Application for William Murderface (Metalocalypse)
(cleared with the other Metalocalypse muns)
Mordhouse was really a sucky place to be alone in. Yeah he could piss in all the
corners and could use passing cars on the expressway for target practice
without that dick manager flapping his tongue about “potential lawsuit.” He could
even free ball in the Jacuzzi without getting any crap for it.
But it was getting too quiet. As much as he hated his bandmates, Murderface
realized he could never truly be away from them for too long without getting
lonely. It was a definite moment of truth. A few rings of a few contacts
(and Tom Sizemore was a huge help) and a few bribed Brazilian witch
doctors later, he was entering the sorting room at Hogwarts.
A short man with a beer gut, overly curly brown hair, and a thick
moustache wearing a blue t-shirt, black shorts, combat boots, and a
black vest approached the table with the application. He stuck a large
knife into the table before giving the application a serious look over.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Murderface cocked an eyebrow.
“I come all the way into this fucked up place and the first thing they ask
me is about cheese. I mean…come on. Oh, I get it, it’s one of those tests.
Yeah you answer a certain way and some dick in a white coat can say if your
nuts or some kind of fucking genius Well I guess I can play along. Umm, goat
cheese…from Chinese goats…that live in trees. You know that stuff sounds
really tasty.”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
“You know, at one point I would have said Barney. That purple douchebag was
taking our album sales and that’s just bullshit. I really wanted to slice him
across that belly and piss on all of the stuffing. But I have to say I’d choose
Carrottop because he’s a dildo and he reminds me of that dick Doctor Rockso,
who I still kind of hate. So yeah, I’d have to say Carrottop.”
3. What time is it where you are?
“It’s night, I guess. I’d know if Nathan didn’t break all the clocks. I need to
rock talk with him about that sometime because that’s a really dick thing to do.”
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of
the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass
them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius
Black.
“Order of the Phoenix? That’s a band isn’t it? Yeah I think they were from
Uzbekistan and ate each other in some contract negotiation ritual. And they were
dudes and I just don’t swing that way.”
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you
bartend, in the dark.
“Well I already own several bars, forgot the name of most of them actually. But
bartend? Hmm. Maybe if it was for a charity write off I’d think about it.”
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to
Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster
your argument.
“Weeelll, first off I’ve got nothing against two dudes getting married. Just want to
get that out right now, nothing against gays, not like I’d go there, but that’s just me.
I guess he should just go with his heart, stay with the one person who will make
him a happy man for the rest of his life.”
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk
is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly
disposing of it.
“Because you’re a douchebag who works in an office and doesn’t have a cool job
like I do. But if you don’t like the paperwork you should just burn it…and try to
burn yourself with it because you’re better off just killing yourself anyway.”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
“Oh you just had to ask that didn’t you. It’s bad enough you’re asking me all these
dumb ass questions you have to assume I’m useless too. I mean that’s just not right.
I know I’m fat, I know I’m stupid, and you have to say I’m useless. Well I’m NOT
useless. I’m the bassist for Dethklok, the greatest band in the universe. And I’m rich,
that’s all you need to know.”
He kicks the table, which goes flying in splinters across the room. Murderface looks
at it kind of embarrassed before picking up the application and continuing.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib
you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person
offering the bribe. Do notthreaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat
indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough
sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically
squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Murderface smiles, revealing a huge gap between his teeth.
“Check this out.” He turns around and turns back wearing a huge silver codpiece.
“Oh it’s just a little something I found somewhere. It’s not much. It’s only diamond
encrusted, notworth a few million dollars at all.”
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting
community and RPG. _____WM______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one
of them. _____WM_____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____WM ____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______WM_____"