Jezz Jaelre (AKA Jezz the Lame), Forgotten Realms
((Spoilers for the first two books of the Lady Penitent trilogy, some spoilerish references to War of the Spider Queen. Permission given from all current Realms-muns, namely Yours Truly))
A dark-skinned elf limped into the Sorting Room, his left leg encased in a brace of leather and metal, dragging two overstuffed-looking bags behind him. He came to a stop at the table of applications, released his luggage, flexed his fingers with a wince, then briefly lifted the half-mask from the upper part of his face to daub at the sweat.
Jezz had gone on a frenzy of acquisition before embarking on the last leg of the journey; he wasn’t sure how long he would have to stay, and it was probably a bad idea to raid the student body. There was considerable talk of bribery in his sources, so he had figured in a generous amount for that. Perhaps he’d figured in too much - his arms certainly seemed to think so. They also seemed to think he’d been too leery about expending the emergency scrolls of Tenser’s Floating Disk that Belarbreeza had scribed for him. At least the scrolls should have other uses here.
He seated himself at the table. Once the feeling had returned to his fingers, he took an application and selected a quill as the green asp around his arm unwound and began to investigate the vicinity. “Careful there, Keheneshnef,” he murmured in a tongue normally intelligible only to mage and familiar, and the quill vibrated in his hand. He was not quite as taken aback by the questions as he might have been without prior warning.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
My favorite, he wrote, would be the Sembian exports from a trade caravan stupid incautious open enough to cross our path. They were superior to any other we’ve had the fortune to encounter on the surface, and far better than the dreck the spider-kissers eat below.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
He would have pled insufficient information but for something he’d seen on the way from the portal. That made his decision swift, even if he only knew about the one. Barney. What a sickening creature. All it needs is a sword to dance around naked with and it could pass for a - no, isn’t it already dancing around n-
Jezz blanched as much as his skin permitted and hurriedly moved on.
3. What time is it where you are?
Twilight. “Dark deeds,” he whispered the old Vhaeraunite greeting, and tightened his grip on the quill as it lunged in an attempt to transcribe.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Sexual harassment is a practice of spider-kissers and dancing bitches self-righteous preachers bitches, rampant in gender-biased systems. The Masked Lord calls - called might be more accurate, but it was the principle of the thing - for equality between males and females, which cuts down on such abuses. Or else would lead to a greater percentage of males doing them, but he wasn’t going to say that.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
He smirked slightly, remembering Cormanthor - at least Cormanthor as it had been before the elven Crusade and the fey’ri and the Spider Bitch’s rampaging creature and the rest of the mess. The Dark Elven Court.
“What,” he addressed his familiar, which was currently flicking his tongue at the application, “like the sound of that?”
Keheneshnef hissed a reply. Jezz’s smirk grew.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Another one of these. He tried to remember what Tzirik and Nurkinyan used to say on theology. Corellon Larethian’s consort turned on him and split the elven race asunder. The Masked Lord himself never “married” as such. It’s an unnecessary restriction.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“Paperwork? Oh, paperwork.” Jezz snorted. Buildup of old regulations and traditions to the point of pointlessness. As with - He barely resisted writing “as with this application.” - what passes for government in spider-kissing cities. For servants of a so-called goddess of chaos, they’re ossified. Better to have mobility and quick response.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I’m a leader of House Jaelre on the surface. With Tzirik dead, Nurkinyan… indisposed, and Tebryn and Belarbreeza disinclined to challenge him, he might now be called the leader, barring his absence. All hands were raised against us on the surface and in the Underdark alike, but we survived. I’d provide references but for circumstances outside of mortal control which preclude excessive contact. Perhaps not entirely - if Malvag hadn’t helpfully killed himself over his role in the proceedings, Jezz would have done it for him.
I am already a sorcerer of some skill. Though not yet enough skill, not enough to undo what priests had done. He’d been right, it was a stupid plan and it had quite possibly ended up killing their own god (the casualties of Tzirik’s fiasco seemed small potatoes in comparison), but he thought he would rather have been wrong.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Here was more familiar ground. I have gemstones, coin, jewelry, knives, minor magical items, scrolls, and salves, among other things. This wasn’t counting his enchanted kukri, his hand crossbow, his black leather armor (also enchanted), the rope hidden in one of the bags, the glove on one hand, the ring on the other, or the ordinary-looking spoon carefully tucked away in a pocket. He wasn’t worried about security; thieves knew best how to thwart other thieves. To add to the contents of his luggage he fished out a Rolex watch, two wallets, a pack of cigarettes, a hotel matchbook, a pair of cheap sunglasses, and a stub from an airline boarding pass, laying them out on the table (he hastily removed the stub a moment later).
You might find one of my spells useful. He paused again. Also, I’m looking for information on the properties of this place. I offer payment for this as well.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____JJ______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____JJ_____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____JJ____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______JJ_____"
Jezz retrieved Keheneshnef from the table, stood, turned around and smiled at the room at large. Time to play the diplomat after all.
A dark-skinned elf limped into the Sorting Room, his left leg encased in a brace of leather and metal, dragging two overstuffed-looking bags behind him. He came to a stop at the table of applications, released his luggage, flexed his fingers with a wince, then briefly lifted the half-mask from the upper part of his face to daub at the sweat.
Jezz had gone on a frenzy of acquisition before embarking on the last leg of the journey; he wasn’t sure how long he would have to stay, and it was probably a bad idea to raid the student body. There was considerable talk of bribery in his sources, so he had figured in a generous amount for that. Perhaps he’d figured in too much - his arms certainly seemed to think so. They also seemed to think he’d been too leery about expending the emergency scrolls of Tenser’s Floating Disk that Belarbreeza had scribed for him. At least the scrolls should have other uses here.
He seated himself at the table. Once the feeling had returned to his fingers, he took an application and selected a quill as the green asp around his arm unwound and began to investigate the vicinity. “Careful there, Keheneshnef,” he murmured in a tongue normally intelligible only to mage and familiar, and the quill vibrated in his hand. He was not quite as taken aback by the questions as he might have been without prior warning.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
My favorite, he wrote, would be the Sembian exports from a trade caravan stupid incautious open enough to cross our path. They were superior to any other we’ve had the fortune to encounter on the surface, and far better than the dreck the spider-kissers eat below.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
He would have pled insufficient information but for something he’d seen on the way from the portal. That made his decision swift, even if he only knew about the one. Barney. What a sickening creature. All it needs is a sword to dance around naked with and it could pass for a - no, isn’t it already dancing around n-
Jezz blanched as much as his skin permitted and hurriedly moved on.
3. What time is it where you are?
Twilight. “Dark deeds,” he whispered the old Vhaeraunite greeting, and tightened his grip on the quill as it lunged in an attempt to transcribe.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Sexual harassment is a practice of spider-kissers and dancing bitches self-righteous preachers bitches, rampant in gender-biased systems. The Masked Lord calls - called might be more accurate, but it was the principle of the thing - for equality between males and females, which cuts down on such abuses. Or else would lead to a greater percentage of males doing them, but he wasn’t going to say that.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
He smirked slightly, remembering Cormanthor - at least Cormanthor as it had been before the elven Crusade and the fey’ri and the Spider Bitch’s rampaging creature and the rest of the mess. The Dark Elven Court.
“What,” he addressed his familiar, which was currently flicking his tongue at the application, “like the sound of that?”
Keheneshnef hissed a reply. Jezz’s smirk grew.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Another one of these. He tried to remember what Tzirik and Nurkinyan used to say on theology. Corellon Larethian’s consort turned on him and split the elven race asunder. The Masked Lord himself never “married” as such. It’s an unnecessary restriction.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“Paperwork? Oh, paperwork.” Jezz snorted. Buildup of old regulations and traditions to the point of pointlessness. As with - He barely resisted writing “as with this application.” - what passes for government in spider-kissing cities. For servants of a so-called goddess of chaos, they’re ossified. Better to have mobility and quick response.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I’m a leader of House Jaelre on the surface. With Tzirik dead, Nurkinyan… indisposed, and Tebryn and Belarbreeza disinclined to challenge him, he might now be called the leader, barring his absence. All hands were raised against us on the surface and in the Underdark alike, but we survived. I’d provide references but for circumstances outside of mortal control which preclude excessive contact. Perhaps not entirely - if Malvag hadn’t helpfully killed himself over his role in the proceedings, Jezz would have done it for him.
I am already a sorcerer of some skill. Though not yet enough skill, not enough to undo what priests had done. He’d been right, it was a stupid plan and it had quite possibly ended up killing their own god (the casualties of Tzirik’s fiasco seemed small potatoes in comparison), but he thought he would rather have been wrong.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Here was more familiar ground. I have gemstones, coin, jewelry, knives, minor magical items, scrolls, and salves, among other things. This wasn’t counting his enchanted kukri, his hand crossbow, his black leather armor (also enchanted), the rope hidden in one of the bags, the glove on one hand, the ring on the other, or the ordinary-looking spoon carefully tucked away in a pocket. He wasn’t worried about security; thieves knew best how to thwart other thieves. To add to the contents of his luggage he fished out a Rolex watch, two wallets, a pack of cigarettes, a hotel matchbook, a pair of cheap sunglasses, and a stub from an airline boarding pass, laying them out on the table (he hastily removed the stub a moment later).
You might find one of my spells useful. He paused again. Also, I’m looking for information on the properties of this place. I offer payment for this as well.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____JJ______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____JJ_____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____JJ____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______JJ_____"
Jezz retrieved Keheneshnef from the table, stood, turned around and smiled at the room at large. Time to play the diplomat after all.