Application: Petyr Baelish (A.K.A. Littlefinger), A Song of Ice and Fire

[petyr_baelish]

((Littlefinger's motives for coming to Hogwarts stolen from Camilla. Thanks!))

A short man with grey-green eyes and a goatee strolled leisurely through the Great Hall to the head table. His elegant silk blue cloak with its silver mockingbird clasp was caked with mud, but he was smiling. "I should really have a talk with that Thoros," he drawled. "

Comments

[dungbombsrule]

"Well, George and Fred just sounds completely off. It has to do with the length of names. George takes a bit longer to say than Fred, and everyone knows that it sounds better when the shorter name comes first. If you were introducing Dan and Musidora, you wouldn't say Musidora and Dan. It comes as a bit of a let down." Ron paused, sounding out 'George and Fred'. "Besides, Fred and George sounds like names. To me, if you switch it around, George and Fred sounds like verbs. The chicken's been 'George and Fred'." The redhead shrugged, as he couldn't really figure out why that was, either. If that was some giant prank the twins cast on Ron's subconscious, it was a pretty extreme one for minimal pay-off.

"And I'm pretty sure my Dad doesn't go by 'Lord of the Burrow'. He doesn't even wear a hat most the time."

[petyr_baelish]

((XD!))

For a long time, Petyr was speechless.

"I...see," he finally managed. "Tell me, by any chance, do you have any Stark blood in you? Your cleverness gave you away."

Petyr could have sworn that the Ministry official he'd bribed had told him the Weasleys were an ancient magical family. He really needed better sources. "So your father isn't a lord? Are you smallfolk, then, or is your family descended from a lesser branch of House Weasley?"

[dungbombsrule]

"Yeah, yeah, I look like a bird, ha ha ha." Ron rolled his eyes. "I know this is still a school, but most the people here are actually pretty old and might not be in for a walk down the schoolyard, again. And why you would insult some stranger like that, I don't know."

The redhead barked out a small laugh, and shook his head. "Boy. You know, for someone who thinks I'm like a stork, you're the one who's got branches on the brain. Weasleys are too busy (and smart) for all that Pureblood, family hierarchy bull. We think more about the House of Gryffindor. Well, now I'm in the Slytherin House, but you know what I mean, right?"

Then Ron remembered his 'smallfolk' comment. He frowned and looked down, and then back up at Petyr's face. "Oi!"

[petyr_baelish]

"Oh, you should try insulting strangers sometimes," said Petyr. "It's so entertaining. Besides, where did you get the idea that I meant it as an insult? After all, maybe the Starks are so uncommonly...ha ha...so uncommonly clever that it would be a...ha ha, I can't breathe...a compliment to...oh, gods, ha ha ha, I can't go on!"

Thirty seconds later, after Littlefinger had recovered from his laughing fit, he reflected on what the boy had told him. Branches on the brain. People had called Littlefinger many things throughout his life, most of them negative, but "stupid" wasn't one of them. "Believe me, I won't argue with you about bloodlines. I could have married the love of my life if I were Lord of Winterfell instead of Lord of Sheep Shit and Rocks. When a great man is born, it matters not to what family, and those who grow complacent in their station deserve to have it ripped away from them by someone smarter

[dungbombsrule]

You know that feeling when suddenly someone starts laughing hysterically for apparently no reason, and in some ways you want the context, but in other ways (stronger ways) you want to walk away really, really fast, only to run as soon as you are out of sight? Yeah. Ron was feeling that right about now.

"Heh. Heh heh. Yeah. They... sure are clever, those storks." Ron rubbed the back of his neck, while backing away slightly. "Really pretty birds."

Ron and Petyr also were not meshing when it came to the treatment of the high-ranking. "Uh, no, that's not quite what I meant to say." He elaborated despite his better judgment, which were telling him to do the activity mentioned above. "I mean, right, you should get the job based on who you are, not where your family's from. But I wouldn't say you'd have to, uh, rip anything away from someone."

Ron let out a breath, and on impulse asked, "So, you lost your girl? That blows."

[petyr_baelish]

Petyr bristled. "Are you mocking me? Look, when a man is in a strange world with no companionship, there's nothing to be ashamed of in wanting a blowup doll to warm his bed. And for the last time, it's Starks, not storks." He sighed. "I don't suppose you've seen a redhaired woman with the name of Stark, or perhaps Tully?"

If they ever went through with that election for Lord of the Burrow, Ron certainly wouldn't get Petyr's vote.

"Yes," he said, "My beautiful Cat was stolen from me by that cold Ned Stark. I took her maidenhead, you know." His wet nurse had told him of an old superstition that if the Crone heard you say something five hundred times, it would come true. "Not a day goes by when I don't think of her. And I took her maidenhead. Oh, and did I mention that I took her maidenhead?"

[dungbombsrule]

"Uh..." Ron wasn't trying to, but didn't that man just say that it was great fun to insult strangers? Blow-up dolls, blow-up dolls- Oh! Those were those things that were tossed around in Berlin, amid the bubbles and foam in that dance club. "Are you sure? Because the Muggles I talked to seemed to imply that there was a whole lot of shame involved in snuggling with a blow-up doll. But who knows, I might have misunderstood. You're the expert." The redhead frowned irritably; now being called a 'Stark' made a bit more sense. "And I'm pretty sure it's the first time, not the last time. No, I haven't seen anyone like that here, but I've been gone

[petyr_baelish]

((Aak, sorry for the delay. I'm really behind with all the comments.))"Please, I'd rather you didn't besmirch the honour of my blowup dolls," said Petyr. "Their names are Cat II, Lyn, and Cate-Cate, and they're very special to me. And I was using 'for the last time' figuratively. There's no need to nitpick." Privately, however, he wondered how he'd made such a careless mistake. Why, it was almost as if an illiterate moron with a fraction of his intelligence had taken control of his speech and forced him to say stupid things. But he dismissed the thought as ridiculous

Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule]

Ron continued to look disturbed. Very disturbed. "I'm pretty sure our girls have never crossed paths, so I really doubt that. And because I really, really don't want to talk about this anymore, or really, to you anymore because... oh wow. I'm just going to vote you into Ravenclaw, since you like to speak figuratively." It shouldn't be a good enough reason to vote someone into a House, but Ron just wanted to leave.

"I hope you find your Cat." Ron didn't. He actually hoped this Cat was far, far away from this man. The recently-tanned boy gave a small salute, and quickly left the sorting room.