Application: Bucky Katt from Get Fuzzy
A small Siamese cat walked into the Sorting Room.
On two feet. Wearing a backpack almost as big as he was. And he wore a green tie that covered most of his face and shoulders and dragged on the floor behind him.
"All right! Bucky Katt is here! Now bring on the Sorting Hat and put me in Slytherin." He waited, tail twitching. Nothing happened. He sniffed, adjusted his tie (green for Slytherin! He came prepared) and clambered up on the table. Hm. Paper. Should he chew on it? No, there were things written on it. Maybe it was a welcome letter to the illustrious Bucky Katt. He plopped his butt down on the table (and only just resisted the urge to sit on the parchment; paper with words written on is a virtual magnet for cat butts), cleared his throat, and started to read.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Ah. It was a questionnaire! He scrambled down to get a pencil out of his backpack (because feathers were what you picked out of your teeth when you ate birds not that Bucky would know what to do with a bird if he ever somehow managed to catch one and not for writing) and made his way back up.
"You're being racist! Not all cats like milk products! Most of us only like cheese if someone else is about to eat it. Do you have cheese on you? Anyone? Fine, be that way. I didn't want it anyway."
OhtEr peepuLz CHEeZ, he scrawled under the question.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"The object isn't to kill them right off! First you get their credit card information. Then you eat their food. Also, I bet Barney is prime claw-sharpering material. Just look at him! He's all big and plushy like a giant teddy bear. Oh, and I would use Carrottop's hair as carpeting."
ThEY bOtH DYE (& giV Bucky MONNIE)
3. What time is it where you are?
"Hm." He didn't carry a watch, because Satchel had a watch and Satchel was a loser, and therefore watches were for losers and dogs. French dogs, even. "I use my super awesome cat abilities to deduce that it is past my naptime. Also past salmon-time."
I am PASST TIme
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Ew, humans! That's just wrong. Humans are all hairless and gross. It'd be like dating an uncooked chicken. Would you date uncooked chicken?" He paused. "Do you have uncooked chicken?
Anyway. I would force myself on either Severus Snape or Molly Weasley. Yes, I'd force them to take care of me. Except maybe not Molly Weasley because her name sounds too much like 'weasel' and all weasels should die. But she sounds like she makes good food."
SNEP or MOlLee
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"That's so obvious!"
I'M GoiN TO be in SLiTHrEEN
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"AHA! LIBERALS!" Bucky jumped to his feet and pointed wildly at nothing in particular with the paw that wasn't holding the parchment. "You have to let me in if we're surrounded by liberals and treehuggers and vegetarians and weasels! We can't have Harry marrying Fred or George. That'd be like having horses marry bicycles! You can't have horses marrying bicycles! What would you tell the children?! Put me in Slytherin! For morality! For tuna! Vote Bucky Katt in '09!"
VOTe BUCKY
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Because you don't have a cat like me to take care of it for you. And by 'take care of' I mean I'd knock it onto the floor and sleep on whatever I don't chase into another room. And you'd owe me a service fee."
I AM AWSUM
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Um, hello? I'm a cat?" And because Bucky could no more refuse a chance to brag and talk about himself than he could stop hating ferrets, he added, "I'm a Ren fair cat. I do everything. I'm an author, a politician, a philosopher, a producer, and one day I'm going to be the king of presidents and a reality TV star."
I AM STIL AWSUM
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"Hm." Normally he'd just point to his huge and awesome fang, but he seemed to remember hearing that that was a threat and he really really wanted to stay at Hogwarts. Instead, he jumped down and dug around in his backpack. "Well, you can't have Smacky," he said, hugging a small toy bear to him. "Smacky's mine. And you can't have my bowl or Ro-my wallet. Or Ms. Pretty." The battered rag doll was squished, one-armed and floppy, at the bottom of his bag, anyway. "I have a copy of Where's Ivano that you can have, from my time as an author of Russian children's stories. And I better not see it on ebay! That thing will be worth money some day! And here," he said, pulling out a flag with a red leaf on it. "A Canadian flag that I liberated. I'm not a filthy Canadian so I don't need it. I mostly just took it so that nobody else can have it. And I suppose that I can part with an extra 'Monkeywhere?' shirt. But only one. After that, you have to pay! Bucky Katt does nothing for free! OR! I could read you poetry! Tips are accepted and encouraged. And none of this 'constructive criticism' junk! Crampin' my style, more like."
"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. BK
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. BK
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. BK
One day, marmalade will rule the world. BK"
On two feet. Wearing a backpack almost as big as he was. And he wore a green tie that covered most of his face and shoulders and dragged on the floor behind him.
"All right! Bucky Katt is here! Now bring on the Sorting Hat and put me in Slytherin." He waited, tail twitching. Nothing happened. He sniffed, adjusted his tie (green for Slytherin! He came prepared) and clambered up on the table. Hm. Paper. Should he chew on it? No, there were things written on it. Maybe it was a welcome letter to the illustrious Bucky Katt. He plopped his butt down on the table (and only just resisted the urge to sit on the parchment; paper with words written on is a virtual magnet for cat butts), cleared his throat, and started to read.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Ah. It was a questionnaire! He scrambled down to get a pencil out of his backpack (because feathers were what you picked out of your teeth when you ate birds not that Bucky would know what to do with a bird if he ever somehow managed to catch one and not for writing) and made his way back up.
"You're being racist! Not all cats like milk products! Most of us only like cheese if someone else is about to eat it. Do you have cheese on you? Anyone? Fine, be that way. I didn't want it anyway."
OhtEr peepuLz CHEeZ, he scrawled under the question.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"The object isn't to kill them right off! First you get their credit card information. Then you eat their food. Also, I bet Barney is prime claw-sharpering material. Just look at him! He's all big and plushy like a giant teddy bear. Oh, and I would use Carrottop's hair as carpeting."
ThEY bOtH DYE (& giV Bucky MONNIE)
3. What time is it where you are?
"Hm." He didn't carry a watch, because Satchel had a watch and Satchel was a loser, and therefore watches were for losers and dogs. French dogs, even. "I use my super awesome cat abilities to deduce that it is past my naptime. Also past salmon-time."
I am PASST TIme
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Ew, humans! That's just wrong. Humans are all hairless and gross. It'd be like dating an uncooked chicken. Would you date uncooked chicken?" He paused. "Do you have uncooked chicken?
Anyway. I would force myself on either Severus Snape or Molly Weasley. Yes, I'd force them to take care of me. Except maybe not Molly Weasley because her name sounds too much like 'weasel' and all weasels should die. But she sounds like she makes good food."
SNEP or MOlLee
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"That's so obvious!"
I'M GoiN TO be in SLiTHrEEN
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"AHA! LIBERALS!" Bucky jumped to his feet and pointed wildly at nothing in particular with the paw that wasn't holding the parchment. "You have to let me in if we're surrounded by liberals and treehuggers and vegetarians and weasels! We can't have Harry marrying Fred or George. That'd be like having horses marry bicycles! You can't have horses marrying bicycles! What would you tell the children?! Put me in Slytherin! For morality! For tuna! Vote Bucky Katt in '09!"
VOTe BUCKY
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Because you don't have a cat like me to take care of it for you. And by 'take care of' I mean I'd knock it onto the floor and sleep on whatever I don't chase into another room. And you'd owe me a service fee."
I AM AWSUM
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Um, hello? I'm a cat?" And because Bucky could no more refuse a chance to brag and talk about himself than he could stop hating ferrets, he added, "I'm a Ren fair cat. I do everything. I'm an author, a politician, a philosopher, a producer, and one day I'm going to be the king of presidents and a reality TV star."
I AM STIL AWSUM
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"Hm." Normally he'd just point to his huge and awesome fang, but he seemed to remember hearing that that was a threat and he really really wanted to stay at Hogwarts. Instead, he jumped down and dug around in his backpack. "Well, you can't have Smacky," he said, hugging a small toy bear to him. "Smacky's mine. And you can't have my bowl or Ro-my wallet. Or Ms. Pretty." The battered rag doll was squished, one-armed and floppy, at the bottom of his bag, anyway. "I have a copy of Where's Ivano that you can have, from my time as an author of Russian children's stories. And I better not see it on ebay! That thing will be worth money some day! And here," he said, pulling out a flag with a red leaf on it. "A Canadian flag that I liberated. I'm not a filthy Canadian so I don't need it. I mostly just took it so that nobody else can have it. And I suppose that I can part with an extra 'Monkeywhere?' shirt. But only one. After that, you have to pay! Bucky Katt does nothing for free! OR! I could read you poetry! Tips are accepted and encouraged. And none of this 'constructive criticism' junk! Crampin' my style, more like."
"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. BK
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. BK
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. BK
One day, marmalade will rule the world. BK"