Closed RP: Chinchillas and Commiseration (Lezard/Hermione)

[curlybrain]

Earlier that week, Hermione had arranged with Lezard to meet in her office to discuss her upcoming Defense Against the Dark Arts class. And, in fact, she did have a pile of notes on her desk. But at the appointed time, she was distracted by one of Amaranth's invitations to the impromptu Turlough-Hagrid wedding shower. She was pacing her office,

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[arrogantmage]

Lezard took the paper and uncrumpled it. "Ah. Yes, I received one of these shortly before my arrival here. The hostess is, ah, a close friend of mine. I feel it would be poor manners not to attend." He studied Hermione's face. Hagrid was her friend, and she was upset, yes. Perhaps this was not a reaction solely about Hagrid ... ? He hoped not. He would not like to argue against the marriage, and hoped it lasted a long time indeed.

He smoothed the paper further, then -- tiring of the care it required -- straightened it to pristine and uncreased condition with a zap of purple light before setting it gently on the desk. "I expect you were prepared, before you learned of this. I rather think it would be difficult to extricate Sir Hagrid from this marriage. If there is something I can do to cheer him, I would happily oblige, but even my sorceries do not avail against the Sorting Hat." Had Amaranth specified the Hat's connivance in her invitation? "I knew of this marriage before the invitation, as Amaranth knew of it, since the Hat compelled my attendance. Turlough is an acquaintance of mine, you see. I would have told you, had I realized you possessed an interest in Hagrid's marital status," this with a slight half-smile.

[curlybrain]

Hermione heaved out another sigh. "I'm not upset with Amaranth," she said. "I like her, despite her... erm... eccentricities." This was because Amaranth was the only other member of S.P.E.W. II: Electric Boogaloo. "And Hagrid can marry whomever he wants," she said. "But he ought to have been given a choice!" She sighed. "I suppose I'll go to the shower myself... And I may even bring a present, because it's good manners, and because Hagrid is my friend, but I don't want to send the hat the message that I support these shenanigans! Because... honestly, shotgun weddings! Hrmph."

[arrogantmage]

A distinctly odd look passed across Lezard's face, something like horror and amusement in conflict. "Shotgun weddings are, I thought, induced due to the gravid state of one spouse?"

[curlybrain]

Hermione stared in shocked horror at Lezard, letting the implications sink in. "That's the way I understand them to work in the muggle world," she said. "And I certainly hope Luna Lovegood hasn't really discovered a way to impregnate a man." Yes, before Luna hd succumbed to popcorning, she had explained her fascination to Hermione. It had been one of the least comfortable conversations Hermione had ever had.

"Well, anyway," she said briskly. "As I understand it, it isn't as if Mr. Turlough or Hagrid would have had time for that sort of magic to be performed on them, even by the hat. And in any event, it would be a physical imposibility." Or so Hermione fervently hoped.

[arrogantmage]

"I do recall that as a preoccupation of Luna's," murmured Lezard, who had spent an uncomfortable (albeit mercifully truncated) evening with Luna discussing just such issues. Strong Bad ex machina had saved him from too much knowledge thereof. "I would not have expected her to get very far in any such research, but it is always a possibility she provided unfortunate ... inspiration ... for the Sorting Hat."

He took a seat in the extra chair, and folded his leather-gloved hands in a businesslike sort of repose. "Physical impossibilities are not always so impossible as one thinks. My primary research interests have been, you might say, biothaumaturgical. Perhaps if something has been done to your friend, I can undo it."

[curlybrain]

Hermione didn't bother to suppress her shudder. "I really, really hope it doesn't come to that," she said. "Especially as I'm not certain how the hat would know if either of them had, by some miracle, managed to conceive a child. But I still think a wedding shower is unnecessary. It will simply encourage the hat. And Hogwarts doesn't need to be made into more of a circus than it already is."

[arrogantmage]

Lezard laughed. "I fear it's too late to prevent a circus, if we're speaking of Hogwarts as a whole! Where the wedding shower is concerned, I believe it would be more rather than less embarrassing to your friend if the event were to be somehow canceled or blocked. Let him put a brave face on it. The shower was not the Hat's doing, but Amaranth's, and I have every confidence she meant well. She usually does -- nymphs can be astonishingly naive creatures."

Oh, Lezard, like you've known so many nymphs in your life.

"If it would make you feel better, you should speak with her and she will reassure you. Our behaving normally should, if anything, discourage the Hat. It has the attention span of a drugged flea. If we bring presents, are cordial, act respectably, and so forth, surely it will lose interest." He pushed his glasses up, a habit of his even when unnecessary for the glasses' sake. Peering at Hermione, he frowned a little: "Does the state of the school perturb you deeply? A circus, as you say?"

[curlybrain]

"I suppose you're right," Hermione admitted reluctantly. "It will only make things worse to draw negative attention. Now I suppose I should think of a sensible present." She gave another put-upon sigh. "Yes. Hogwarts as a whole... I don't like the direction it's gone. I mean, it was an honor to be selected to attend, and we got a good education. Nowadays, people just seem to be plopped here, whether they want to be or not, and... well, there are only rarely classes, the hat is obviously insane, and I hate to think that people consider Hogwarts to be the entirety of what the wizarding world is about."

[arrogantmage]

Lezard suspected this particular rant had been building for a long time. His usual impulse would be to try fixing the problem, as a way of showing off and hopefully inducing gratitude. Hermione's problem was unfortunately one he could not fix.

"For some of these people," he pointed out reasonably, "Hogwarts is an asylum from terrible strife or unlivable conditions. Others would not be alive without this shelter. It is not an entirely deplorable thing. I doubt that's much consolation to you ..." He rose and began to pace, in the manner of a mage who is doing much thinking. "Nonetheless, you are doing what you can. You've stepped up to teach a sorely needed class. You will be sharing your expertise with others. These are not insignificant contributions." Suddenly he stopped, and began to laugh. "I am not the best person with which to discuss such a thing. From my own school I was expelled, and promptly went to create my own tower where I worked alone. I am not ... a likely facilitator for institutional advancement." Quieting: "But I will help you in what small ways I can. In the class, certainly, as we've arranged. What of the party? I can certainly introduce you to Amaranth, if you've not yet met, and I think you would remember her if you had."

[curlybrain]

Hermione nodded. "I had heard that some people were brought here before they died, back home," she answered. "So I suppose I take your point. But I still don't like it. Nonetheless, I do appreciate the help." His comment about Amaranth coaxed a laugh from her. "Oh, we've met. She also shares my beliefs about house elf rights. She just goes about expressing them in a way that I wouldn't." Hermione pa used to congratulate herself on having phrased that tactfully. Because, really, she thought Amaranth was a bit of a freak, but given that she was a friend of Lezard's, that was probably an opinion best not aired at this particular moment.

[arrogantmage]

"Mm." An utterly noncommittal acknowledgement of the information conveyed. Lezard did not share the SPEW philosophy of house elf liberation. He preferred to accept the house elves' own assurances that they lived to serve. This he considered a far more accurate, not to say more useful, concept of the house-elf's raison d'être. "All to the better that you've met. You'll understand then that she's not one to act as a pawn for the Sorting Hat. She thinks well of both Hagrid and Turlough -- in fact, if I'm not mistaken, she has allowed Turlough to enjoy her nymphly favors. If the wedding shower turns into a 'circus', Amaranth will be as horrified as you will, I'm sure." Unless the circus involved an orgy, granted, in which case Amy would be all up ons.

"I cannot quite decide on a wedding present for the groundskeepers, myself." He had been considering some highly embarrassing items. Hermione's outspoken defense of Hagrid made that now an unadvisable move. He'd need to think of something else. Something that might annoy Turlough, but would be harmless to Hagrid. "Perhaps ... a chinchilla?"

[curlybrain]

Hermione nodded. "That's reassuring, at least. If Amaranth isn't the sort of person to be needlessly cruel--and she probably wouldn't hve joined SPEW if she were--then the whole thing will be fine." At Lezard's comment about giving the groundskeepers a chinchilla, she grinned. "I like that idea... But Hagrid wouldn't want you to give up Juan Valdez!" Clearly, Hermione did not know the extent of Lezard's mad powers!

[arrogantmage]

"Give up Juan Valdez? That would not be possible. He is a necessity to my work. No, I would give them quite another chinchilla. The time allotted is not sufficient to grow a chinchilla in the laboratory, so they will have to content themselves with an unenhanced chinchilla. It could be special in other ways ... perhaps a white chinchilla, for the marital symbolism of the color?"

[curlybrain]

Hermione decided she didn't want to know about how Lezard could grow a chinchilla. "I think that's sweet," she confessed. "I'm sure Hagrid will love it! Even if the marriage isn't something he ever wanted, he'll appreciate the sentiment."

[arrogantmage]

"Very well," said Lezard, pleased. "He will also need grooming tools and a supply of lava dust for the chinchilla's bath. I will acquire for him the brother of Juan Valdez."

Whose name the planchette would reveal to be Exxon.

"If you like, we may postpone our class planning time until before the shower, then go straight to the event together. I expect you will want this afternoon for shopping."

[curlybrain]

"That's reasonable," Hermione said briskly. "I look forward to it." She told herself she wasn't doing anything unethical with her TA, considering they were going to a wedding shower and not, say, to hogsmead. Therefore, this only looked uncomfortably like a date. Right, Hermione. Just keep up those delusions. "I'm sorry I've been so distracted that we couldn't have our meeting."