application for Lezard Valeth (Valkyrie Profile games)
Glowing blue particles appear in the air of the Sorting Room. At first they are scattered, like insects in a loose swarm.
They coalesce into a humanoid outline. The outline solidifies in a sudden whoosh of displaced air: where there was a luminescent blur, now there floats a young man, dressed for travel in a billowing cloak over sturdy breeches and boots. In one hand he holds a wand whose name is too grandiose to inflict unasked.
He has untidy brown hair, and hazel eyes occluded by round spectacles. He can't be more than a couple of years out of magic academy, surely. He may look like someone you know, though if you came close enough to brush the long bangs away from his forehead (and oh, how he would shiver if you did, if he allowed you that close), you would find no lightning-bolt scar there.
He hovers a few inches off the ground, for the time being, and glances around the room as if expecting an ambush. Seeing nothing, he smiles. When a disembodied voice begins to ask him questions, he answers cheerily, unfazed. Nor does the quill alarm him as it takes down his answers without the guidance of a visible hand.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
This question brings out the hidden (and purely rhetorical!) Smoove B side of Lezard. "I've come to appreciate fine cheeses," he begins smoothly. He's practiced this voice for hundreds of hours at least, in front of his mirror. The voice is triple-creme Brie: silken, rich, and incredibly cheesy.
"You'll find I appreciate many fine things, Lenneth Valkyrie. There's so much you haven't taken the trouble to find out about me. Trust me when I say I shall take great pleasure in showing you. Would you care for a chevre, or an assortment of artisanal cheeses? I can teleport them here from the king's pantry in Crell Monferaigne, or from the caves deep beneath the Artolian mountains. No expenditure of magical might is too ludicrous or petty for my beloved goddess."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
The young mage affects a yawn. "Neither of those creatures could stand against my power long enough to make the fight worth picking. Yet you know I would do anything for you. I would kill them if it pleased you. Would it amuse you to watch me crush the inane purple dinosaur creature? Would it tickle you to watch the redheaded buffoon fling aside his props as his body convulses beneath the needle points of a thousand icicles, summoned forth from Niflheim by a flick of my fingers? Have you developed --" here he cannot quite muffle the beginnings of a deranged giggle -- "refined tastes, as I have? You surprise me still!"
3. What time is it where you are?
Abruptly all expression leaches from his face. He is utterly blank. He stares.
Then he twitches. Then he forces a smile.
"I am not bound by the arch of time. I have created my own world. Even your power could not banish me from Midgard, or hold me there if I did not will it ..."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Ah, you have developed such delightfully outrageous interests! How intriguing. How very different from the stoicism I'm accustomed to hearing from you. Perhaps a temporary integration with your sisters' personalities has leavened your spirits, my love. I wonder if it's changed you in ... other ways? Silmeria is so adventurous, and Hrist so deliciously stern, in those leather things she wears ... Aha..ha."
He appears to suffer a sudden coughing fit, mercifully brief in duration.
"Where was I? Ah, yes, sexual harassment. Sexual harassment." His voice has regained its silken composure. "I wouldn't know anything about that, I'm afraid!"
Sure he wouldn't.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"A gamut of names from the self-deprecating to the grandiose suggest themselves. You have but to choose one. Then I will prepare for you drinks beyond your wildest imagination." With the magical equivalent of Rohypnol as a garnish, no doubt. "Perhaps we should call the bar The Sovereign's Rite, and the signature drink will be called ... Transcendence!!!"
Smitten by the sheer chutzpah of naming a bar after his own (cryptic) transgressions, he breaks into a sudden cackle.
Ordinarily he would show more restraint in his maniacal laughter, when off the battlefield. He's just a little more unhinged than usual, thanks to his most recent experiences, and it's starting to really show.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
All that coughing and crazed laughter has dislodged his spectacles a little. Lezard pushes the glasses up the bridge of his nose, a habitual gesture of his that often half-conceals a smirk.
"Is it storytime? Very well, then. Let me tell you a story about 'Harry', 'Fred', and 'George'. Harry: a delicate creature whose frail-seeming exterior concealed a soul of steel, possessed of powers beyond mortal imagining! The turmoil and long-repressed emotions within Harry cried out for expression. Alas, Harry simply did not know how to love or to be loved. The ever-faithful Fred had been waiting for so very long, doing everything he could to prove himself worthy of Harry. Building a tower full of complex puzzles, creating an army of homunculi, and last but not least, becoming the top necromancer in his class at magic school. Fred wished only to make Harry happy beyond both their wildest dreams."
He pauses for dramatic effect.
"Before Fred could make his intent known ... George arrived on the scene. George had the bad grace to die at an inopportune moment, attracting Harry's attention. George's spirit began to travel the world with Harry, fighting monsters. Together they unleashed combo attacks that Harry found frankly addictive. Fred could see how that might feel thrilling to one such as Harry, one who had not known the pleasures of companionship. For Fred too had spent all his young life alone. He tried to tell himself he must forgive Harry. Surely when Harry saw the potential in Fred, the inferior George would be forgotten in seconds flat! But then ..."
He shakes his head slowly and mournfully. It may be noticed that Lezard really needs a haircut.
"Harry disappointed Fred. All Fred's homunculi, the great magical tower he had built, the knowledge he had compiled, this was nothing compared to the brawn of George. George ... the jock! What could Harry see in him?! Understandably, Fred became very, very angry and distraught. When Ragnarok destroyed the earth and Fred was the only human to survive, he could not even take joy in outliving all his enemies! George had already been dead and there was no getting rid of him! Oh, Harry claimed not to love George, or indeed to be capable of love for any mortal, but that was such cold comfort ..."
Lezard sighs and hugs himself, arms crossed against an invisible and impalpable chill.
"Such a long and tedious story. If only Harry would relent, it could have a happy ending still."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
This question offers a welcome change of pace. Lezard snaps his fingers, no mean feat when you're constantly wearing leather gloves. "You should practice creative housekeeping. Read and commit to memory every scrap of paperwork, then cast Astral Maze on all of it. Presto, clean desk!"
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Oh, that's not the right tack to take at all. Lezard's spine stiffens.
"Lezard Valeth? Useless? All creation will learn my name!"
And now you know his name too. Huzzah!
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
The last question still rankles, clearly. He throws his hands wide in an expansive gesture. He is still hovering rather than standing; the overall effect is of someone about to unleash a critical attack. One that would use up many, many points on that meter at the bottom of your screen. You do have that meter at the bottom of your screen, don't you? No matter. Lezard does not need the meter. His pure awesomeness defies such strictures.
"You'll find I can be very generous. Ask for what you want, and I may decide to grant it."
Go ahead. Take him up on that.
(("I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. LEZARD VALETH!!!
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. LEZARD VALETH!!!.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. LEZARD VALETH!!!.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. LEZARD VALETH!!!"))
They coalesce into a humanoid outline. The outline solidifies in a sudden whoosh of displaced air: where there was a luminescent blur, now there floats a young man, dressed for travel in a billowing cloak over sturdy breeches and boots. In one hand he holds a wand whose name is too grandiose to inflict unasked.
He has untidy brown hair, and hazel eyes occluded by round spectacles. He can't be more than a couple of years out of magic academy, surely. He may look like someone you know, though if you came close enough to brush the long bangs away from his forehead (and oh, how he would shiver if you did, if he allowed you that close), you would find no lightning-bolt scar there.
He hovers a few inches off the ground, for the time being, and glances around the room as if expecting an ambush. Seeing nothing, he smiles. When a disembodied voice begins to ask him questions, he answers cheerily, unfazed. Nor does the quill alarm him as it takes down his answers without the guidance of a visible hand.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
This question brings out the hidden (and purely rhetorical!) Smoove B side of Lezard. "I've come to appreciate fine cheeses," he begins smoothly. He's practiced this voice for hundreds of hours at least, in front of his mirror. The voice is triple-creme Brie: silken, rich, and incredibly cheesy.
"You'll find I appreciate many fine things, Lenneth Valkyrie. There's so much you haven't taken the trouble to find out about me. Trust me when I say I shall take great pleasure in showing you. Would you care for a chevre, or an assortment of artisanal cheeses? I can teleport them here from the king's pantry in Crell Monferaigne, or from the caves deep beneath the Artolian mountains. No expenditure of magical might is too ludicrous or petty for my beloved goddess."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
The young mage affects a yawn. "Neither of those creatures could stand against my power long enough to make the fight worth picking. Yet you know I would do anything for you. I would kill them if it pleased you. Would it amuse you to watch me crush the inane purple dinosaur creature? Would it tickle you to watch the redheaded buffoon fling aside his props as his body convulses beneath the needle points of a thousand icicles, summoned forth from Niflheim by a flick of my fingers? Have you developed --" here he cannot quite muffle the beginnings of a deranged giggle -- "refined tastes, as I have? You surprise me still!"
3. What time is it where you are?
Abruptly all expression leaches from his face. He is utterly blank. He stares.
Then he twitches. Then he forces a smile.
"I am not bound by the arch of time. I have created my own world. Even your power could not banish me from Midgard, or hold me there if I did not will it ..."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Ah, you have developed such delightfully outrageous interests! How intriguing. How very different from the stoicism I'm accustomed to hearing from you. Perhaps a temporary integration with your sisters' personalities has leavened your spirits, my love. I wonder if it's changed you in ... other ways? Silmeria is so adventurous, and Hrist so deliciously stern, in those leather things she wears ... Aha..ha."
He appears to suffer a sudden coughing fit, mercifully brief in duration.
"Where was I? Ah, yes, sexual harassment. Sexual harassment." His voice has regained its silken composure. "I wouldn't know anything about that, I'm afraid!"
Sure he wouldn't.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"A gamut of names from the self-deprecating to the grandiose suggest themselves. You have but to choose one. Then I will prepare for you drinks beyond your wildest imagination." With the magical equivalent of Rohypnol as a garnish, no doubt. "Perhaps we should call the bar The Sovereign's Rite, and the signature drink will be called ... Transcendence!!!"
Smitten by the sheer chutzpah of naming a bar after his own (cryptic) transgressions, he breaks into a sudden cackle.
Ordinarily he would show more restraint in his maniacal laughter, when off the battlefield. He's just a little more unhinged than usual, thanks to his most recent experiences, and it's starting to really show.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
All that coughing and crazed laughter has dislodged his spectacles a little. Lezard pushes the glasses up the bridge of his nose, a habitual gesture of his that often half-conceals a smirk.
"Is it storytime? Very well, then. Let me tell you a story about 'Harry', 'Fred', and 'George'. Harry: a delicate creature whose frail-seeming exterior concealed a soul of steel, possessed of powers beyond mortal imagining! The turmoil and long-repressed emotions within Harry cried out for expression. Alas, Harry simply did not know how to love or to be loved. The ever-faithful Fred had been waiting for so very long, doing everything he could to prove himself worthy of Harry. Building a tower full of complex puzzles, creating an army of homunculi, and last but not least, becoming the top necromancer in his class at magic school. Fred wished only to make Harry happy beyond both their wildest dreams."
He pauses for dramatic effect.
"Before Fred could make his intent known ... George arrived on the scene. George had the bad grace to die at an inopportune moment, attracting Harry's attention. George's spirit began to travel the world with Harry, fighting monsters. Together they unleashed combo attacks that Harry found frankly addictive. Fred could see how that might feel thrilling to one such as Harry, one who had not known the pleasures of companionship. For Fred too had spent all his young life alone. He tried to tell himself he must forgive Harry. Surely when Harry saw the potential in Fred, the inferior George would be forgotten in seconds flat! But then ..."
He shakes his head slowly and mournfully. It may be noticed that Lezard really needs a haircut.
"Harry disappointed Fred. All Fred's homunculi, the great magical tower he had built, the knowledge he had compiled, this was nothing compared to the brawn of George. George ... the jock! What could Harry see in him?! Understandably, Fred became very, very angry and distraught. When Ragnarok destroyed the earth and Fred was the only human to survive, he could not even take joy in outliving all his enemies! George had already been dead and there was no getting rid of him! Oh, Harry claimed not to love George, or indeed to be capable of love for any mortal, but that was such cold comfort ..."
Lezard sighs and hugs himself, arms crossed against an invisible and impalpable chill.
"Such a long and tedious story. If only Harry would relent, it could have a happy ending still."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
This question offers a welcome change of pace. Lezard snaps his fingers, no mean feat when you're constantly wearing leather gloves. "You should practice creative housekeeping. Read and commit to memory every scrap of paperwork, then cast Astral Maze on all of it. Presto, clean desk!"
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Oh, that's not the right tack to take at all. Lezard's spine stiffens.
"Lezard Valeth? Useless? All creation will learn my name!"
And now you know his name too. Huzzah!
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
The last question still rankles, clearly. He throws his hands wide in an expansive gesture. He is still hovering rather than standing; the overall effect is of someone about to unleash a critical attack. One that would use up many, many points on that meter at the bottom of your screen. You do have that meter at the bottom of your screen, don't you? No matter. Lezard does not need the meter. His pure awesomeness defies such strictures.
"You'll find I can be very generous. Ask for what you want, and I may decide to grant it."
Go ahead. Take him up on that.
(("I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. LEZARD VALETH!!!
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. LEZARD VALETH!!!.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. LEZARD VALETH!!!.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. LEZARD VALETH!!!"))