Application for Jack McCoy (Law and Order)
Jack was pretty sure he was dreaming. Then again, he hadn't had a dream this weird or vivid in a long time. Most nights, he didn't even remember dreaming at all. But now, he was in a large room, in what seemed to be a castle. It had the feel of a school too. Maybe he was dreaming about being back at St. Ignatius, with the Jesuits, although this felt... different.
He noticed a piece of parchment on a desk in front of him, with a quill, standing poised on its own, apparently ready to dictate. Jack changed his mind immediately upon seeing that -- definitely not St. Ignatius. Glancing over the questions on the sheet, he felt this fact even more strongly.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
I like cheddar on my burgers, parm on my salads and pastas, and swiss on my ham sandwiches.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Carrottop. I never had to deal with Barney -- I've just got one daughter and Barney wasn't around yet when she was that age. Carrottop, though... Maybe I could charge him as a Public Nuisance.
3. What time is it where you are?
Late. Or, it was. I don't know where I am now, so...
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Look. I know I've got sort of a reputation, but those relationships were mutual. I never harassed anyone. I happen to like smart women, and I happen to meet them at my job. I always used to figure, it made things simpler: you got a coworker and a significant other in one. Takes care of everything -- work gets done, and you have company. At this point in my life, though... And after the way some of those relationships ended... Let's just say those days are over. So in answer to your question: no one.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I don't see much of a reason why it should be clever and witty. "McCoy's" would suit just fine, if I was going to have my own pub.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Okay, sure. I'll humor you: seeing as I know nothing about any of these people beyond their names, I'm going to base my argument on the compatibility of their names. Harry should go with George, so their son will be the lead guitarist of the Beatles. Harry and George, the names, just go together. Unlike King Hal/Harry/Henry and King George, no King Frederick comes to mind... There might been one in Prussia, I think... But still.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
A problem I'm familiar with. I have to say, it does help having an assistant -- they do most of the scut-work for you. But no matter what, there's a constant influx; crime isn't ever going to stop. And therefore, I'm never going to stop having work to do. What else would I be doing anyway? My work is my life.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Heh. What kind of question is that? Actually, pretty much every one of these questions so far in this application (if that's what it is) has been absurd and irrelevant and bordering on insulting. I like it though. So -- on my usefulness: I work for the New York City DA. I work on important, high-press-exposure, sometimes controversial, always brutal, murder cases. In the 30+ years I've worked there, I've seen some real horrors. I've made some mistakes, but I've always tried to do my job, and I've put away a lot of dangerous people, who deserved to be punished. I believe in things that go bump in the night -- may they rot in hell, along with their lawyers.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
The hat, huh? What kind of place is this? Some kind of fraternity? As long as there's nothing illegal going on... (Nothing too illegal anyway -- narcs? Not my jurisdiction.) As for a bribe... If there's anyone you know of who belongs in jail -- and they'd better really belong in jail, I don't put innocent people away (not without fighting like hell to get them out, after realizing, anyway) -- then I can help you put them there. I've also got a decent amount of cash. Not rich, but... Well-off. And I've got a motorcycle, if someone wants a ride, maybe. (I retain the right to choose who will and will not be allowed a ride... Smart, attractive young women? What can I say? It's a tits-and-ass world; men are pigs, yadda-yadda... but that's not my jurisdiction either.)
He noticed a piece of parchment on a desk in front of him, with a quill, standing poised on its own, apparently ready to dictate. Jack changed his mind immediately upon seeing that -- definitely not St. Ignatius. Glancing over the questions on the sheet, he felt this fact even more strongly.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
I like cheddar on my burgers, parm on my salads and pastas, and swiss on my ham sandwiches.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Carrottop. I never had to deal with Barney -- I've just got one daughter and Barney wasn't around yet when she was that age. Carrottop, though... Maybe I could charge him as a Public Nuisance.
3. What time is it where you are?
Late. Or, it was. I don't know where I am now, so...
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Look. I know I've got sort of a reputation, but those relationships were mutual. I never harassed anyone. I happen to like smart women, and I happen to meet them at my job. I always used to figure, it made things simpler: you got a coworker and a significant other in one. Takes care of everything -- work gets done, and you have company. At this point in my life, though... And after the way some of those relationships ended... Let's just say those days are over. So in answer to your question: no one.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I don't see much of a reason why it should be clever and witty. "McCoy's" would suit just fine, if I was going to have my own pub.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Okay, sure. I'll humor you: seeing as I know nothing about any of these people beyond their names, I'm going to base my argument on the compatibility of their names. Harry should go with George, so their son will be the lead guitarist of the Beatles. Harry and George, the names, just go together. Unlike King Hal/Harry/Henry and King George, no King Frederick comes to mind... There might been one in Prussia, I think... But still.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
A problem I'm familiar with. I have to say, it does help having an assistant -- they do most of the scut-work for you. But no matter what, there's a constant influx; crime isn't ever going to stop. And therefore, I'm never going to stop having work to do. What else would I be doing anyway? My work is my life.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Heh. What kind of question is that? Actually, pretty much every one of these questions so far in this application (if that's what it is) has been absurd and irrelevant and bordering on insulting. I like it though. So -- on my usefulness: I work for the New York City DA. I work on important, high-press-exposure, sometimes controversial, always brutal, murder cases. In the 30+ years I've worked there, I've seen some real horrors. I've made some mistakes, but I've always tried to do my job, and I've put away a lot of dangerous people, who deserved to be punished. I believe in things that go bump in the night -- may they rot in hell, along with their lawyers.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
The hat, huh? What kind of place is this? Some kind of fraternity? As long as there's nothing illegal going on... (Nothing too illegal anyway -- narcs? Not my jurisdiction.) As for a bribe... If there's anyone you know of who belongs in jail -- and they'd better really belong in jail, I don't put innocent people away (not without fighting like hell to get them out, after realizing, anyway) -- then I can help you put them there. I've also got a decent amount of cash. Not rich, but... Well-off. And I've got a motorcycle, if someone wants a ride, maybe. (I retain the right to choose who will and will not be allowed a ride... Smart, attractive young women? What can I say? It's a tits-and-ass world; men are pigs, yadda-yadda... but that's not my jurisdiction either.)