Stephen had rather wanted to talk with Henry Winter at length, if for no other reason than to cement his hopeful deduction that Henry's recent wedding had well and truly laid to rest the remnants of old animosity concerning the woman who was now Mrs. Winter. Unfortunately, there had simply been no time for conversation. Stephen had brought little
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She looked up sharply when he said he'd take it. She thought she knew why he'd want it--Stephen hadn't gotten to go outside on Halloween, hadn't been able to look at the bugs and beetles and flowers he had wanted to see. Part of her really, really wanted to give it to him--to give him the chance to see all he wanted to see with her senses--but the rest of her knew just what a very, very bad idea that was. It really was a kind of mental poison, and however much he enjoyed it, it would still be hurting him. She'd already addicted Shaun; the last thing in the world she wanted to do was addict Stephen as well.
A very faint, very conflicted smile crossed her face. "You want to go look at your bugs, don't you?" she said. "I can't blame you. I can only imagine what the outside world would look like to you, if I gave you that, but Stephen, it really would be bad for you. I want you to see what I see, but I don't want to poison you. I don't want to do to you what I've done, with the best of intentions, to Shaun."
He wanted it. Of course he did. She'd seen Shaun, after all--seen how he reacted to it, and Stephen had only done so much more strongly. Logically she knew that the senses had not been tied in to the...well, the evil, and she had to consciously remind herself of that. He wouldn't destroy the school, if she gave it to him. He'd collect his plants, and watch the sun set, and hopefully not fall into any holes while wholly fascinated by some rare insect. He wanted it, and part of her desperately wanted to give it, and she was horribly, horribly torn.
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For her, though, too, if it made her feel better; why should it not benefit her in that way? That was what she claimed she wanted. He had explained, just now, how the logic of such comfort did not hold, how giving someone else a temporary approximation of her senses would not give her the company she craved, and she still wanted to do it all the same. So why should the proposition turn on him -- turn against him?
He opted to avoid, or defer, the question entirely, tackling instead another thing she had said. "It may be of some interest to discern exactly what it is that has befallen Shaun. Henry tells me Camilla has no desire whatsoever to take that potion again, having taken it once. Were the substance to induce a real physical dependence, that ought not to be possible for her."
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She considered this, cheek still rested against her knee. Her skirt smelled of whatever fabric softener the house elves used--sweet, tumble-dried cotton. "You have a point," she said. "It could well be simply the sensory experience itself, rather than the potion, that is addictive. A psychological addiction." Kind of like marijuana, a drug Liz had had her try, and about which she'd been told quite a bit, too.
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Who knew but that it might help, too, knowing that--help her with easing Shaun off the stuff. "I admit, it would relieve me if it truly isn't an actual physical dependence. Mental craving, while unfortunate, isn't so damaging as physical." Which showed how little Susan knew of physical or mental craving, really. "Maybe I'll send him to Molly," she added, thoughtfully, wholly unaware that Stephen had met Molly and would thus have serious doubts about the woman's effectiveness as a counselor.
Susan actually sat up, then, perching Indian-style in the chair. "You've taken it, or something similar--which would you say?" Rather unfortunately, she'd gotten so into the habit of asking things For Science that it didn't always occur to her that some of them maybe shouldn't actually be asked aloud.
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"I would say," he chose his words with care, "that you should give serious thought to the question of what you gain by giving people this potion; and that, if you still find you wish to give it to people, you ought to give it only to those people whom you believe capable of staving off such a dependence."
There. That was general enough.
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But it didn't just benefit her, did it? It wasn't like she was foisting off an unpleasant lie. It hadn't worked with Henry and Camilla, true, but then she hadn't been there with them; Shaun loved it, and given the chance to explore, Stephen likely would, too. Susan wanted to give it to him--wanted to terribly--and while she was not good at lying to herself, her brain was already trying to cook up compelling rationales and excuses. Stephen was a scientist by nature, and this was definitely something worth studying; he'd very likely find the outside world wholly fascinating with her senses, whether he look at an interesting bug or just the sky. It would be a mutually beneficial thing: she could have his company, knowing he felt as she did, and he could geek out to his heart's content.
It all made sense. If she told herself that enough, she just might believe it.
Psychological addiction, she reminded herself. Psychological, not physical. Yes, this is a bad idea, but it's not as bad as I thought it was. Really.
"I would give it to you again," she said, at last, "if you wanted it. I trust you, and--well, you understand, better than anyone else. You more than anyone can have a sense of what it is to be like me, and stupid as it might be, that makes me feel like I'm not completely alone." It wasn't real, and she knew it wasn't, but that didn't change anything for her.
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For science. Of course.
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Yes, Susan. Because this is so like going to spend a day in the park.
She summoned a house elf and despatched it to her room, first arming it with a one-time spell to get in through all her wards. It reappeared a minute or so later, bearing her cloak, gloves, scarf, notebook and pen, hot Thermos, and the small neat bottle of potion that had until now been residing at the back of her bookshelf. After blinking at the lot for a moment, she sent it back for a rucksack.
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He would have claimed he needed no reminder concerning cold-weather gear. The truth was, he probably did need a reminder. What he really needed was Preserved Killick to follow him around and make sure he dressed properly for all occasions. In any event, he went off to his room himself to gather the necessary accoutrements, and returned to the office having added to his existing attire a hideously lumpy sweater under a shoddy overcoat.
(Killick would have cursed whatever unfortunate person told Stephen about thrift stores.)
He thought a moment.
"I ought to take the potion here, before we go out of doors. If I have an adverse reaction or a reaction in any way unexpected, better by far that it be here."
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She stowed her own things--notebook, pen, Thermos--in her rucksack, quite grateful that Shaun had told her about Muggle pens, which were much easier to cart around than quill and ink.
"Probably a good idea," she said, uncorking the bottle. "I'm cutting this dose, to start with--Shaun's taller and heavier than you, so I'm going to try you at three-quarters of his usual." The doses were small enough to begin with--a set of measuring spoons was extracted from a pocket, and two teaspoonfuls poured into a small ceramic cup. "You might want to sit down, too," she suggested, handing him the cup. "And let me know if you feel sick, or dizzy--sometimes, if it does that to Shaun, water helps."
It oughtn't make Stephen sick, she thought. What she'd forced in through his skin hadn't, after all, and that was definitely a more traumatic form of delivery. She wanted to make damn sure it didn't throw him for a loop, though, if such a thing were at all possible.
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He thought the potion might take a little while to affect him. What she had done on Halloween had been so very much more direct. Likely a potion would work more slowly, more gradually --
And then it hit his bloodstream. It was like being rushed by a bull elephant in musth. He was glad Susan warned him to sit down.
Eyes screwed shut, Stephen raised a hand to his temple, unsteadily, as though he needed to check whether his head was still in one piece.
"Sweet Mother of God."
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She could practically see it hit him, much as it had always hit Shaun--though Stephen at least didn't fall out of his chair. She let him sit for a moment--let him regather his equillibrium as best he could. It always took Shaun some moments to recover, as it were, so she stood quiet, letting the potion balance out within his senses.
"Are you all right?" she asked at last, when she thought he'd had enough time to sit reeling.
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He scribbled, unceremoniously and without explanation or polite comment of any kind to Susan, for a minute or two.
Then he stopped, stared out into space, let the quill fall from his fingers, and with the index finger of his left hand, rubbed at a clean corner of the parchment, rapt in its texture.
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Accordingly she gave him his moment, leaning her shoulder against the tall back of the armchair and smiling faintly as she watched. Parchment really did feel peculiar, though apparently not normally half so peculiar to most people as it did to her. Watching Stephen made her half wish she had an iconograph, to document all this. Ah well, she could take notes. His curiosity was still so very Stephen--just much, much more so, and she actually laughed quietly at his fascination, rather delighted at the sight of it.
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