Patrick Bateman, American Psycho
Patrick looked at the paper in front of him before looking around the room itself. He didn't recall exactly how he ended up in the room or why, but he wouldn't show this. Maintaining his mechanical smile, Patrick carefully removed a pen from his breast pocket. Exhaling, he casually glanced around. He intended to pick up his sheets, blood stained at 400 thread count, not to be answering some sort of sociological survey that would no doubt try and classify him as something lower than he was.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese is dairy and often leads to fatty deposits and clogged pores. I stay away from cheese.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I would kill them both, but in very different ways. I'd start by slowly cutting off that purple fucks tail, just to see him scream and maybe sing some child-like lullaby in agonizing pain. Plus, it'd be fun to see him lose balance. Carrottop? He's not worth the energy or wasted resources; a carefully aimed nail gun to the ear will suffice I don't know who Barney or Carrottop is. Someone like me doesn't have to kill anyone. I get what I want other ways.
3. What time is it where you are?
I was supposed to pick up my dry-cleaning at 4pm. I'm never late, so it must be 4.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Sexual harassment is so cliche'. I would start by ordering each and everyone to go down on each other in a circle. As they start to eat and devour each other, I'd order them, with quarter-inch screws and 1 1/4 inch stainless steel construction nails, to remove the skin of the person they're fucking.
Next question, please.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I'd never bartend, but Pancha Club, uptown, is a great place to meet potential clients, potential one-nights, and potential victims. They also have great coke in the bathrooms.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Homosexuals should never, under any circumstance be able to marry. What next, legalized murder and fringe benefits for psychopathic murderers?
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Because I am an official at P&P and have a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. That's why I have paperwork.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy.
I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I can offer you some video tapes. I have a lot of video tapes I have to return. I'll give them to you.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _______PB_____
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____PB_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ______PB_____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _______PB ______"
((This is Patrick Bateman. If you know him, it's to be expected, if not, WARNING. HE HAS VERY DETAILED, VIVID, VIOLENT inner-monologues which are represented in italics. He won't really kill anyone, just will think about it. A lot.))
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese is dairy and often leads to fatty deposits and clogged pores. I stay away from cheese.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I would kill them both, but in very different ways. I'd start by slowly cutting off that purple fucks tail, just to see him scream and maybe sing some child-like lullaby in agonizing pain. Plus, it'd be fun to see him lose balance. Carrottop? He's not worth the energy or wasted resources; a carefully aimed nail gun to the ear will suffice I don't know who Barney or Carrottop is. Someone like me doesn't have to kill anyone. I get what I want other ways.
3. What time is it where you are?
I was supposed to pick up my dry-cleaning at 4pm. I'm never late, so it must be 4.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Sexual harassment is so cliche'. I would start by ordering each and everyone to go down on each other in a circle. As they start to eat and devour each other, I'd order them, with quarter-inch screws and 1 1/4 inch stainless steel construction nails, to remove the skin of the person they're fucking.
Next question, please.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I'd never bartend, but Pancha Club, uptown, is a great place to meet potential clients, potential one-nights, and potential victims. They also have great coke in the bathrooms.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Homosexuals should never, under any circumstance be able to marry. What next, legalized murder and fringe benefits for psychopathic murderers?
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Because I am an official at P&P and have a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. That's why I have paperwork.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy.
I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I can offer you some video tapes. I have a lot of video tapes I have to return. I'll give them to you.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _______PB_____
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____PB_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ______PB_____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _______PB ______"
((This is Patrick Bateman. If you know him, it's to be expected, if not, WARNING. HE HAS VERY DETAILED, VIVID, VIOLENT inner-monologues which are represented in italics. He won't really kill anyone, just will think about it. A lot.))