Application: GLaDOS - Portal
There's a giant, metal, robotic, construct hanging from the ceiling in the Sorting Room. When (if?) accepted, she will move to her room and find some other way to get around the castle; but for now, she's here. And since she's an insane computer built by people who were potentially even more insane, being here doesn't really elicit more than vaguely curious staring. And a desire for cake, but that went without saying.
"Hello?" she called out. "Is anyone there?" And if there was a slightly plaintive note in her computerized monotone, well, could you really blame her? Life just wasn't worth living without people to do research on.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"The only good cheese is cream cheese. You can make cake out of it."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
GLaDOS stretched out a bit to get a better look at the question, but it still seemed to be asking what she thought it was asking. "The most efficient method would be terminate them at the same time. If that proves impossible, their schedules must be ascertained in order to first kill whomever is closest." She considered that for a moment, then amended, "Of course, you can always bring them to me at the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. We can always use more people to help with the research."
3. What time is it where you are?
Adopting a darker, more seductive tone, she chuckled and said, "Time for the deadly neurotoxin..." Then she paused, swiveled around a bit, and said with her normal voice, "Just kidding. Ha ha."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Without knowing Albus Dumbledore or the members belonging to the Order of the Pheonix, I cannot predict what Albus Dumbledore will do." What? Even a genius-intelligent supercomputer had her limits. "However, a trend I have noticed among human males is that they will choose whatever female secretary is wearing the shortest skirt."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"I cannot bartend, in the dark or otherwise. I lack hands, as I'm sure you can see." Now, don't you feel bad for asking?
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Marriage is a human concept," she replied in offhand sort of way. "They should form a three-way partnership, thereby combining their strengths and minimizing hurt feelings. But if my study of human nature is anything to go by, and I have studied it extensively, he will agonize over the decision, string both of them along for several months, and finally go off with a fourth party, leaving the remaining two despondent and as likely to commit suicide as find solace with each other."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Clearly, you have not moved into the Computer Age yet. That is amusing. I pity you. But not enough to help you without some form of useful compensation."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"If you don't have the intelligence to figure that out on your own, then any attempt on my part to enlighten you will only waste both our times."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
GLaDOS thrashed a bit, not quite distressed, but certainly confused. "Items don't have to belong to the applicant? What a silly concept. Anyone could come in here offering the Golden Gate Br-brrr-iii..." She stuttered to a halt and was quiet for several seconds before recovering her aplomb. "I can offer you Black Mesa. It is a slightly used scientific research facility that once specialized in theoretical physics, experimental propulsion, and lasers, to name a few. The facility is somewhat disused, but I'm sure it just needs a few coats of paint."
(("I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. GLaDOS
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. GLaDOS
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. GLaDOS
One day, marmalade will rule the world. GLaDOS"))
"Hello?" she called out. "Is anyone there?" And if there was a slightly plaintive note in her computerized monotone, well, could you really blame her? Life just wasn't worth living without people to do research on.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"The only good cheese is cream cheese. You can make cake out of it."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
GLaDOS stretched out a bit to get a better look at the question, but it still seemed to be asking what she thought it was asking. "The most efficient method would be terminate them at the same time. If that proves impossible, their schedules must be ascertained in order to first kill whomever is closest." She considered that for a moment, then amended, "Of course, you can always bring them to me at the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. We can always use more people to help with the research."
3. What time is it where you are?
Adopting a darker, more seductive tone, she chuckled and said, "Time for the deadly neurotoxin..." Then she paused, swiveled around a bit, and said with her normal voice, "Just kidding. Ha ha."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Without knowing Albus Dumbledore or the members belonging to the Order of the Pheonix, I cannot predict what Albus Dumbledore will do." What? Even a genius-intelligent supercomputer had her limits. "However, a trend I have noticed among human males is that they will choose whatever female secretary is wearing the shortest skirt."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"I cannot bartend, in the dark or otherwise. I lack hands, as I'm sure you can see." Now, don't you feel bad for asking?
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Marriage is a human concept," she replied in offhand sort of way. "They should form a three-way partnership, thereby combining their strengths and minimizing hurt feelings. But if my study of human nature is anything to go by, and I have studied it extensively, he will agonize over the decision, string both of them along for several months, and finally go off with a fourth party, leaving the remaining two despondent and as likely to commit suicide as find solace with each other."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Clearly, you have not moved into the Computer Age yet. That is amusing. I pity you. But not enough to help you without some form of useful compensation."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"If you don't have the intelligence to figure that out on your own, then any attempt on my part to enlighten you will only waste both our times."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
GLaDOS thrashed a bit, not quite distressed, but certainly confused. "Items don't have to belong to the applicant? What a silly concept. Anyone could come in here offering the Golden Gate Br-brrr-iii..." She stuttered to a halt and was quiet for several seconds before recovering her aplomb. "I can offer you Black Mesa. It is a slightly used scientific research facility that once specialized in theoretical physics, experimental propulsion, and lasers, to name a few. The facility is somewhat disused, but I'm sure it just needs a few coats of paint."
(("I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. GLaDOS
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. GLaDOS
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. GLaDOS
One day, marmalade will rule the world. GLaDOS"))