Bert was taking a stroll around the castle, enjoying looking at all the suits of armor in the corridors and making faces at the moving portraits, when he found himself glancing curiously into a room that smelt rather nice. Like some delicious snack was being made in it.
He popped his head around the corner, expecting to find food, but was surprised to see a man looking quite devastated.
Bert cleared his throat. "Ah... 'Ello? You all right there, sir?" He entered the room cautiously, a sympathetic expression on his face. "Why the long face?"
Michael was tired from all the crying and moaning he had been doing, but Bert's question started him up again. His face crumpled as he said, "Noooooooo, NOTHing's all right anymore, and it never will be." Guano's stomach, deprived of Tubby Tustard, let out a large growl. "Tinky Winky's gone!"
Bert's eyes widened. "Gone? Whadya mean gone?" He took a step closer to the man, alarmed. "The little purple fella, ya mean? What's 'appened to 'im! 'E was a friend of mine." Bert hated to think that he would never see that expressionless yet cheerful face ever again, never listen to the helpful voice that followed him about, never see those wobblings legs dance, never hear the jingle of his rump...
"He's POPcoooooooorn!" Michael sobbed. Guano, apparently unhappy that his master was so distressed, hauled himself to his feet and began to lick Michael's face. However, after several licks, the exertion was too much for him, and he flopped down on the ground by Michael's head with a prominent grunt. "We were going to get married, and now Guano and I are all alone...."
Michael sniffled loudly. "Were you a friend of his?" Michael was certain Bert was, simply because he couldn't fathom how anyone who knew Tinky Winky would not consider him a friend.
"Ahh," said Bert knowingly. "So you're the famed Michael Scott, eh? Or Mikaw. Don't know which one I was supposed to listen to." Bert sighed, shaking his head sadly and lay down beside Michael. Staring up at the ceiling, he responded, "I was. We smoked a joint together, 'e and I." He sighed again. "It's a shame. I didn't know folks could just turn into popcorn 'round 'ere... That 'appen often?" He turned his head slightly toward Michael, his eyebrows raised curiously.
Hearing Tinky Winky's pet name for him got Michael sobbing again. "He mentioned me?" he asked dolefully. Tinky Winky wasn't just gentle and gay and a fan of comedy; he also cared about Michael. Remembered him. Bragged about him to his friends. The loss of such a person was nearly more than Michael could take.
Clearly, Bert was affected by his loss as well, and Michael was glad to have the company of a fellow mourner. The news of Tinky Winky's drug use, however, was highly disturbing. Michael was about to say something about it, and about the strict anti-drug policies of Dunder-Mifflin Hogsmeade, and therefore Hogwarts in general, but stopped short. After all, he had once smoked a clove cigarette that was possibly a drug cigarette, and as long as it was just a one-time thing for Tinky Winky (which...was not likely, considering Tinky Winky's proclivity to repetition, but Michael conveniently forgot about that in his grief), Michael decided to overlook it.
Instead, he replied with a sob, "I don't know. There are a LOT of names on the
( ... )
Bert stared up at the bits of giant popcorn filling much of the room. Those had all once been people? He shuddered slightly.
"Well, I know what this situation calls for," he said then, attempting cheerful. "When yer down, you just need a good joke, eh?" He cleared his throat and asked importantly, "How do you kill a circus?"
Despite the fact that he was terribly emo and depressed, one thing Michael could not resist was comedy. He turned his tear-streaked face towards Bert. "How?"
Bert paused for a moment, heightening the suspense, and then answered: "You go for the juggler!" He grinned at Michael, eyebrows raised hopefully. It was a good one, right? Last time he'd tried to cheer someone up with a joke, they'd both ended up in tears. Hopefully that wasn't about to happen again.
If there was one thing Michael couldn't resist, it was comedy. Even bad comedy. Especially bad comedy. His mouth twitched up into a little smile. "The juggler," he repeated, and a small laugh came out.
And then..."I've got one. A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 beers. The bartender asks, 'What's wrong?' The guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says he's sorry to hear that. A couple of days later, the guy comes back and orders 10 beers. The bartender asks, 'What's wrong now?' The guy says that he just found out his older son is gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry to hear that as well. Then the guy returns a few days later and orders 20 beers. The bartender says, 'Isn't anyone in your family having sex with women?!' The guy gets really mad and says, 'Yeah, my wife!'"
Michael burst out laughing. Because offensive jokes were hilarious!
Bert smiled slightly. He didn't really follow it at all. What did having sex with women have to do with being gay? Other than the obvious assumed causal relationship: having sex with women should hopefully make a man gay, of course. But why did the man find it so upsetting that all his sons were gay? Shouldn't he be happy that they were happy?
And he really didn't understand the part about the wife having sex with women. That wasn't funny -- it was just sad. The poor man's wife was cheating on him.
"Well, if all my sons were gay -- not that I have any, mind you, but if I did, I wouldn't be sad at all," he declared to the ceiling cheerily. "In fact, I'd be quite gay."
Yes! That was just the sort of attitude Michael espoused! "I~~~ would not be sad EITHer. Because gay is Okay." He paused, furrowing his brow. "Wait, no, that's not right. Gay is GREAT. Guh-REAT! The world needs more openminded people like you." Was "openminded" even a word? Hmmmm, it sounded funny. Probably not.
But, of course, Michael's true, visceral reaction differed substantially. "So...you wouldn't find it sort of...disturbing - the things they'd be doing? And it would MAKE you gay?" Michael thought only hexes did that. Although people often did say that homosexuality was genetic. Perhaps it flowed from child to parent...?
"Well, ah... I wouldn't give it much thought, I s'pose. But, I mean, it is only natural, mate." He paused, frowning. "Well, in the case of them what gets married it's natural, that is." He nodded to himself. The mention of marriage reminded him of the gravity of the situation and he cast a sympathetic glance at Michael.
"And you and Mr. Tinky Winky was gonna be married, ain't that right. Boy, I am sorry for you, 'bout that. It's a terrible shame." He shook his head emphatically.
((OOC: Eeek, sorry about the unannounced hiatus.))
He popped his head around the corner, expecting to find food, but was surprised to see a man looking quite devastated.
Bert cleared his throat. "Ah... 'Ello? You all right there, sir?" He entered the room cautiously, a sympathetic expression on his face. "Why the long face?"
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Michael sniffled loudly. "Were you a friend of his?" Michael was certain Bert was, simply because he couldn't fathom how anyone who knew Tinky Winky would not consider him a friend.
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Clearly, Bert was affected by his loss as well, and Michael was glad to have the company of a fellow mourner. The news of Tinky Winky's drug use, however, was highly disturbing. Michael was about to say something about it, and about the strict anti-drug policies of Dunder-Mifflin Hogsmeade, and therefore Hogwarts in general, but stopped short. After all, he had once smoked a clove cigarette that was possibly a drug cigarette, and as long as it was just a one-time thing for Tinky Winky (which...was not likely, considering Tinky Winky's proclivity to repetition, but Michael conveniently forgot about that in his grief), Michael decided to overlook it.
Instead, he replied with a sob, "I don't know. There are a LOT of names on the ( ... )
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"Well, I know what this situation calls for," he said then, attempting cheerful. "When yer down, you just need a good joke, eh?" He cleared his throat and asked importantly, "How do you kill a circus?"
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And then..."I've got one. A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 beers. The bartender asks, 'What's wrong?' The guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says he's sorry to hear that. A couple of days later, the guy comes back and orders 10 beers. The bartender asks, 'What's wrong now?' The guy says that he just found out his older son is gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry to hear that as well. Then the guy returns a few days later and orders 20 beers. The bartender says, 'Isn't anyone in your family having sex with women?!' The guy gets really mad and says, 'Yeah, my wife!'"
Michael burst out laughing. Because offensive jokes were hilarious!
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And he really didn't understand the part about the wife having sex with women. That wasn't funny -- it was just sad. The poor man's wife was cheating on him.
"Well, if all my sons were gay -- not that I have any, mind you, but if I did, I wouldn't be sad at all," he declared to the ceiling cheerily. "In fact, I'd be quite gay."
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But, of course, Michael's true, visceral reaction differed substantially. "So...you wouldn't find it sort of...disturbing - the things they'd be doing? And it would MAKE you gay?" Michael thought only hexes did that. Although people often did say that homosexuality was genetic. Perhaps it flowed from child to parent...?
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Bert made a puzzled face.
"Well, ah... I wouldn't give it much thought, I s'pose. But, I mean, it is only natural, mate." He paused, frowning. "Well, in the case of them what gets married it's natural, that is." He nodded to himself. The mention of marriage reminded him of the gravity of the situation and he cast a sympathetic glance at Michael.
"And you and Mr. Tinky Winky was gonna be married, ain't that right. Boy, I am sorry for you, 'bout that. It's a terrible shame." He shook his head emphatically.
((OOC: Eeek, sorry about the unannounced hiatus.))
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