Application for Wash, Pilot Extraordinaire.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese? Where? I haven’t had real cheese in months. Cheese-flavored protein substitute…is not really in any way a substitute. Shepherd Book made some kinda dish with goat cheese once, though, that was pretty tasty. Almost as nice as fresh bao.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I’m not a violent kind of guy; I don’t do killing. And, excuse me, but I like dinosaurs, though I really prefer it when they plot behind each other’s, uh, tails, in Machiavellian fashion. Then they can kill each other, while I watch. The “I love you, you love me” thing doesn’t lend itself so well to good drama.
3. What time is it where you are?
T-minus zero hours to my destination. Which would be here. I guess. So whatever the local time is, which I haven’t figured out yet, because it’s not normally of much concern.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
I would never sexually harass anyone! I love my wife, Zoe, my beautiful autumn flower, my goddess, my warrior woman! Besides, she can kill me with her pinky finger if I even think about it.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
“Juggling Geese” It’s an anything-goes sorta place, dong ma? Or, if it’s my wife’s bar, or even Mal’s that I’m tending, it’d probably be “The Browncoat Brawlhouse”, based on previous experience.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
I’m not aware of any mythologies in the verse that cover this sort of thing. Have to draw on personal experience, here. Harry should ask himself which twin makes his heart melt on first sight. Wait, they look alike, maybe that wouldn’t help. He should ask himself which twin makes him laugh and feel light at heart. Wait, they own a joke shop together, right? Not sure that would work either, both pretty funny. Huh. Maybe he should ask himself which one he’d be willing to shave off his moustache for? Does Harry have a moustache?
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
A nefarious Alliance conspiracy to keep us all from realizing the truth about reality! No? Okay, maybe not.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I am the best pilot flying today, so say all of the pillars of the smuggling and black market community, as well as my eternally grateful and devoted crew. Crazy Ivan? Not a problem. If it is possible to do it with a ship, I can do it. If it's impossible to do with a ship, there's a fair chance I can do it anyway. I’m good with fixing her up, too, though not as good as Kaylee. Also, the most beautiful woman in the verse took me as her husband and has not yet killed me - which she can do as easily as she breathes, so she must have her reasons. And they are good reasons, because they are hers.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
I don’t have much in the way of possessions, being a poor criminal and all (though if you’re interested in black market beagles I may be able to procure one) and it seems Inara has nixed the offering of her (which I totally would never have thought of doing anyway, you know I respect you and your profession, Inara!), but I do have a wide assortment of colorful shirts that I am told are termed “Hawaiian” in the lingo of Earth-That-Was. Chicks dig the shirts. No one can have the dinosaurs, I'd rather get squibbed than give up the dinosaurs, but I might share directing duties during my next pre-historic epic.