renaissance man, they hadn't gone on record. But this was an admissions application. Tooting your own horn was expected, nay, demanded.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
No one had said anything about bribes. Andy's suitcase and messenger bag contained goodies meant only to share with choice acquaintances for auld lang syne. He didn't plan on breaking out the duty-free Jagermeister yet.
"You know what they say, teach a man to fish, he'll fish for life. How about this: one banjo lesson, absolutely free of charge, courtesy of yours truly."
((Posted with the approval and encouragement of the Office muns))
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. AB
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them.AB.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. AB.
One day, marmalade will rule the world.AB
"I'm comin' up so you better get this party started!"
How better to announce his arrival than with an a cappella cover of Pink's 2001 hit single?
State your full name.
Whoa, official form to fill out. The name alone was probably worth like 200 points. Didn't they say that was true about the SAT? Same thing for something like this, Andy figured.
He wrote it out. Then he underscored it.
Andrew Baines Bernard
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Oh-ho-ho, you wish to know about ze fine fromage? You've come to the right man, amigo." Andy saw nothing strange about talking to the cameras to himself while he filled out this routine paperwork. Imagine his surprise when that old-timey quill pen yanked itself out of his grip to take some dictation.
you've come to the right man, amigo
"Dude, you're cramping my style," Andy scolded the pen.
Dood, you're cramping my style
"That's not how you spell 'dude'." Andy's indignation faded as he rationalized aloud (while the pen kept on taking dictation):
That's not how you spell dood. Aaaaaah, I see, one of those nifty Japanese gadgets. From Sky Mall, right? Am I right? I know I saw one of these in the Sky Mall catalog. It needs an American dictionary programmed in
hey
it's not even intercapping Sky Mall
Sadly, the moving quill could not represent Andy's ... cadences. And it wasn't going to represent anything at all for much longer.
Andy was not a fat man. He was, however, solid. He was that sort of tallish sturdy guy who'd have developed an impressive beer belly ten years from now. Between Andy and middle-aged corpulence stood only his healthy, not to say preppy, love of outdoor sports requiring expensive equipment. (Okay, okay, it was preppy.) Thick powerful fingers gripped the Dictaquill in a wild attempt to wrestle the quill into submission.
"Cut it out," growled Andy through gritted teeth. His face was reddening, and that had nothing to do with exertion.
Andy was getting angry. At the Dictaquill.
A crack, a splattering of ink across the parchment, and Andy had triumphed. He only had a couple hundred pounds on the quill, surely not an unfair advantage.
"All-righty then." He was trying to sound cheerful. It wasn't working. "Now that that's out of the way. My favorite cheese is --"
Another pen came out of freaking nowhere to begin scribbling down his answers.
"DAMMIT!"
The application, beneath the black splatter of the first pen's lifeblood, read:
My favorite cheese is DAMMIT!
Under this, Andy managed to draw a caret whose tip wedged between is and DAMMIT, and beneath the caret he wrote:
artisanal
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Take a deeeep breath, Nard Dog. Count to ten, slooooowly. One-mississippi. Two-mississippi." Andy squeezed his eyes shut. He knew if he looked at that moving pen writing down his words, he'd end up breaking it too. Probably the room would get filled up with broken pens, and Andy would drown in a sea of their ink. No, then he'd totally own them, because he could sail away on, like, a sailboat! The mental image, cartoonish, helped to calm him a little.
He could take control of this situation.
From the breast pocket of his blazer, he unclipped an ordinary silver pen. With determination he brought it to the paper, disregarding the attempts of that self-propelled Japanese gadget pen thing. Andy wrote:
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. I would absolutely take a cue from Sun Tzu. Sun Tzu and the Art of Business, ever read it? Confucius say, Carrot-top okay.
3. What time is it where you are?
Oh, man. Andy totally wished this was a face-to-face interview and not a written application. The first thing that sprang to mind was a song. Just for the joy of singing, he belted out a few bars: "'Cause time won't give me time, and time makes lovers feel like they got somethin' real! 'Cause you and me, we know we've got nothinnnnnnnn but time! And time won't give me ti-ime! Nooo, it won't give me tiiime ... doot doot doot doot doot ..."
The doots were mimicry of the musical instrumentation in that fine '80s classic. Andy marked them with sideways chops of his hand in the air, ranging downward on an imaginary staircase as the notes descended.
He swiped down that second self-propelled quill pen thing and wrote with his own ballpoint:
The time is 12:42 pm.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Andy didn't recognize the name of that secret society. The Order of the Phoenix? He wasn't in it. None of his living male relatives had ever mentioned it. Therefore, Cornell didn't have a chapter of The Order of the Phoenix, and it was probably not worth wanting to join. (Unlike the Finer Things Club, which met in the break room of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin. Andy really wanted to be in the Finer Things Club.)
He knew better than to acknowledge ignorance on an admissions application. He wrote:
You can't harass the willing. Let's just say, the finest hottie at an Order barbecue would be getting an evening serenade from the Nard Dog.
Calling himself by his nickname on an admissions application wasn't unclassy, it was a demonstration of personal flair.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
That one was practically a freebie. Andy's succinct answer, as rendered by his silver ballpoint:
Beer Me.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Which way did the Hogwarts board of trustees (or governors, or whatever they had) lean on the issue of gay marriage? Andy opted for the safest, most obfuscatory route.
Harry's personal life should be a matter of individual freedom and personal choice governed by tradition. That's the lesson mythology teaches us. Even if the king of Thebes is going to put you to death, you owe your bro a proper burial. Freedom guided by tradition.
This mixed-up version of Antigone was the best Andy could manage for a mythological example. (What was that guy's name, the king of Thebes? Crayon? Something like that, but Andy wasn't going to write it down and risk a misspelling. That'd cost him points.)
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
If you're asking whether I am smart, I only have a degree from one of the best colleges in the Western world. You might have heard of it. It's called Cornell. About your paperwork, I may be able to help you with that, being Regional Director in Charge of Sales. At Dunder Mifflin. Which is a paper company. You could say your paperwork is my business. I think you should ask yourself why you're constantly disposing of your important paperwork. Are you trying to run away from something? Let me share a little secret with you, my friend. Wherever you go, there you are.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
It would be hard to get any further from useless than I am. Picture me standing here, and useless standing in China. You have to dig a tunnel through the center of the earth to get to useless from where I'm standing. Opposite of useless.
I may have mentioned I graduated from Cornell. Class of '95. I may also have mentioned I am a successful paper salesman. What you might not know about me yet is that I am also a singer, a player of stringed instruments (banjo, sitar), and a connoisseur of world cuisine. I'm well-rounded. Not naming any names, but some have called me a Renaissance man.
The world cuisine was Benihana, and if anyone had ever called Andy a Renaissance man, they hadn't gone on record. But this was an admissions application. Tooting your own horn was expected, nay, demanded.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
No one had said anything about bribes. Andy's suitcase and messenger bag contained goodies meant only to share with choice acquaintances for auld lang syne. He didn't plan on breaking out the duty-free Jagermeister yet.
"You know what they say, teach a man to fish, he'll fish for life. How about this: one banjo lesson, absolutely free of charge, courtesy of yours truly."
((Posted with the approval and encouragement of the Office muns))
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. AB
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them.AB.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. AB.
One day, marmalade will rule the world.AB