Closed RP: In which Francis meets an old friend. Sort of.

[h_m_winter]

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[fabernathy]

There was no chance Francis was going to turn down that invitation, of course. He was instantly and implacably intrigued. Part of him was dreadfully convinced that Henry was going to introduce him to Detective Reese, simply for the dramatic irony of it, not to mention the plain old regular irony; just because that was how his life seemed to function, half the time, on these ridiculous coincidences coming together. The idea made him so ill that he had to sit down and take two pills and a shot of vodka before he could even get out of the door, but the pull of his curiosity was too demanding to ignore.

Some time later, Henry's door in Slytherin swung open and Francis strode through, carrying a covered plate and some books balanced against his hip. "I had leftover samosas," he explained in a rush, "and something I wanted you to look at, Henry, I'd been about to come over anyway. But what the hell is this all about? What's going on?" He glanced about, his expression tight. He was unsurprised to see Camilla there, obviously, but the other inhabitant of the room was... not expected. His brows raised sharply. "What is that?"

[h_m_winter]

Henry's natural curiosity about whatever Francis wanted to show him was overridden by what he wanted to show Francis. "It's a Habitrail," he said, eying the complicated mass of colored plastic tubes--garish, but somehow that garishness was suitable for their purpose. He opened the little plastic box and removed Mister Whiskers, a.k.a. Bunny Corcoran. "And this is an old friend of ours. For a given value of 'friend', at least."

The hamster really was ridiculously adorable, as even Henry had to admit. Even yet he hadn't fully reconciled the idea that the little creature was really loud, offensive Bunny--there was a certain surreality to it that simply didn't compute.

[c_macaulay]

"It was Henry's Christmas present from me," Camilla explained, hiding a smile behind her hand. "The Habitrail, that is."

She wouldn't explain the rest -- though her owls to Francis some time earlier had probably been hint enough. It had been Henry who'd used Jezz's scroll to turn Bunny into a hamster, so technically the accomplishment had been his, and she wasn't going to step on his toes.

[fabernathy]

Francis, for all his laziness and the somewhat campy air he sometimes affected, was actually very smart, and it didn't take much work for him to figure out what they were getting at. His eyes bulged as he stared at the little creature in Henry's hands; his mouth formed a perfect 'O' of surprise. He very nearly dropped the things he was carrying and really, if his eyes had actually popped out of his head like some cartoon wolf's, he would have hardly been any more shocked.

"Oh, Henry," he whispered. "That isn't...? That's never..." He leaned in and peered at the tiny rodent. "Oh, my God." For a long moment, he was stunned into complete silence. Then he said, still in a hushed voice, "He has that fat jaw of his." And that seemed to satisfy him, for he straightened up, blinking rapidly but otherwise composed. "How on earth did you do that?"

[h_m_winter]

"Trade secret," Henry said--he wasn't about to reveal the source of the spell he'd used, even to Francis. "I still have a difficult time fathoming how Bunny Corcoran turned into such a...tidy little creature. He's been a relatively well-behaved creature, too." Which was something of a minor miracle, given what Bunny was as a human. "We've called him Mister Whiskers."

[c_macaulay]

"Well, I certainly hope he's a tidy little creature. I'm not going to be the one cleaning his cage," Camilla declared, wrinkling her nose. "It's true he's behaved well mostly. He did try to bite me at first though. I'd hate to think what kind of infection that might cause."

[fabernathy]

"Hmph." Francis gave Henry a look, but let it go. He should have known that paranoid, calculating Henry Winter would never tell him how he'd pulled this off. God forbid he reveal anything to anyone. Francis glanced at Camilla -- he wondered if even she knew all the details. Regardless, they certainly weren't going to tell him, and he supposed that was all right as long as they didn't try to turn him into a hamster too.

"Mister Whiskers?" he laughed sharply. "That's pretty nice of you, actually. I'd have been nastier if it had been up to me." Francis moved in again, squinting sharply at the hamster. "Anyway, I don't know how you managed to make something so aesthetically pleasing out of a Corcoran. Well done, Henry."

Francis reached out to touch 'Mister Whiskers'-- and promptly seized his hand back with a cry. "Ouch!" He rubbed his fingers and glared accusingly at Bunny. "Now I know it's him."

[h_m_winter]

Henry gave the hamster a stern look, unaware of how comical a picture that might present. "You," he said, "behave, or I'll shut you up in a shoebox." He wasn't quite sure how one went about punishing a hamster, but he supposed that might be an effective threat. Always assuming the little thing could even understand him; he still wasn't sure just how much of Bunny's mind actually remained now that he was in hamster-form.

[c_macaulay]

"He would eat the shoebox. Chew a hole right through it. See, I told you he tried to bite me. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to bite everyone. Except Henry. He seems to like Henry, weirdly enough. Honestly he ought to despise you," she said to Henry, chuckling. And to Francis: "The best thing is going to be his wardrobe. I'm going to have the house elves make him little capes and things."

[fabernathy]

"He likes Henry?" Well, that was just about the weirdest thing Francis had heard all day. Other than the part where Bunny was a hamster, at least. All he said, however, was: "That's strange, isn't it?"

Francis continued to rub his injured hand, although Bunny hadn't even broken the skin. "He's had all his shots, hasn't he?" He was too preoccupied to hear, at first, what Camilla had said to him; but after a pause he grinned. "Oh, that's wonderful. You'll have to let me help pick things out." He wanted to play dress-up with Bunny!

[h_m_winter]

"It might be because I was the one who turned him into a hamster," Henry said meditatively. "Perhaps he thinks of me as a parent, as terrible a thought as that is."

He found the thought of Camilla and Francis playing dress-up with hamster!Bunny to be almost inordinately amusing. "Our plan is to put videos of him on the internet," he added. "In his little costumes."

[c_macaulay]

"Wouldn't that be something? Maybe he imprinted on you like a baby duckling." Camilla peered at Mister Whiskers. "Are you in love with Henry?"

To Francis she said, rather excited, "Yes, Ron Weasley showed me all about the internet and how people watch videos of funny animals. And I think that Bunny will have many, many fans. Who like to watch him do extremely humiliating things."

[fabernathy]

"What a terrifying idea." Francis didn't know which part of that would be worse: Bunny being in love with Henry, or Bunny the hamster being in love with Henry. Bunny thinking of Henry as a parent was bad enough. Francis was fine with Bunny hating all of them, so long as he wasn't still actively trying to have them all killed.

Their idea made up for any residual horror he might be experiencing. He gawked at them for what felt like ten minutes before he began to laugh, slowly, incredulously. "You're joking."

[h_m_winter]

"No, indeed we're not," Henry said, setting the hamster back in his cage before it could do anything like poop on his hand. Completely unaware that he was echoing The Princess Bride, he added, "Humiliations galore. Even if he doesn't realize we're doing it, it will at least go some way to evening the score."

[c_macaulay]

Camilla had her own doubts as to whether any scores between themselves and Bunny could ever be evened or settled. She shrugged.

"I don't care if he realizes it. It'll be funny."