application for Beowulf (Gaiman and Avary's "Beowulf", in theatres now...)
Hwæt! A very muscular Geat in a leather loincloth-type thing strode into the Sorting Room out of nowhere. A leather band circled his temples in a vaguely '80s way, and he wore leather boots.
If anyone wondered who he was, they could cease their wondering almost immediately, as the first words out of his mouth were: "I AM BEOWULF!"
The Dictaquill wrote this down dutifully. Beowulf watched with an impassive eye. He had seen stranger things than a self-propelled feather.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"FOOD."
Beowulf liked food. He liked cheese as long as it was edible.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"I'M HERE TO KILL YOUR MONSTER!"
... Oh, man. Beowulf's experiences would explain so much about Barney the dinosaur. What kind of aquatic milf would give birth to a purple waddling monstrosity? Sadly, Beowulf did not actually know what Barney was, so he could not share his unique insights.
3. What time is it where you are?
Beowulf stood silent for a moment, the silence of a dazed ox.
He was thinking.
Finally he offered: "IT'S TIME TO KILL YOUR MONSTER!"
Well, it was probably either that or It's time for me to be Beowulf, and that didn't make enough sense even for Beowulf, whose standards were like unto the pole at the end of a Limbo game.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
To answer truthfully, or to answer in a way unlikely to gross people out? Beowulf reconsidered his initial impulse to answer Whichever one has a tail or is aquatic, and shouted instead, "THE MILF!"
There, that was much more presentable, and even somewhat true!
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"MY NAME IS BEOWULF!"
Yes. The bar would have to be named My Name Is Beowulf.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Beowulf racked his brain for any knowledge of these people, their genealogies, their kinship web and so forth. Who were their affines to the second degree? What nations would be allied? Meh, no one in Geatland or Daneland or Jutland or any place civilized like that had a name like Harry or Fred or George. Fredbert, sure, that would be reasonable, or Harrigar.
For lack of a better option, the warrior recycled his earlier answer: "THE MILF!"
He then planted his meaty hands on his hips and beamed hugely.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
... What was a desk? What was paperwork? Of tables and parchment Beowulf knew (albeit not firsthand). Of desks and paperwork, not so much.
The question made him think of Unferth. Sniveling Unferth, quick-tongued but slow with a sword, unless to slay his kin. Hahaha! Calling someone a kinslayer was always really funny, especially when it was true. Oh, he had dissed Unferth most royally.
"YOU ARE CURSED," Beowulf said. Inundation and something that you can't get rid of no matter how you try -- it sounded like a curse.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
You know the answer to this one.
"I AM BEOWULF!"
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
You know the answer to this one too.
"I'M HERE TO KILL YOUR MONSTER!" It was an offer of help, not a threat!
(( "I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. B
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. B
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. B
One day, marmalade will rule the world. B"
Also, you may enjoy this synopsis of the movie, not written by me.
If anyone wondered who he was, they could cease their wondering almost immediately, as the first words out of his mouth were: "I AM BEOWULF!"
The Dictaquill wrote this down dutifully. Beowulf watched with an impassive eye. He had seen stranger things than a self-propelled feather.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"FOOD."
Beowulf liked food. He liked cheese as long as it was edible.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"I'M HERE TO KILL YOUR MONSTER!"
... Oh, man. Beowulf's experiences would explain so much about Barney the dinosaur. What kind of aquatic milf would give birth to a purple waddling monstrosity? Sadly, Beowulf did not actually know what Barney was, so he could not share his unique insights.
3. What time is it where you are?
Beowulf stood silent for a moment, the silence of a dazed ox.
He was thinking.
Finally he offered: "IT'S TIME TO KILL YOUR MONSTER!"
Well, it was probably either that or It's time for me to be Beowulf, and that didn't make enough sense even for Beowulf, whose standards were like unto the pole at the end of a Limbo game.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
To answer truthfully, or to answer in a way unlikely to gross people out? Beowulf reconsidered his initial impulse to answer Whichever one has a tail or is aquatic, and shouted instead, "THE MILF!"
There, that was much more presentable, and even somewhat true!
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"MY NAME IS BEOWULF!"
Yes. The bar would have to be named My Name Is Beowulf.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Beowulf racked his brain for any knowledge of these people, their genealogies, their kinship web and so forth. Who were their affines to the second degree? What nations would be allied? Meh, no one in Geatland or Daneland or Jutland or any place civilized like that had a name like Harry or Fred or George. Fredbert, sure, that would be reasonable, or Harrigar.
For lack of a better option, the warrior recycled his earlier answer: "THE MILF!"
He then planted his meaty hands on his hips and beamed hugely.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
... What was a desk? What was paperwork? Of tables and parchment Beowulf knew (albeit not firsthand). Of desks and paperwork, not so much.
The question made him think of Unferth. Sniveling Unferth, quick-tongued but slow with a sword, unless to slay his kin. Hahaha! Calling someone a kinslayer was always really funny, especially when it was true. Oh, he had dissed Unferth most royally.
"YOU ARE CURSED," Beowulf said. Inundation and something that you can't get rid of no matter how you try -- it sounded like a curse.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
You know the answer to this one.
"I AM BEOWULF!"
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
You know the answer to this one too.
"I'M HERE TO KILL YOUR MONSTER!" It was an offer of help, not a threat!
(( "I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. B
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. B
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. B
One day, marmalade will rule the world. B"
Also, you may enjoy this synopsis of the movie, not written by me.