Nemi Montoya, Lise Myhre's "Nemi" comic
((While Nemi does know an awful lot of fandoms and refer to them from time to time, she is actually of the firm conviction that it’s, in fact, all real, and would never “out” a character as fictional. She is prone to fangirling. Fair warning to muns of attractive males. XD
Feel free to visit Nemi's journal, for shameless canon pimping!))
And then, suddenly, she was there. Nemi said nothing at first. She looked left. She looked right. She looked left again, in case she had accidentally missed a dragon or something. No dragons. Well, she was indoors.
So. Big stone room. It smelled a little damp, but she’d live. Nemi grinned hugely. This was looking more and more interesting and far more appealing than worrying about work tomorrow. It never entered her head that this was a dream, or a hallucination or anything like that. This was cool. Then she saw the application form.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy?!
“IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHHH!!!”
She hugged the application and patted the self-writing quill, watching eagerly how it patiently jotted down her delighted squeal. Then it paused, and prodded her to make her continue and actually answer the questions.
“Okay, okay... You’re kind of grumpy for a piece of writing equipment, you know.”
Nemi put on her brightest, happiest smile, usually reserved for vast quantities of milk chocolate and the prospect of an open bar, and sat down.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese? No magic questions? Okay. Cheese it was. Nemi thought about it. The world was full of cheese, yummy, delicious cheese...
“The kind on pizza,” she said. “The fancy cheeses all smell like something that’s been rotting in a cellar for years.” She paused. “Which I guess it has. Anyway. Yeah. Pizza cheese. That’s good stuff.”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
“Barney,” said Nemi grimly. That monstrosity was very similar to the purple Teletubby after all. Brrr. Purple Teletubbies. They were the stuff nightmares where made of.
She flicked the Quill. “Write that down,” she ordered it. “Barney. That other bloke’s just trying to make a living doing stupid things. Barney actually scar kids for life. That’s serious. They grow up believing that purple dinosaurs hide under their beds, stuff like that. They should be believing ghosts and monsters live under there. Tradition.”
Nemi had believed ghosts and monsters lived under her bed. She’d put down cookies and milk for them sometimes.
3. What time is it where you are?
Nemi shrugged. “Don’t have a watch. It was early morning when I left home!” Well... Early morning Nemi-time. Which meant late afternoon for everyone else. Nemi wasn’t known for being a morning person. Heck, she was barely even a midday person.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Ah. Well, this was quite an important question. Draco Malfoy wasn’t in the Order of the Phoenix, was he? Damn. Ah well, there was plenty of eye-candy in there.
“Sirius Black,” said Nemi, slightly dreamy. “I’d harass him day and night.” Hopefully he’d harass her back, too.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Nemi thought about it. It was a short train of thought.
Bar = beer.
“Ohh, I’ve got it, I’ve got it!” She raised her hands, as if spelling out the name in light bulbs. “The Beer Place. It’s a place for beer! Or!” Now she was getting into it. You could tell by the way her eyes lit up. “The Beer Place That Plays Good Music! The Beer Place That Plays Good Music And Gives Nemi Beer For Free!” There could be a whole chain of them!
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythologies? Nemi wasn’t all that educated, or at least not in the less important things. She was well taught in the vital subjects, like book titles in the fantasy genre, or which actor played which yummy character in which Lord of the Rings film, but in mythology she was somewhat behind.
“Not sure I believe in marriage,” she said. “Being with person your whole life until all the excitement wears off and you’re stuck with this one person, no way out... You’ll always wonder what you’re missing, but you’ll be too used to the comfort of this one person you’ll never get out of it, and then you’ll die bitter.”
She shrugged. “I guess if he can stand the thought of putting up with either of them for the rest of his life, go for it. Or he can just not pick either, and live a little. That’s my mythology.”
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Nemi got out a cigarette and lit up as she pondered this. “Think you care too much,” she said eventually. “Just save the things that are important. If someone sends you a bill, they’ll send another one if they care enough. Otherwise, just ignore it.”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
“Well,” she said, and looked very proud of herself. “I can down a pint in under four seconds.” Come on. That was cool. Nemi thought some more, to come up with some other things that sounded more impressive...
I smoke and drink every day, often jump into the sack with strangers, I almost never get out of bed before four, and I’ve never kept a job for more than a month... But we, the confused ones, we’re the ones that are right. I wouldn’t want to trade with anyone that got an education, and wasted their lives away in a lecture hall, and now they’re grown up and make money that they’ll never spend on anything fun.
She shrugged, and blew out a trickle of blue smoke from the corner of her mouth. “You’ve never had a friend like me,” she grinned.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
“Could do your hair.” Nemi was actually pretty good at that. After a moment’s hesitation she emptied the pockets of her long, black coat too, getting out a lighter, a pack of cigarettes that was still half full, a pretty feather she had found, and some black eyeliner. Everything was placed on the table in front of her.
“Take your pick,” said Nemi, grinned hugely, and leaned back. There was nothing that could put her in a bad mood now. She was at Hogwarts.
Feel free to visit Nemi's journal, for shameless canon pimping!))
And then, suddenly, she was there. Nemi said nothing at first. She looked left. She looked right. She looked left again, in case she had accidentally missed a dragon or something. No dragons. Well, she was indoors.
So. Big stone room. It smelled a little damp, but she’d live. Nemi grinned hugely. This was looking more and more interesting and far more appealing than worrying about work tomorrow. It never entered her head that this was a dream, or a hallucination or anything like that. This was cool. Then she saw the application form.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy?!
“IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHHH!!!”
She hugged the application and patted the self-writing quill, watching eagerly how it patiently jotted down her delighted squeal. Then it paused, and prodded her to make her continue and actually answer the questions.
“Okay, okay... You’re kind of grumpy for a piece of writing equipment, you know.”
Nemi put on her brightest, happiest smile, usually reserved for vast quantities of milk chocolate and the prospect of an open bar, and sat down.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese? No magic questions? Okay. Cheese it was. Nemi thought about it. The world was full of cheese, yummy, delicious cheese...
“The kind on pizza,” she said. “The fancy cheeses all smell like something that’s been rotting in a cellar for years.” She paused. “Which I guess it has. Anyway. Yeah. Pizza cheese. That’s good stuff.”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
“Barney,” said Nemi grimly. That monstrosity was very similar to the purple Teletubby after all. Brrr. Purple Teletubbies. They were the stuff nightmares where made of.
She flicked the Quill. “Write that down,” she ordered it. “Barney. That other bloke’s just trying to make a living doing stupid things. Barney actually scar kids for life. That’s serious. They grow up believing that purple dinosaurs hide under their beds, stuff like that. They should be believing ghosts and monsters live under there. Tradition.”
Nemi had believed ghosts and monsters lived under her bed. She’d put down cookies and milk for them sometimes.
3. What time is it where you are?
Nemi shrugged. “Don’t have a watch. It was early morning when I left home!” Well... Early morning Nemi-time. Which meant late afternoon for everyone else. Nemi wasn’t known for being a morning person. Heck, she was barely even a midday person.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Ah. Well, this was quite an important question. Draco Malfoy wasn’t in the Order of the Phoenix, was he? Damn. Ah well, there was plenty of eye-candy in there.
“Sirius Black,” said Nemi, slightly dreamy. “I’d harass him day and night.” Hopefully he’d harass her back, too.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Nemi thought about it. It was a short train of thought.
Bar = beer.
“Ohh, I’ve got it, I’ve got it!” She raised her hands, as if spelling out the name in light bulbs. “The Beer Place. It’s a place for beer! Or!” Now she was getting into it. You could tell by the way her eyes lit up. “The Beer Place That Plays Good Music! The Beer Place That Plays Good Music And Gives Nemi Beer For Free!” There could be a whole chain of them!
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythologies? Nemi wasn’t all that educated, or at least not in the less important things. She was well taught in the vital subjects, like book titles in the fantasy genre, or which actor played which yummy character in which Lord of the Rings film, but in mythology she was somewhat behind.
“Not sure I believe in marriage,” she said. “Being with person your whole life until all the excitement wears off and you’re stuck with this one person, no way out... You’ll always wonder what you’re missing, but you’ll be too used to the comfort of this one person you’ll never get out of it, and then you’ll die bitter.”
She shrugged. “I guess if he can stand the thought of putting up with either of them for the rest of his life, go for it. Or he can just not pick either, and live a little. That’s my mythology.”
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Nemi got out a cigarette and lit up as she pondered this. “Think you care too much,” she said eventually. “Just save the things that are important. If someone sends you a bill, they’ll send another one if they care enough. Otherwise, just ignore it.”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
“Well,” she said, and looked very proud of herself. “I can down a pint in under four seconds.” Come on. That was cool. Nemi thought some more, to come up with some other things that sounded more impressive...
I smoke and drink every day, often jump into the sack with strangers, I almost never get out of bed before four, and I’ve never kept a job for more than a month... But we, the confused ones, we’re the ones that are right. I wouldn’t want to trade with anyone that got an education, and wasted their lives away in a lecture hall, and now they’re grown up and make money that they’ll never spend on anything fun.
She shrugged, and blew out a trickle of blue smoke from the corner of her mouth. “You’ve never had a friend like me,” she grinned.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
“Could do your hair.” Nemi was actually pretty good at that. After a moment’s hesitation she emptied the pockets of her long, black coat too, getting out a lighter, a pack of cigarettes that was still half full, a pretty feather she had found, and some black eyeliner. Everything was placed on the table in front of her.
“Take your pick,” said Nemi, grinned hugely, and leaned back. There was nothing that could put her in a bad mood now. She was at Hogwarts.